• Fear of sex

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    Little Strummer Boy [sign in to see picture]
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    Is it possible to have a fear of sex? or more to the point fear that you won't satisfy your partner

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    NaughtyT [sign in to see picture]
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    my best friend is 30 and is a virgin and is scared to death of having sex, she is afraid it will hurt and had frozen in the past with her boyfriends so they have always ended it. i have told her she needs councilling as this obviously stems from something in her past.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes. I did some googling to find the name and "erotophobia" and "genophobia" pop up a lot, with Wiki pages. It is also possible to have certain specific fears when it comes to sex, like fear of vaginas, penises, oral sex, the lot!

    Considering some people have very serious phobias of such things as baked beans, or clowns or balloons, or animals....it is safe to say that if something exists, someone somewhere will have a phobia about it.

    Having a fear that you won't satisfy your partner is VERY common, it is also known as "performance anxiety" and you will find a lot of info about this online. Most of us have this to some degree, but if it literally stops you from going to bed with someone, even though you want to, then its probably an issue that could be sorted with counselling.

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    Little Strummer Boy [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks fluffbags, the forum is a better place for your guidance.

    Im not very experienced for my age and although it sounds silly is something that puts me off getting into a relationship. Not sure if needs councelling or just a patience girls and a couple of Sambucas...

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    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Little Strummer Boy wrote:

    Thanks fluffbags, the forum is a better place for your guidance.

    Im not very experienced for my age and although it sounds silly is something that puts me off getting into a relationship. Not sure if needs councelling or just a patience girls and a couple of Sambucas...

    Performance anxiety might not be helped by alcohol.

    An understanding partner will help but the more pressure you put on yourself the worse it will be. OH suffers from ED so I have been on the other side of the anxiety. It may help to remember there is more than one way to ensure a partner is satisfied.

    xGGx

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Most people experience this around their first times and it is normal to be pretty terrified especially if you are with some random person you don't know very well. This extreme feeling should drop if you get with someone who you can talk to openly, who is patient and understanding. When you feel trust and connection and take it slow with someone, it should be wonderful, albeit nerve wracking, at first.

    Do not be afraid to ask your lady what they want and how they want it. Here is a secret: with most ladies, that answer will change depending on their mood. Heck it could change mid session leaving guys wondering what the hell! lol. You will only know how to please your partner if you ask questions and trust me, from experience it does take a little time for a new partner to figure out your likes and dislikes and I have always experienced the sex getting better as the relationship develops.

    If the problem is making you back out of relationships before they even start, then your fears may be slightly higher than most and you could benefit from counselling, or reading up on perfomance anxiety online and finding helpful tips to overcome or alleviate your fears a little, so you can enjoy a relationship. However, I think if you find a patient girl who you can trust, it will be a lot less scary. One beer might be helpful but please avoid the drunk route. Its bad for many reasons. Drunk sex is not often good sex, it makes you numb, it makes you uncoordinated, it makes you sick lol. It isn't enjoyable and it might put you off even more, which would be such a shame because trust me, everyone has been in your shoes and there are lots of people who still are. You are no different, nothing about you essentially will make you a bad lover, even inexperience (The best lovers are usually the best, not because they can bang away for hours like some stud, erghh boring and sore, but because they just listen, respect and make effort to please) Your fears are understandable though x

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    repliquant [sign in to see picture]
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    Little Strummer Boy wrote:

    Is it possible to have a fear of sex?

    I think yes. I used to have a very strong fear once, nearly 20 years ago, to the point that at first subconsciously and then very consciously I did everything I could to avoid being involved. I was with the wrong (quite violent) person for far too long a time back then. I also think that this two-year association did more damage to me than anything occurring naturally due to my genetic & acquired problems. I got out of that tarpit eventually, but some things cannot be fully undone.

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    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with everything Fluffbags had said, good advice!

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    Janny [sign in to see picture]
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    I think it is also - but the fear of not satisfying your partner is probably greater, hence leading to a downward spiral. It's like men with erections - fail once and you will always be in doubt.

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    InkyBoo [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been single for almost three years now and I can safely say that I have a fear that I won't be able to satisfy a partner. Now that I've started dating again it's making it more and more stressful and I've even ended it with someone to avoid having sex with them because I don't think I'm going to be able to satisfy them.

    It's frustrating to say the least!

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    [suspended user]

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    If you like each other sex is always satisfying in some way I think

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    InkyBoo [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't know about that...I find that the more I like someone the more awkward I make sex.

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    [suspended user]

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    I think it's a lot more common then most people think.

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    Little Strummer Boy [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks everyone

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    Candied Citrus [sign in to see picture]
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    I can totally sympathise with you here. I'm scared of sex (and I guess part of the problem is never having had sex) but - for me - it stems from being scared of being vulnerable because of stuff that happened in the past. And I see sex as kind of the "ultimate vulnerability," to give it so grandiose a name.

    I mean, I think it's understandable - sex can be a bit scary and daunting, both emotionally and physically. But, if you're with the right person (actually, they don't necessarily need to be the "right" person or "the one" - if they're a decent human being who cares for you), they won't force you until you feel ready.

    When you're in a relationship, you need to be honest and open about your fear, though (something with which I had a bit of a problem, with my boyfriend), explain things, and I think once you build up trust and the two of you become closer, then things will work out. :)

    But it's important not to force yourself. And I know this from experience, considering I once freaked out and had a full blown panic attack (tears, sobbing, etc.) when a guy said something rather suggestive in a situation that I thought would lead to sex; actually, it was that that made me realise I was afraid of sex in the first place.

    Tl;dr: forcing yourself will likely end in problems, and it isn't a healthy way to treat yourself. Wait until you're ready and comfortable with the idea of having sex. :)

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    LauraP [sign in to see picture]
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    The first time with anyone new is always a little awkward. You don't know what they like. You haven't always had the contraception question answered but the more you think about it; the more you worry about it; the more you run through all the options in your head the less you're probably going to enjoy it.

    It has taken me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin and to realise I actually enjoy sex; ok, I love sex, alot more if I just try to relax and do it.

    Sex is great precisely because its not choreographed.

    There is no cheesy backing music.

    Sometimes its a bit silly and things go a bit wrong but that is what makes it great. It's all about being with that person you're with and enjoying and indulging in their company. It's perfectly ok to be a little scared but if it's a true phobia maybe you should consider talking about it and getting some help. There is no shame in admitting you're scared.

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    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    I think some people choose 'fear of sex' to hide their lack of interest in it. It isn't always fun being the odd one out and so people build wallsto protect their secret, something they think is wrong with them.

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    Janny [sign in to see picture]
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    naughty stacey wrote:

    I think some people choose 'fear of sex' to hide their lack of interest in it. It isn't always fun being the odd one out and so people build wallsto protect their secret, something they think is wrong with them.ion in tthe quest

    Think this is a little harsh, we are trying to help each other on this forum

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    Candied Citrus [sign in to see picture]
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    naughty stacey wrote:

    I think some people choose 'fear of sex' to hide their lack of interest in it. It isn't always fun being the odd one out and so people build wallsto protect their secret, something they think is wrong with them.

    Hmmm, I think I can see where you're coming from... Though there may have been a better way to say it. :)

    A fear of sex is, in some ways, more understandable to people and to society - despite how taboo sex is as a topic of conversation - than being asexual is. There's nothing wrong with either of them - both can be perfectly natural (I say "can" rather than "are" because a fear of sex can stem from other issues rather than just being natural nervousness). But certainly society and culture can push certain stereotypes about sexes/genders and, if you find your feelings and desires (or potential lack thereof) don't conform to the known stereotype of your sex, it might be easier to say that you're scared of the act of sex rather than it holds absolutely no appeal to you whatsoever. And then bring into play the fact that sex is something that's a natural, biological act and function, and it can feel like something is "wrong" with you on a deeper level if you have no interest in sex. This also applies if you're scared of sex though.

    I think it could be as hard to come to terms with being asexual (or even that you just don't have an interest in sex) as it is to come to terms with being scared of sex for those reasons. So - though you may be right in saying that some people resort to saying they have a fear of it because it's "easier" - I don't think either is very easy to talk about nor would I say that being scared of sex is the societally perceived norm.

    At least, I think that's what you meant? Correct me if I'm wrong; that was just my interpretation. ^^;

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    chels18 [sign in to see picture]
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    i think fear breeds fear!! its about controlling the initial feeling and then keeping that control

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