• What do you do when your husband doesn't want sex anymore?

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    bjb61 wrote:

    OMJ there's no need to apologise - it's just not my cup of tea.

    FT - the phrase you used "lady garden" made me smile - never heard that one before.

    Whereas over the years I've tried showing him my love in lots of ways - little prezzies just because I saw something he might like, cards for no special reason other than to say I loved him, little surprises for the bedroom & God knows what else, he's never done that for me and yet I persevered.

    We have lost that connection for sure. Sleeping apart for over four years hasn't helped. When he comes home from work I always ask how his day has been, even though I don't understand half of what he says (he's in IT). He never has anything to say to me unless its work related. At weekends he just wants to work on the computer rather than spend time with me and the kids. I've explained to him over the years that he's pushing us out and he nods his head in agreement but then does nothing to change.

    I'm just hitting my head against a brick wall with him & getting absolutely nowhere. I now have no more fight left in me & am giving up. It's up to him now as to what he does, if anything. He has his appt. with the doctor Thursday morning & I'm interested to see what he says to him this time.

    I'm done with being the loving, supportive, loyal wife & whilst this might sound harsh to some people, I think I've been extremely patient.

    BJB

    we have been in an LDR for 28 yrs and manage more communication and physical than you who live together.....some men get institutionalised and their lover becomes like a pair of slippers. make him walk barefoot

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry Gunther I'm obviously being a bit thick but what do you mean "make him walk barefoot"?

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi bjb61. You have preserved much more than most of us would be able to. It's nice to see that you are making your life the main priority at the moment. I whish you all the best and hope that you will be able to cope in what must be a very upsetting time at the moment.

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    bjb61 wrote:

    Sorry Gunther I'm obviously being a bit thick but what do you mean "make him walk barefoot"?

    it is easy to take no notice of what is there ......if you are not there he will see what he is missing, many men are like that, fortunately (or unfortunately) I have spent years seperated from my wife I know exactly what I miss within seconds of us being seperated. You are not a comfy pair of slippers for him ....make him walk barefoot then he will appreciate what you are as a woman ...sex is only a small but important part of that.

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    Fortysomething [sign in to see picture]
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    Bang on the money there Gunther, the sex is just a small but very important part.

    An IT man is he eh, just like myself!

    I'd wager an IT Project manager perhaps.

    Well it seems you have exhausted you trying to get noticed. I think now it is time to save yourself and the kids, and there are many men reading your posts thinking that he was a lucky bloke and threw it all away - what a fool.

    Time to make some time for you, and I'll wager you'll make a fabulous pair of peep toe strappy high heels for some lucky bloke - besides no bloke wants to wear slippers! Euphamisticslly speaking :-)

    Be well, take care and look after yourself.

    FS

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    Old - But not THAT old! [sign in to see picture]
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    Fortysomething wrote:

    ..... and there are many men reading your posts thinking that he was a lucky bloke and threw it all away - what a fool.

    Spot-on FS!

    As I said in my earlier post - my feeling is that he only took up with you in the first place because he was fed up living alone. From what you say he has never actually shown that he loves you, he has just used you - not so much as a comfy pair of slippers but more as a crutch!

    I am amazed that you have put up with the situation for so long - all credit to you for really trying to make it work. And I do know what you mean by not particularly wanting to give up on a second marriage and being concerned about a future due to your age - these are two of the things that stop me from moving on, but then as I said before, at least my wife and I are good friends and there is a kind of love between us, so I stay. But you don't have this, so moving on is the right thing to do for yourself, and for your children.

    And don't worry about your age - you are not that old, and I am sure that there are many men like me out there who did decide to leave their partners because they are looking for love, and who would jump at the chance of being with a kind, caring, sensitive, and sexy, woman like you.

    This is not the end, it is the start of a better life for you.

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    Northern lights [sign in to see picture]
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    YOu have made a tough choice. It's time for him to show you are valued and re earn your faith and patience. That has to come from him.

    The very best of luck.

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for your sweet & supportive words. Since last Monday when I decided enough was enough, I've actually been feeling a lot better and happier. I wrote on here that I was going to stop being miserable and start

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oops - seems my post didn't get sent properly. Let's start again!!!

    Thank you for your sweet & supportive words. Since last Monday when I decided enough was enough, I've actually been feeling a lot better and happier. I wrote on here that I was going to stop being miserable and start getting the happy me back and I'm doing just that.

    He's still carrying on as normal and as if nothing's changed - good luck to him with that! I just feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders since deciding that I'd had enough of this marriage and am now going to focus on me and my kids.

    I'm in no rush to get out there and move on to pastures new and anyway, until he actually moves out and is out of my life, that is not an option.

    Time to move forward and happy days ahead

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    Bunny_heartagram [sign in to see picture]
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    After reading all the above. He's the brick wall with no excuses. Make your self happy honey. No one but you can do that. He us gonna have to work on himself if he wants a relationship with you not the other way around anymore.

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    wanttobeme [sign in to see picture]
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    I joined LH, mainly looking to see if there are people in my situation. It is a mirror image of yours bjb61.

    Myself, married over 10 years. Together over 15. One son at primary school.

    I know my wife had a low libido, and prudish. At first it was endearing- I suppose I had a fantasy of unleashing her inner libido. I found out she had phobia about sex, our son was a miracle (my wife knows the session he was conceived such is the infrequency)

    I snore, and last year (if forget any where near how long) I have been in the spare room, to allow here to sleep.

    I had a mini breakdown at work, mega stressful, and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Whilst I never lost the libido totally, it reduced a lot, but it was the going into the shell, not keeping promises, lethargy, lounging around tired when at home, and generally not "connected" with real life.

    There are some tests (I forget the name) that a consultant would do. Similar are online.

    I know you are at the end of the road, but others may try and get to a docs first.

    My wife I am sure has depression but will not do anything about it, despite seeing what it did to me. She also had some counselling for the phobia, but felt she was to blame, the counsellor sided with me and only pursued it for a short time.

    My parents divorced when I was 10, so am not going to do anything yet.

    I just wanted to know others are in the same boat, I admire your bravery.

    I feel a real empathy with you, even though I do not know you at all.

    Sorry if you have fallen asleep by now!

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    the_drew [sign in to see picture]
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    My wife and I have been together for 7 years but for the last year / 18 months i've noticed my sex drive dropping and hers increasing. I can't explain why I'm not interested anymore but when I go to bed I just want to watch TV or read: I love sex and my wife is lyrically beautiful, but when it comes to business time, I just can't sum up the energy: Could it be something in our biorythm, as in men of a certain age (I'm only 38) who've sired kids have no more evolutionary purpose - so our system makes us put energy elsewhere?

    I read this post with such sorrow, it's a shame that your husband wouldn't capitulate but at least you found the courage to take action: He probably doesn't realise that "it's over" and is under the impression he can fix things, if you're sure you don't want to be with him then sit him down and tell him again that you're moving on - it will save a lot of wasted time and later resentment, if you're still on the fence (though reading your posts that doesn't seem to be the case) I wholeheartedly recommend speaking to a marriage guidance counsellor.

    Good luck for the future, I hope everything works out for you, thanks for sharing your story it's really given me a wake up call to not take my wife for granted and inspired me to give her a right good seeing to tonight.

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Wanttobeme - since writing my original post a couple of months back, there have been quite a few other threads started on roughly the same subject. It would seem that there are quite a few of us that are being left unsatisfied (for want of a better word), some of us putting up with it a lot longer than others. As I said at the beginning, this is my second marriage so I really did not want to end up going through the nightmare of another divorce, but it would seem that you never know what life is going to throw at you.

    The drew - you're right in saying that my husband doesn't realise it's over. He's going round acting normal and happy as if everything is hunky dory - even though I told him again a couple of weeks ago that enough was enough. I've mentioned to him several times over the years about going to marriage counselling but he's not interested - his reasoning being that if he can't talk to me then how in the hell is he going to talk to a complete stranger - even though by going for counselling it would show me that he was trying to make the marriage work and hopefully resolve the problems.

    He went to see the GP a couple of weeks ago to ask about his snoring and he's due to see an ENT consultant tomorrow at the hospital to see what needs to be done. According to the GP he has got blockages in his nose that are affecting his breathing, so for himself he should get this sorted.

    Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat for the sake of my children, even though inside I'm just waiting for him to be gone so I can relax and get on with my life. The house was bought and completely paid for by me so there are no financial ties to sort out, so there shouldn't be any delays in him going but it would seem that he thinks otherwise and is determined to stay.

    The one thing that I hope other people have got from my thread is that you shouldn't take your partner/spouse for granted. If there are problems, be brave and talk about them as soon as possible rather than leaving them to fester and become out of control. I've spent 10 years of my life with somebody who never appreciated me and treated me like I deserve and life's too short to waste it. Even though I've tried talking to him countless times over the years, I've come to realise that a relationship is never going to work if it's onesided, however much you try.

    Completely OT, on another thread I came across the link on Amazon about the reviews on Veet for Men - I have never laughed so much in my life. I was left crying and having difficulty breathing (thanks to my asthma) from laughing so hard. Absolutely priceless and just what I needed to cheer me up. Ladies if you want to know what some poor men endure to make themselves "pretty" for you, you should spend half hour reading through some of them - it'll make you appreciate their efforts even more

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    horny husband [sign in to see picture]
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    if your husband is not giving you what you need another man will bring him to is senses , my wife as a string of lovers to satsfy her when i cant perform,when i see her with other men i soon rise to the occasion,works for us married 43 years.

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