• What do you do when your husband doesn't want sex anymore?

    1375886219
    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, it is horrible. I went through a similar situation (Not a husband) and it certainly didn't last four years. He also made the promises ect, and I felt so unloved, not sexy ect it knocked my self confidence real bad, I can't even imgaine how it would feel after four years.

    In my honest opinion much like Fluff has said, it doesn't sound like he's going to or willing to change, and the only time he will make an active effort is when you've left with promises ect. Which if you do go back to him will only stay around for a few weeks until he's back to 'normality'

    I really hope things work out for you, and that you do indeed start to feel happy again.

    GL.

    1375886478
    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I hope you find happiness either with him or someone else. You shouldn't have to feel the way you do x

    1375886900
    Fortysomething [sign in to see picture]
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    No valentine's or anniversary gifts? Holy crap, i buy my wife flowers just because I love her, a replica of our wedding flowers in July (15yrs).

    Do you think there could possibly be someone else? At work even?

    Sorry for this harshness, this is your second marriage? I guess the kids are from your first. Is he ok with them, i.e. civil, loving etc?

    You deserve a whole bunch load better, by the sounds of it you have been a saint.

    1375887824
    Khaleesi [sign in to see picture]
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    Fortysomething wrote:

    No valentine's or anniversary gifts? Holy crap, i buy my wife flowers just because I love her, a replica of our wedding flowers in July (15yrs).

    Do you think there could possibly be someone else? At work even?

    Sorry for this harshness, this is your second marriage? I guess the kids are from your first. Is he ok with them, i.e. civil, loving etc?

    You deserve a whole bunch load better, by the sounds of it you have been a saint.

    That is adorable Fortysomething! Could you have a word with my OH please :P ?

    It sounds like you've handled things really well bjb61, and you haven't ranted at all. The forums are here for support and guidance. You deserve to be happy whether you stay will your OH or not. Xx

    1375888722
    Fortysomething [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Khaleesi - marriage is a two way street, and you have to make people feel special. She's my soulmate!

    I kind of assumed most men my age were the same.


    Back to the issue in hand though, i would have thought anyone with a sense of decency would be able to see the distress in their partner, if they care of course!

    1375893732
    Old - But not THAT old! [sign in to see picture]
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    I know just how you feel bjb61 - but from the other side.

    It has now been over 7 years since my wife and I last had sex of any description. Just like you this is not my first marriage, and given that I do not have many years left before retirement I really do not want to have to start all over again. I am luckier than you as at least my wife and I are good friends, and I feel that I would rather be with her without a sex life than I would on my own, so I stay.

    But that is just how I have chosen to deal with my situation. One thing is for sure though, if she had such little regard for me as your man does for you then I would most certainly not stay.

    Fortysomething wrote:

    You deserve a whole bunch load better, by the sounds of it you have been a saint.

    I agree with him. We are all entitled to a certain amount of happiness in our lives, and if your circumstances give you no happiness at all then I don't think anyone would condemn you for moving on.

    1375893930
    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    My heart goes out to you bjb61, I've only just picked up on this thread and reading it all in one go - I just want to give you a hug!

    I can't suggest anything else other than what people have already suggested, but do know we are all here for you!

    Best of luck, however things next progress, and don't forget to love yourself. You said about the weight creeping on from feeling unloved etc, maybe while this is all playing out a little TLC is in order? Remember to look after yourself, it will make you feel better in the long run

    Naughty Miss K xx

    1375921574
    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    So I spoke to him tonight and told him I'd had enough and I wanted him gone as I've had more than my fair share of his total disregard for me. At first he did his usual by becoming extremely defensive and abrupt (to the point of being really cold & a complete idiot) but then when I said I'd been looking at places for him to move out to so as to get an idea of finances etc., he then backtracked and said he didn't want to go.

    I said that I wasn't backing down this time as I'd had my fill of his empty promises and that he'd made it perfectly clear that he wasn't interested in making this marriage work, by not talking to the GP about all of his other problems - snoring, lack of sex drive etc. - to which he replied that he would make another appointment next week when he has a day booked off. I told him that was his choice but that I wasn't going to be holding my breath and as far as I was concerned, the plan was still for him to leave.

    I did also explain to him though that if the roles were reversed and I was making my partner that miserable and I still cared about them, that I would be doing everything in my power to make things work and to change for the better. Also that he was throwing everything away by not making the effort with this marriage and that he'd end up how he was when I first met him, which was living on his own, working, drinking/smoking to excess and living off takeaways and NOT in a meaningful relationship. By his own admission he wasn't happy back then and was just living an existance and he doesn't want to go back to that.

    I suppose at the end of the day it's his choice and if he wants to leave a loving, loyal and supportive wife and two loving step-children, then that's up to him. He did say that the way he is at the moment, he's only interested in himself and it's all me me me with him. He knows he's being selfish but just can't be bothered/doesn't know how to change. Anyway, I told him that regardless of what he decides to do about his life, from tomorrow morning I'm going to be concentrating on me and getting my old, happy self back and that I'm not going to waste any more time worrying about him, or more to the point crying and losing sleep over him. I'm a strong person by nature which is why I've stayed around this long and given this marriage my all, but like after my divorce from my first husband, I picked myself up and got on with life and raising my two children.

    Anyway, time for sleep and thanks for listening as always.

    1375953714
    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    Very brave of you

    *hugs*

    x

    1375954504
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Massive hugs coming over, I too am down at the moment but am sorting it out menopausal. I. think, though sex is no longer apart of my marriage at least my hubby cares he has mental health issues big ones he's on loads of medicationso iit's always been apart of him, but I get cuddles and affection.and he praises my cooking, for anniversary he's buying me a butterfly tattoo and a pink leather tablet cover. My heart goes out to you my ex was the same didn't believe in cards and flowers and it very hurtful. Take care all the luck in the world and hugs.i

    1375955167
    Old - But not THAT old! [sign in to see picture]
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    Brave move bjb61 - stick to your decision, I'm sure that you wont regret it.

    From what you say about how he was living when you first met him it sounds very much that all he ever wanted from you was someone to look after him, and that he has only ever been interested in himself. And of course he doesn't want to go back to that kind of living, but that should not be the reason why he doesn't want you to leave, the reason should be that he loves you - and, again from what you say, he clearly never has, he has just been using you.

    Good luck with your future. You sound like a really nice, kind, and loving kind of person. You deserve a decent man that will care for you and return your love. He IS out there somewhere!

    1375956363
    Old man John [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, I'm a man nearly fifty years married, and still think of sex all the time. My penis does not work as well as I'd like, to match my desire, but have had the occasional pill, cialis from doctor. I only need a third of a pill to do the trick and I seem ok for some time after.

    I wonder if your man is worried about his erection. It can sap confidence. We just laugh about it, and anyway I enjoy pleasing my wife so much in other ways that it doesn't matter.

    1375956512
    Old man John [sign in to see picture]
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    By the way, if he won't have sex, he surely can't object if you find someone to meet just for that.

    1375963290
    Old man John [sign in to see picture]
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    By the way, many men would love to have a woman who likes sex. The balance between partners is great if the drives match, but if one has none at all, or a problem they won't talk about, then I imagine it would be horrible.

    i do hope you get some progress in your situation.

    1375963765
    50 plus and loving it! [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds like he has hit a depression, for some reason. Fear of getting old? Life passing bye? He does need to talk, open up and get to the bottom of it.

    it is very sad and I hope he gets the help he needs.

    ann

    1375963827
    Morthius [sign in to see picture]
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    Seems I am a bit too late but just for future reference for other women with the same problem I would say less talk more tiny action.

    Once a man looses the interest in sex you need to make him want it again. Not by talking with him and further pressuring him into it but more with subtle things. Dress sexy when you are with him, sit close, dress sexy when his friends are over so he might see their hungry looks for you and want the same. Try find out what he likes or what he used to like. Does he want a open wife or do he tick on a more subtle wife.

    If you do wish to write a letter do not write about what you want him to do but rather write a more fantasy like story with you and him on your computer on in a diary and "forget to close it" so he might read it. Subtle things so that he knows you desire him and perhaps masturbate and when he comes in "hide it not well enough" and play dumb about it.

    Why I suggest the subtle things is because once he want to have sex he will try to correct the physical things that makes him able to have sex. Could be he is in too bad shape to feel it worth it. Being in bad shape can make sex so physically heavy that he are not able to cum as he can only think about the exercise.

    However, since it is ower and gone on for too long your decision is probable the best for you both. Getting the lust back will probably take as long as it has taken to loose it so for the future don't wait too long.

    1375965158
    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    Well done, Bjb! You've been so much stronger than I ever could have been! You deserve so much better and you've done all the right things. I'm so envious of your strength of character! I got lucky in the end and have an amazing boyfriend now but I was previously stuck in a miserable relationship for years because I didn't have the courage to do what you've done and stick to my guns. Big hugs and best of luck with everything.

    Morthius your advice is probably good for a relationship where the man's simply lost interest in sex, but it seems in this case it was much more than that: whereas Bjb was putting in loads of love and effort, he was neglecting her in all areas of life, not just with sex. I say this only because I feel like your response implies that the break-down of the relationship was Bjb's fault for not responding correctly earlier on, which clearly wasn't the case and I'm sure isn't what you meant. For an otherwise strong relationship though I'd say you've got some good ideas there :)

    1375966970
    Morthius [sign in to see picture]
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    No it sure was not what I meant. Didn't want to put the blame on anyone was just trying to give some advice to others who feel their man is slipping into the no want sex behaviour the "don't wait too long" indicator apply. I was mostly trying to help with sex drive but since there was other areas as well the comment came out kind of wrong. If someone shows no interest in any aspect of a relationship the problem is probably a lot deeper and no sex drive can help that.

    1375997077
    brockleyfox [sign in to see picture]
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    What do you do when your husband doesn't want sex anymore?

    You get an account with lovehoney and a credit card :)

    1376051414
    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Very good brockleyfox lol and I do have a few toys in my bedside drawer but for me, you can't beat the real thing

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