• What do you do when your husband doesn't want sex anymore?

    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    well all sneak attempts have a chance to back fire. you've really just gotta find a way to open up the communication. maybe a letter?

    bigstu [sign in to see picture]
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    Having some experience from the other side, being the hubby not interested in sex, for nine months recently, I can understand how you feel and I now know how it affected my OH. In my case I had a demanding, stressful job which i didn't like and was getting me depressed, I left that role, got one I was really looking forward to and got royally shafted there, which increased the depression as its such a great time to be out of work.

    I did the usual man thing and didn't talk or open up to my OH(or anyone else) and this and a massive sense of failure lead to an increasing depression, the true depths I was keeping from my wife. She wrote me a letter expressing her concerns, all it did was increase my depression and sense of failure as I felt it was a personal attack, very hard to get this right.

    The change for me occurred over a couple of days, the first was me standing by the passenger rail of an island ferry, seriously thinking about how inviting the water was looking and how no-one would miss me until the car wasn't off the car deck, only disturbed by other passengers coming out and 'ruining' the moment. The second was I had a truly horrendous migraine brought on the stress of the previous day and a ludicrous drive!

    I think the migraine affected my hormone levels(no proof as damn sure I don't trust doctors), this tied in with a change of view within my self , as having hit the real bottom, as I started to look up I found my libido again, not quite where I had left it but still there and since then our sex life is getting abck on track.

    If you haven't fallen asleep, the biggest issue is how to open the communication without your OH feeling its an attack on him,(thats how I felt when the OH would try to talk to me), you have to be gentle, try the letter but explain in it how you feel first and then move onto what you need.

    Also as you don't share the same room, see if you can arrange a mutually agreeable time for some gentle cuddling and kissing. And get him some Men's health vitamins, I now take these as well.

    It is very difficult but we are back on track, and in this case time is not a great healer.

    (NB you don't have to be overweight to a bad snorer, I am but my BMI is bang on, now use a snoreright mouth guard if helps a lot as I have sleep apnea).

    I wish you all the best for the future.

    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    To bigstu and others, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. This was my first post so it's really nice to know there are such nice understanding and compassionate people out there on this forum.

    I've written a letter before now and it got me absolutely nowhere as he still didn't want to talk. I'm going to try and talk to him again tomorrow (today actually - didn't realise the time!) and see what he has to say. Bigstu, I understand what you mean when you say that he might take it as a personal attack and I know for a fact that he probably has done when I've previously tried to talk to him. I always start off being really gentle and caring at the start of the discussion but find that I get increasingly frustrated as he just doesn't have anything to say and I feel by the end of it, like a headteacher who's just lectured a pupil. Not helpful. I also end up in tears more often than not after he leaves the room as I never seem to get anything constructive accomplished.

    I will try one last time and then take it from there. If he's still not interested then I will have to seriously think as to whether I want to be in this marriage any longer. I think that over 4 years of waiting for him to talk to me is being patient enough and I am really starting to resent just wasting my life. Going without the physical side wouldn't be so bad if at least we shared the same bed and he spent time with me just talking or relaxing but every evening we end up in separate rooms watching tv/doing our own thing. Not a healthy way to be in my opinion. I'm a very stubborn person by nature and also very loyal, so the idea of giving up completely on him just upsets me but how much more am I supposed to take?

    Time for some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will bring something positive. Thank you again.

    Aphrodite2011 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi bjb61. I understand why you are really fed up with the situation That's really not nice at all as sex is part of a happy relationship without a doubt. It is strange that he won't talk about it unless he is having a problem with his libido and is VERY embarrassed about it? My partners libido started to flag a while ago, he was 55. We now buy boosters online NOT viagra and they are wonderful and i mean wonderful Let me know if you want the name of the product (and yes its safe ) . My bloke has been taking them for last 2 years with no side effects.

    Despina Rose [sign in to see picture]
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    theMightyBum wrote:

    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    theMightyBum wrote:

    My as-usual overly simplistic answer to the question in the subject title would be:

    Base the relationship on the love that you have without the sex.

    If he doesn't want sex, he doesn't want sex. End of.

    Did you read the post though?

    Yes, why do you ask?

    The other option is probably a divorce I suppose. But that would be an awful shame for what appears to be a happy relationship, just for the sake of not having sex. To many people a happy loving relationship like that would be to die for, even without sex.

    If she wanted a sexless marriage then that's fine. However she wants physical as well. It would be the same if a man was asking about his wife. Just because something would work for you doesn't mean it would work for someone else. They are both unhappy and hardly have any physical contact. How is that a happy loving relationship?!

    I would suggest trying to talk to him again, getting him to understandf that whilst you love him you cannot continue like this. Suggest couples therapy or changing your lives together. If that doesn't work then I really don't see you have many other options. I am very sorry you are in this situation but ending things may be better for you and him.

    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Well we've just sat down for an hour and had a chat. It seemed to go pretty well. He's said he still wants us to be together and he understands how miserable and sad the situation is making me. He has admitted finally though that sex isn't as important to him but he does miss us being together in the same bed, not for sex but just to be near me. He's really bogged down at work at the moment and is stressed about that and feeling exhausted all the time, so that isn't helping things. He's also said that he will go back to the GP and ask about his lack of interest in sex and also why the actual "mechanics" aren't working as they should.

    I've explained that I'm quite happy to start off slowly and I don't expect to have a sex marathon the first time he's back in bed with me. That's been troubling him apparently as he feels he's expected to "perform" (his words) when he's with me and so he's just stayed away. He admitted that it's not me that's made him feel that way, just the way his male brain thinks. This is why I feel sorry for men sometimes as quite often they're portrayed as sex robots who can always "rise" to the occasion, unlike women who can just lie there if need be.

    Anyway, we'll see how things go. I take on board what you say theMightyBum about being grateful for the fact that in a lot of ways we're happy enough and I know that the grass is always greener on the other side. I really don't relish having to start afresh looking for another relationship and I'm not the type of person to have a load of one night stands just to have the sex that I crave. I know there are couples out there who manage in a non physical relationship and are quite happy with the companionship instead - for me though the physical side of things is also important.

    Thanks everyone and fingers crossed things change for the better for the two of us.

    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds like it went better than expected. You've obviously got something worth fighting for. Sounds like your OH may be dealing with a bit of depression if you don't mind me saying, but it's good he's going to get checked out. Best of luck :)

    KinkyFuckery [sign in to see picture]
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    Glad you have had the chat and it went well, just baby steps and you will get there . Good luck x

    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Our marriage. Is sexless, but due to health reasons, we have chatted a out this, for me it's not a problem. My ex was a sex pest also cuddles Review a huge part of our marriage. I have toy today ay for me I have a wonderful husband, good luck and hugs.

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I am happy to see you guys have got somewhere and hopefully things will slowly improve for you. It may take time, as habits are hard to break. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find some happy compromise. x

    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Me again. As I expected, despite the chat we had, nothing at all has changed and to say I'm now completely miserable/depressed/sad and also quite resentful/angry would be an understatement. Deep down I knew nothing would change but being the ever gullible and trusting person that I am, I was willing to take him at his word.

    So here I am, now wondering whether to call it quits as I really feel like life is passing me by. Whereas before we were getting on quite well day to day, there is now quite a frost in the air. He's just stuck his head in the sand and acts like everything's normal and then gets extremely defensive and short when I'm really not in the best of moods with him.

    It's now affecting my temperament with my two children, which for me is the last straw as by nature I'm a very bubbly, fun and loving person and I seem to have become a shadow of my old self, which I hate. I suppose I'm just doing this update as I'm looking for advice or maybe confirmation of what I should do next. My head (100%) and now my heart (75%) is saying enough is enough but I'm not a quitter and I really didn't get married a second time for it to end up in divorce.

    Any kind words of wisdom from anyone out there would be much appreciated. Thank you.

    bossglitter [sign in to see picture]
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    Let him fall asleep. 30 mins before his alrm wake him up with a blow job. Once you see his interest swing around ans sit on his face so that you can 69. After you get your fix slide down and sit on his dick

    AliMc [sign in to see picture]
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    Out of curiosity, does he ever masturbate?

    jouster [sign in to see picture]
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    bjb61 wrote:

    ... feeling exhausted all the time, so that isn't helping things.

    This, coupled with your comment regarding his snoring, makes me strongly suspect sleep apnoea. If he does go back to the doctors as he promised, get him to mention the snoring and feeling exhausted all of the time and ask to be referred for a sleep study. Sleep apnoea can lead on to serious health issues if not treated and should not be ignored. Good luck.

    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh bjb that sounds like a really crap situation. You must be really upset and frustrated.

    If you are still looking for solutions perhaps try working on one step at a time: sort out his snoring so you can at least share the same bed and get some intimate non-sexual time. If you can get that closeness back it's at least a step.

    Or perhaps a weekend away from the kids in a hotel somewhere? Stress to him that you don't want sex from the weekend, you just want some time with him because you feel like everything is falling apart and you need a refresh. You need to feel like he still cares for you.

    Does he do any other nice things for you? Buy you flowers? Take you to nice places? Send you lovey texts from work to let you know he's thinking about you? It's all very well him saying he cares about you and doesn't want to lose you, but is he showing it? Actions speak louder than words.

    If none of that works then I wouldn't be afraid to tell him that you are considering leaving him because you are feeling so neglected and it is changing who you are as a person and even how you are with your children. If that doesn't buck his ideas up then he clearly has some deeper issues and yeah in your shoes I would be out of the door.

    You deserve so much better than what you're getting at the moment. Does he realise that?

    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Maybe you should have another talk. Tell him everything you've told us. Tell him you want to end the relationship and ask him if that's what he wants. Has he seen a doctor? If he hasn't, maybe he needs the shock of you calling it quits to give him a kick up the backside to go and get help. Sometimes people get comfortable in a relationship and he might be scared to make an effort to change, but also might think it won't matter because you wouldn't have the courage to leave him.

    Bossglitter, given the nature of this thread, I think your comments are inappropriate, it doing sound like good advice considering it sounds like her husband has depression. You might also want to check out the forum rules, maybe paying particular interest to Rule 3.


    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Having been in this situation myself (Albeit not married) I can see the same downward spiral I went through. The periods of silence, waiting, the trying to tempt, finally resulting in long conversations with promises made and always broken.

    I think it is fair to say that this is at least your second or third chat with him about this right? (I imagine probably more) and nothing has changed. I am going to be the evil one here and tell you: he is being selfish. Totally selfish

    Now, I understand some people do not have high sex drives (That is fine) and I understand all of our sex lifes fade if we feel ill (Esp depression) but this has now been going on with your partner for 4 YEARS! and he knows you are unhappy in most of this time, makes promises and does NOTHING to change. He doesnt go to the doctors about stress, or worries about erections, or low libido etc. He doesn't follow through on promises made that have given you hope....he shatters that hope. He could either be truthful, or try, and it seems he is not willing to do either despite his wife being so unhappy. That is why I think he is now just acting in his own interests. He CLEARLY knows how much it is wrenching you apart inside and is just spinning some yarn about change to end the conversation at that time, with no intention to try afterwards (or maybe with intention, but then when the heat of the moment has passed, he rests back on his laurels again)

    My honest opinion? I don't think he is going to change. Just be aware that there is probably only one time he WILL change (This happened with me) As soon as he realises you are definitely leaving, as soon as your out the door for real.....Suddenly he can't do enough to work at it, but what did I learn? That only lasts a week or so if you go back, then it is back to normal business again. After 4 years he probably assumes he can sweeten you for another few months with a simple promise that he has little intention of keeping.

    I totally understand that he might be really stressed and depressed but .....for 4 years solid and not going the doctors to get help? All the while his wife feels unloved and neglected and he knows that? Nahhhhh sorry. I can tell by the way you write your last message that you are starting to get to the beginning of the end. I went through this, soon you will be snappy at him abut everything, not wanting to be near him and even hating the look on his face or his complete ignorance to whats going on...been there my friend. :(

    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Does he suffer depression? That can cause low libdo. As can some medications, so is he on any tablets . Also could he be having problems keeping an erection? Just try to throw out some medical reasons that can cause people to go off sex. Stress massively decreases sex drive. My partner has a very stressful job dealing with large sums of money and since the recession hit he has been under more and more stress. More frequently that stress has effected him in the bedroom because he just cannot switch off from thinking about it all.
    He's prob got to a point where he has left it so long since he last done it that he's nervous to do it again

    Fortysomething [sign in to see picture]
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    Afternoon, this is my first post, but I read your situation with interest.

    I've been with my OH for 22years now, married 15. Sex was amazing at first, and it is still great, just less frequent through pressures of life and two teenagers hanging around our necks.

    My wife suffers from depression, latterly anxiety, plus we have just moved house I know, from my research that anxiety is a killer of libido.

    I wouldn't give up on it just yet.

    Things you might try are:

    Does your husband have an interest? For example, I like going on my mountain bike, and it keeps my mind active and keeps me in reasonable shape (I am recovering from Sarcoidosis - an auto immune disease with a side helping of facial palsy - a massive blow to your confidence, but I've learn to live with it) - encourage him to do his hobby, and go along or seem interested etc;

    Have a read about diet, all good things for anxiety are easily obtainable from the supermarket, Pumpkin Seeds, lots of vegetables, salmon, turkey, sage etc;

    Four years is a long time, but it's also four years of a lot of pressure;

    You clearly love this man, and I think that for him pressure in the bedroom is perhpas making him resentful.

    At 48 is he the last of the old breed of old men, or the first breed of the new man. I am the latter, encourage him to wear nice clothes, perhaps some nice aftershave.

    I think your biggest problem is his job, I suffered the same, always working under immense pressure, then I just had enough, and got another at better pay, much to the relief of my wife.

    It sounds as though his job is stressful, and it comes at a price, which is a quality of life for you, your kids and him.

    It sounds like you need to reconnect emotionally first, and physically second - but my opinion would be that it's the job.

    Start with little changes, perhaps asking to go for a walk in the park together, or even to say a coutry house (my wife and I went to Chatsworth House gardens the other day, with a picnic, complete with Bucks Fizz) :-)

    Remember what you used to do back in the early days, there might be some clues as to when things changed.

    You aren't abnormal, my wife used to say I made her feel abnormal for wanting an intimate relationship, but she wasn't brought up to be demonstrative externally. She just felt under pressure, kids, house, weight, me, trying to get a job, insecurities from childhood etc.

    Good luck, four years is less than half the time you've been together already, give it a while longer - look after you, and get yourself back in shape.

    If it does seem like there is no alternative, you can look back with a head held high, and say at least I made the effort.

    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi peoples,

    Thanks for getting back to me so quick. I knew I wouldn't have to wait long for words of wisdom to come flooding at me . AliMc, in answer to your question, I've asked him if he does and the answer was no. Whereas all men I've known in the past do and also wake up some mornings with an erection, in his case neither of these things happen, which leads me to believe there is something physically wrong, not just psychologically. He's been to the GP for a whole series of tests but everything came back normal, which is good news really. However one of the things I asked him to discuss with the doctor, which was his lack of sex drive etc., he didn't bother to do. Having explained/begged/cried/shouted/discussed over the last four and a half years, it just shows me that he really doesn't care about my feelings or the relationship.

    Jouster, yes I've asked him to do something about his snoring but again, this is not something he thought was important enough to discuss with the GP. So I think I finally get the message that he doesn't want to share a bed or make an effort about this marriage.

    Beedrill, I've mentioned to him before now how nice it would be to get away for a weekend, or even overnight but nothing ever came of it. The kids are 15 and 19 now so I could leave them overnight if needed. No, he doesn't buy me flowers, take me out, no texts from work, basically he's not in the habit of showing me he cares. For the majority of the 11 years we've been together he's made no effort for my birthday, xmas, never anything for valentines and anniversaries (apart from our 10th this April) have ended up in arguments. Typing that just now just makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing still with him.

    I think deep down my mind's made up and I've had enough. I know for a fact that the majority of people wouldn't have stuck with him for so long. Most days I just put on an act of happiness just to keep the peace and because my little girl especially gets upset if my husband and I are at odds. So unless anybody out there knows of a miracle cure that would help me, I shall tell him that as he can't be bothered anymore then neither can I.

    Thank you for listening to my miserable ranting. I'm tired of being so sad and do deserve better so I shall work on bringing the happy me back.

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