• What do you do when your husband doesn't want sex anymore?

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    This is my second marriage and we've been married just over 10 years now (together 11yrs) and as is usually the case, the sex at the beginning was amazing. Over the years he's just become less & less interested to the point where we haven't had sex for over 4 years now. I'm Italian and extremely passionate and tactile and seem to have a high sex drive and so am finding it extremely difficult to cope with. Before anybody comes out with the usual excuse of he's having an affair, he's not. He's not very sexually experienced, having only had 3 short-term relationships with women before he met me - he was actually a late starter in that department - and he's not been married before. When I try and talk to him about it, he just gets very defensive and closes down completely - he's not good at talking about this feelings anyway. He tries to make me feel like I'm abnormal because I want a physical relationship with him. We're happy in other ways and I love him dearly and finding affection elsewhere is not an option for me as I take my marriage vows very seriously. I've tried buying a few things on here to try and interest him but with no success. It's got to the point now where I'm starting to feel resentful and feel that my life is just passing me by. I'm 51, he's 48 and I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. If there was a medical reason why there couldn't be any sex then that would be fine, but he's been to the GP and been told he's OK, so I'm at a loss as to what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.

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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    get him drunk?

    Buy a toy and play with in in bed next to him?

    Its hard to say for sure whats going on in his head, or even guess, but getting him tipsy and starting without him might get him involved.

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    FreeSingle&ReadyToTingle [sign in to see picture]
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    It's difficult to say why that might be. In one of my relationships the guy I was with just didn't really like sex, he kept saying that the less we did it the more special it would be...needless to say the relationship didn't last...
    The only advice I could give is to try something exciting to instigate sex, maybe a weekend away or more simply watch some porn with him. I found that really helpful when my ex went of sex x

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I luckily haven't had the problem that you have at the moment, but I can recommend some products that might help.

    I've tried this myself, and it's a brilliant little pack for couples, I don't know what toys you have bought so far, but this has a good variety for man and woman, and the stroker is especially good for the man.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=22875

    Or there's a premium option, which I haven't tried yet, but the contents look very good and individually have some very positive reviews.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=22875

    When ever I have some issues, I find it best to talk to my husband about it. How about asking him why he doesn't want to have much sex anymore? Tell him how you feel, you could buy all the toys in the world, but it might never get to the underlying problem. I think your best bet is to sit down, away from the bedroom, and really open up to him and tell him how you feel.

    I genuinely hope it works out for you :)

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    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you tried getting him involved in non penetravive intemacy such as sharing a shower together, massaging eachother, playing with food and eating off eachother?
    Just thought it might help get him in the mood.

    Also I can reccomend the sex dice if you look through gifts and games you'll find them. The idea is to take it in turns to roll the dice and follow what it instruction it give (non of which is penetrative sex).

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for your tips so far. Yes, I've tried playing next to him and he did join in with that but that was as far as it went. 10 mins of fun for me but wouldn't let me do anything for him in return. The added problem is that most of the time we don't even share a bed together as he gets up early for work and is also an horrendous snorer, so that doesn't help. As I posted in my original message, I have tried talking to him away from the bedroom but he just sees that as an personal attack on him, which is not how it is intended. When I read of husbands moaning because their wives hardly ever want sex, it makes me sad as here am I, a loving wife who enjoys sex and would do anything for her husband. Maybe this is how things are going to be and I'll just have to live with it. I would be really interested to hear from any guys on here who might be better able to explain how a man's brain thinks.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    To be honest with you, I think you need to talk to him, I know you say he doesn't listen, but the facts are it needs to be done. You need to tell him this is massively affecting your relationship and it isn't something that can be swept under the rug. Say to him that if he doesn't want to talk about it, then that's fine, but ask him how long he thinks you can continue going on like this without saying anything about it. This will push you both apart and you need to make sure he knows that. Good luck x

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    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    I think talking to him about the time when it was all good between you, and why it all stopped. Talking is the answer I feel as much as he may not want to he needs to understand that it's breaking you and making you miserable.

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    Khaleesi [sign in to see picture]
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    MrsMcX wrote:

    To be honest with you, I think you need to talk to him, I know you say he doesn't listen, but the facts are it needs to be done. You need to tell him this is massively affecting your relationship and it isn't something that can be swept under the rug. Say to him that if he doesn't want to talk about it, then that's fine, but ask him how long he thinks you can continue going on like this without saying anything about it. This will push you both apart and you need to make sure he knows that. Good luck x

    I agree. This is something that needs to be talked about. Toys can come later Xx

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    Hampshire Hogg [sign in to see picture]
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    As a young and thrusting 49 year old male, I would suggest that your husband's low sex drive could be due to a number of factors such as stress or lack of confidence.

    It might be an idea to try to talk to him about how he feels about himself in general terms rather than focusing in on sex. I went through a time last year when I was suffering from stress and my sex drive fell though the floor.

    You also mention that he snores a lot, this may be because he is overweight? If this is the case he may feel self conscious about his body or if he is less experienced he may feel his technique is not good enough.

    I was once told that you can't really love someone else until you first truly love yourself.

    So I feel you need to have a chat above your husband's general wellbeing rather than focusing on his lack of sex drive. You may also like to try just spending time together as a couple.

    What he doesn't need is to be put under pressure.

    Hope this helps

    HH

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Wholeheartedly agree with HH. Make sure he knows how much you love him, and how attractive he is to you. As a female I've gone through patches of having a low sex drive because of body conscious issues, but once I spoke to my husband about it, which in itself was such a hard conversation, he assured me exactly how he felt about me and how attractive he thinks I am and it soon shot back up.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Wholeheartedly agree with HH. Make sure he knows how much you love him, and how attractive he is to you. As a female I've gone through patches of having a low sex drive because of body conscious issues, but once I spoke to my husband about it, which in itself was such a hard conversation, he assured me exactly how he felt about me and how attractive he thinks I am and it soon shot back up.

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    He has gained weight over the past few years, round the tummy area, which is why his snoring is a lot worse. As for telling him how much I love him, I do that every day and tell him how I still find him attractive. He is under increasing stress at work and I know that that can play havoc with your sex drive. I've tried talking to him about how he feels, without putting undue pressure about the sex side of things, but as usual he just says he's tired and that's the end of the conversation. This is why I suggested going to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with him as he shouldn't be feeling so tired all the time, but as of now all the tests he's had done have come back fine. My weight has now started to creep up due to being neglected and feeling unloved so that doesn't help my self esteem. I already feel like there must be something wrong with me as he's not interested at all. I wouldn't mind but this is a first for me and so I'm at a complete loss as to what to do for the best. I've never had problems with previous relationships when it comes to the sex side of things, they all seemed to enjoy the Italian side of me lol. As I said before, apart from the physical side of things, the relationship seems to run pretty smoothly from day to day. He tells me he loves me, has said he wants to stay married to me and would be upset if I strayed (which I would never do), we hardly have any disagreements over anything but the situation has become more like sharing the house with a friend rather than a marriage.

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    bjb61 [sign in to see picture]
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    By the way, sorry to everybody if I'm sounding extremely pathetic and sad. It's just that after four and a half years, it's starting to become a bit to much for me to handle. Thanks for your advice so far. It's much appreciated.

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    Hampshire Hogg [sign in to see picture]
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    bjb61 wrote:

    He has gained weight over the past few years, round the tummy area, which is why his snoring is a lot worse. As for telling him how much I love him, I do that every day and tell him how I still find him attractive. He is under increasing stress at work and I know that that can play havoc with your sex drive. I've tried talking to him about how he feels, without putting undue pressure about the sex side of things, but as usual he just says he's tired and that's the end of the conversation. This is why I suggested going to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with him as he shouldn't be feeling so tired all the time, but as of now all the tests he's had done have come back fine. My weight has now started to creep up due to being neglected and feeling unloved so that doesn't help my self esteem. I already feel like there must be something wrong with me as he's not interested at all. I wouldn't mind but this is a first for me and so I'm at a complete loss as to what to do for the best. I've never had problems with previous relationships when it comes to the sex side of things, they all seemed to enjoy the Italian side of me lol. As I said before, apart from the physical side of things, the relationship seems to run pretty smoothly from day to day. He tells me he loves me, has said he wants to stay married to me and would be upset if I strayed (which I would never do), we hardly have any disagreements over anything but the situation has become more like sharing the house with a friend rather than a marriage.

    Have you thought about joining a gym together or exercising together such as going on bike rides or walks?

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I second what MrsMc said. He might be defensive about it but you need to let him know how big a deal this is for you. (Because it is of course.)

    I suggest writing him a letter, if he is the kind of person to get defensive and not let you explain. I understand why he would get defensive, Clearly the fact that he gets defensive suggests it is a touchy subject for him which also suggests something is going on for him. It could be lack of confidence, sexual problems that he is worried about, even feeling pressured...whatever, clearly this is a touchy subject for him too so I don't think he just doesnt care, I think something about it is bothering him.

    I think you need yo find a way to talk to him where you can be clear how much this effects you and not beat around the bush because you feel like your walking on egg shells, while at the same time not coming across as accusatory or looking for conflict.

    If this was me, I would probably say something like "Okay, we havent had sex for 4 years and I know you don't like talking about it, thats okay you don't have to talk and I dont want answers if you feel like you cant give them right now, but I need to tell you this is effecting me more than you think. I feel unwanted/insecure/unloved. Sex is very important to me, it makes me feel close to you etc........and because we dont have it I feel....

    I would be most inclined to write it all in a letter though, that way you can put down everything you need to say and give him time maybe when you go out or go to work etc to read and digest it. When you come back, ask him if he read it and if he would like to chat to you about anything.

    Just try to avoid accusations, pressuring, comparing. Remember that relationships work two ways, you know? 4 years is a bloody long time in my opinion. I don't think I would have managed a year. I can clearly see you love him but I think sex is important to you as it is to me and it is kinda like, he decided (for whatever reason) to take away something very important to you. Like you said if this was a medical reason fair enough but you said he is physically healthy. Maybe he has emotional issues but he isnt sharing with you, thats the thing. Thats the thing that kinda...bugs ...me I guess. He just stopped doing something massively important to most relationships and closes up about it. He isnt really being fair. If he told you why it would make it easier to sort out any issues or make decisions but this....silence is massively unhelpful and unfair.

    I have been in a similar situation and I know what you mean by hearing it is usually the other way around! It is just as frustrating either way round. Its pretty soul destroying after a while. I am sorry if I wasnt very helpful. My relationship ended and so I am not exactly an expert lol. We even went to couples councelling for a while but by that point it was too little too late for us.

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    Trial&Error [sign in to see picture]
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    Perhaps get him to go to the doc?

    perhaps he has a low testosterone count? Which would lower his libido?

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    Trial&Error [sign in to see picture]
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    Here for example :

    http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/Pages/Introduction.aspx

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Never thought of a letter, that's a great idea Fluffbags. At least then he can't shut you down when you try and talk about it.

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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    massage oil is good too

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