• Advice needed

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been dating someone since September 2012, initially we were poly as he had a fiancee.

    Things were going great at first untill December, when he and his fiancee decided that they should seperate, but continue relationships with their secondary partners. The seperation took time - they finally moved out of their shared home in March.

    This is where things started to go wrong with me and him. I expected him to struggle with the break up, despite the fact that he initiated it, as it is only natural. However the way he is currently behaving is causing me to doubt if he's cheating on me with her ( or anyone else for that matter) even if it's just emotionally, or even if it's fair or right to ask him to buck his ideas up a bit.

    He has started witholding affection from me. He no longer cuddles me, kisses me or even cheekily gropes me in public any more. This makes me feel sad and unatractive - as well as feeling like I have done something to make him mad. we only have sex once a month as i have given up initiating - he does not respond to me if I do.

    On top of that he will do such selfish things, such as not put the effort into meeting me, or even dropping me an e mail in the week to say how he is doing. His exuse for this is that it's "not important or significant to him" so he won't bother - despite me saying that its significant to *me* This is also his attitude to seeing me on the weekends, which I enjoy more than seeing him in the week because I get my pay on Fridays and it's financially viable.

    He also will drop everything and plan things to happen on the weekend or when I am supposed to be seeing him with other people. I do not mind him socialising, but if he's told me a week beforehand he will be free on a certain date - then to cancel with me for something that's been planned a few hours before makes me feel like I am not important to him. His attitude to this is that he wants to see his friends and I obviously don't want to allow him that because im not cool with it and that I should make my own circle of friends ( which is not easy at all to me due to autistic tendencies, severe bullying as a child and a lack of self confidence. He seems to think friends can just be materialised out of the ehter)

    The main problem is his attitude towards his ex. She attended a party near his house recently and decided instead of sleeping on the floor there she would sleep in his bed - with him. He cannot see why I am so upset by this and the fact that it's not cool with me. So much so that he did it again around a week ago. His attitude is that he does it with his other female friends, that he'd never want to be with his ex and that nothing happened do that I am blowing it out of proportion. It's another case of "its not emotionally significant to me" He will also drop what he is doing with me to spend time with her and go over to her house, answer her calls ect. But only when he is with me - the other weekend when there was a friend over he told her to call later.

    When he has friends and people around him he's fine and his usual self with me ( putting on a show) but when we are alone he egnores me - sitting on his computer playing single player games when I enjoy co op play with him. this is another thing that make me sad. His excuse is that he gets "peopled out" and does not want to interact with anyone when he feels like this. Which is fine but he deliberatley has others around to make himself like it before alone time with me!

    I have come up with solutions to make myself feel more comfortable with him interacting with his ex, as he still wants friendship. I have said i'd be more cool with it if he made plans in advance and told me so I'm not sat on my own wondering, and to actually prioritise time with me. To make plans in advance would actually mean he wouldnt have to stay over, and woulf make me feel less insecure about it. I've said that i'd like to go out and do things at the weekend so that we are not sat indoors all the time - but he just does not respond, or says that he cant afford it ( which is a lie as he has more income than me)

    He has basically said that me telling him that this isn't cool means I am paranoid and it's all my fault the relationship is going bad and that his bad moods are directly my fault. That he is the way he is, he's not going to put any effort in and it's up to me to live with the things he does. when i mention the steps I have suggested and asks why he hasn't tried them he just says "let's split up then"

    He said a few months back that he wanted to break up, and we talked about how we could impove things. I discussed with him what I wanted and he has not done anyhting to improve it. i am from an emotionally abusive childhood and he uses triggers on me all the time - despite me telling him what they are, why they upset me and not to use them, I have done things he's asked, including getting signed up for therapy to help with the past. He has not done any of the things I asked for - and has put no effort in. The suff I asked for was for him to simply call or e mail once a week, to tell me his plans in advance and not to drop me like a sack of Sh*t for other people.

    I am simply wondering if it is me who is the one that's wrong in this relationship, and if i should live with him doing the things to me. i am aware that you have not got his side of the story too.

    I do not want to be alone, or to break up with him - we still have more good than bad, but this is changing slowly. I don't know what to do to make it better on my own, or how to actually get through to him.

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    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sorry to hear that SL666,

    I'm not entirely sure what to say in regards to it because ofc I don't know what he's thinking.

    Is he still Poly? Maybe he enjoyed that aspect of the relationship as he didn't have to 'check in' so to speak with you on a regular basis.

    If he's just got out of a realtionship with his ex (Sounds to me like she's more than that IMO) then maybe he just wants time to *Be single*. Do you both have a realtionship and is it just the two of you or has that been discussed.

    I think you need to have a talk to him, and find out what it is that he wants. You shouldn't be feeling the way you do feel with him and then maybe you can both see where you can go from there, if that is being together soley, poly or as friends. That way you know where you stand. And what your feelings should be.

    I'd also be thinking the same as you if my OH was doing all that, that he doesn't put me first, and that he doesn't believe I'm significant or our plans. Personally I haven't got the patience for all that and would have already said my goodbyes.

    I do hope you feel better in yourself soon hun and things work out.

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    FrozenAngel wrote:

    I'm sorry to hear that SL666,

    I'm not entirely sure what to say in regards to it because ofc I don't know what he's thinking.

    Is he still Poly? Maybe he enjoyed that aspect of the relationship as he didn't have to 'check in' so to speak with you on a regular basis.

    If he's just got out of a realtionship with his ex (Sounds to me like she's more than that IMO) then maybe he just wants time to *Be single*. Do you both have a realtionship and is it just the two of you or has that been discussed.

    I think you need to have a talk to him, and find out what it is that he wants. You shouldn't be feeling the way you do feel with him and then maybe you can both see where you can go from there, if that is being together soley, poly or as friends. That way you know where you stand. And what your feelings should be.

    I'd also be thinking the same as you if my OH was doing all that, that he doesn't put me first, and that he doesn't believe I'm significant or our plans. Personally I haven't got the patience for all that and would have already said my goodbyes.

    I do hope you feel better in yourself soon hun and things work out.

    We decided due to the risk to our relationship to be monogomus for a while. He's gone off polyamoury due to the fact that it's when his relationship started wrong. I could see myself ending up as poly again. Even if we expand the relationship there's still problems at the core of this one that need adressing.

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    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you both need to sit down and have a chat hun, the way it's sounding it doesn't at all sound like a monogomus realtionship.

    I'm monogomous, I don't share greedy lol, so I think the best bet is sitting down and having a chat, finding out if he does actually want to be monogomous or if he is poly.

    I could be wrong since I don't know all that much about poly realtionships, but it's not always a choice is it? Like a decision to make if you're going to be with one or many (Sorry if I'm compleatley ignorant to it, as I don't know all that much about it) So maybe he did want to try and be monogomous, but it's not been as easy as that?

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    he fell into being poly - as did I. We talked about finding others but neither of us were keen on doing it. It has been somehting he's said in argument - Just get someone else to do it - but that's not the issue and not an absolver of his behaviour.

    I've tried talking with him but he just sits their and watches me talk and cry, then says nothing at all , even when I ask him direct questions.

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    trailerguy61 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sad to see how this guy has gone from being ok whilst with the other woman with you as a side dish and now just seems ok when he has friends around.

    the last paragraph sums up your dilema, he sits there listening to you can see your lips moving but cant hear anything you say, nor can he seemingly be bothered that your obviously patently upset about the whole situation. you sound like a caring individual, your purchasing history looks like youve made lots of effort to keep and improve a healthy sex life, its wasted on him right now.

    not much idea about being poly, but its certainly not working for you right now.

    is there no way you can break the ties that bind and start afresh ?

    ive always been told that cant (change) means wont (change) and as much as you want this to work a seemingly one-sided love affair cant/wont/isnt going anywhere sad to say.

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    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    SL brutal advice - get shot of him hun.

    He is showing no respect to your needs or feelings, whe he says emailing you isn't important to him I read it as you are not important to him.

    Get the therepy to deal with your past, but do it for yourself so you can move on and find a man who will treat you with respect.

    You are a smart lady and deserve so much more than this guy is giving you.

    xGGx

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    Hampshire Hogg [sign in to see picture]
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    ghostgirl wrote:

    SL brutal advice - get shot of him hun.

    He is showing no respect to your needs or feelings, whe he says emailing you isn't important to him I read it as you are not important to him.

    Get the therepy to deal with your past, but do it for yourself so you can move on and find a man who will treat you with respect.

    You are a smart lady and deserve so much more than this guy is giving you.

    xGGx

    How are you GG, hopefully recovering?

    HH

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    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm afraid to say but the answer lies in the very first sentence, the fact that he was seeing someone else when he met you. I know some people choose to be polygomous and open about it but deep down there's usually one person who wants more than the other, one who loves more than the other and one who ends up getting hurt.
    It sounds like polygomy isn't for you and you probably need some distance from him and find someone who want you all to himself and no share.

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    sorry to bring this old thread up but i have a bit of an update

    we have decided to split up, as its making me miserable trying to save a relationship on my own efforts

    at the moment I just feel so angry at him for not trying, especially now when he's doing the things I asked of him such as e mailing me and texting. It just brings home the fact he could have saved us but he didnt want to. I have realised he's just a selfish man who is not on the same maturity level as me. Im trying to remain firends with him but im not sure if i will be able to if he continues like he is.

    I also feel like Im going to die alone, that i will never have a stable and viable relationship and that im just an unatacctive mess. It does not help that I have no friends or hobbies in the area and that I do not have a stable income which would help me be able to socialise. I only know him. being on my own makes me feel more lonley and worse so I go out and see him socially for things like the cinema and that probably isn't helping.

    I need affection and someone in my life, but Im worried that I wont be able to cope with another relationship or deal with that person properly. I want a partner, but not a rebound

    at least at the end of the day I can hold my head high and say I tried, which is important.

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    rubysoho [sign in to see picture]
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    to be blunt , it dosent sound like a relationship at all :/ sorry to say but it just sounds like he's lost interest . i hope im wrong ... but from the short glimpse into how hes actin that youve written ... :/ eep

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    rubysoho wrote:

    to be blunt , it dosent sound like a relationship at all :/ sorry to say but it just sounds like he's lost interest . i hope im wrong ... but from the short glimpse into how hes actin that youve written ... :/ eep

    ive realised that now, Im just unsure at the moment on how to process the fallout of it :(

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    Steven fun male [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi sweet love I've read your messages and to be honest you are better of without this man well he's not a man your worth much more as a person to be treated like that I'd text you or email you just to get to know you huni hold your head up high close the door and walk away from a poor excuses of a man I'm actually disappointed he's a male you take it steady and care yourself you can email or text me anytime and I'd return a message

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    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi SL, if we lived close I'd try cheer you up somehow :-) I dont have any friends or really know anyone in my area either, except for my OH mates but then we don't get any alone time, vicious cycle.
    You won't be alone forever you'll find someone who deserves to have you. Chin up chick :-) xx

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    Big hugs. Hope you find someone better soon :) xx

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Hugs Sweetlove. Sorry to say but after reading your first post I was fully in agreement with what you said in your second post, he is acting selfish and for whatever reason, doesn't want to put in the effort. I don't think it has anything to do with poly. If anything he seems like the one not open or mature enough to have poly relationships. He cant find time, he wants alone time often, he doesnt listen to the concerns of one of his partners and makes you feel like your at fault for stuff going wrong because he fails to listen and work with you. He is running around doing as he pleases and using poly as his excuse to tell you that your over reacting or whatever. Thats my opinion anyway.

    I know during the breakup stages its hard. Thinking you have to start again, no one will want you and all that stuff but all I can say is you CAN hold your head up high and wait for that someone special to come alone rather than stay miserable with someone just to be with someone. Easier said that done when they promise change and you have faith. It will take time and then at some point, a year or so from now, you will look back and laugh and think "Jeez, why was I with that person" Good luck hunni xx

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