• "The Scene" seems so impenetrable.

    Dastity [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 57
    • Joined: 12 Dec 2012

    Hi all,

    I've lurked here for a while and posted a little, but tend to stay pretty quiet. I'm a fairly shy person, which is what pushed me to this thread. I lurk on Fetlife too, particularly groups that are local to me. I read about various events and munches and there's a part of me that would love to attend something, and a bigger part that is fearful of it.

    I'm 30, I know what I like, what my kinks are, and how I feel about myself. I'm submissive in the bedroom and my OH likes to be fairly dominant - something which is developing more and more. We're happy, too. I'm not sure how my OH would feel about attending something like a munch; she's very shy too.

    Everytime I consider the idea of attending an event or munch I chicken out, and yet Fetlife is littered with people, videos and images of people doing exactly that and having a good time too. For me "The Scene" seems impenetrable, full of confident people doing confident things, confidently. I'm always concerned that the first time I go i'll run into a guy I need to deal with at work, or somehow friends will learn of my kinks, etc. It's pretty stupid really.

    So I guess the question following that ramble is; do you attend local or national events, how did you get into them and how do you feel about it? Have you made friends, is it a social thing, do you actively get involved or simply go there to witness and learn as opposed to take part?


    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 923
    • Joined: 16 Apr 2008

    Oooh, all good questions. I have lots to say! Am on the iPad so formatting might be a bit weird...

    > "For me "The Scene" seems impenetrable, full of confident people doing confident things, confidently." Not true! Fetlife is the Facebook of kink. People don't post their fears or struggles or lack of confidence, they only post the good stuff. As an online-based community, there is a large proportion of people on the scene who are introverts, who have less-than-amazing social skills, who are shy, etc. The great thing about the scene (at least the scene in Dublin) is that everyone is open minded enough not to judge on first appearances. People are welcoming and friendly and make an extra effort with newbies.

    > "I'm always concerned that the first time I go i'll run into a guy I need to deal with at work, or somehow friends will learn of my kinks, etc."
    The first people I met on the scene were people I already knew from "Real Life". Those people are now my closest friends. It's not a bad thing to meet someone you already know on the scene, it's a good thing! It means they're into the same stuff as you, and you have one more ally than you did before. It's really reassuring as well, it takes away some of the shame or taboo around kink to know there are other kinksters in every walk of life. As for your friends finding out -- a few of my friends know I'm kinky and it makes no difference to them. If it did, I wouldn't be friends with them anymore and that would be their loss.

    > "Do you attend local or national events, how did you get into them and how do you feel about it?"
    I do attend local/national events. I live in the capital so most "national" events are local for me, if that makes sense. I got into them through Fetlife and I absolutely love them. I've made tons of friends and the dynamic between me & my partner has developed and deepened since we started attending events.

    > "Have you made friends, is it a social thing"
    Yes, lots! It's very social. We have 2 munches per month, a monthly fetish nightclub night, a monthly Peer Rope workshop, a bimonthly play party, and fetish markets, private parties, etc etc. We could (and sometimes do) attend a kink event once a week if we were inclined! We're visiting a kinky friend's house this weekend where she's going to give us some rope lessons & tips, so yes, I've definitely made friends that I would never have found otherwise.

    > "do you actively get involved or simply go there to witness and learn as opposed to take part?"
    To begin, we were fairly sure we wouldn't want to play in public, but that has since changed. There's definitely nothing wrong with attending to observe others! But we found the atmosphere so respectful and open and comfortable that we found to our surprise that we really wanted to play. There are usually rules and monitors at events to ensure that everyone's space is respected and that scenes run smoothly.

    If I had to give you one tip, it would be to see if you can befriend another couple of newbies who are also hesitant about attending events. Me & my partner befriended another couple online (it turns out we knew them in real life already, as I said above!) and it made it much less stressful to take those first steps together as a group.

    Start with a munch, they're vanilla and low-pressure, just a night in the pub with new friends. Absolute worst thing that can happen is that you don't enjoy it, at which point you can leave. But I'd definitely push any kinkster towards attending events. Fetlife is great, but it's no match for the benefit of a real, face-to-face community of people.

    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 378
    • Joined: 9 Nov 2010

    the only thing making the scene impenetrable is your own head. In reality the fet scene is as full of unsure newbies as confident regulars. I'm afraid the only advice I can give you is stop overthinking it and just go.

    My first munch was in Sunderland, I went alone and was very nervous but everyone was welcoming. That said if you go and sit in a corner and don't speak to anyone, whilst people will make the effort for your first couple of times they won't coddle you forever.

    I don''t play publicly and I use the scene as a means to my social life as much as anything else. I have many many friends in the scene, more so than vanilla. As for running in to someone you know, well they are probably just as scared of you outing them. Very few people go to the effort of looking up and attending a local munch just so they could find people they know and make difficulties for them. I've been on the scene 3 years, with over 70 events/munches I've attended and I've heard of one incident of someone been outed by a collegue, but they had fetlife stalked her.

    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 887
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2009

    The scene isn't as hard to get into as you would think. I would partake in your local boards on Fet and you will get to know names and maybe get chatting to other locals. When you see an event posted, a munch is the perfect way to start. Look to see if any of those familiar names are going. Send the organiser a message just saying that you haven't attended a munch before and would it be possible to have a meet and greet? When you go, your first time you are bound to be a little nervous. Chat to people. Say hi my name is ****** and this is my first munch. Usually that is enough to get chatting. You will find people friendly and we don't judge people on their looks.

    I go to lots of events, infact I was supposed to be at one tonight but saving pennies. I can't complain, I was at a munch on tuesday there. There is at least one event every week here. There are munches, BDSM/Fetish clubs, open house, play nights, rope workshops. Caberesque nights (caberet/buresque nights) It is had to fit in 'nilla life! There isn't any pressure to attend all the events, you just go to what you want and no pressure if you decide not to go. We are arranging a trip to the sea side, that will be so much fun!

    I have made loads of friends from joining my local scene, some very good friends. You get out of the scene what you put in. Join in and get to know people, it will only be a good thing!

    I have learned lots! I find it an hounor to be taught rope by some of the best riggers in Scotland. I love to take part and to try new things. Found there is quite a confident wee Minx here! Some of the things I've done!

    If you do run into someone you know, well they must be into kink as well so why be awkward about things.

    I see Fetlife as a social networking site. Most of my friends I know from going to events and yes I've ventured across the border too, road trip! I do have some of the old gang from here as friends too but I would rather I actually know my friends.

    Go for it! What do you have to loose? Go to a munch and see how you go. You may decide you want to venture onto a club. Let us know how you get on!

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