• Feelings you shouldn't have.

    1361145449
    CharlieTheDog [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok, here goes.

    I have feelings for someone that I really shouldn't and I can't make them go away. The guy in question and myself used to be quite close friends, although over the years we haven't had much contact with each other- just chatting now and then on Facebook, and I see him every couple of weeks at parties or gigs.

    Now the problem is that I have a boyfriend. We've been together for almost 4 years, and he loves me so much. I love him too, but recently, I've been feeling a bit distant from him. I feel as though I have fallen out of love.

    I hate feeling this way, and want to try and get over this 'crush' as soon as possible, and then when I have, I can analyse my feelings for my boyfriend properly without my feelings being clouded by this thing hanging over me.

    I've tried staying away from this guy, not talking to him, making a list of his 'bad points', etc... but nothing works. I really like everything about him. He knows how I feel and we have talked about it to a certain extent. I made him aware of my feelings when I was drunk (stupidly.. I really regret it now) and then the next day I apologised and he just said that it was fine, he appreciated the compliment. The conversation ended with him saying "But... don't you have a boyfriend?", and then after a couple of minutes, when I didn't answer, "Ah damn I have to leave. Let's talk later", but I couldn't bring it up again because I didn't know what to say.

    I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way as I do, but I can't be sure because he knows I have a boyfriend and wouldn't do anything while we are together. I'm not saying I want to break up with my boyfriend to be with this guy- I would like to know how he feels but more as a 'closure' sort of thing.

    So! I was thinking of just saying to him:

    "This is a bit embarrasing but as you know, I have a little bit of a thing for you, which isn't really appropriate because I have a boyfriend. I'm going to just avoid you completely for a while.. I want to stay friends, but for now I think it' best that I just distance myself all together. I hope you don't just think I'm beng rude or unfriendly. I'm sorry for telling you in the first place, I shouldn't have done that to my boyfriend. I also know that you don't feel the same way, so I'm sorry for being such a doofus and just thrusting that upon you. Take care of yourself."

    What do you all think? Any tips on how to get over someone you can't have?

    1361147042
    fistinglover69 [sign in to see picture]
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    noooooooooooo. saying to the other person that you fancy them is just as bad (to me) as completely cheating. how could you not tell your boyfriend after that ? and what if the other person replied saying he felt the same? then you've kinda gone behind his back. your first port of call should be your boyfriend. always always always.

    just take a minute and think how you'd feel if you didnt have your boyfriend anymore? imagine different situations - what if your boyfriend said to you tomorrow he wanted to end it because he had found someone else? what if he'd had a conversation with the other person about his attraction for her? if that makes you feel horrid then maybe hang on to what youve got. if you feel that it would be for the best then maybe then talk to your boyfriend about your feelings?

    think to yourself why youre interested in this other person? has your current sex life gone downhill? are you feeling unwanted/unattractive? maybe this other persons had a bit of a flirt with you and you feel more wanted there?

    just think twice . i dont mean to sound harsh but leaving a four year relationship should take a lot of consideration!

    1361174519
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Five months ago I was in the exact position of your boyfriend, I still love my partner of many years but she was where you are now and decided not to talk to me and we ended up in a cycle of lies and depression.

    No crush is worth being untrue to yourself and to your loved ones, real love faces challenges and it is far too easy to go down the path of impulse and least responsibility.

    1361217129
    CharlieTheDog [sign in to see picture]
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    Totally agree with you both- I regretted telling this guy I like him as soon as I said it. I felt awful for my boyfriend- if he had done that and I found out I would be devastated.

    I know that I still love my boyfriend, but I just feel 'in' love. I don't want to break up with him while I have feelings for this guy because I think this silly crush that I have is clouding my judgement of what I really want. But I also think it's totally unfair on my boyfriend that I do have feelings for someone else- and why do I have these feelings?

    My boyfriend treats me well and is so loving toward me, I think that I've just simply fallen out of love with him. I've tried remembering what the beginning of our relationship was like and why I fell for him in the first place, but I can't seem to push myself back to where I was a couple of months ago. Our sex life has gone a bit stale, but it picks up and drops again randomly. He really is amazing and I know I'm so stupid for even considering leaving him. I've found something that everyone is looking for so why can't I just be happy with it? I hate how I feel and really wish I could force myself in love with him again but I just can't.

    I would never physically cheat on my partner, but I know he would be absolutely gutted if he knew that I had feelings for someone else, let alone told them about it. We've had our major ups and downs, but we are still young and I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I'm not 100% happy- we both deserve more than that.

    I know I need to get over this guy before I make any big decisions, I just don't know how to do it. This guy is perfect in my eyes, and don't get me wrong, my partner is amazing and has a lot of qualities that I think are perfect as well, and I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side.. I just don't know what to do to make these feelings go away.

    1361220698
    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    @CharlietheDog -

    I'm not going to beat around the bush: you need to sort out your relationship, not your feelings for your friend.

    When you got together with your boyfriend, did you have all your glands surgically removed? No? Then you're going to see guys now and in the future that just make you swoon with lust. You're still human, you still have a healthy sex drive, and trying NOT to be who you are will just crush your spirit AND your relationship leaving you a bitter, resentful husk of the person you are today.

    Still with me? Good.

    If the other people you fancy are making you doubt your relationship, the problem is with your relationship. It's not a question of looking for the "better deal", or jumping ship: either you love the guy and want to be his partner, or you don't. If you don't, why not? What is lacking? Look at yourself: what do you regret? What do you miss? When you get a bit down, and start thinking "I wish . . . " how does that sentence end?

    You say you're young. Perhaps you are just not ready to settle down yet. Right person, wrong time. It happens.
    Perhaps what you've convinced yourself you want out of life is not really matching up with what you NEED. How much of your life plan has been influenced by friends and family's expectations for you? Are you just living to please them? Or really for you?

    What I'm getting from your posts is that you don't feel the way you "ought" to feel. Who decided that standard for you to measure yourself against? There's even a school of thought that says you shouldn't have to choose between partners this way, that with enough emotional security and honest communication you can open up a relationship to other partners, but in truth very few people are able to make this kind of relationship successful.

    My best advice is to be honest and talk to your boyfriend about your feelings, and about the problems you've been having. If you can both work on things, maybe you can recover the enthusiasm you used to have for your relationship. If you can't work through it together, then you need to find out now so that you don't waste your time and energy on something that was never quite right in the first place.

    Good luck

    MrMr

    1361253919
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    I disagree with Mr Monster, just because your eye has been caught by someone does not mean your relationship is broken. That's an assumption people use to justify change. No relationship is perfect and there always low points and times when you need to try a bit harder.

    You have done well by not citing on your urges, the idea you need to put some distance between you and The Other Man is sound. Next you need to think seriously about being open with your OH, not an easy suggestion to make and an even harder thing to do.

    When my ex was in this situation she let it eat away at her, she refused to be honest and it made her depressed and delusional. She ended up seeing me as an amalgam of her previous exes and told people I was abusive, all to justify an affair while telling me she was trying her best to save our relationship. I don't imagine for one moment you will be the same, but just wanted to make the point that as hard as openness can be - deceit is much more dangerous. :( x

    1361296060
    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    I disagree with Mr Monster, just because your eye has been caught by someone does not mean your relationship is broken. That's an assumption people use to justify change. No relationship is perfect and there always low points and times when you need to try a bit harder.

    You have done well by not citing on your urges, the idea you need to put some distance between you and The Other Man is sound. Next you need to think seriously about being open with your OH, not an easy suggestion to make and an even harder thing to do.

    When my ex was in this situation she let it eat away at her, she refused to be honest and it made her depressed and delusional. She ended up seeing me as an amalgam of her previous exes and told people I was abusive, all to justify an affair while telling me she was trying her best to save our relationship. I don't imagine for one moment you will be the same, but just wanted to make the point that as hard as openness can be - deceit is much more dangerous. :( x

    Totally agree with this. Feelings and attractions are bound to pop up, it doesn't mean anything's wrong.

    As far as what you are planning to say to him, it makes perfect sense to me, if he is a good friend, then you should be honest with him, it's the only way forward. I don't agree with FistingLover that telling someone you fancy them is like cheating, but it is unfair on your partner if you do tell your friend behind his back. You have to explain the situation to both of them, and make sure you tell your partner that although you are attracted to someone else, you are going to give him some space etc, and make sure your partner knows that you are putting him first.

    1361403828
    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    @Noon & Shaftmaster - I might have explained myself badly.

    It's the fact that these feelings are causing doubts about the relationship that makes me worry. Becuse usually, as you point out, that wouldn't mean that anything was wrong.

    The insistence on having no temptation or distraction around just to be able to talk to the boyfriend . . .that suggests Charlie is pretty sure the relationship needs all the help it can get. That is not a strong partnership being described. It sounds an awful lot like someone staying in a relationship out of a sense of duty to the other person, even when all the feelings have faded away. This relationship has lost its spark, has an intermittent sexual aspect, and appears to be driven by what Charlie has been taught to see as desirable.

    Remind me again why working on the relationship instead of shifting the crush is a bad idea?

    1361405896
    CharlieTheDog [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey guys,

    thanks for all the advice. I agree with you all. The relationship has lost its spark and my heart isn't 100% in it anymore. I know that I want to at least try and save our relationship because, like I said, I do love my boyfriend- but I've fallen out of love with him.

    This crush I have on this other guy is just that- I've had crushes before, and so has my boyfriend. I'm not worried about that, because it's obviously normal to be attracted to other people- that doesn't stop just because you're in a relationship. I just feel like this time, my 'crush' is developing into something more real- real feelings instead of just someone I fancy the look of, which I know isn't a problem in itself, but rather a symptom of another problem, and this is why I want to try and get rid of this minor thing before dealing with the much bigger problem of what to do with regards to my relationship.

    I know I need to either work on my relationship with my boyfriend or accept that it's just not meant to be, but at the end of the day, I can't force myself to fall in love with someone, even if it is someone I am in a relationship with. I suppose I feel like I ought to love my boyfriend because he is my boyfriend, afterall, and you don't really expect to just fall out of love with your partner.

    Another reason why I don't want to break things off with him is because I know it would crush him. He loves me in the way that you 'should' love a person who you've been with for this many years. He's so kind and generous and just amazing really, and I don't want to break his heart and hurt him. I just don't know what to do. In all honesty, I don't really know how I feel about my boyfriend. I don't want to hurt him, and I care about him so, so much, but I think that deep down in my heart, I have accepted that I just don't feel the same way about him as I did a couple of months ago.

    1361408578
    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    This is literally the exact same position that I have been in for a couple of weeks!

    I have suffered with depression a little which has obiously had an impact, but I too got a crush on a friend after I'd started doubting my relationship.

    Truth is- there is no easy answer. Imagine your life without him- what would it be like? Would you be happy or not? Also imagine your future together- will you get married, have kids, grow old? If you can't see a future or dont want to see a future then do the right thing and break it off with him.

    I know it is hard, and I'm hardly one to be giving advice. I've been putting off breaking up with my boyfriend since before Christmas. Things come up and there's no good time to do it. He's actually been given a a very exclusive interview for his dream job- he has to make 3 presentations to 3 different people and write a report, and I haven't really seen him much lately anyways.

    But please, do what is right for you, not him. He can take care of himself, and he will get over it, just like you will in time.

    1361408632
    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh and the crush passed. It was a crush, and that's it. Things will get better :) x

    1361412923
    fistinglover69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr Monster wrote:

    @CharlietheDog -

    I'm not going to beat around the bush: you need to sort out your relationship, not your feelings for your friend.

    When you got together with your boyfriend, did you have all your glands surgically removed? No? Then you're going to see guys now and in the future that just make you swoon with lust. You're still human, you still have a healthy sex drive, and trying NOT to be who you are will just crush your spirit AND your relationship leaving you a bitter, resentful husk of the person you are today.

    Still with me? Good.

    If the other people you fancy are making you doubt your relationship, the problem is with your relationship. It's not a question of looking for the "better deal", or jumping ship: either you love the guy and want to be his partner, or you don't. If you don't, why not? What is lacking? Look at yourself: what do you regret? What do you miss? When you get a bit down, and start thinking "I wish . . . " how does that sentence end?

    You say you're young. Perhaps you are just not ready to settle down yet. Right person, wrong time. It happens.
    Perhaps what you've convinced yourself you want out of life is not really matching up with what you NEED. How much of your life plan has been influenced by friends and family's expectations for you? Are you just living to please them? Or really for you?

    What I'm getting from your posts is that you don't feel the way you "ought" to feel. Who decided that standard for you to measure yourself against? There's even a school of thought that says you shouldn't have to choose between partners this way, that with enough emotional security and honest communication you can open up a relationship to other partners, but in truth very few people are able to make this kind of relationship successful.

    My best advice is to be honest and talk to your boyfriend about your feelings, and about the problems you've been having. If you can both work on things, maybe you can recover the enthusiasm you used to have for your relationship. If you can't work through it together, then you need to find out now so that you don't waste your time and energy on something that was never quite right in the first place.

    Good luck

    MrMr

    yes yes yes

    1361473389
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Relationships require work, they are not ready meals that you pop in the microwave when your hungry. :(

    Sorry if that seems dismissive, it is not meant to be.

    1361474945
    CharlieTheDog [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    Relationships require work, they are not ready meals that you pop in the microwave when your hungry. :(

    Sorry if that seems dismissive, it is not meant to be.

    I get exactly what you mean, Noon. To everyone, thanks for your input.

    At the moment I feel like, after whats nearly 5 years, I've worked as hard and as much as I can. I know relationships need work but at the same time, if something needs to be worked at for so long, it's never really going to work anyways.

    I think that I'll have a chat with my boyfriend, and just tell him that I don't feel the same as I used to- it's no ones fault and these things happen. What does he want to do? Does he think a split is a good idea? Does he really see a future for us?

    We never talk about things that are wrong, which is part of the problem. If one of us is upset about something, we usually just get in a mood and then the other one says "whats wrong?" and gets "........nothing" back as a response. I mean, we do talk about it eventually, but not in depth. Its usually just "you (did/said whatever) and it annoyed me....don't worry about it".

    On the whole, our relationship isn't to healthy. We don't see each other much- about 4 nights a week, and when we do it's just the same old routine really.

    Either way, whatever we decide to do, I hope we both learn to communicate more. If we do break up, I would hate to lose him altogether and would hope to stay friends. We have a pet together that neither of us would want to miss out on , soI'm sure it would be ok for us to stay in contact. Here goes nothing..

    1361519456
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Good luck Charlie, talking is best for the long term x

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