• how do I ask my partner to be rougher with me

    KimG88 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 8
    • Joined: 3 Jan 2013

    I've asked my partner to dominate me in the bedroom, I even brough cuffs and blindfolds to encourange him; hes agreed to it but I feel he's holding back I want him to be rougher with me how to I ask him/make him be rougher with me. I think he thinks that because im small and petite he's going to hurt me

    Love my slave [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 68
    • Joined: 22 Dec 2012

    Sometimes when it's rough you can get hurt,but having said that you have to push a little to find out how far is too far and what is just right. Having a safe word is essential, tell him that you want him to be rough and will let him know with the safe word when it's too much,so he knows he wont hurt you( well anymore than you want him to) in time he will know how far he can go and if he is anything like me, enjoy every minute of it. Good luck

    Dastity [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    • Joined: 12 Dec 2012

    Set a safe word! Always. It's important for a couple of reasons, it's a complete and unquestionable instruction to stop... but when you're starting out it also gives confidence to the dominant partner ("he/she hasn't said X yet, so i'm OK").

    Is he naturally dominant? Or are you poking him that way? Just reassure him that you will let him know when something is too much, too painful or not to your taste, and more importantly reassure him that he shouldn't feel guilty for doing this; you asked for it and you enjoy it. When he's a little more comfortable encourage him to explore his own desires too.

    Also have a little patience. It can take time to find each others boundaries. It can also help to plan a 'scene' together. Nothing heavy, nothing big... but sometimes a little planning can help you both get into it. I'm naturally submissive but took on a more dominant role in our sexual relationship recently, and I planned something at Christmas (http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/612770-my-plan-this-christmas-anyone-else-planning/) - complicated 'scenes' rarely happen organically in our relationship, and there's no shame in planning a little bondage/kink in advance, you'll both feel good about it I assure you.

    Finally, and most importantly, talk to each other again. "Rougher" is open to translation. If you like to be tied up, tell him that. Perhaps sit down together and do a Dom/Sub focused YES/NO/MAYBE game? It'll certainly help to find a common ground.

    Ms HKM [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 435
    • Joined: 25 May 2011

    Set the tone yourself. Be rougher with him e.g. kiss harder, scratch his back/dig your nails in, meet his thrusts harder. in the middle of sex ask him to push deeper and you'll probably find that whilst he's mid-scene he'll be less reserved. Ask him to spank you the next time he's behind you and show how grateful you are. Show how much you enjoy it - LEAVE NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND!

    Dastity gave good advice about knowing what 'rougher' means to you both. Do you just want the sex to be more anamalistic or do you want him to slap you in the face and call you a whore? Honest interpretations there - could go either way!

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2295
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    I think the best way my partner learned how rough to be with me was by doing this;

    We had an agreed upon safeword for a while but he never pushed me close, if anything he played gentle too. (Its a worry for a dom that they may go too far)

    So I asked him to slowly push me to the point where I have to use my safeword. I dont mean just jump straight in and beat the hell out of each other I mean slowly building up intensity and keep building until the sub uses the safeword.

    This helps with two issues. One, the Dom will learn the subs limits, in my case when we talked afterwords he told me he didnt realise how much more I could take and he said "wow I have been going too easy on you". It also helps with the problem some subs have about using safewords. Sometimes, they feel that to use their safeword is a sign of weakness. They want to please and to take whatever the Dom has to dish out, sometimes going further than they wanted to because of this issue of seeing the safeword as a weakness. If you have a few sessions where you are made to use your safeword you are both learning a lot. The dom develops so much more confidence, knowing you will use your safeword if needed, you feel comfortable doing so and not like a failure and you both learn how much of different types of pain that you can handle. Which makes play time more fun! :D

    Just an idea, worked for me xx Good luck

    Wild172 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 96
    • Joined: 28 Apr 2010

    Really nice idea Fluffbags :)

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