• I think my husband is being unreasonable

    1357754973
    JJ78 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi everyone,

    I could do with some advise with how to handle my husbands sexual needs.

    I have been married for 10 years now and am becoming tired of my husbands constant sexual needs. I do love him and he is a good husband - always complimenting me, helping with house work, cooking, looking after the kids and he is generaly loving. BUT he is always after sex. We are both busy at work and with the kids at home so I always feel to tired. I think he would have sex every day but I only feel like it about once a month. He knows that I am too tired but STILL sometimes asks me to give him a hand job but I never feel like giving him one which makes him grumpy. When we do have sex he wants to watch me use a dildo which he knows Im not that into but he STILL asks anyway. He is always telling me how sexy he finds me and asking if we can have sex - again he knows that I dont want to but he STILL keeps asking. I dont know what to to do! any advice anyone?!

    1357755263
    ZombieCpl [sign in to see picture]
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    Everyone has different sexual needs and it makes a big part of a relationship. Have you seen this thread: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/618731-sexless-marriage/

    it sounds to me like the male point of view of the problem you are having. Sorry I dont have anything more helpful to add.

    1357756725
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    A common theme for couples in long term relationships, this mismatch of sex drives. I have been there and I think both parties involved have to do some communicating, honestly and openly.

    It is like a war in the end. One person is feeling bitter and unloved and that their spouse doesnt want them anymore, and the other is feeling pressured and objectified and their feelings (Being tired etc) are being ignored.

    One suggestion would be to openly discuss this and try to agree to compromise. You need to tell him how his pressuring makes you feel. (And I bet I am not too wrong in saying that now, whenever you go to bed, your mind is automatically negative thinking. Things like "Ok then lets see what your going to try tonight then" and "I bet I wont get 5 minutes before he is pestering me") He is probably causing you to be more turned off at the moment. I guess you have already told him to quit it, but he needs to really hear this message, the message that this pestering is actually driving you further away from wanting sex at all. Likewise though, he obviously finds you very sexy and you turn him on and he is craving that intimacy with you. After 10 years and children and busy lifes I would take that as a huge compliment.

    I think you need to find a time when you can be alone and have no distractions and come up with compromises. Examples would be you agreeing to put aside time for intimacy a few more times in a month, but in return he needs to stop pestering you every night. Also, even though he helps you equally around the house, you are obviously tired and not in the right mind set for sex at the end of the day. Is there any way you can think of to get the spark back so that sex isnt almost a chore for you? Can anyone take the kids for a weekend here or there? Can you get away together for a break? Can he help more so you are less tired? Is he giving you pleasure in bed or is it all about him? Is there anything you would like to do to make you feel sexy? Half the battle for us women is getting into the right frame of mind. Often we can slip into routines that are just, well, boring and we cant just flip a switch.

    It is always about compromise and communication though and if he makes the effort to stop pestering you and asking you to do things you dont want to do every single night then can you make the effort to be intimate more than once a month? This is something you guys will have to work out together so that you can both be reasonably happy.

    My advice...Communicate and compromise.

    1357756818
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    1.we like sex 2. It's in our nature to want sex 3. It's how we gauge that we are loved.
    We don't get took out on a date or have a candlelit bath run for us. No book or magazine tells women how to look after their man. Plus how can sex go from very regular to non existent. The excuses we hear are tired, the kids will hear and the obligatory headache. Well we to also get tired but for the love of our life perform when asked. We also work our nuts off, don't get to lyin at the weekend either. Have countless task to do also. Yes men can get turned on at the drop of a hat but remember at some point you wanted to ravage us on a daily basis too. This never leaves a man and I too can't understand how it leaves a women. Enjoy life and love and sex before you get to knackered to do it. We are here for a short time and I want it to be a good time;) think of his needs and not just ur own!

    1357757106
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    I also agree with fluff in most cases. But don't think it's up to the bloke just to arrange dates and sort all the good stuff out for you. I massage my wife's feet for example, not once in 15 years has she asked me. It's not that I want my feet massaged its just that it needs to be a 2 way street.

    1357757461
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Stuburns, it can leave a man! lol. I have too high sex drive and I have had this problem, being the one who was pushing for it and the man (2 men actually) eventually getting pissed off with it to be honest. I always make a joke that I must be the only woman to outsex and literally annoy two of my exes because I wanted it more than they did. Being in the receiving end of the rejection hurts, as much as it annoys the other partner, who is being pestered. I dont think I am the only woman really though. I am sure it happens this way round too.

    I came to realise though that in one of those relationships in particular, he was actually just with holding sex as a punishment. He knew the rejection hurt me more than anything else at the time and he decided, rather than be honest with me and tell me what was bothering him (he felt I was not giving 50/50 in the rest of the relationship, specifically I quit my job to try and become self employed, it flopped, I was naive, but rather than tell me he was pissed at my lack of earning or trying (I got depressed and gave up) so he decided to pretend all was fine, but stop having sex or communicating with me.) Well the relationship ended of course but the message is that if someone has dramatically changed from wanting sex with you to barely touching you, think about the rest of the relationship and see if you can work out if something is going on that is just making your partner resent you.

    1357757904
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    No Stu, it is 50/50 I totally agree! I do think that in this day and age it is still expected of the man to do the romancing and the spending and give the massages and the flowers and the chocolates and all the rest. I have heard all the gossip and chit chat women have. "Wow he only took you to nandos! What a cheap skate, dump his ass"

    I think men want to be spoiled and treated and loved and massaged and all the rest, just as much as women. Of course it isnt manly to admit that though. Society says "man be the strong one" The protector, the one who offers security and fixes things. My bloke massages me and plays with my hair and rubs my back when it hurts and when I am sick he runs around after me, I try to make every effort to do exactly that back in return and I do.

    However Stu, I do think the problem here is specifically a 50/50 problem. On one side you have a person pestering for something they want. Even if this wasnt sex it would still be annoying. "Please can you give me..." or "Awww but I really want" (The worst is the sulking when one doesnt get) However I do agree that sex is a very important part of a relationship (I mean look how I felt when I got rejected) and it can come between a couple like nothing else, and really the only thing that can work is effort from both parties. One to stop pestering so much and the other to try and give a little more I guess

    1357758251
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    Percentage wise it's mostly the man who wants the sex.
    I love my wife to bits and I certainly knows she does me and we do have a good sex life. Not as much as I would like but it's very fulfilling none the less but a bloke needs the sex to gauge the love from his wife. Like I said we don't get the bath/massage/taken on a date stuff. I am talking in a sense that every other part of the relationship is fine.
    Sometime as in your circumstance fluff I can feel like you are being denied sex because you haven't put the wallpaper up etc.
    But we all(most of us) enjoyed active sex lives at the start of a relationship and yes that initial sparks doesn't stay but sex doesn't always have to be lovemaking. It should also be fun in an adult playtime sort of way and I think that's where a lot of the problem lies. It doesn't need to be romance all of the time and certainly let yourself go.

    1357758359
    Mistress Morticia [sign in to see picture]
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    Completely agree Fluffbags.

    Life changes our perspective and things affect people in different ways.

    What is not clear in this or the other thread is whether the OP's are offering us the whole picture of just how they think it is. And while I agree with Stuburns about why should it only be women that seem to go off it; there can often be mitigating factors on both sides which maybe quite valid.

    Talking is the best thing. Men in general do need it more often than women and maybe by increasing your time sexually with your hubby you can hit a happy medium which doesn't leave him gagging for it and doesn't leave you feeling it's a dutiful chore.

    1357758629
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    Exactly! Now when I finish this overtime because we are buying a bigger house I need to regrout my bathroom tiles then maybe I will get some. Only kidding but I do have to regrout the tiles for perspective buyers.

    1357759659
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    LOL Stu! Get that grouting done, double time! hehe but no it is not good when sex becomes a bargaining tool and I dont understand how someone could be happy with that, knowing their partner isnt really into having sex, they are just doing it because well, you did mow the lawn today so you deserve a bit. Pfft how is that fun lol.

    I also agree that having to ramance and make love and woo your partner into bed every time is not only exhausting but if you are the partner being romanced, eventually you would feel like "Waitttt a minute, are you only massaging me because you want a blow job later" pfft.

    Sometimes I have been exhausted and really not in the mood at all. Sometimes just pushing through that initial barrier you can have some amazing sex and it really is nice when it is spontaneous and both parties are actually into it.

    One question though, and something I have always wondered about....

    Why is it that someone (Man or woman) would get pleasure from doing sexual things with a partner who clearly isnt interested or not in the mood? Like in this case with the original OP saying he will pester her for a handjob if she says no to sex. How can the receiver enjoy the act knowing his partner isnt? Because I see this a lot.....

    1357759813
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    By the way jj78 it's not your husband cap54 who started the other thread is it?

    1357759817
    maltedmilk [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been through something similar but maybe a worse excuse in a way is that sex was making me feel disgusted because I had depression and had been sexually abused. We ended up breaking up because the pressure was too much for me. Men don't like it if they have erection problems and they are nagged at and in my circumstance it was a similar effect to that as I really was trying to have sex!! When it did happen naturally it was apparently really good. I understand it's a lack of feeling love's but either way nagging won't help and does come across a bit petty. I think he sounds unfair to keep pushing the dildo thing as long as you have definitely told him properly you don't want to. We all make sacrifices for our partners but if something is really upsetting you you shouldn't have to do it. It's your body. Xx

    1357759828
    Dastity [sign in to see picture]
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    Welcome to the forums!

    I don't have kids, but I do have a busy life... I mean who doesn't now? It's the way it is for most, regardless of the cause (kids, work, illness, stress, family, etc). Ultimately there has to be a middle ground between once a month and once a day.

    Talk to each other. It's the only real way to resolve this stuff. Everyone is different.

    If you only fancy it once or twice a month, that's fine; it's your body, your mind and your desires... just please don't forget his needs - it's wired into us. Perhaps you could both talk about about quality rather than quantity. He wants it often and asks you to do kinkier things (the dildo stuff) because he's not fulfilled, but wants to be with fulfilled with you. That's encouraging after 10 years. Perhaps sit down, go over a YES/NO/MAYBE list, find a common set of things you'd like to try, and put aside two nights a month to do them. Do bigger, more interesting and fulfilling stuff and just set expectations that he doesn't get it when he fancies it on a whim, but equally you do want to make improvements.

    Just a suggestion, by no means a solution - you'll only find a solution by talking honestly to each other.

    1357760089
    maltedmilk [sign in to see picture]
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    What's OP? :$

    1357760835
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    OP= Original Poster (I think...99% sure lol)

    1357761514
    maltedmilk [sign in to see picture]
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    Ah thanks fluffbags!


    Auto correct corrections: love's was supposed to be loved and petty was pesty. Xx

    1357762840
    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
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    :( I too am a girl who has broke up with a boy because I wanted sex too much.

    It's very sad. I've also gone off sex when I have an OH whom I was constantly pissed off at. At the end of the day you both need to work on yourselves. Its not fair for him to keep pestering but its not fair for you to keep rejecting him either. Put some time aside to just be together, and to rebuild/heal your relationship.

    1357773904
    bemmyscot [sign in to see picture]
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    I think there has a lot of sence beeing spoken. Sadly I am one of the "unreasonable " men I love my wife, but basically sex is non existant in our house. I would like it on a weekly basis but at best its once every 3 months. Yoy has caress cuddle and continuall rejection does wear you down, Your husbad obviously loves and wants to make love with you in lots of different ways. Dont forget he has sexual needs that he wants to fulldill with you. As long as he doesnt force you. You should at least give it a go.

    Sorry for gripe, but continuall sexual rejection hurts, and it doesnt matter its the girl or the guy thtas asking. Comprimise is everything

    1357775759
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello,

    its not an easy situation for either partner. Desiring partner and being rejected does hurt, emotionally and also into confidence and in some cases it can also hurt in terms of trust towards the other partner in term whether they care and love them. And the other partner can just feel under too much pressure, so he starts to reject even more and can get negative attitute towards the other person or sex.

    I know its hard to find sometimes the balance when there is huge difference between partners desires but the start could be dinners together, shower together, mutual massage, dinner. to create some intimacy between you two. Maybe ask someone to look after the kids for the weekend or few days.

    I know its not easy situation, but being open, willing to discuss it and make some compromises can improve the situation for both of you.

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