• Why cant I just let go?!

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    LPlate [sign in to see picture]
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    After some advice.
    Been with oh since I left school, married 10 years, neither of us been with anyone else, which I love! But I get so embarrassed about sex and dont know why. If I have a drink we have an amazing time, I find it much easier to let go with alcohol and being blindfolded and tied up, like it's not my choice if that makes sense.
    I think I just overthink everything, not very body confident even though he pays me soooo many conpliments, but spontaneous or sober sex I just find really hard and feel so bad for my husband I dont know how to get past this. It's like something in my head jsut gets in the way.Wondering if anyone else was the same and changed, or any advice in general?

    Thank you!

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    [suspended user]

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    break down your barriers, spend more time naked with him, talk to him, dunno what to say really but didnt want this thread to drift off unanswered

    1352390441
    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww honey, I went through a bit of a phase of feeling like that. I've been married 13 years and after many ups and downs feel more confident that ever now but it doesn't happen over night. Feeling good about yourself means making yourself look and feel good.

    I'd suggest buying things to wear that make you feel and look good, and it doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Treat yourself to a new hair doo or make up and don't just put it on when you go out. When other people comment on how nice you look it will make you feel confident for the rest of the day. So when you and your OH get together after work you're already in a good mood and feeling good about your self.

    I hope you find something that works for you, and if all else fails keep a glass of wine handy. Take care :-)

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    Plain Jane [sign in to see picture]
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    Get used to walking around un Oort partly clothed, ask him to gibr you a massage, that's the best thing to break down any barriers in your mind and then just let things take their course

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    LPlate wrote:

    Wondering if anyone else was the same and changed ... ?

    It sounds to me as if you're in a similar place to my wife a few years ago. Neither of us had any experience when we were married, and the main advice that my wife had been given about sex was just to lie back and let her husband do his stuff until he was satisfied. She had never indulged in self-pleasure, she always dressed dowdily, and she was uncomfortable about the idea of taking charge in the bedroom. Sex was still good, but it was a routine that I had to initiate.

    The good news is that things have changed enormously over the last few years, and we're now both having a lot more fun. With gentle encouragement (and some toys from LH), my wife has learnt to enjoy solo play, to explore and express her buried sexual side, and to take the initiative when she feels horny. She has also gained a lot more body confidence (most notably, by having a glamour photo shoot with a professional photographer) and is prepared to show herself off when the opportunity arises. I'm very proud of her.

    It can be done. It may require a lot of little steps over an extended length of time, though.

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    CrimsonVixen [sign in to see picture]
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    try games, they help to break down barriersd and get the both of you talking. maybe have a box that you and your OH can put suggestions in then choose one a night and then do it :P

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    Another thought...

    LPlate wrote:

    I find it much easier to let go with alcohol and being blindfolded and tied up, like it's not my choice if that makes sense.

    It does make sense! I've found this type of approach quite successful with my wife.

    For a long time, when I offered to go down on my wife for oral sex, she would decline my offer and insist that she didn't need "that sort of thing". I sensed, though, that she was giving me the answer that she felt that she was expected to give from her upbringing as a "nice girl".

    It took a while, but I eventually persuaded my wife to let me tie her up. Once she was secured and I had checked that she understood the function of our safeword, I told her that I was going down on her because I knew that she wanted it really. My wife immediately tugged against the restraints, but she didn't use the safeword and, once she had established that she couldn't move, she relaxed again and seemed to settle into a mood of "Oh well... I can't stop this".

    It didn't take long after that for me to have my wife squealing with delight. She made some token complaints about me "corrupting her", but quickly gave that up when I said that I could stop if she wanted me to. We had a great session, and afterwards my wife whispered to me (as if she was worried that someone else would overhear her admission) that she had "liked it".

    I took this as a lesson that, in some circumstances (not all), it's possible to help someone through a mind block by enabling them to believe that they've had their choice and responsibility taken away -- that it's "somebody else's fault". I think it's a positive approach, when applied sensitively and appropriately.

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    wildjezz [sign in to see picture]
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    More sexual talking works also make each other feel very happy about their own bodys.

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    LPlate [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks so much for the replies, cant believe I have admitted it tbh. But I love my husband so much I just want to be fair to him!

    Massages are a good idea, they really help when we were ttc actually!

    Cuddilyhubby I really appreciate your reply, so good to know someone else has been through it and come out the other side, especially from a husbands' perspective.

    I have bought some toys and used one, one I have on my own though am too embarrassed to show him/use with him.

    Have to remind myself I need baby stepos, amybe admitting it here is the first step...

    Thank you all, really appreciate you taking the time to reply x

    1352470943
    Electra [sign in to see picture]
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    What is your confidnece like generally?

    I felt pretty much the same and found it all very awkward, however since taking up rugby (I'm not saying this is for everyone) my confidence in general has boosted and so has my body and sexual confidence, sure I'm still a bit shy at times but it is such a radical difference and I'd put to down to that. I'd not thought of myself as unconfident really but compared to now I was positively a wallflower.

    What I'm trying to say is if you can find something that builds your confidence generally (whatever it is) then, form my expreience it helps everything else too, though that's not to say don't do the above suggestions because they're fun too =)

    xx

    1352472179
    JVWH [sign in to see picture]
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    My OH is exactly the same. Whatever I try does not seem to work:-(

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    Master's Phoenix [sign in to see picture]
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    Lplate,

    I had this problem, but it is much better now. The more I worried about it, and felt the anguish in my hubby, the worse it seemed to be.

    After reaching a certain age I have been much better, whether that was anything to do with it I'm not sure. I am much more open with my hubby. I am very body conscous but getting better about how I look and feel about myself.

    I'm sure that you will overcome this, but it may take some time. Don't pressure / stress yourself too much.

    I would also experiment, like with blindfolding or tying up, you could be surprised how you both react to different stimulations. It may take the edge off your reactions / holding back, to the same effect as alcohol. You want to be having fun and not worrying about how you might react.

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