• We've lost it...

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    I need advice. My boyfriend and I have been pretty busy and stressed lately and we haven't been seeing each other much as a result. For the past couple of weeks I've felt like we just haven't been clicking, like the 'spark' isn't there anymore. He's said to me that he misses me and it's really annoying how busy we both are at the moment, and we agreed to set a date night and stick to it each week. Thats as far as the conversation has really gone, and we can't do the whole date night thing at the moment because we are just so busy.

    I feel like I want to take a break and go back to basics- friends. But at the same time I can't imagine being 'just friends' with him. I don't know what to say to him without basically saying that the spark has gone as I know hearing me say that would hurt him a lot.

    I'm so confused. What the fuck do I do? I feel like I can't be with him and can't be without him at the moment. I miss him when we're apart for more than a day or two, but when we're together he is pretty affectionate, but it can feel like he's smothering me a bit. Ugh I'm in a mess. I don't know what I want.

    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Aw lovely I'm really sorry you're struggling. Relationships are tough and I can completely sympathise with the "can't be with him but can't be without him".

    How long have you been together for?

    You say this has been going on for a couple of weeks? Have you had any doubts before now or is it literally just the last few weeks that have been hard?

    Being stressed and not able to see each other much makes things very hard, but it really sounds like you just need some space. To be honest, a couple of weeks apart will probably do you the world of good. Don't stress yourself setting aside a "date night" that you have to stick to every week. Just go and do something together whne you have time and when you feel like it. Suggest some time apart to focus on your busy lives, get everything in order and just give each other a call every now and then when you have time.

    You can have a little break without actually being on a break, still text and still call, still tell him you love him but just say you would like a bit of time to chill out :) that should help with the feelings that you're being smothered and may help you to gain a little perspective and think about what you really want x

    NickAth [sign in to see picture]
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    if you trust him and you believe you care about the relationship why not to try to understand why the spark isn't there anymore? Do you believe a honest conversation could sort this out?

    Do you believe your relationship is an obstacle to your dreams and your personal life somehow? Are you tired and bored being together? do you need more time for yourself?

    Take your time,relax (if possible) and try not to put any too much pressure on you.

    just a couple of thoughs!

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 23 Jan 2012

    Hi guys. I was very emotional when I wrote this earlier and now that I've calmed down things seem a bit clearer.

    We've been together for 5 years- We've had ups and downs and been through good and bad patches in our relationship. I think the thing is, yeah, I'm a bit bored. There's no surprises anymore. I'm very spontaneous... or I used to be, anyways, but now, since I have started my new job and he has started his new uni course, it's always going to bed early, getting up early, making sure I'm here at this time... such a boring routine. I think thats why things dont seem the same anymore.

    Something that was also brought up by a friend recently was that I've only ever been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, and he's the only person I've had sex with. I didn't think I was bothered at the time, but I think it has been playing on my mind a little bit.

    I like the idea of taking some time apart but I really don't want to hurt him and although I like the idea, it upsets me thinking about actually doing it. Ugh I don't know. I don't want to tell him that I want some time apart if I'm not certain.

    Thanks for replying guys. x

    LauraP [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 10 Oct 2010

    It could just be stress, you've got a hell of a lot going on at the moment and life is never easy. Some people are really lucky and meet the right person for them without having to go through all the wrong ones first. Just because you might have lucked out doesn't mean you're missing out on experiencing other relationships. Honestly you've missed out on a lot of heart break and pain with good bits inbetween. In the end its your life and your decision. If this is a reason to end it do it. If not build from the base again. Remember why you fell for each other in the first place and ignore the mccoys of this world.

    mccoy wrote:

    sounds like you need to move on you seem to be looking for a reason to stop. % years is a long time when you are young. you have think about the next 20

    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 19 Aug 2010

    QueenC wrote:

    I'm a bit bored. ... since I have started my new job and he has started his new uni course, it's always going to bed early, getting up early, making sure I'm here at this time... such a boring routine. I think thats why things dont seem the same anymore.

    Are you sure this is about your boyfriend? TBH, it sounds more like you're frustrated with the current state of your life.

    Unless you're intending to go into a field with unusual hours, you may as well start finding ways to work with the early bed, early rise, make sure you're somewhere on time routine. You likely have a good few years of that ahead of you.

    Where can you incorporate spontaneity into your current routine?

    Littlelou [sign in to see picture]
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    Aw i'm so sorry to hear this.

    Me and my OH have been together 3 years and our situations are almost identical in the sense that he started a Uni course and I started a new training scheme at my work so I hardly ever got to see him. When one of us got a lie in, the other would be up at the crack of dawn and then vise versa! He is my first proper boyfriend so i can compltely understand the idea of cant live with him, cant live with out him scineareo. Things DID get easier, sa he and I relaxed into our new surroundings with uni/job.

    Now he is in his final year at uni and the workload is piling up again and I have an evening job we have a agreed to only see spend time with eachother on week-ends which is such a shock to me from seeing him everyday.

    However, the difference is, I still get butterflies when I do see him on the rarity and really know that having the option of hope to see him once a week or to not see him at all is something I can't do.

    My advice to you is to maybe wait a while to see (like in my case) that things get better and more relaxed because it sounds like the stresses of life are causing the problems, not eachother. Even a phonecall to catch up or skype ?

    But if not, i know it's hard but if your relationship is putting that much added stress in your life, then its not good for you. He may be a little hurt and although 5 years is a long time, it doesn't have to be the only relatioship. I know people that have been together 7+ years and broken up and are now happily married with someone new.

    I really hope you resolve this hon, good luck and keep us posted. xxx

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 23 Jan 2012

    Hi guys, thanks for all your advice.

    When I wrote this thread, I had just got home from my boyfriends house after he had left for work, and while I was with him, I was bored- we hardly talked the whole time I was there and when he did try to cuddle up to me, I felt completely smothered.(I realised later it's the second day of my period- classic moody bitch time for me!). When I got home, he called me to say he had a problem with his laptop, and could I please go down and take him some bits and bobs so he could fix it. Straight away I said yes, I would be there ASAP, even though I was in a shit mood and was just getting ready for bed. It's just under an hours drive from my house to his work, and when I got there, I gave him what he needed and left straight away. On my drive home, I realised how grateful he was of me being there for him, and how much he appreciates these little things that I do for him without a second thought. I also realised that I would do anything for him- I just went on a 2 hour round trip at 10pm just so he wasn't bored in work.

    Anyways, feeling more confused, I had a very emotional night, and finally broke down while we were chatting online and told him what was on my mind.

    I told him that I'd been really stressed lately, as he knows, and said I was sorry that I couldn't spend much time with him. He said he was really frustrated and wished we could spend more time together, but it wouldn't last for long- his uni course ends in April but after Christmas the workload is less- and I'm currently training in a new job which is an hours drive away, and the training hours are full time, whereas in a couple of weeks I'll only be part time. Plus, he still lives at home with his dad, and I live some of the time with him, and some of the time with my mum, which feels like I'm living out of a suitcase. Living with parents is stressful enough in itself. I asked him if he thinks we need time apart and take things slowly for a while. He said no, thats not what he wants at all. We had a massive heart to heart about everything that was going on with us at the moment- we both tend to bottle things up as not to worry the other one, but this really hasn't been helping.

    It ended with him telling me that everything will be ok soon, he promises- we've been through worse, we can get through this.

    I think the problem is with me, not the relationship. The stresses of our current lifestyles has put massive pressure on both of us and we as a couple are suffering because of it. So, yeah. We're going to stick it out. I've been looking for a flat of my own, so when I get my own space away from our parents, and also closer to work for me/his uni, I think things will be much better anyways- he asked if I would mind if he stayed there with me "but if not it's ok! I don't want to move in uninvited...". Of course I said yes, I assumed he would be coming with me anyways. So things are looking good at the moment. Instead of focussing on the negatives and what is annoying me at the moment- the lack of privacy, not seeing each other a lot, work stresses, etc-, I'm feeling very grateful for the things that we do have- we both have a home, we both have a job, we know that we would do anything for one another, and we still have each other despute what we have had to go through in the past.

    So I'm feeling very happy today indeed. Thanks for all the advice guys. Really appreciate it. xx

    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh that's wonderful.

    Men who have their shit together emotionally are worth their weight in Lelos. Sounds like yours is doing quite well with that. Good on both of you.

    Thanks for sharing your love story. x


    [suspended user]

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    Glad to see you found it QC

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