• What do you do when...

    1351373047
    clarion [sign in to see picture]
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    What do you do when you have something you want in the bedroom but your partner is just not into it.

    It could be anything tame or adventurous - oral sex, foot fettish, crossdressing, lingerie, bdsm etc...

    You've discussed it, explained how its important to you, tried to encourage it etc but shes just not buying it.

    Do you acccept that they aren't into it and move on?

    ... Or do you find that it plays away on your mind and possibly result in you doing something silly like an affair?

    We have a good sex life but a few little unfulfilled kinks are really eating away at me and Im not sure how to put it right.

    1351380692
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    Hm, I know for a fact I would never be tempted to do something like have an affair over a dispute in a sex act.. or anything for that matter. If anything, I'd discuss it with my partner.. and if it's that important to weigh out our relationship. For example- if he was neglecting my needs.

    Otherwise when it comes to "kinks" we're pretty much quite open and will try something once to get a feel for whether we'd like it or not. However, things like anal, we're not interested in. If my partner wanted to do this- I'd decline but be willing to let him experiment in this area alone.

    I think since you have gone through all those steps in discussing with your partner about these "kinks", to try experimenting yourself if you can, alone? Also, were her reasons to not go ahead with the acts because of something reasonable or is she not open to any of this purely because she says so, if that makes sense? For example I can give a list of things I wouldn't be willing to do because it's something I'm 100% not in to- whereas with other things I'm willing to try at least once to satisfy my partner.

    Some people may just not be in to some things. I find that Lovehoney do supply quite a range of items to fulfil certains "kinks". At the end of the day- are you willing to risk your relationship for a couple of unfulfilled fantasies/acts especially by looking elsewhere (cheating)?

    Hope that made sense and helped.

    1351380896
    astral [sign in to see picture]
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    It's like any other aspect of the relationship. Say, for example, I wanted to move to India and she said no. Do I break up with her and follow that life path [going to India] alone? Or do I decide that the path I want to take is whichever path she is on, and stay in the UK? There is no right answer of what to do in that situation. Both choices gain something and lose something else. It's a matter of deciding which has more value to me.

    It's not against the law to have an affair. Again there's no "right" answer there, but in my opinion it is a terribly dishonest thing to do. If you have an affair, in my book, you're admitting that your relationship is broken. If you can fix it, you should have fixed it before the affair. If you can't fix it, you should have broken up before sleeping with someone else so you didn't hurt your (current) girlfriend. On the other hand there are societies where polygamous relationships are encouraged and I'm not going to sit here and say I'm more right than somebody else based on where we live. As I said, no right answer.

    1) So since you're asking me, I'd say "no" to an affair straight off.
    2) I'd also suggest that you ask yourself whether they're "a few little unfulfilled" kinks, when you also say "it's important to you, tried to encourage it".
    3) Like so many other things in a relationship, the answer to (2) determines whether you think that this is a compromise you can make or not. And only you can make that call.

    Of course no couple is 100% compatible with all their interests in any aspect of life, including the bedroom, but some people still make it work - and others do say "I can't do this any more". It's worth remembering that.

    PS:

    One thing that really gets me about your post is "shes just not buying it". I mean really? Perhaps you didn't mean it to have this tone but it comes off as you saying that you should be able to "sell" her the idea. A better way of looking at it is that she has her own mind, and she is either "into" it or not. Nothing to do with selling/buying.

    1351383914
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Really it depends on how kinky the thing is that you want to do, how openminded your partner is and how sexually open you are with one another.

    I hadn't been with my boyfriend really long but I was reading 50 Shades and quite intruiged by the idea of him tying me up...

    First off, introduce it slowly don't just dive straight in! When we were in bed playing I'd pin him down or grasp his wrists in a teasing way.. he got the hint that it was what I wanted him to do.

    Talk about the thing you want to try when you're talking dirty.. either face to face or texting. And most importantly, talk about it openly! We talked a lot about him tying me up during text sessions and one day when we'd had a few drinks and I told it to him straight "I want you to tie me up and fuck me".

    But ultimately, if he wasn't into it then I'd just have to get over it. I wouldn't seek an affair to satisfy that need. You can fantasise about it whilst masturbating, watch porn with the fetish in... it's important to respect the wishes of your partner x

    1351390303
    clarion [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the responses.

    It is very tame. I'm into shoes/heels and a bit of a foot fetish.

    I do watch porn and try to indulge it on my own, but it's not enough.

    I've done that for years but now I really wish I could enjoy it with my partner and have a 100% satisfied sex life with her instead of a 99% one.

    I know people have different desires etc and we can't have everything our way. Pushing her into anything would defeat the purpose.

    However, going year after year without indulging something you really want requires a herculean effort and I think there's always a risk that your will could crumble and you go in search of whatever you want elsewhere.

    1351416053
    Heatseekher [sign in to see picture]
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    they way i see this is for example......

    my wife isn't a fan of beef/lamb, do i cajole her and push her to eat something she clearly doesn't like? she doesnt like watching many progs on the telly that i do - and vice versa......reality is that our partners are not our personal clones dressed with boobs or a cock, we all have our own desires, likes, interests and that applies to everything from music tastes to bedroom activities.

    Have an affair to find fulfillment? err no - not if one has a sense of decency and morals: Leave a partner if the situation is THAT important to fulfill, well that's a personal choice. I discussed with my OH that i would be going to things without her if those weren't her thing: concerts, cinema whatever but nothing that is anywhere near 'the line' of cheating/seeing another.

    The line between vanilla sex, kink, fetish isn't solid but blurred - and i'm sure that many acts when talked about in teh cold light of day would seem unappealing - ''err what i'd like to do is to wire you up to an electric box and electric current through your 'bits''......there are always going to be kinks/acts that seem appealing to one partner because he/she has 'researched', viewed and fantasised about doing those things - whereas the other is blissfully unaware. So the trick is learning to communicate without thrusting an idea forecfully into the domain.......with one's own understanding that some things just won't appeal and may not get tried. Repeatedly referring to 'something' is more likely to build a wedge and cause friction.

    sometimes there can be a chance of introducing an idea indirectly '3rd party'....and can be a good way to initiate a conversation@: '' i was reading', 'i saw, have you heard, .......coupled if there's a negative reaction with a few open questions....'out of interest why don't you like the idea', what do you think......etc....

    like in many aspects of being married/partnered up its a question of communication, negotiation and compromise.......

    1351431394
    Jesticulated [sign in to see picture]
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    I'll give you a view from someone who has been cheated on (not physically) by a partner who didn't feel his fetish was being completly fullfilled.

    Our relationship will never be the same again, I will never fully trust him again, and that fetish I just trying out, and toying with for him. Suddenly became totally out of bounds. I can't bring myself to do it again for him anymore. I know it's a little different, as I was willing to try, but I was pretty reluctant, and it took me a while to get to the place where I would try it for him.

    Your partner may or may not come around to your fetish, she especially might if you don't push the idea, but she won't if you cheat and she finds out, sure, she might stay. Like I did, but you can kiss her trust goodbye. And I doubt she will ever consider having anything to do with the fetish ever again.

    Worth condiering it from that point of view.

    1351435298
    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    The way I see this, you're basically considering cheating on your partner because you can't have your own way.

    I know you say it's important to you, but if a fetish that you want to try is more important than your partner then maybe it's time you had a serious look at the relationship anyways.

    My boyfriend and I were together for a year, then he moved away for 2 years and now he is back home again. During our long distance relationship we would see each other every other Friday night, and those nights he spent with me, I would practically beg him for what I wanted to indulge in at the time. He said it wasn't his thing, and got really fed up of me asking, so I dropped it. It formed a sort of block between us- I wanted something, he didn't and neither one could see each others point of view. I was considering calling the whole relationship off, as a friend of a friend had been told (by my lovely, gossip spreading friend...) that I was interested in this thing, and he was also interested in it, so we should hook up for some no-strings-attached sex. He was absolutely gorgeous and I actually had a crush on him at the time anyways. I thought long and hard about it, and decided that my boyfriend was worth more than a stupid fling. My boyfriend later told me that he had been thinking about it and he would try what I wanted-once. If it wasn't for him then that was it, but because I hadn't been on at him about it then he had time to analyse it by himself.

    Have a loooong think. Is your foot fetish more important than your girlfriend? If yes, then she deserves someone better, in my opinion...

    1351443947

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    nothing sexual is so important that its worth a break up

    1351446536
    Hen Night Toad [sign in to see picture]
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    gunther wrote:

    nothing sexual is so important that its worth a break up

    What about if you couldnt have sex? That would be something sexual. Sorry but I think its more complicated than you suppose.

    1351447099
    astral [sign in to see picture]
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    If you have an affair, in my book, you're admitting that your relationship is broken. If you can fix it, you should have fixed it before the affair. If you can't fix it, you should have broken up before sleeping with someone else so you didn't hurt your (current) girlfriend

    I'm going to repeat myself here because if there's only one thing I said that the OP listens to, I hope it's this

    1351448350
    LauraP [sign in to see picture]
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    Someone very smart once told me sex was 10% of a good relationship and 90% of a bad one. If you're 99% satisified but would consider having an affair then maybe you need to reconsider your priorities.

    1351454451

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    Hen Night Toad wrote:

    gunther wrote:

    nothing sexual is so important that its worth a break up

    What about if you couldnt have sex? That would be something sexual. Sorry but I think its more complicated than you suppose.

    That possibility faces every long term relationship, couples find a way to cope. after 30 years many of which we couldnt have sex because we wernt together (I was/am working away) I think and hope we would find a solution. like when she was pregnant or I had had my vasectomy.

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    morefun [sign in to see picture]
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    clarion wrote:

    Thanks for the responses.

    It is very tame. I'm into shoes/heels and a bit of a foot fetish.

    I do watch porn and try to indulge it on my own, but it's not enough.

    I've done that for years but now I really wish I could enjoy it with my partner and have a 100% satisfied sex life with her instead of a 99% one.

    I know people have different desires etc and we can't have everything our way. Pushing her into anything would defeat the purpose.

    However, going year after year without indulging something you really want requires a herculean effort and I think there's always a risk that your will could crumble and you go in search of whatever you want elsewhere.

    Well if my sex life was 99% good then theres not a cat in hells chance i would risk jepordising it for one fantasy. Of course the rest of ur relationship other than sex could be 99% bad in which case just leave rather than hurt her even more badly by cheating.

    I want to try a number of things my bf had no interest in but that would never break us up. Now we cannot have sex at all and believe me that is very very very hard on me because I have a really high sex drive but I love him enough not to turn elsewhere....

    If your sex life is 99% good then you are probably doing alot better than 99.9% of people are.... do you really want to ruin something good for a fetish that might ruin everything and more likely than not be completely irreplaceable?

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    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Try thinking about bare feet as her 'kink'. And just as valid as yours.

    Agree with the other comments about 99% being something to be cherished and appreciated.

    1351497674

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    I have all sorts of fantasies which if ever we tried them would probably not be very good, better that they remain fantasies I think.

    1351512651

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    one other thing to bear in mind that many women HATE feet...its a woman thing lol

    1351513484
    DNhoneyrider [sign in to see picture]
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    My boyfriend has a foot fetish and i don't really.. but i think it's a fetish you can enjoy even if you're not particularly into it, what woman doesn't love a foot massage? having your feet licked feels nice too if you're not ticklish, maybe you could subtly add some feet stuff into your everyday sex life?

    Everyone else has said that the OP shouldn't try it with her, but it's not like he's into blood play? you can ease people into feet gently.. that's what my boyfriend did, now it's footworship 24/7, hehe..

    Anyway, TALK to your other half about it if it bothers you that much, don't just cheat on her because you're not getting what you want, ...don't ask don't get.

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    Sexpert Rebecca Dakin [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there, would you be willing to share what this feitish is? Some of the ones you mention are considered quite hard core and so my advice would be different depending on how extreme your kink is... I'd like to help so if you're willing to share I can better advise :)

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    LauraP [sign in to see picture]
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    clarion wrote:

    Thanks for the responses.

    It is very tame. I'm into shoes/heels and a bit of a foot fetish.

    I do watch porn and try to indulge it on my own, but it's not enough.

    I've done that for years but now I really wish I could enjoy it with my partner and have a 100% satisfied sex life with her instead of a 99% one.

    I know people have different desires etc and we can't have everything our way. Pushing her into anything would defeat the purpose.

    However, going year after year without indulging something you really want requires a herculean effort and I think there's always a risk that your will could crumble and you go in search of whatever you want elsewhere.

    Sexpert Rebecca Dakin wrote:

    Hi there, would you be willing to share what this feitish is? Some of the ones you mention are considered quite hard core and so my advice would be different depending on how extreme your kink is... I'd like to help so if you're willing to share I can better advise :)

    Read the entire thread, he's already mentioned he has a foot fetish his partner isn't into. Its a relationship issue rather than purely a sex issue. He's 99% satisfied but is considering an affair.

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