• Dads in the delivery room, good or bad?

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    Just found this about negative effects of fathers watching their children being born.

    http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/dads-birth-230000571.html

    Our daughter was a forceps delivery and a bit (very) traumatic but no long term effects. Any one have any thoughts?

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    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    Hm, I can understand difference in opinions here but personally I would want my partner there with me. Sure it won't be pretty- but at the end of the day it's to do with us both and it's a very special time.

    I think I'd be a little embarassed about it but would want him there with me throughout (even more so if it is traumatic- I'm not going through the trauma alone, damnit!). I guess it might have something to do with the fact that I talk to him about everything even "sensitive" woman issues etc. We're best friends as well as lovers/soulmates.

    My OH already had a child before and was present then- and has mentioned that he'd want to be there for ours. That's perfectly fine with me and is what I'd want.

    The article itself is a little sad to read about the one guy feeling different towards his partner.. I have heard of men/dads feeling a bit more sensitive about their wife after experiencing it but can't believe that it would fundamentally change everything... and lead to a break up. Atleast they tried counselling.. I can see how it can be traumatic but I guess but it's difficult for me to see how it can change the dynamics so much so and for so long. I guess the partners should be prepared for the worst.

    Men shouldn't be forced and it should be discussed prior to the event. Sometimes it works out better for everyone involved for the mother to be there instead of the dad BUT dads should be asked initially and have priority here. It's still a couple's decision though.

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    yummy mummy91 [sign in to see picture]
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    my oh was present for both of our boys being born cuz i wanted him there an he wanted to be an will be when we have any more

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    robin [sign in to see picture]
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    I was there with the bith of both my boys and don't regret it

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    This is hugely individual! I mean what can be ok for one pair is not going to be ok for another.

    I know I certainly dont want my partner there if I will ever give birth, even if he would want to be present. I know he would be just a distracting force and I certainly do not want him to see me like that, plus if I was not handling it ok, I know I would probably swear and promise to kill him for getting me in that situation. I would be ok with a female friend, my sister or mother. But never my partner. Partly because I do view giving birth basically as a female thing. I dont judge anyone who chooses to have partner there, of course, just I would make it clear he would not be with me during that process.

    And yes, some men will loose interest in woman sexually after seeing her give birth, thats a fact. Yes, lot of men will be ok and will have no lasting issues afterwards. personally think, that pair should discuss this. And if the guy have any doubts he would handle it, I think the woman should not press on him to be there. As that could lead to some problems between partners.But as I said, this is hugely personal decision and there is no right and wrong answer.

    Nymeria: it can lead to break up.In some cases, the guy looses competely interest in the woman sexually. Not always this can be sorted.although the pair tries.

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    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh, I agree with you about discussing those issues, Laveila. I just think it's disappointing when it leads to break ups. That's why it should be talked about in the first place. I understand some dads will not be prepared for it but it should be thought about carefully.

    I guess I don't have an issue with it personally, with my partner having experiencing it before. I know I would personally want him there regardless of his experience- obviously if he wants to too.

    I also agree about there being no pressure from both sides with all concerns being talked about.

    Laveila- how would you respond if your partner is adamant that he wants to be there? I can understand it being somewhat a "female" thing.. but perhaps I'm more flippant about those issues with my partner that I don't see it that way personally. (by the way not asking in a defensive way, just curious)

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    My OH had a heart rate of 180 and our daughter 220....not a situation that lasts long. I was congratulated (via my wife) for not fainting or hitting someone which is what many men do. Additionally my sis in law had a haemorrage and had to be transferred to another hospital, she lost 8 pints of blood on the way, they were on the last bag when she arrived in Scarborough. From memory there was never any discussion about the grim and rare possibilities.

    Alls fine now both my wife and I and my brother and his wife are still together.

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    If I wasnt there she wouldnt know what had happened she can hardly remember a thing, and much of it I wouldnt even tell her.

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Nymeria wrote:

    Oh, I agree with you about discussing those issues, Laveila. I just think it's disappointing when it leads to break ups. That's why it should be talked about in the first place. I understand some dads will not be prepared for it but it should be thought about carefully.

    I guess I don't have an issue with it personally, with my partner having experiencing it before. I know I would personally want him there regardless of his experience- obviously if he wants to too.

    I also agree about there being no pressure from both sides with all concerns being talked about.

    Laveila- how would you respond if your partner is adamant that he wants to be there? I can understand it being somewhat a "female" thing.. but perhaps I'm more flippant about those issues with my partner that I don't see it that way personally. (by the way not asking in a defensive way, just curious)

    If your partner knows he can handle it, than its ok. I mean, its hugely personal thing. I see it as female thing but I do ackwledge other women see it differently and thats ok. This is my view and this is how i would go about it in my life. others can do it differently.

    Honestly, I would make clear I dont want it. It works both ways. If the guy does not want to be there, he should not be pushed into it by his partner. if the woman does not want her partner there, the partner should not push her into it. Like some guys cannot handle the moment and have lasting issues, I heard women confesing that their partner insisted and talked them into the presence. He was handling it ok, but those women had increased stress during childbirth. Which actually made it more difficult for them.

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    If your partner knows he can handle it, than its ok.

    Dont think any one knows what they can handle when a partner is involved.

    As an aside my OH flatly refused to accompany me for my vasectomy lol

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    gunther wrote:

    If your partner knows he can handle it, than its ok.

    Dont think any one knows what they can handle when a partner is involved.

    As an aside my OH flatly refused to accompany me for my vasectomy lol

    Well... ok, he may not know it, but he is far more likely to know he will likely handle it. There are always some indications. But generally, if a guy saw one childbirth, he is most likely to handle another one. Unless something goes very wrong.

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    NickAth [sign in to see picture]
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    I would not miss the opportunity to attend and see this miracle of life with my own eyes. Especially after my motorcycle accident, I am definitely convienced that I can handle it^^

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    Laveila its the things going wrong I am talking about, i had seen a lot of gore including a fatal accident, i still felt decidedly dizzy and was in a state of shock after. glad I was there though.

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    gunther wrote:

    Laveila its the things going wrong I am talking about, i had seen a lot of gore including a fatal accident, i still felt decidedly dizzy and was in a state of shock after. glad I was there though.

    Gunther, yes I know, but in that case the guy always has the option to leave if he thinks he cannot handle it. And luckily most childbirths do not go that wrong. I am sorry for your experience. But better not think about those luckily few really bad, almost fatal cases.

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    Laveila wrote:

    Gunther, yes I know, but in that case the guy always has the option to leave if he thinks he cannot handle it. And luckily most childbirths do not go that wrong. I am sorry for your experience. But better not think about those luckily few really bad, almost fatal cases.

    My wife has said she was glad I was there, so thats that sorted, from my point of view, as difficult as it was I could live with myself if the worst happened and I was on the other side of the door or worse had walked out. It wasnt what I imagined beforehand but was an equally bonding experience for us as a normal happy birth.

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    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    I believe that it is very important for the Father to be there at the birth. It's all part of the transition from being a man to a Father.

    I know some guys can't stand the thought of it, and if the couple agrees for him not to be there then that's okay for them. But in my opinion, seeing their wife/girlfriend/partner go through all of that and seeing their strength is amazing and essential. They need to see how tough it is. Women just bring out this inner strength when they give birth and it is totally amazing.

    This woman is no longer just their partner, she's the mother of their child. It changes everything and being there at the birth to support her and see their baby come into the world is the best way to prepare them for the sleepless nights, the leaking boobs, the crazy hormones and the incredibly powerful love that they feel for their child.

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    TTurtle [sign in to see picture]
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    I wouldn't have missed it for anything..I nearly did, I arrived 5 minutes before my son was born but I am so glad I was there, best moment of my life bar *none* ..cutting the cord was a bit icky but it's not left any emotional scars ;)

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    Chamelian [sign in to see picture]
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    OHHH way bad but that's personal experience and lack of understanding my partners knowledge and it was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage and put a huge strain on my son's relationship with his dad as we weren't on the same page!!! I think it is very hard for someone to watch someone they love go thru such pain and they wish they could take it away.

    I have heard since that some professionals believe that the women feeels freer to yell when not with the partner. I had a fairly easy natural birth and i felt - and made sure that I was in control the whole time - not pushing on contractions that didn't feel right and only a 5 hour labour for my only son - unfortunately I moved location during pregnancy and antenatal classses didn't start til after I left the south and were due to run after my delivery date in the the north - my attitude was that if young girls ( sad I know) can do this alone, classses were irrelevant - to me it was all fine - lots of gutteral loan moans and being stubborn but I had my husband there - It wasn't til it was over that I heard him say to the midwife "that was like watching torture" and I looked up and he was green followed by he thought IT came out the size of a puppy!! Wish he'd had a class!!!!. He got home after to my mum's and she asked sooo? meaning granddaughter or son and he just said "that was the worst day of my life!" He was angry with me that I had forgiven my child for the pain and refused to even acknowledge him for about 3 weeks!! 4 years on his young g/f had hideous complications with the birth of his second child and he text me to say how stoic she was!! Things ok with his son now but clearly he adores his daughter - so glad I could help his understanding of birth and that he could be there for his g/f and daughter, and really am but do feel hard done by for my son - rightly or wrongly x

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    Chamelian [sign in to see picture]
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    TTurtle wrote:

    I wouldn't have missed it for anything..I nearly did, I arrived 5 minutes before my son was born but I am so glad I was there, best moment of my life bar *none* ..cutting the cord was a bit icky but it's not left any emotional scars ;)

    Guess it depends on the man and so glad it was positive, icky at that point fine it gets you used to the ick that little one produce frequently.

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    Chamelian [sign in to see picture]
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    Laveila wrote:

    This is hugely individual! I mean what can be ok for one pair is not going to be ok for another.

    I know I certainly dont want my partner there if I will ever give birth, even if he would want to be present. I know he would be just a distracting force and I certainly do not want him to see me like that, plus if I was not handling it ok, I know I would probably swear and promise to kill him for getting me in that situation. I would be ok with a female friend, my sister or mother. But never my partner. Partly because I do view giving birth basically as a female thing. I dont judge anyone who chooses to have partner there, of course, just I would make it clear he would not be with me during that process.

    And yes, some men will loose interest in woman sexually after seeing her give birth, thats a fact. Yes, lot of men will be ok and will have no lasting issues afterwards. personally think, that pair should discuss this. And if the guy have any doubts he would handle it, I think the woman should not press on him to be there. As that could lead to some problems between partners.But as I said, this is hugely personal decision and there is no right and wrong answer.

    Nymeria: it can lead to break up.In some cases, the guy looses competely interest in the woman sexually. Not always this can be sorted.although the pair tries.

    soo right please please discuss it first don't just assume as I made that mistake x

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