• Lost sex drive/desire...please help?!

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    Bertie831 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ive been with my boyfriend for just over four years, i still fancy him and love him, but i have no desire to have sex anymore!

    It was great at the start of our relationship but over the past year it has started to go down hill, to maybe sex once a month or two months which is really dishearting for my bf.

    We did have our own flat just over a year ago, but due to financial reasons we both moved in with my parents in the attic room which isnt helping our situation as i know you can hear everything if your downstairs!

    Can anyone help ASAP?! x

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    RandyMuppet [sign in to see picture]
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    The pressures of life have an affect on peoples sex drives its perfectly normal that after a difficult time, financial pressure and lack of privacy that your sex drive has cooled off a bit.

    First step is that you've recognised its an issue for your relationship. some guys are happy with once every few months, many are not. It sounds like you're not too happy about it either - not just because of your bf.

    Have you thought about why you're not having sex? Are you turning him down, is it that neither of you makes a move? Something else?

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    kate91 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think RandyMuppet is right - at least you have acknowledged this as a problem. It can be difficult when you know other people may overhear you.....however, if you both want sex you need to figure out a time when it is convenient for both of you and use this as a build up to the actual event.

    If you know there is going to be a time when you will be alone, then you need to 'make a date' so that sex can happen on this day. The build up is often a really good way of enjoying time with one another again. Way back when I had to live with my parents - again like you for financial reasons - and the pressure of feeling like a child again (living with mum and dad) and not having enough time together was awful. I remember (and my husband reminds me sometimes) that we didn't have sex for a year as a result. Once we realised this was a huge problem we started 'date nights' when I knew nobody would be home so we would have the place to ourselves. We would make a big thing of it and build up to the actual event. Somehow after a few months of this, I found it not so uncomfortable to have sex even when my parents were there. We had to learn the art of being really quiet though......

    Anyway, 15 years on and we are still together and we do still remind each other of when times were hard and we had to live at home. It helps us see things aren't so bad now and I wish someone would have told me back then that things would get better....they really do get better but you have to work at it.

    Sorry, just realised this is a huge post. Sorry, but hope it helps somehow xx

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    what the others said......living with parents is a passion killer, reminds me of the movie "the family way"

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    kate91 [sign in to see picture]
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    gunther wrote:

    what the others said......living with parents is a passion killer, reminds me of the movie "the family way"

    God yeah, it was a passion killer I can tell you. I feel for anyone who isn't able to get their own privacy. Sex is such a huge part of a relationship and if that goes, there is defo trouble ahead :-(

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    kate91 [sign in to see picture]
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    Email me Bertie, I would be happy to help you through it via messages. Am a good listener and spent 5 years working at Relate if that helps!

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    chat still works Kate (despite reports to the contrary)

    Money difficulties and living at home affect both men and womens esteem and sex drive.

    2 years out of work didnt do mine much good lol

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    kate91 [sign in to see picture]
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    gunther wrote:

    chat still works Kate (despite reports to the contrary)

    Money difficulties and living at home affect both men and womens esteem and sex drive.

    2 years out of work didnt do mine much good lol

    I can imagine. It's bloody hard work keeping a relationship together when you have tough times. I guess it's one way of figuring out if someone is a keeper though x

    P.S. What's the chat thing you're on about? The little box in the corner?

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    add bertie as a friend .....in the box on the left "add as a friend" when you are both on line they will show up. Make sure your status is "available" though thats the circular icon bottom right

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    Bertie831 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for the messages everyone, its nice to know im not the only one thats been in this situation as its really getting me down

    We have a very strong relationship & have been through so much in the 4 years we've been together, from him being made redudant, then given a promotion to be made redudant again, i went to university so that was a massive stress both academic & financial, then we moved out & had to move back with my parents. & now were struggling to save for our own place as i've recently graduated from uni & can only find part time temp work! So i dont think the stress is helping.

    Privacy is a massive issue for us, my dad works from home & my mum works part time & we both work shifts, sometimes passing in the night!

    He always makes the first move, & its always the same & then i know whats coming & we have to be really quiet. We try & be more spontaneous but it just never happens, & i've told him what turns me on, but tbh i don't even know what turns me on anymore, because we've tried it all over the last year!

    Its his bday this weekend & were staying in a hotel (as always which i usually cant wait for) & im hoping its not the same old....but i dont know what i enjoy anymore?! We've got lots of toys & lingerie which needs to be dusted off....maybe we should go back to basics...? xx

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    la83 [sign in to see picture]
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    Know how you feel, we were with the inlaws when we were first married, so hard. Then we had children and very rarely get the house to ourselves. We have just got back into sex and I don't care now if they are in the house 18yrs, 26yrs and 28yrs. We put the radio on and get on with it though I do try to not be so noisy as the walls of the house are thin. It would be nice to let go. 50 shades got my libido back but I am a serious daydreamer so that is probably why they have worked with me.

    Hope you find a solution.

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    yummy mummy91 [sign in to see picture]
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    try not to put yourself under pressure an as for your hotel visit maybe just try an enjoy some intermacy without the pressure of it leading to sex but if it does then great

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    Bertie831 [sign in to see picture]
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    50 shades was amazing for my libido that was the last time we had sex when they came out, unfortunately i read them within two months...maybe i should get reading them again?! But then i think i should want to have sex with my bf without reading a book, i want to get back to the way we were when we had no stresses & just had a laugh without any pressure!

    Yeah yummymummy thats whats on the back on my mind, ive been ill the last few days & he keeps reminding me to take my pill (which is obv good) & saying i need to get my lingerie back out for the weekend, so im under pressure already to live up to his expectations xx

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    yummy mummy91 [sign in to see picture]
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    maybe have a chat with him im sure he wouldnt want you to feel pressured into anything

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    Bertie831 [sign in to see picture]
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    He knows how i feel about sex & he would never pressure me but its our one opportunity for privacy & his birthday weekend, i want to make him happy xx

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    yummy mummy91 [sign in to see picture]
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    yeah i totally understand that just try an relax an just enjoy being intermate an see were it goes

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    la83 [sign in to see picture]
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    One word of warning put a do not disturb sign on the door, we went away for our anniversary and the landlady was going to come in, we could hear her keys and she wanted to give us clean towels, but she took some telling, when we told her to leave them by the door. Spoiled the moment.

    As yummymummy said just being intimate with each other will give you that special time together and could lead to more. Enjoy.

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    I would say having to go back home would be a major downer on any couple. On a more positive not, the two yearts we had struggling defined our relationship, stick together through thick and thin even if you are living on love and hope.

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    Midnightlou [sign in to see picture]
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    Naughty messages and mini tasks.

    You could buy a remote vibe to build up the passion pre-intercourse, having it in and on in public can be a really ding dong.

    I'd go for surprise and games, the more new and fresh ideas you can come up with the more the flame would ignite.

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    Bertie831 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ah we always put do not disturb on the door, however one time he didnt read it & put 'please clean our room' & the cleaner walked in half way through...that was back in the day!

    I think we need to start having fun & being intimate again, i like your ideas midnightlou we need to be spontaneous again. We're going for a meal & to the theatre that night before our hotel, any ideas? x

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