• How should I approach this?

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 206
    • Joined: 23 Jan 2012

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We were each others first serious partners and took each others virginity. I love him so much, but I think the spark is fizzling out.

    We've both been under a lot of stress over the past couple of months and things about our lifestyles has changed dramatically. We both left uni, and I got a full time job, while he started his own business. I lost the job, and stayed unemployed for a couple of months, and now I have a new one. He is still self employed, but has started a masters course at a local uni. His business is a bit slow at the moment, and we're both stressed over money.

    We don't really see each other much anymore. He works nights every weekend to earn a bit more cash, and is in uni most days, while I'm in work. So we'll usually see each other 3 nights a week, for a couple of hours before we go to bed- and that time is usually spent by me cooking, and him doing work. I thought our sex life has stayed pretty normal, but the more I think about it, the more I realise it's going slightly downhill. Again, this is probably because we are both so stressed at the moment. We're planning on moving to our own house ASAP (He moved home with his dad, and I stay here with him about 3 nights a week...but again, money is tight), and talk about our future fairly regularly, so he's not scared of commiting or anything like that.

    I considered taking a bit of a break, and starting again, like we were dating for the first time, but I know if I told him that, he would be devastated (I hope..), and I don't really want to do this either.

    I just want to tell him that I think the spark has gone, but without offending or upsetting him, and without an argument starting.. I don't want our relationship to end, but sometimes- on bad days, when we hardly talk due to work/uni, or have had an argument, etc.-I feel like it already has, which is really, really sad.

    We still have fun and are obviously in love, and on the odd day that we both have the day off, we spend it together and have an amazing day. This has all cropped up while I'm stuck in traffic on my way to work. I think I might just call it a day and head home, so we can spend the day together today and reconnect a bit.

    Any advice or insight would be much appreciated. x

    MSChaps [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 12 Apr 2008

    I think you hit the nail on the head with "We still have fun and are obviously in love, and on the odd day that we both have the day off, we spend it together and have an amazing day." The problem is you are not spending enough quality time together before when you was dating you would go out place and do lots together I think you both need more time together, go out to the pictures watch some horror films, bowling or whatever it was you use to do. We do change slightly as we get older and we do become more boring just like how we seen our parents when we was younger. I don’t think you should tell him that as I know this can devastate some people, does he really need to work the weekends? Your life’s seem too busy and needs to be a bit simpler / less hectic.

    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 206
    • Joined: 23 Jan 2012

    Hi MSChaps, thanks for replying.

    Yeah unfortunatlely he needs to keep working the weekends, which is a bit annoying but not really causing too much of a problem. But I do agree that we are both very busy all the time and should make time for each other more often. Maybe I will just suggest a date night, kind of thing.

    Thanks :)

    RandyMuppet [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 75
    • Joined: 20 Nov 2010

    Date night is a great idea, if you can leave phones, laptops and tablets well out the way so you can concentrate on each other without distractions.

    Another idea we've done that might fit is a curfew, on certain days of the week set a curfew time, for us its 8pm every night. At this time all work stops (housework, homework, overtime), laptops close, phones get put down. What you do after that is up to you, go out for dinner, sit and watch TV together, go for a walk, the important thing is that you're doing it together. Sometimes one of us has to work late and we can do that with prior agreement. For us curfew ends when she falls asleep.

    pacnatman [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 25 Feb 2011

    It's all about perspective, your own. Take it from an old fart, this won't be the last such challenge you face either with him, someone else, or even on your own. And when you reflect back on it, it won't have been the first time you have experienced this, but it may be the first in this sort of context and therefore that is what your focus is on for a cause.

    Sometimes it will be right to break up and look for alternative solutions but on other occasions doing so will bring you little or no relief. Ask yourself, is it him or is it the situation? Is it me or the situation? Is it the situation because he or I or both of us have allowed the situation to arise? I think if you can answer those questions honestly and accurately then you will know what to do.

    And think about just being positive in the face of adversity and ask him to do the same. It may sound trite but it really can work. Otherwise consider what your options are. They are usually not very attractive.

    Also think about what is essential and what is important. There is an important distinction between them. I can almost guarantee that at some point in life you will reach a point where having more money, more material things will not make you any more happy. The best life ambition is to be happy but you really can't buy what will truly make you happy and being secure is not the same as being happy, essential though it is. You will probably find that having enough is sufficient to make you secure, not more and you will then wish you had focused more on what does make you happy. I know this all sounds clichéd but I can only give you my own personal experience to go by.

    Believe you can do it.

    Chamelian [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 24 Aug 2011

    As another old fart adding an opinion, I would say please try (and it's a biggy) not to stress over money it ain't worth it ( this from one who went from lots to zero almost over night and am still here - you clearly love him and he does you or you wouldn't worry about his reaction going back to dating - relationships delevlop much like young kids and from experience and wise words of a friend - the tough times often preceed the best times and a growing development - you just got to give it time to develop - something we're not so great at in this age of instant!! Hang in there and see what happens, as long as the love is ther it'll be ok xx ps I'm in a similar boat at the moment and really want to jump ship but could end up on the titanic!! xx

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