• After not breaking up....

    1350138386
    geekboy [sign in to see picture]
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    I really feel for you man.

    You sound like a real nice thoughtful person and your partner has taken advantage of you.

    Personally i would consider what she has been doing as cheating. How can you trust a person to lies to you?

    You are obviously in love with her. Are your feelings reciprocated? looking at the way she is behaving i would say not.

    Because of your affection for her you will probally forgive her of almost anything. This is good for her but not good for you.

    My advice (for what its worth) is to start putting yourself first and do what you think is right for you in the short and long term.

    1350141070
    Fr33b1rd [sign in to see picture]
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    All I can offer is heartfelt sympathy noon, hope she appreciates what she has before it's too late

    1350145190
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the continued support, it is helping us sift through all the emotional debris.

    I can safely say that I have not been in a happy place today, though I have some things to work on to keep me going for a bit.

    My OH insists that when she realised I had figured out there was something amis and she told me it was all in my imagination, me being paranoid, that she just wanted to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. But that is more lies. She continued to text her buddy well after that, clearly showing no intention what so ever to bring things to a halt.

    So I am left with the clear picture of her happy to make me think I am going a bit crazy, while carrying on knowing I was distraught and fearful for our relationship.

    1350145530
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    I worry about the apparent lack of balance in your relationship. It is absolutely fine to be utterly devoted to your OH - many a fine marriage is built on this - however it needs to be substantially mutual. Obviously we only have one view on the situation but, on the face of it, she is rather less committed to the relationship than you.

    Regardless of where your relationship is going I think it is vital that you become emotionally more self-sufficient - find things outside the relationship on which to hang your self-respect. I wonder if she feels pressured by the degree to which you are emotionally dependent on her. If so, I think she will be both happier and more attracted to you if you do develop greater independence.
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    chris9r [sign in to see picture]
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    sorry to say, it sounds like the end to me. if you patch things up will you ever really be able to trust her again? without trust how can you be happy?

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    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    My OH is totally comitted to our relationship, but the events over the last few days have seen some really odd decisions being made.

    I will trust her again, absolutely. If I see honesty.

    But I am not without my failings, I spend too much time on here for a start!

    1350154900
    MissTerryCleavage [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear this Noon, it sounds to me a little like you had both got to a very 'complacent' place and were perhaps just bobbing along and then this chap comes along and turns her eye, all women like flattery and attention and he was providing it. I'm not saying you weren't as it very much sounds like you were, but she perhaps viewed it as being out of 'habit; as opposed to out of true feeling, whereas the new guy was true feeling, boosting her confidence etc.

    I wonder about your confidence, some of the things you have said concerning your need for her in your life to feel a person, being nothing without her etc, women like a confident man, and perhaps she feels that she can do whatever she likes to you with no fear of any reprisal, back to that complacent stage again, whereas with a confident man, women have to keep themselves 'on the edge' in case that man who is so desirable seeks affection elsewhere. If you seem to be 'need' her so much, she doesn't feel any sense of competition and as such can treat you however she wishes, but in turn this can create a loss of respect for that person, cos you just wish they would stand up to you, so to speak...

    As you identify she was prepared to continue with this knowing full well the turmoil you were going through, and this is something of concern, in that, the feeling she was getting from the new guy meant more to her, than her feelings of guilt and sadness for what she was putting you through, this is the area that needs talking about? And again, her saying she didn't know why she did it, seems a bit of an excuse to me and seems as though she is wanting to avoid being honest, as she will know what it was she liked etc, and if she is wanting to make the relationship work, she should be prepared to share this so it can be worked on and dealt with.

    These are just some of my thoughts based on my own experience in a long term relationship, I hope you can find the way through this that works for both of you :)

    1350155234
    Heatseekher [sign in to see picture]
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    But I get all of my self-worth and confidence from her and her view of me, so I need her as much as I need air to breath.

    aside from anything else the above if accurate is something that imho needs a bit of a review. Yes partners can boost confidence, be a rock, lend support - but getting ones self worth and confidence from another is a crutch that's likely to be kicked away at anytime.

    As for the lies and so on. I imagine that one of teh biggest 'hurts' in this is the dishonesty, but let's face it in many situations folks tell porkies to extricate themselves from the mire. In a relationship one would hope that they are tiny white lies to avoid hassle more than hurt.

    Overall i'd be firming up on my own self worth, reviewing how i feel about the other party and how i may view the next days, weeks, months - will this elephant stay in the room with the 2 of you. oh and depending on the naughtiness of this bloke having an unsubtle word.

    summing up......survivable, but think an inward look at yourself and the part you pay in teh relationship is important.

    1350158798
    Honeytongue [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear this Noon. Unfortunately there are no quick fixes to this. There coukd be many reasons why her head was rurned by the attention of someone else. As others have said, the lies aee the most hurtful thing. The next couple if weeks will be hard. You both need time to process what has happened and then to share.

    Noon, I hope that you can work through this. I really do recommend though, that you find a bit of your self esteem from yourself.

    Hugs.

    1350207734
    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya Noon

    Hope your ok hun, just wanted to check in with you and make sure that your alright and see how last night went, with the chat (probably the first of many chats) with the OH

    I didn't wanna text you in case it was innapropriate and you were in the middle of something x

    1350217318
    goodgirl93 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the thing that shocked me most about this is that she was calling you grumpy and trying to get rid of you. Its one thing to accept flattery from a person, even to return that for some perverted sense of adventure. But insulting your OH to a guy youre texting inappropriatly i mean pot... kettle. And you say youre not without your failings but who isnt? And i can understand where you are coming from with forgiving her even if she were to do it again i would instantly forgive my OH and vice-versa because i cant live without him. But i would not see him in the same way again. Trust for every relationship is fore-most. In your relationship you both know whats crossing the line, wherever that line may be.
    As for trying to get rid of you to text him and to give him a good nice kiss (yuck) She sounds like she was pushing you away for her own gain, saying youre over-bearing for offering to drive her home. She is obviously in the wrong and trying to justify it by putting you down. Which in my opinion is the bad thing. Sure shes apologised now but whilst texting she wasnt seeing the wrong in what she did, she was blaming you which is just well horrid.
    Obviously i'm glad for you that youve found someone you love so much, but she doesnt sound like shes reciprocating
    hope things work out for the best xx

    1350286041
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Good morning all and thanks for the good wishes.

    We had a huge talk on saturday night, more and more detail slowly came out and it turns out there were lies piled upon lies.

    About 18 months ago my OH came off the pill, her sex drive had dropped to zero over the months before that and I knew our relationship was struggling. When she came off the pill her sex drive slowly came back and it turns out that her desires were not directed at me but at this younger guy from work. As far as I knew nothing had happened.

    The more I told her I loved her, the more insecurities I expressed the more she felt like I was putting her on a pedastal and eventually it all got too much and her needs over ruled everything else. She threw herself at the guy and when she was in the bath all that evening she was cheating on me in a very meaningful way, it all got worse from then on.

    I feel aweful for having put her in an impossible position, I was always motivated by love but I was expecting her to be something she could not be. She lost track of who she was and in the end knew only that she was not heself when with me.

    We had a better day yesterday, but then it came out this morning (when I asked to see her phone bill) that she has been texting the guy for quite a while, even breaking confidences by trading my trust in her for her trust in him. This obviously empowered him, knowing that he had a part of her that I did not.

    I feel like the whole pedsatal thing is just another lie, I did do that and I now know that it was wrong to be so blind. The more I think about it the more times I can remember where she had chance to stop it, to see the harm she was doing and to talk to me about it. But all of those opportunities came and went for her, she was happy with her choices and was increasingly separating her life with me from her "good times".

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    yummy mummy91 [sign in to see picture]
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    aww noon im very sorry to hear that as you know ive had a few prob with my oh all i can say is you need to talk it out as im sure you know

    hope everything gets back on track for you as they seem to have for me for at least now

    1350290032
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Be very careful how much responsibility you take on in this, Noon. Whatever you may have contributed to the situation, 18 months is more than enough time for her to have found a healthier way to address it. To be honest, it sounds like she was using your sense of being less and perhaps fostering it or encouraging it to continue.

    From what I've seen, you have a lot going for you. I've always enjoyed the wit and insight in your posts. So add my name to your support here.

    Whatever you do, be kind to yourself.

    1350297464
    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon

    I am so sorry hun.

    To me that last post makes it sound like she left the relationship a while a go and has just been keeping it going out of the fear of hurting your feelings, hiding things from you and lying to you about things and basically getting herself into a bigger and bigger mess.

    I think that you have many more conversations to have over the next few weeks before you can work out if you have anything left to save. I know you love her, and it probably hurts like hell right but you need to think of the future, can you really live with someone who has managed to be deceitful for such a long period of time, I know you are saying that your not perfect but nobody is, don't take all the blame on yourself, she always had a choice, she could have stopped it at any moment, she could have spoken to you at any time, she could have made so many different choices over the last 18months and you cannot be to blame for the choices she made, she is an adult and she needs to take the blame of these decisions.

    If you need to chat hun, you know where I am x

    1350298751
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks again everyone, it is nice to be able to come on here and be frank about what I am feling. Obviously firneds and family are not going to be much help.

    I reminded her this morning that the day it all got serious for her I sent her a message in reply to her asking if I was upset with her about anyhting (I wasnt) so I said "I love you not only for the amazing person you are, but for the person I am when I am with you". She remembers me sending her that, but does not remember it making her feel anything for me, neither love nor pitty, no guilt or doubts. She went from that and ramped things up with her man.

    Up until then there had been some long term deceit and some hot flattery, nothing that would not be solved with a chat over a cuppa in my view.

    A few days later and I thought she was still suffering with an unusually heavy period and feeling poorly, so I bought her a present - something she had seen in a shop in summer and said she liked. As with me saying how much I loved her, it made no impression, that afternoon when I popped out she threw herself into a session of text sex. It stopped only when the guy suggested he come round, having seen me leave home. Why did she said no? Not out of guilt, because it continued for three more days after that before being caught.

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    Cat Lady [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    Thanks again everyone, it is nice to be able to come on here and be frank about what I am feling. Obviously firneds and family are not going to be much help.

    I reminded her this morning that the day it all got serious for her I sent her a message in reply to her asking if I was upset with her about anyhting (I wasnt) so I said "I love you not only for the amazing person you are, but for the person I am when I am with you". She remembers me sending her that, but does not remember it making her feel anything for me, neither love nor pitty, no guilt or doubts. She went from that and ramped things up with her man.

    Up until then there had been some long term deceit and some hot flattery, nothing that would not be solved with a chat over a cuppa in my view.

    A few days later and I thought she was still suffering with an unusually heavy period and feeling poorly, so I bought her a present - something she had seen in a shop in summer and said she liked. As with me saying how much I loved her, it made no impression, that afternoon when I popped out she threw herself into a session of text sex. It stopped only when the guy suggested he come round, having seen me leave home. Why did she said no? Not out of guilt, because it continued for three more days after that before being caught.

    I honestly don't think this woman deserves you. Sorry to be so blunt but it just sounds worse and worse.

    1350299530
    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    My OH is going to write her viewpoint on all of this, she just read the latest comments and it is giving her lots to think about I would say.

    From her perspective we had been through a very difficult couple of years, she had supported me so much through all of that and during that time she stopped seeing me as a sexual partner. I dont think she was aware that had happened, she was on the pill and so her emotions were quite flat anyway. When she came off the pill she realised she did have desires, but that they were directed at someone else, but she had no idea she would ever be weak enough to succumb to them. She got closer to the guy, he too was having problems with his health and family so she did what came naturally and reached out to him. Clearly getting close to someone who you have feelings for is dangerous, but she did it anyway.

    As the last few months went on she increasingly found work to be the place where she felt sexy, anything I did at home seemed a bit pathetic. She started to confide in him, getting closer than before and he responded as many men would - he started to flatter her. She liked it, it made her feel something she had not felt from me in years.

    I think she saw the deceit as a way to separte what were two different parts of her life. The more she felt stimulated by him the less she noticed me.

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    LauraP [sign in to see picture]
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    Noon wrote:

    A few days later and I thought she was still suffering with an unusually heavy period and feeling poorly, so I bought her a present - something she had seen in a shop in summer and said she liked. she threw herself into a session of text sex. It stopped only when the guy suggested he come round, having seen me leave home.

    Noon I have PCOS a medical condition that leaves me having periods that have me bleeding heavily and continually for several weeks (my worse was 7weeks of continuous heavy bleeding). It has never affected my judgement. Yes it makes me a bit weepy and severely anaemic at times but I have never used it as an excuse to stop me living my life and never would use it as an excuse to be unfaithful.

    She doesn't deserve you.

    If you want to know more about PCOS I'll happily discuss it with you on the private. Feel free to add me.

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    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks AA,

    We have both really enjoyed a good sex life, but I was just not quite giving her what she wanted. I felt that and showed it, so we both knew something was amiss. I did what I always did and talked to her, looking up to her to show me the way. I had become too reliant on her and was not thinking as an individual. That in turn made me even less attractive, so the spiral went on!

    So I am not taking blame, just a share of it. As an individual, but one a part of an amazing relationship.

    I placed total unwavering faith in her, that was far too much pressure and I had become dependant on her. That's not right, so I hope I am fixing it.

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