• How to spice things up?

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    Victoria84 [sign in to see picture]
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    Me and my husband have a 15 month old baby and I only recently got treated for postnatal depression and I'm on antidepressants. Our sex life hasn't been the best lately. I've noticed my husband wants sex, but he just wants to skip to the act itself (even if I'm not ready for it). I've pointed out I need foreplay to get warmed up but he doesn't seem to take notice. It feels like he just wants to get to the sex and have it over with. He has a routine and I know what he is going to do next. I've tried to spice things up, I've bought handcuffs, body stockings, sexy lingerie, but he still goes straight to the main event. What can I do to prolong our sessions?

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    MrPink [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, Victoria,

    Sorry to hear your probs but I've been in the same position and still am to some extent since Mrs P. and I started our family - we just got over having out first and then the second came along, then I've had urinary system problems that have impacted on our sex life.

    Hope you get off the antidepressants soon; they most likely won't be helping this area of your life. You may find you can get going a bit better after that. But although we all know that women take longer to get going than men, we don't stop to think how that impacts the man's side of things - I didn't until I had various anxieties about how long I could keep it up, and I just tried to last as long as I could so my OH had time to get going. But I can tell you that my erections are less dependable now than they used to be - some of which is the tiredness from having young kids - so I do worry about performing properly for long enough, making foreplay a bit fraight. At one stage when I was ill I had a permanent catheter in which makes penetrative sex vary difficult, so we did more cuddling and mutual masturbation instead. I also had a strap-on lined up as I was worried I might be left unable to get it up and I still wanted to feel I could f**k the wife. As it happened, it hasn't turned out that way yet, but having a backup took some of the stress off me. I have had to ask my OH to do more with my cock so it knows it's being looked after, as typically if I have a problem I start with one hell of a hard-on then lose it during foreplay. I suspect as men get older that's what happens more.

    Perhaps you can stoke yourself up a bit before you get to the bedroom, so you're more ready for it when your hubby wants to jump. Mrs. P. is no fan of porn/erotica but when she read Fifty Shades, despite not being interested in that sort of action, she was so unbelievably ready she jumped me before I even attempted foreplay. Alternatively you might be able to start flirting during dinner and be working yourself up at a time when your OH can't simply race off and f**k your brains out. While he's eating his steak and chips you can surreptitiously tweak yourself through your favourite pants while you antipate getting him in there.

    The other problem after kids is that good sex takes time and repeated practice, and we just don't get enough of either. Plus you probably feel like a whale after giving birth so that doesn't help get you randy. Wearing stuff thst covers your vulnerable bits can help, as can keeping the lights down. And seize the moment when you can - if you're watching the telly together you can give him most of a blow job without letting him come before you drag him off to bed. If you can discuss this together so you know what you're trying to achieve, thst's brilliant, but if you can't, the suggestions I've outlined give you a chance to control the situation a bit more to your liking.

    Some people are paranoid about the kids bursting in while they're at it. To be honest, when they're vey young it doesn't register as anything particular (assuming you have a sheet over you). We've been caught a couple of times and just passed it off as a 'special cuddle', while I'm frantically peeling off condoms and trying to clean us both up without appearing to do so!

    Hope some of that sounds helpful - maybe you could let us know if there's anything we could develop on. It's not a disaster in the sense that most couples go through a patch where their sex lives have to redevelop in new directions, but it would be bad if you can't fix it somehow.

    1345405451
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    Hm, perhaps it would benefit you both to spend more time together and doing more coupley things to reignite the affection part of intimacy. I'm assuming here- but from what I've read it's quite easy to feel a little "used" in a sense if he just wants to get to the part of sex without really bonding in other senses like emotionally/mentally.

    A good way may be to start things like hugging and kissing more when you're not intending to have sex- if that makes sense? I'm guessing since having a baby- that there is less time for warming up (foreplay) and getting more intimate so he probably feels like he should "get it" when he can- which understandably, you're not happy with.

    A good way to "prolong" your session may be to organise a night/day to yourselves without the baby. Make it into a movie night or dinner followed by a night of giving eachother massages. Things like that once in a while can put the focus back into you both as a couple. Most importantly though- make it clear to him that it's not about him "getting some". Communicating is always a must in any situation but I see that you have tried and it's not really registered.

    I really like the insight from Mr Pink from a male point of view and potentially how your partner views things.

    Hope that helps.

    1345406682
    Spocket [sign in to see picture]
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    Just talk to him and tell him direct what you need and want... he cant have it all as one way traffic. we have 2 kids albeit older than yours and its tiresome especially when working and running a household. I too was on anti-depressants so i know where your coming from.

    1345407494
    Victoria84 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the advice, I have read 50 shades and it did help me. I was starting things more than I used to. But foreplay is still an issue. I have spoke to him about it as having a little one it is too easy to 'get it over with' and not having as much time as we used to and somedays we are just too tired. He knows he isn't putting much effort it and he's admitted he has been lazy lately. Hopefully after talking about it things will improve. I've also bought some stuff from the website so we can have some good foreplay and explore each others bodies.

    1345408042
    Spocket [sign in to see picture]
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    Has he read the book also ? I read it as i wanted to know what was making my oh sooo bloody horny, now we both seem into each other again

    1345467182
    MrPink [sign in to see picture]
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    I read the first few chapters but I got to chapter 6 or so and Mrs.P. commandeered it. So I haven't read the juicy bits (yet). While she read it Mrs.P. was telling me what rubbish it was but as I say, it got her good and wet and we had a brilliant session just after she finished it and another the next morning on the beach (finger job as the kids were running around).

    Good idea to have more contact between yourselves apart from actual sex - keep it subtle though, as men get terribly fidgety about all that if they even suspect there's a 'plan' behind it. If you need to compromise, it's better if both of you contribute to that and also if when either of you say there's something you don't like doing that you also mention something you would like to do. In our case, Mrs.P. likes to snuggle up to me to go to sleep but it makes me hot so although I love the thought, we've agreed that she rolls away as she starts top drop off. Otherwise I lie there awake for half the night.

    I think the key points are a) not to give up on making it better, and b) not panicking or setting 'targets' that stress either of you.

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