• Masturbation tips?

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    maltedmilk [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been sexually abused in the past and part of what I really want to concentrate on to help me deal with and get over this is masturbation. Any tips? Toys or hands, both would be appreciated. I almost feel like I really don't know what to do. What is common? Thank you xx

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    Noon [sign in to see picture]
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    You have certainly come to the right place. :)

    Just have a play and an explore of your body and how things feel, obviously this being a toy site most people will be fans of something extra to help them along. The small waterproof vibes are great fun for experimenting.

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    Sexpert Rebecca Dakin [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly have you sought professional help for your abuse? Because this is essential and would be what I recommend first and formost.

    Once you are seeking help the next step as you say is to start to explore your own body. What I recommend some of my female clients that haven't masturbated is to read something sexy e.g Black Lace - Sexy Little Numbers Vol 1 - Best Women's Erotica to get them in the mood.

    Often for women reading rather than watching porn, can help us get aroused. Its good to experiement with your touch and fingers though as well as bringing in toys. To masterbate it's good to fantasize about what you want someone to be doing to you. Another recommended read is Nancy Fridays Women on Top. It's an old 80's book but it's real life womens fantasies. It's important to remember that fanatsys are not to be taken literally, they are purely fantasies, but they will help you find out what erotic scenarios turn you on.

    Toys are a personal thing, you need to find out what works for you. Two of my personal favourites are: Lelo Nea Luxury Rechargeable Pebble Vibrator and Lelo Gigi Luxury Rechargeable Vibrator Expensive yes, but worth every penny, especially as you won't be wasting any money of batteries :)

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    maltedmilk [sign in to see picture]
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    Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

    Sexpert Rebecca Dakin wrote:

    Firstly have you sought professional help for your abuse? Because this is essential and would be what I recommend first and formost.

    Once you are seeking help the next step as you say is to start to explore your own body. What I recommend some of my female clients that haven't masturbated is to read something sexy e.g http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17065 to get them in the mood.

    Often for women reading rather than watching porn, can help us get aroused. Its good to experiement with your touch and fingers though as well as bringing in toys. To masterbate it's good to fantasize about what you want someone to be doing to you. Another recommended read is Nancy Fridays http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=1032. It's an old 80's book but it's real life womens fantasies. It's important to remember that fanatsys are not to be taken literally, they are purely fantasies, but they will help you find out what erotic scenarios turn you on.

    Toys are a personal thing, you need to find out what works for you. Two of my personal favourites are: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=6991 and http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=12129 Expensive yes, but worth every penny, especially as you won't be wasting any money of batteries :)

    This is very good advice indeed!

    Generally, self confidence is the key to get over such traumatic things. Not all the time, however, and it is certainly a lot more complex than that. But I was raped and I found that raising my self esteem was the most important thing to help me move on and enjoy sex again.

    If you feel masturbation will help you in some way (and hey, we often just 'know', right?) then my advice wouold be not to jump straight in to it. Rebecca's advice on reading erotic fiction is a good idea because it gives your imagination a lot more of a work out and your mind can bend and fold the things you read in to your own particular tastes a lot easier than just sat infront of porn. I sometimes read erotic fiction before I get down to anything, and sometimes I'll read it while I'm masturbating, and I've found a big difference betwen the two, and that is that while you are reading during masturbating, it can be harder sometimes to get in the mood and find yourself flicking to the 'good' bits and this can be a little frustrating sometimes, espesh when the 'good' bits don't last as long as you do. But reading beforehand and getting you all heated up before doing anything leaves your mind free to work 'overtime' and imagine your favourite bits in a story over and over and put your own 'personal' touches to a story you have read in your imagination. You will find yourself which you prefer though. At the end of the day, reading stories about other people or pure fiction will give your mind something solid to focus on rather than any traumatic experience you have had creeping in as easily.

    As for masturbation itself, my advice would be not to dive right in very quickly. As Rebecca says above, get to know and learn your body. Don't dive straight for the genitals when you get in bed (or wherever), instead, just relax and stroke and feel your body, getting to know it and learning the different sensations and pleasure you can gain from each part. Nipples, stomach, inner thighs, underside of breasts, lips (which can be a very over-looked erogenous zone) ears/neck/shoulders, down the sides of your body, your buttocks, backs of your thighs and so own. Slowly try different ways of touching and carressing each body part to find what makes you feel relaxed, what makes you feel pleasure and what does nothing for you at all, before going near your genitals. When you do feel ready to go inbetween your legs, you can experiment here by slowly stroking the outer labia and the inner labia, clitoris hood, vaginal entrance, the smooth peice of skin inbetween the vagina and the anus (which can be pleasurable for some women) and tease and 'play' before you reach your clitoris or inside of the vagina.

    Also, you don't have to just stick with fingers, but that doesn't mean the only other option is toys either. Try using different materiels on different areas of your body, such as sliding silk or satin over your nipples, or you can experiment with hot and cold by using something chilled, like an ice cube wrapped in something to run over your body, or you could even experiment with the wide range of lubricants available on the market. Most 'sensation' lubes will not do much on regular bare skin, but the very sensative areas like the genitals make them work, but also work on the nipples and lips too.

    There are literally endless possibilaties when it comes to getting to learn your body and it's likes and dislikes, and it is all about experimenting and enjoying it. It is also very good for you to get aquainted with your erogenous zones and you may even suprise yourself!

    The most importat things are to relax, have fun, experiment and enjoy! And hopefully the door will open to a whole new world of potential pleasure!

    Good luck! Hope you have loads of fun getting to know your body and yourself! xxxx

    Awww thanks so much guys! It's so so lovely how much time and effort you've put into your replies!
    I'm really new to this and apparently you don't get notified if people comment after you so maybe you wont see this??

    I am kiiiinda getting professional help. On two waiting lists at the moment, though I'm thinking of going to a rape and sexual abuse project for counselling as it will be more aimed at sex rather than a general counseller through my GP. I will be asking my Dr though if there are any books they can prescribe me, sexual healing books etc. I think I'm generally okay really, i have other issues as well, but I think I'm alright. I guess I just have a lot of thoughts I'm not sure whether are 'normal'. Not that normal exists.

    I don't know why but I didn't think of reaidng erotic books!! They probably would help as often during sex I'll have flashbacks or just feel grossed out and have to stop. My previous relationship the sex life suffered because of this. The boyfriend wasn't very supportive, I found him pushy after a while. He also wasn't the greatest if I did anything remotely gay. (I feel a bit like I've gone off men and they disgust me.)

    Haha I know Women on Top is an old book because it was probably one of the first books of that kind I looked at. -Probably 8ish, mooching through my nans bedside cabinet! :)

    I think a big thing would be to have me more comfortable with fingers. I sometimes like boyfriends to 'finger me' but a lot of the time it feels pokey and horrible and like a boys grubby muddy nails. (I was touched as a child) I try and get my boyfriend to wank in front of me if I can too as that grosses me out since I was 'assaulted' fairly recently during which the abuser masturbated in front of me, I assume this is why. The last boyfriend made me cry just because he had a wank haha, sooooo embarrassing!

    I'm quite tough love and forcing with lots of aspects of my problems so I don't really mind diving in quickly. To be honest some of the things you've described I probably do anyway but maybe I feel as though I'm 'doing masturbation wrong' if that makes sense, due to lack of sexual nurture and confusion from my childhood. I'll get there eventually then!

    My sex life is totally fine though. (Obviously apart from the rough patch) I think I'm quite open minded and I think I'm good at it. Not had any particularly bad experiences. It's just on my own I'm awkward with the most.


    Confidence is definitely something I need to work on!! I'm a lovely, chatty person most of the time, probably dress too colourful, but I'm just not comfortable in my own skin I guess. I suppose these things get better with age anyway, I'm still young.

    xx

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