• Shyness about naughtiness -- where to go next?

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm particularly curious to get a female perspective on this one, as I imagine that it generally relates to women more than men, but I'll be interested in all viewpoints.

    Over the last few years, my wife and I have successfully spiced up our sex life with the benefit of some imagination and some toys (thanks, LH!). We started off our marriage as a pair of shy virgins who thought that missionary position sex was our only option (although we still enjoyed that). At first, it seemed that it was only me who was interested in going further, with my wife reluctantly going along with my "bad boy" ideas (e.g. toys, porn, role play, light bondage). Over time, I realised that it was more complicated than that: my wife was secretly enjoying much of the naughtiness but was reluctant to let go of her "good girl" exterior.

    We've reached a deal now. I've instructed my wife that, when we enter our bedroom, I want her to leave her "good girl" persona outside the door and unleash her inner "bad girl", regardless of where that takes her. I reinforce this with talking dirtily to her and calling her "my bad girl" -- that really seems to get her going. I've encouraged her to fantasize whilst using her vibrator; I've told her that I'm fine with whatever she wishes to think about (which I really am) and that she doesn't have to tell me what it is (again, okay with me). It's clear now that this works very well for her and is gradually freeing her from her "good girl" constraints -- indeed, her confidence in bed has rocketed. I'm very happy about this, of course.

    The sticking point (and reason for me starting this thread) is that I'm not sure where to go next. If I had any idea what naughty thoughts my wife was having, then I'd find sneaky ways to indulge her taste for these. I'm sure that she has some hot, kinky and naughty fantasies in her head, and I'd love to hear about them, but I don't want to press her on this because I fear that she might then feel ashamed or guilty about them. Any bright ideas?

    For my part, I certainly have some hot, kinky and naughty fantasies in my head. I've shared some of them with my wife and she doesn't seem shocked but gives an otherwise inscrutable expression. I'd like to imagine that she's filing some of them away for her own reference, but I'm anxious about asking in case the answer is "no" and my wife then feels as if she has disappointed me.

    Can anyone out there relate to my wife's perspective on this, and thereby offer ideas on how to break the deadlock? I certainly don't want to spoil things as they're great overall, but I sense that they could be even better!

    Many thanks for any thoughts.

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    LilMissFrustrated [sign in to see picture]
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    This may seem a silly suggestion but why don't you and your wife write down three things or indeed more you want to do that you've never tried before or just run it as three things we've never tried before.

    Put each idea on a separate piece of paper. Put them all in a bowl and pick one.

    She can go first, then pick another one and so on. If its along the lines of something you've never done before, it doesn't come across openly as a fantasy but it could be something she wants to try and is too shy to ask to try.

    Good luck. xx

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    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    we have done this and it was so liberating....I have never had such an open and amazing sex life and my OH is the same and it can ber hard opening up to each other.

    My biggest fear was what happens if i go to far and i end up looking bad in his eyes or if I end up turnign him off rather than on.

    I now realise it is good to be bad in his eyes and as long as we are honest with each other about the things we like and dislike it is always good.

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    LilMissFrustrated wrote:

    This may seem a silly suggestion...

    It's a good suggestion -- thanks! The only reservation that I have (from when we've tried similar ideas in the past) is that my wife tends to play very safe and writes down something like "Have a back rub"* while her eyes hint that she may have had other thoughts that she wasn't prepared to express.

    (* In case anyone was wondering, I do already give my wife regular back rubs!)

    We'll give it a try anyway (maybe in the bedroom, given our new rules!). Perhaps it would help to have a bottle of wine available -- that sometimes assists my wife's "bad girl" to express herself.

    smirnoff09 wrote:

    we have done this and it was so liberating....I have never had such an open and amazing sex life and my OH is the same and it can ber hard opening up to each other.

    My biggest fear was what happens if i go to far and i end up looking bad in his eyes or if I end up turnign him off rather than on.

    I now realise it is good to be bad in his eyes and as long as we are honest with each other about the things we like and dislike it is always good.

    Thanks -- that sounds great! I'd love to get to that point with my wife. We're very open with each other in all other ways -- it's just this area where we both feel uncertain.

    I think the inner conflicts that you describe may well apply both to my wife and to me. I have a fear of "going too far" with my wife (whatever that actually means), which is why I've been trying to take little baby steps with her over many years. Having promised to look after her, I'd hate her to feel at all threatened by me showing a "bad" side, even though she'd probably find it a good fun one in reality.

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    LilMissFrustrated [sign in to see picture]
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    She cant use back rub C H, if thats happened before. Thats the rule you see, it has to be something youve never tried before or perhaps you can think of another topic to make it more risque ie something weve never done before and we have to use.........too. ie item of clothing, a sex toy, food, ill leave that one to you hun. xx

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    LilMissFrustrated wrote:

    She cant use back rub C H, if thats happened before. Thats the rule you see, it has to be something youve never tried before or perhaps you can think of another topic to make it more risque ie something weve never done before and we have to use.........too. ie item of clothing, a sex toy, food, ill leave that one to you hun. xx

    *slaps self on back of head for not reading the instructions properly*

    That's brilliant! I was thinking of the game in which one writes down "favours" for the other to perform (which can include mundane items such as back-rubs), but this one sounds much better.

    I'll have to let my imagination run riot for a while.

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    LilMissFrustrated [sign in to see picture]
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    Reading your past posts C H, your imagination will sort this one out just fine!!

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    hornyredhead [sign in to see picture]
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    You could ask her to complete the questionnaire on http://mojoupgrade.com/

    You can do it on the same computer or two different ones, and it lets you know where you and your partner have compatible fantasies.

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    stamford [sign in to see picture]
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    That sounds good, may do that ourselves ;-)

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    jjane47 [sign in to see picture]
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    we played an oooh and ahhh and noooo game. Hub threw ideas out there that clearly he'd been thinking about and i replied with an ohh sounds naught but nice, or a urrgh dont think so. After a few of his 'ideas' i suggested a couple of things and we batted to and fro...sometimes discussing why an 'urrgh' was an 'urgh' - which in truth was often a knee jerk reaction - the sort of ' i shouldnt like the sound of that'......

    easy to do and you can build it slowly like a jigsaw.....

    'so if we were having an erotic massage and i did xyz' - obviously the response is likely to lead to either a more daring suggestion or tactfully backing off if there's massive resistance......

    just a thought.

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    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
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    I can kind of relate, yeah. One way that me and my partner got to learn our likes and dislkes when we were just starting out at D/s was to use email and Gchat to explore things. It removes that very instinctive "good" facade that everybody uses, and helps with shyness too! It also can feel quite naughty :D

    Here's a link to a game that you might find useful -- it's a little confusing, but the gist is to take turns doing things to eachother for three minutes each. http://www.sugarbutch.net/2012/06/the-three-minute-game/

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    Miss tease [sign in to see picture]
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    The questionnaire sounds good hrh will have to give that a go !

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    boxoftricks [sign in to see picture]
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    A previous b/f and I used to text each other through the day with suggestions of naughty things we would like to do with each other or have done on us later that night or the next time we saw each other.....made for an interesting evening as we never knew quite what the other wanted to trial in the bedroom. He would never be able to tell me these things to my face but could get very explicit in a text. Always a good way to build anticipation for a date night too.

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    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Has she read 50 shades?

    if so could you suggest that she might do a better job than Ms James? and use that as a release for her fantasies?

    Less imtimidating than writing 'I want you to ....'

    xGGx

    1344966609
    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    Many thanks for all of those replies. They're really helpful, and have set me thinking in a very positive way. Any further suggestions still appreciated!

    shellyboo wrote:

    I can kind of relate, yeah.

    That's very reassuring in itself!

    hornyredhead wrote:

    You could ask her to complete the questionnaire on http://mojoupgrade.com/

    Having looked at the questionnaire, I think I might present a selection of the ideas to my wife rather than inflict the whole spectrum on her. Some of them are things that we're doing anyway whilst others, frankly, are likely to have us both running for the hills! I'd also like to add quite a few other ideas of my own to fill in what I perceive as "gaps" in the questionnaire -- they're in the middle ground and have a teasing element, like mind games. I might post my own list here when I've written it. Do we have a thread for that?

    jjane47 wrote:

    we played an oooh and ahhh and noooo game.

    That's great! It's simple to try and might get straight to our root feelings. I also like the idea of communicating in noises which are a bit like moans and groans.

    shellyboo wrote:

    One way that me and my partner got to learn our likes and dislkes when we were just starting out at D/s was to use email and Gchat to explore things. It removes that very instinctive "good" facade that everybody uses, and helps with shyness too! It also can feel quite naughty :D

    Oooh... I like the sound of that. It'll feel odd to be in the same house and communicate that way, but I totally get your point about it removing a barrier which might apply to direct face-to-face communications.

    shellyboo wrote:

    Here's a link to a game that you might find useful -- it's a little confusing, but the gist is to take turns doing things to eachother for three minutes each. http://www.sugarbutch.net/2012/06/the-three-minute-game/

    We'll check it out -- thanks! :)

    boxoftricks wrote:

    A previous b/f and I used to text each other through the day with suggestions of naughty things we would like to do with each other or have done on us later that night or the next time we saw each other.....made for an interesting evening as we never knew quite what the other wanted to trial in the bedroom. He would never be able to tell me these things to my face but could get very explicit in a text. Always a good way to build anticipation for a date night too.

    I'd like to do that, we need to be careful when either of us is at work, as we both tend to leave our 'phones with other people at times when we're unable to answer them ourselves!

    I recall my wife's reaction when I took some naughty photos of myself and presented them to her in an album. She seemed embarrassed and half-hearted about them at first, but after a while she confided to me that she was enjoying having sneaky peeks at them when I was at work. i imagine that naughty texts might get a similar delayed response!

    ghostgirl wrote:

    Has she read 50 shades?

    She hasn't... but she might now that my wife has been gobsmacked to hear her mum say that she had read it! To be honest, I wasn't expecting to hear that either...

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    ghostgirl wrote:

    Has she read 50 shades?

    if so could you suggest that she might do a better job than Ms James? and use that as a release for her fantasies?

    A quick Post Script...

    I popped out to the shops today and bought a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey for my wife to read. I offered it to her and joked that she might wish to compare notes with her mum on the bits that they each liked. My wife took it and giggled playfully. Hopefully there will be more of that to come...

    Thanks for the suggestion, GG!

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    Pixie_Murree [sign in to see picture]
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    hornyredhead wrote:

    You could ask her to complete the questionnaire on http://mojoupgrade.com/

    You can do it on the same computer or two different ones, and it lets you know where you and your partner have compatible fantasies.

    I did this last night with my partner as he tends to be quite shy about what he would like in the bedroom - the results were very enlightening!

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    missdee [sign in to see picture]
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    Your wife sounds like me.
    I have a freind i talk to that keeps trying to get the darker side out of me and im just not bugeing.
    i did one day and he was like about time.

    you sound like he does.
    though i have sex toys and he does not.
    im not one to share my kinky fantasys, i keep them in the bedroom with me and my toys.
    i hate the thought to blab it to others.

    though because i like this guy he has some times seen another side to me.
    he should be greatful because im a closed minded person when it comes to relashionships.
    im a solo girl so to share a passion with someone is actuly scary for me.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Role Play more... that could address via her "alter ego" and may get her to open up more?

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    TJme63 [sign in to see picture]
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    Just completed the "mojo/upgrade" questionnaire. This is very enlightening and will help both partners get a better perspective on each other. Certainly opened new dialogue between me and my OH....more fun on the agenda

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