• OH's sex drive and desire for intimacy has utterly stopped

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    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    hi all,

    hoping for some advice or at least somewhere to open up a bit about this. It's not something easy to talk to friends about without sounding like I'm being very negative about my girlfriend.

    We've been together just over a year with a short break in the middle. We've had all sorts of hell to deal with in that time and while it's never been due to any problem between us (always outside influences) it's never been easy. Now things are easy, or should be, but everything has suddenly changed.

    She's never been overly affectionate but there was certainly enough there to make it obvious she was attracted to me, loved me, and she's genearlly had quite a high sex drive and in the sex has been phenomenal since day one.

    Suddenly she has no sex drive but more than that she has offered no signs of intimacy or affection, and has actually avoided it, to the point of moving away from being hugged or touched. It's been a very difficult few weeks. We talked tonight finally and she still wants us to be together, still loves me, but feels like she doesn't want anyone close to her, to the point of wanting to slap my hand away if I put it on her leg or touch her hair or face. I'm not talking like I'm pawing at her after sex here, I'm meaning touching her hand or similar while watching tv or out in the pub.

    She wants to work on things but while I do to I don't have a clue where to start in this. It doesn't feel like something I can do much about other than give her space and keep my fingers crossed how she feels changes. She feels better for talking, and I at least feel better that she's being open and honest with me, but this is something I've never had to deal with.

    any advice? anyone been through something similar?

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    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    I have days when i feel much he same as it seems like shes feeling, although i know the exact reason for why i get like it. I dont go as far as actually avoiding my OH touching me i just grit my teeth and smile through it.

    I wont put on here why i feel that way sometimes as it can upset some people, i would happily talk in private messages on here about it.

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    QueenC [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Scarab,

    It's not entirely the same, but me and my boyfriend have been together for around 5 years, and life has been throwing sh*t our way the entire time.

    Over the past year, especially, we've had a major tough time- family problems, work stuff, illnesses, the lot. We both noticed that I was getting less and less interested in sex. Instead of talking about it, I would shrug it off and the problem got so much worse, to the point where I would cringe if he touched me. He got really fed up, told me he felt really rejected and asked if I was going to leave him. I didn't ever think about what I was putting him through, but that made me realise and I forced myself to just get over it.

    Anyways, long story short, everything that had been stressing me out had just piled up, and a doctor told me I was depressed, and offered some tablets. I refused to believe it, didn't accept the tablets, and basically learned to man up and pull myself through it. I told my boyfriend I was 'depressed' and we talked for hours about everything. That was months ago, and we've never been closer.

    Talk to your girl, tell her how you feel (but not in a 'What about me?!' kind of way :p ) and make sure she knows that you want to understand why she feels like this. Encourage her to tell you her problems- it doesn't matter if it's embarrassing, stupid, or disgusting, you want to be able to share it with her and help her through it. Once she knows how you feel, hopefully she may open up and the both of you can get through it.

    Hope everything goes alright for you :)

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    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    thanks QC. hoping tonight's talk will help her reach a turning point. We do talk about everything except occaisionally she'll keep stuff to herself like she has with this. good to hear of someone else who's been through it and who's relationship is doing well after that.

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    WeeSteve [sign in to see picture]
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    naughtywildfun90 wrote:

    I have days when i feel much he same as it seems like shes feeling, although i know the exact reason for why i get like it. I dont go as far as actually avoiding my OH touching me i just grit my teeth and smile through it.

    I wont put on here why i feel that way sometimes as it can upset some people, i would happily talk in private messages on here about it.

    you ok hun?? x if ya need someone to chat to about stuff give me an add, im very nice and understanding :) xxx

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    There are two important things you can do:

    1) understand (and show her you understand) that it's nothing personal. As mentioned, she may be depressed and if this is the case, it doesn't matter if things are good now, depression will eat at the happiest person let alone someone who's had a tough time of things of late.

    2) don't push - this is obvious but there are ways you can take the pressure off even more. Maybe have a few signals that mean various things e.g. 3 taps on your arm may mean "please stop touching me", playing with her ear lobe could mean "touch me non-sexually" and stroking the bridge of her nose could mean "you can progress with sexual touching but take it slow". This way she doesn't feel uncomfortable at the time (it's easy to talk outside of the situation but less so in the middle of it all) and you know you're not going to miss any signals should her mood suddenly (as it can do) change.

    Let her know it doesn't matter - guilt is not what she needs and she'll pile it on to herself so you can try to counteract that! Tell her you enjoy her company and knowing she's with you and you're secure in the relationship so if she needs an hour alone then she can have that.

    Also - remind her it's ok for her to play alone even if she's not ready for intimacy. It's tough to understand without getting insecure but if she can keep up solo play she'll get back into joint play. Focusing on herself takes the pressure off and she can think about you whilst she plays and hopefully she can build on that.

    If it continues, nudge her to see a doctor - she could be depressed and treatment will help, or her contraceptive could be sending her hormones haywire and she could be switched (if she's on hormonal contraception) among a number of other possible causes.

    It's all about being as supportive as possible to begin with and after a few weeks or a month or so you can start trying to help her find the desire again, by giving her chance to take the pressure off you're allowing her to relax and feel more positive and you're reminding her that you love her for her!

    It sounds to me like you're already doing a lot right so keep going and you'll figure it out. Just know it's completely natural and it's not you're fault! For many women their libido works in a very different way to their partners and this kind of thing is normal.

    Hope you suss it out :)

    Adx

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    mickylicky [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi scarab9,

    Maybe she just has a hard time, some stress, maybe depression.

    As you write it happened suddenly, I hope, she did not have any bad experience or so. Many years ago I had a, say slight traumatic encounter with some guy who I met at a party, and I went on a huge distance to men altogether for a year. I haven't told my OH yet, although we are together for three years now.

    What I can suggest is some counselling - her alone or you two together?

    Wish you all the best.

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    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    WeeSteve wrote:

    naughtywildfun90 wrote:

    I have days when i feel much he same as it seems like shes feeling, although i know the exact reason for why i get like it. I dont go as far as actually avoiding my OH touching me i just grit my teeth and smile through it.

    I wont put on here why i feel that way sometimes as it can upset some people, i would happily talk in private messages on here about it.

    you ok hun?? x if ya need someone to chat to about stuff give me an add, im very nice and understanding :) xxx

    Awww bless ya, thank uuu. xx

    1344895312
    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 1 May 2012

    thanks everyone. I know if I went in to more detail then it might be easier to make sense of it but don't really want to on here. Just helps to know others have been there and seen this.

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