• Broaching the topic of sex and additions to sex life with long-term partner

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    penelopepitstop87 [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been with my partner nearly 4 years. We have always enjoyed a great sex life, we never used toys/dress up/bondage etc. but we never needed to, we were both very satisfied with our sex lives. Unfortunately, we have had an extremely stressful year so far, not with each other but personally, on both sides (I would prefer not to go into details), and it has had a huge effect on our whole relationship.

    The cause of the stress on my partner's side has made him extremely angry and depressed. The cause of the stress on my side has made me also very angry and sad too. We are fortunate enough that we have been a great support to each other during such a difficult time when we have found that unfortunately our family and friends have been the cause of some of our stresses. Our relationship hasn't suffered per se and our dynamic certainly hasn't changed but it has had a significant effect on our sex life.

    Our sex life has become routine, we are still having sex as often as before (minimum 4-5 times per week) but because we have so much going on in our lives, it has become quite plain and routine. I think it would be nice also, as the things in our lives that are causing us stress have almost been resolved, to try something different and new, as a sort of celebration of the end of the terrible time we had.

    I am looking for advice on how to spice things up. We have never used anything in our sex life. Neither of us would be prudish about it but we've just never felt the need, we have always been satisfied by just being naked and trying out whatever we wanted unaided. Obviously I know we could introduce sex toys, different positions etc. but how? We have both tried various things with other sexual partners but never with each other and I just don't know how to broach the subject with my partner.

    What is the best setting to talk about it? What is the best way to ensure that it isn't just talk and actually does happen? I have been browsing the LH website and have seen a few couples packs that I would be interested in, would it be a bad idea to just buy something like that and produce it in the bedroom, would that be too full on?

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    hornyredhead [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you should definitely talk about it first. Just producing toys etc. is a recipe for an argument, IMO.

    What about asking him what he wants to do? Maybe suggest that you've read something in Cosmo and want to give it a try?

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    penelopepitstop87 [sign in to see picture]
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    hornyredhead wrote:

    I think you should definitely talk about it first. Just producing toys etc. is a recipe for an argument, IMO.

    What about asking him what he wants to do? Maybe suggest that you've read something in Cosmo and want to give it a try?

    Yeah I suppose that's true, maybe not necessarily an argument but it would probably be a bit daunting for himto be surprised like that!

    The Cosmo idea is a good one actually, I might give that a go. Thanks

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    jenkat [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah deffinitly talk about it. Maybe start off with something like a massage. Doesn't even have to be a sexy one at first...but if you both enjoy it, you could suggest looking at different massage oils...candles etc. If that takes off you could suggest you dressed up as a masseuse or something, and browse through the clothing section and see if anything catches both your attention.

    If you're browsing through seemingly innocent things like massage oil and lingerie, it gives you the oppertunity to 'accidently' show him the couples packs and see his reaction to it.

    Good luck and glad things are looking up for you both x

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    penelopepitstop87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Dressing up isn't something I'm particularly interested in (I know I mentioned it in my OP but just as an example), I'd be more interested in toys and oils etc., although if my partner does suggest dressing up I will of course give it a go.

    Yeah I might have a look at browsing around LH and "accidentally" *wink wink* have a browse at other things.

    Is there any sort of "levels" set on the LH website? You know, level 1 toys for "beginners", level 3 toys for "advanced" etc.

    Thanks.

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    Ananke [sign in to see picture]
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    My husband is a nightmare for telling me what he likes, it's a case of having to work it out for myself. I would say that I am the more experimental of the two of us.

    I took him to Erotica in London, it was a great day out and when you see things it's easier to express an interest. It will even give you a few ideas that you might not have thought about before.

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    Dizzychick [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17904

    You could try having a look at this by yourself to start with. Wise words from Tracey Cox, might just help to get things started without being too full on too fast. I agree candles and massage oil are a good idea. Maybe you could organise a date night with him and suprise him with some provocative underwear (again have a look on line) and the oil and candles. x

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    jjane47 [sign in to see picture]
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    P,

    my 2 penneth. Mu Hub had 'that' chat with me a while back. We'd always been into an active s/life and he has over the years bought umpteen toys, but there were a few things that he raised. Although he did it in a sensitive way i still felt the a bit low, wondering what had brought things to that point, wondering if i wasn't good enough/active enough etc etc.

    Everyone will have their own opinion....so here's mine.

    For sure bringin up teh fact that you read about xyz in a magazine is a neat way to broach the subject - you could even mention 'that book', however before you do perhaps you might wnat to think about what it is that you feel is missing. Buying a toy or accessory isn't necessarily going to change things in the way that perhaps you might want. In fact buying the wrong stuff aside from being a waste of money might be quite off putting?

    If its spark and zest....then as has been said introducing erotic massage and sensation play is a nice way to connect. Sensation type play is easy to bring in on teh back of a massage, easy for either partner to give/receive and is limited only by imagination. A blindfold during the massage, a soft massage followed by the use of various accessories to provide the sensations: feather, faux fur, something prickly etc etc.....

    Something as simple as that can lead to more daring sensations.....

    Depending on your relationship ( not questionning its strength, merely how you both interact 'normally' ) you could spice things up with 'sexting' / mailing ahead of a night of passion. If we have a kid free house i often get a text/mail that can range from something subtle ' looking forward to our time alone, can't wait to...' ---to things that are a bit more errrr explicit!

    Toy wise....wouldnt presume to guess what you both might like or enjoy. All i'd say is that for us some things look like and are a bit of a novelty item as opposed to something that'll have a long term place in the fun cupboard. Bear in mind btw that as with human touch the use of toys can be finessed with practice....

    oh just remembered.....Hub and I played a game ages ago, could be useful.......he raised various topics sex wise and i replied with an ohhhhh or a noooooo. So he said something like ' i was thinking teh other day of as many things as i could that we haven't tried ( you could subistute ' i was reading the other day').....'how would you feel if i asked you to, or we went, or we bought'.......it was interesting, because it helped us both understand more about things that had been unspoken between us.

    anyway, best of luck and have fun together!

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    penelopepitstop87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the replies. Will give it a go and see how we get on, fingers crossed

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    best time I found was just after enjoyable sex

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    penelopepitstop87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the advice. I somehow worked up the courage and suggested that we buy one of those sex games. I am hoping that it will lead to us talking and opening up about what else we might like to do and hopefully it will help us relax and have fun after such a stressful time.

    (I also bought crotchless panties and tights )

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    Dizzychick [sign in to see picture]
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    Good girl... way to go. Don't tell him though, let him find out for himself. You'll love the anticipation. x

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    good luck.

    board games are a good way to do it,

    you could also each write down a set number of things you want to try on pieces of paper and have a lucky dip maybe once or twice a month.

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    penelopepitstop87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Dizzychick wrote:

    Good girl... way to go. Don't tell him though, let him find out for himself. You'll love the anticipation. x

    Thanks! Yep, going to keep the crotchless panties and tights as a surprise. He likes to have sex outdoors so they'll be a welcome choice I'm sure

    sweetlove666 wrote:

    good luck.

    board games are a good way to do it,

    you could also each write down a set number of things you want to try on pieces of paper and have a lucky dip maybe once or twice a month.

    That's a good idea, I'll give it a go, thanks.

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