• Post for a friend: She can't get him to do the things she would most enjoy

    1343499648
    Heart2Heart [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 270
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2010

    Okay, so I don't know all the details and what not, but the friend is too shy to post for herself :P
    This is mainly an appeal to all the bondage lovers out there to advise her on how to even get him to think about giving it ago... Though shes the one that wants the bondage, he won't so much as think about tieing her up and what not...

    Can anyone offer her any advice? :)

    Thanks :)

    1343499819
    theCarnalCouple [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 193
    • Joined: 29 Jan 2012

    I've got a friend......that old chestnut eh

    Bondage isn't our thing, so can't really offer advice on the subject itself. The rules to remember though are:

    1 - communication, simply talking about likes / dislikes / want to tries etc are the starting point

    2 - don't ever try to make somebody do anything they have clearly stated that they do not want to do

    1343500142
    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 866
    • Joined: 16 Apr 2008

    If he's dead set against it, she should respect his wishes. Just because she'd be the one being tied up doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to say no!

    However, exposing him to some erotic fiction or porn featuring light bondage might make it seem less intimidating, and encourage him to give it a go. I'd suggest your friend ask him to watch a few videos with her and have her point out which aspects she finds sexy... then see what he thinks.

    1343500771
    randubugger [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 321
    • Joined: 24 Mar 2011

    i cant remember exactly how or when we dabbled in bondage but it must be waht you both want and talk to each other make sure it feels right when trying

    1343501190
    Honeytongue [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 271
    • Joined: 13 Jun 2009

    Unfortunately, if he is dead set against it, there is no way round it. She can try explaining how much she would get out of it, but then it is up to him.

    1343506787
    tiggerish [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 61
    • Joined: 31 Jan 2009

    id consider asking him to hold her arms above her head during missionary,or gently pinning her arms down the side...a really light,easy pressure and a way of soft restraint'. its a very gentle way to move towards more. however, if its really not something he feel comfortable doing thats something she will need to acknowledge and respect.

    1343508132

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3024
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2012

    what tiggerish said, my OH isnt into bondage but does like being restrained.

    As a guy I dont like anything that does or may cause pain it is an INSTANT turn off, I cant imagine any amount of talking changing that.

    1343508229
    goodgirl93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 385
    • Joined: 15 Jun 2012

    my OH was completely against hitting me or doing anything like that at the start of our relationship he was strongly against it, now he cant get enough :') so opinions can change, just takes some subtle persuasion ;) xx

    1343508566

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3024
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2012

    lol GG maybe in some cases no chance in my case

    1343509033
    sub-kitten [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 440
    • Joined: 10 Jul 2012

    goodgirl93 wrote:

    my OH was completely against hitting me or doing anything like that at the start of our relationship he was strongly against it, now he cant get enough :') so opinions can change, just takes some subtle persuasion ;) xx

    I agree. I've had partners in the past who hated the idea of hitting me or choking me but over time they came round to the idea & often started to enjoy it as much as I did. Seeing how much something you were initially totally against pleases your partner can change your mind about it. We all want our OHs to be happy, right?

    1343558504
    goodgirl93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 385
    • Joined: 15 Jun 2012

    gunther wrote:

    lol GG maybe in some cases no chance in my case

    sub-kitten wrote:

    goodgirl93 wrote:

    my OH was completely against hitting me or doing anything like that at the start of our relationship he was strongly against it, now he cant get enough :') so opinions can change, just takes some subtle persuasion ;) xx

    I agree. I've had partners in the past who hated the idea of hitting me or choking me but over time they came round to the idea & often started to enjoy it as much as I did. Seeing how much something you were initially totally against pleases your partner can change your mind about it. We all want our OHs to be happy, right?

    subkitten; I think thats what pushed it for him, he saw how excited it made me with friend etc and decided he wanted in :) it makes me feel happy though knowing that when he does hurt m,e initially he was doing it for me and now its for both of us :) if anything he likes it more than me :') haha

    Gunther; Thats you and your partners decision and i presume you're both happy so each to their own :) it obviously works for you not being in a relationship like that, for me it was something i needed, i don't think i'd be with someone who couldn't :/ but as i said each to their own :) xx

    1343562418

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3024
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2012

    goodgirl93 wrote:Gunther; Thats you and your partners decision and i presume you're both happy so each to their own :) it obviously works for you not being in a relationship like that, for me it was something i needed, i don't think i'd be with someone who couldn't :/ but as i said each to their own :) xx

    Interesting GG

    There are issues on both sides my father abused my mother and my wifes brother physically abused her. I suppose in principle if someone felt so strongly about what goes on in the bedroom that they would split over it then we would never be in a relationship in the first place. For me anything that is painful or even looks as if its being painful brings an instant halt, in a fantasy its exciting in real life it is and instant turn off.

    1343563143

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3024
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2012

    HandcuffedLover wrote:

    As with all cases like this, I'd say offer an incentive that's so tempting he can't refuse. Something she knows he would really like but she's always said no to.

    Alternatively, good old fashioned denial. No more sex til he tries it!

    that may well mean no more sex lol

    its a bit straange when so many ladies complain about physical abuse others would split if they wernt

    1343564138
    goodgirl93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 385
    • Joined: 15 Jun 2012

    gunther wrote:

    goodgirl93 wrote:Gunther; Thats you and your partners decision and i presume you're both happy so each to their own :) it obviously works for you not being in a relationship like that, for me it was something i needed, i don't think i'd be with someone who couldn't :/ but as i said each to their own :) xx

    Interesting GG

    There are issues on both sides my father abused my mother and my wifes brother physically abused her. I suppose in principle if someone felt so strongly about what goes on in the bedroom that they would split over it then we would never be in a relationship in the first place. For me anything that is painful or even looks as if its being painful brings an instant halt, in a fantasy its exciting in real life it is and instant turn off.

    I have a similar background with my family, but i see the abuse as completely different to what happens with my OH as its completely consensual, i dont feel it's linked in any way. Though i can understand with knowing your mother and wife went through that you wouldn't want to, that's completely understandable.

    It's not just something that goes on in the bedroom, if for example my OH didnt perform as well in the bedroom as other guys or he had a smaller dick (both of these are just examples btw :P) then i wouldn't end the relationship on that basis ofcourse not. It's not just in the bedroom it's his whole attitude towards me, the pain is obviously something we both enjoy, but it's also the control he exerts it makes me happy to know i'm being cared for it's as comforting as a hug or embrace would be for you. I know i've just explained that rubbishly lol :') it's hard to put into words.
    As already said; each to their own :) xx

    1343564420
    sub-kitten [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 440
    • Joined: 10 Jul 2012

    goodgirl93 wrote:

    gunther wrote:

    goodgirl93 wrote:Gunther; Thats you and your partners decision and i presume you're both happy so each to their own :) it obviously works for you not being in a relationship like that, for me it was something i needed, i don't think i'd be with someone who couldn't :/ but as i said each to their own :) xx

    Interesting GG

    There are issues on both sides my father abused my mother and my wifes brother physically abused her. I suppose in principle if someone felt so strongly about what goes on in the bedroom that they would split over it then we would never be in a relationship in the first place. For me anything that is painful or even looks as if its being painful brings an instant halt, in a fantasy its exciting in real life it is and instant turn off.

    I have a similar background with my family, but i see the abuse as completely different to what happens with my OH as its completely consensual, i dont feel it's linked in any way. Though i can understand with knowing your mother and wife went through that you wouldn't want to, that's completely understandable.

    It's not just something that goes on in the bedroom, if for example my OH didnt perform as well in the bedroom as other guys or he had a smaller dick (both of these are just examples btw :P) then i wouldn't end the relationship on that basis ofcourse not. It's not just in the bedroom it's his whole attitude towards me, the pain is obviously something we both enjoy, but it's also the control he exerts it makes me happy to know i'm being cared for it's as comforting as a hug or embrace would be for you. I know i've just explained that rubbishly lol :') it's hard to put into words.
    As already said; each to their own :) xx

    I agree. I have been in a very abusive relationship in the past & in that instance, the pain & the physical would extend beyond the bedroom. Which is obviously, not acceptable. I think it takes a lot of trust to get to the point where, for me anyway, I would ask a partner to hurt me & I would do so knowing that they would not take it too far. I don't mind being hurt & degraded in the bedroom so long as he treats me respectfully the rest of the time. It's all about balance.

    But yes, each to their own & I am certainly not gonna encourage people to start beating the shit out of each other just in some strange attempt at improving their sex life.

    1343564438
    goodgirl93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 385
    • Joined: 15 Jun 2012

    Also heart2heart i have a similar post like this somewhere where Orc wrote me a really handy essay to give to my friend :) may help yours to give it a read xxx

    1343564933
    goodgirl93 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 385
    • Joined: 15 Jun 2012

    sub-kitten wrote:

    I have a similar background with my family, but i see the abuse as completely different to what happens with my OH as its completely consensual, i dont feel it's linked in any way. Though i can understand with knowing your mother and wife went through that you wouldn't want to, that's completely understandable.

    It's not just something that goes on in the bedroom, if for example my OH didnt perform as well in the bedroom as other guys or he had a smaller dick (both of these are just examples btw :P) then i wouldn't end the relationship on that basis ofcourse not. It's not just in the bedroom it's his whole attitude towards me, the pain is obviously something we both enjoy, but it's also the control he exerts it makes me happy to know i'm being cared for it's as comforting as a hug or embrace would be for you. I know i've just explained that rubbishly lol :') it's hard to put into words.
    As already said; each to their own :) xx

    I agree. I have been in a very abusive relationship in the past & in that instance, the pain & the physical would extend beyond the bedroom. Which is obviously, not acceptable. I think it takes a lot of trust to get to the point where, for me anyway, I would ask a partner to hurt me & I would do so knowing that they would not take it too far. I don't mind being hurt & degraded in the bedroom so long as he treats me respectfully the rest of the time. It's all about balance.

    But yes, each to their own & I am certainly not gonna encourage people to start beating the shit out of each other just in some strange attempt at improving their sex life.

    Our physical extends beyond the bedroom, not in the way that he would openly hit me in front of others but if i say something naughty im bound to get a tight squeeze on my wrist, its his way of saying "i know youve just been bad on purpose in order for me to hurt you and im not going to disapoint when we get back home."
    and also if we both start drinking hes bound to put me over his lap at some point :')

    I agree with the balance :D he spoils me rotten ^^ and is a very lovely guy.

    oh hell no! wouldn't work anyway theres definitly degrees of being hit. You know when you're not enjoying it and if you tell this to your OH and they continue obviously a line has been crossed. xx

    1343568511

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3024
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2012

    Ladies, as a young boy my mother made me promise I would never ever hit a woman, since she had two black eyes and bruises all over I didnt have any problem with agreeing. My wife I would say is submisive she likes being restrained and controlled but never hurt. Our relationship has lasted 30 yrs some who post here spek from a relationsghip that is months or a few yrs old, I firmly believe where violence is involved it denotes a lack of respect and the relationship may be great but wont last.....just my tuppence worth we are all different

    1343568921
    sub-kitten [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 440
    • Joined: 10 Jul 2012

    gunther wrote:

    Ladies, as a young boy my mother made me promise I would never ever hit a woman, since she had two black eyes and bruises all over I didnt have any problem with agreeing. My wife I would say is submisive she likes being restrained and controlled but never hurt. Our relationship has lasted 30 yrs some who post here spek from a relationsghip that is months or a few yrs old, I firmly believe where violence is involved it denotes a lack of respect and the relationship may be great but wont last.....just my tuppence worth we are all different

    That is very small-minded gunther. And actually quite rude to those who chose to incorporate such actions into their relationship. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for others. It's not about a lack of respect at all if it's purely done to please each other in the bedroom alone. It's just another way to play. I think you are placing your own relationship, which I will give you is very impressive & admirable to have lasted 30 years, on a pedastal & judging others by your own standards. Just because your relationship has lasted & no doubt been through alot, does not make you an expert.

    1343571649
    Candied Citrus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 512
    • Joined: 19 May 2012

    gunther wrote:

    Ladies, as a young boy my mother made me promise I would never ever hit a woman, since she had two black eyes and bruises all over I didnt have any problem with agreeing. My wife I would say is submisive she likes being restrained and controlled but never hurt. Our relationship has lasted 30 yrs some who post here spek from a relationsghip that is months or a few yrs old, I firmly believe where violence is involved it denotes a lack of respect and the relationship may be great but wont last.....just my tuppence worth we are all different

    But that's kind of like saying if you were spanked as a kid by your parents when you misbehaved, you'll grow up to not have a good, or any, relationship with them - when, really, they did it with your best intentions at heart, hoping that you'd learn that some behaviour is unacceptable and thus become a better person when you're older.

    Depending on what kind of spanking or hitting people like, it can often be gentle (or fairly gentle :P), designed only to bring that person pleasure, or it can be for punishment - and whilst that may hurt more as it's often done more forcefully, some people find that it brings them comfort (though they may not enjoy it at the time) because it's a way for them to atone: they just have to deal with the pain for their misdoing and then they'll be forgiven. And some find that feeling euphoric, and no doubt it gives them pleasure, even if they don't enjoy the action - punishment - itself... If that makes sense. :|

    And, really, people can't help what turns them on, they have no control over it; I have no doubt that some people can be ashamed or embarrassed by it and by their bodies' reactions to it. It's not always so clear cut and simple. :)

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.