• vent

    1339537826
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    Just need to vent really about myself and get it down in words, im 28 and a mum of two and am incredibly uncomfortable in bed I don't find myself attractive at all and am strictly lights off and fantasies kept to myself, usualy have a couple if drinks to relax. Ive had 3 relationships two with men 16yrs older and one abusive (domestic vil) and one 2yr friend with benefits whose now my best friend, I just can't relax, can't let go, make a sound etc etc which is upsetting as have a v dirty open mind but only in my head lol, my fb never said anything critical but would encourage me to relax, share fantasies etc but because he was v fit, lovely body etc I just couldn't and felt so inadequate, my first ever and most recent relationships have been bdsm as I find if I have no control blindfold etc I can switch off and go with anything bf wants but I still can't orgasm etc, im a size 16 @nd find other women of this size vbbeautuful just not myself and I know people say portray confidence etc but I just don't seem able to, I am now single and am dreading starting a new relationship and having all the same lens, like I say I don't expect help as such as I appreciate its in my head but just need to vent getting a little tearful and cross with myself already please excuse any errors am on my phone and tiny screen /keyboard

    1339538127
    Kohaku [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 173
    • Joined: 30 Apr 2012

    Aww sweetie, if i could reach thru the screen and give you a hug i would!
    Im a size 16 and i have no confidence outside of the bedroom! Im very comfortable with my partner within the bedroom but its taken a while! I really dont know what to say to make you feel better. Im here if you want to talk tho xxxx

    1339539452
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    Thankyou im really not sure what the answer is and even if I had the body of a supermodel id still probably struggle its just like a mental block and after 12 years ( that so long ) I can't see a way tto change it but Thankyou for your lovely reply and as much as I would not wissh the predicament on anyone its nice to know im not alone, everyone says oh your so confident lol no just a flipping good actress

    1339585832
    Grimm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 6 Jun 2012

    Hello emziou, the confidence issue can be a real problem particularly if it's linked to low self-esteem.
    We all have our demons. The question is who's in charge.
    If you think you have a problem, you do, even if you really don't.
    You've mentioned mental block. It's identifying what you want, need or would like to change as long as you're realistic (I'll never look like Brad Pitt).
    Sex is a funny thing; there are many different elements to it but fundamentally it's either you, your partner or both of you achieving 'release'.
    I'm curious as to whether you're able to focus on your partner's needs?
    Are you able to 'work' on your partner, actively participate, or are you totally passive?
    You also don't say whether you're able to achieve orgasm through masturbation.
    Are you a bad person? If the answer to that is 'no', then concentrate on the positive. You may need some help in reprogramming yourself but it can be done.
    Let me know if you fancy a chat.

    1339587287
    cakeybakey [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 40
    • Joined: 7 May 2012

    if i could change one thing about the way i look, it would be the way i look, i simply cannot see what thankfully my husband does. i also have zero confidence in my body, too many curves, wobbly bits, not enough straight bits. but, i have a good friend who is a photographer, and she is going to be taking my nude pics soon....i will beat this, after 47 years the world will be mine, not my demons....

    1339591717
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    No problem on my own orgasm wise, strangely I love giving oral sex as means I can 100% satisfy him without exposing my own inadequacies, I hope im not a bad person, I certainly try not to be, like I say first partner was 32 I was 16 he dictated everything so I wonder whether excuse the cliche I've just never 'found myself', in life I skip along telling everyone what they want to hear the only time I didn't was with my fb as he just accepts me for me even now we are just friends, excuse the rambling just putting what's in my head althouugh not ver elequontly , all your replies are v much appreciated and I thank you for the thought put into them

    1339595384
    Grimm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 38
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2012

    From what you've said I think it is all about your confidence.
    My question about being bad was rhetorical. Nothing that you've said makes me think you're a bad person.
    You're a parent so you have the responsibility for others; caring for their needs, making important decisions.
    Apply the same philosophy to yourself.
    You need to be a little selfish and you also need to be honest, both with yourself and others, whether they like it or not.
    it's possible to give your opinion without causing offense.
    Try to be assertive, have an opinion whether it's fashion, TV or relationships.
    Practice communication.
    I find the anonymity of this place makes it easy to be honest.
    How do you feel talking here? I

    1339597154
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    Easy, don't have to fear a bad response as its only words thus doesn't hurt so much, not that anyone on here has been unkind, as im sure you appreciate just don't want to begin a new relationship with same old problems or just acting happy etc as kind of tiring after a while

    1339599721
    Grimm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 38
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2012

    Only words? I've had some pretty shitty exchanges on the internet.
    Ironic that the anonymity that allows me to talk freely enables others to engage in verbal warfare.
    The good thing is that you have found your voice and you need to use it.
    I suggest that avoiding the same old problem and having to act happy is possible.
    Start practising honesty.
    Don't rush into any relationships for the time being as you may find predictions of failure will self - fulfill.
    The sex thing is part of the bigger problem with how you see yourself.
    Concentrate on you instead of 'you and a.n.other'.
    You know that you've allowed yourself to become someone that you're not happy with. What are you going to do about it, doormat?

    1339601904
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    Compared to physical pain in day to day life, the words hurt but on here/internet words can be miscontrued, a missing comma can change context entirely, but yes ppl can be v cruel in words too, I think avoiding much older men may help as my mate pointed out it makes it all to easy for me to relinquish control, not that big age gaps are wrong etc just perhaps wrong for me personally.

    1339602032
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    posted before id finished, I think well I know everyones different, I appreciate your taking the time to reply certainly thought provoking, although to some people stuff seems obvious sometimes just need someone to confirm it

    1339602252
    Grimm [sign in to see picture]
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    I fully understand but hopefully this experience is positive so far.
    Don't dismiss an older man; we've been there, got the T shirt although it's really about maturity. You need someone with who you can form a relationship, someone who will talk to you and who you feel able to talk to.
    A grown-up.

    1339619091
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    Apparently im an old head on young shoulders.

    1339620626
    Miss teach&nurse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 23 Feb 2011

    I've have many demons and some have left scars on my body....

    From the age of 10 I was told i was 'fat' and that has dented my image of myself. I've gone through relationships being completely submissive because i didnt believe i was good enough to have a boyfriend or to have a voice in a relationship -

    This changed when I met my now fiance. A man who when I first started dating noticed I constantly apologised for everything. Who mended my broken self esteem and made me believe in myself.

    I still have body hang ups infact I have hundreds but every female i speak to also have the same hang ups - like does my bum look big, do I have bingo wings, boobs too small, too big - I would also say many men have body hangs up aswell yet this is overlooked. The great thing about love honey is everyone accepts you for you and not some super model at a size 0 or size 30 woman. Only listen to positive people and take in positive energy!

    Build your confidence gradually, little by little. Pick the parts of you, you love - everybody has something they love about themselves and build from there. As Hella pointed out - if your alone walk around naked :) This is a fave thing of mine. You soon become comfortable.

    If you tell yourself 30 times a day that your too fat or not pretty enough then thats what becomes real to you - when infact it's the furthest thing from the truth!

    xxx

    1339621201
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    Thankyou for your reply, yes I just want to break the destructive cycle im in for my own sanity more than anything

    1339621438
    Miss teach&nurse [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    Your very welcome lovely,

    Just believe that you are beautiful! It seems that many others do xxx

    1339765122
    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 433
    • Joined: 14 Mar 2012

    MummyHavingFun wrote:

    Aww sweetie, if i could reach thru the screen and give you a hug i would!
    Im a size 16 and i have no confidence outside of the bedroom! Im very comfortable with my partner within the bedroom but its taken a while! I really dont know what to say to make you feel better. Im here if you want to talk tho xxxx

    Im just the same, although i dont always have confidence in the bedroom. im here to talk too chick xx

    1339767218
    Iwantmore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 40
    • Joined: 20 Apr 2011

    Before I had my kids I was comfortable with my body. Since then my esteem hit and all time low, things were that bad i came close to seperating from my partner because I believed I couldnt give him what I wanted. I would undress in private and sex never happened.

    It is only the last year that I am slowly but surely getting my confidence back, it hasnt been easy but after a lot of talking I finally realised that I havent changed as a person and yes I havent got the long legs or perfect stomach but I am me and no one can take that away from me.

    There will be good and bad days, chin up sweetie xxx

    1339788263
    emzlou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 13 Nov 2008

    Thankyou for your reply, I've never been comfortable in my body but that's just one part of the issue I think hopefully just need to work on general self esteem and that will hopefully all tie in, thanks everyone xx

    1339852132
    Grimm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 6 Jun 2012

    Hi emziou, I did a quick internet search and the page below was one of a number that relate to the issues we've discussed.
    We all have doubts; you'd have to be something of an insufferable ass if you never questioned elements of what you are.
    Good luck.

    http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/increase_your_self-esteem

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