• Feel like I'm losing my sexuality

    1339225568
    minutehand [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 17
    • Joined: 20 Dec 2009

    Hey everyone, always been a big fan of you all and Lovehoney.

    Been a bit frustrated as of late. To make a long story short, I've been depressed on and off for a while - not the miserable sort of depression; I'm optimistic, can be happy and satisfied, but am fatigued, sick of the poor degree I'm doing and find it extremely hard to find study motivation. Here in China where I'm studying there's unfortunately no professional support for depression due to lack of development/interest in psychiatric treatment.

    Anyway, that aside my sex drive has been on a downward slope for a long time now. Granted, I've only been having sex for a very short time (first time 18, currently 21) but it's taking it's toll on my wonderful girlfriend as well as me. We started off like anyone might, several times a week and my drive would be fairly high. But a gradual decrease began before the depression arrived.

    I've been with her and one other girl over the past 3 years; I'm now back with the first lovely lady. It's not an attraction problem - I'm highly attracted to her and was with the other girl too. The same thing happened with my ex in fact during our short half-year relationship. Things were going great at the start, then suddenly, the drive disappeared just like that. It was me - she was still very much up for it, as is my current OH.

    I've had plenty of blood tests including thyroid and testosterone level tests - all have come back normal, though testosterone could have been a little higher. Nevertheless a one-off testosterone injection didn't give any noticeable help. It's not ED; in the rare cases I am in the mood, erections are no problem and tests show they occur at night too.

    Lately the sex drive has reached rock-bottom - it might have been as much as once a week a few months ago, but now I simply can't muster up any desire whatsoever. I don't see it happening this month.

    I feel like the romantic attraction is there, but not the sexual - e.g. I pretty much don't watch porn, but catching eye of something sexy like my half-dressed OH or another girl in a music video etc, I feel no doubt she is sexually attractive but don't muster up much natural sexual attraction or interest.

    I don't feel like I may be gay - the attraction to women is there as always, just in an asexual sort of way if that makes sense. I suppose depression is likely a big part of it, but it was almost the same before the depression came. You might say in fact the lack of drive fuels the depression.

    Anyway, thanks for reading everyone, I've tried to keep this as short as possible. I guess it's a bit of a rant since I know the best advice is healthy eating, exercise, solving the depression and waiting it out. But I can't help being worried. I'm 21, getting him up seems harder than getting a teenager up in the morning for school. Ugh.

    Am I turning asexual or what?

    1339232623
    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1160
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2011

    Hi minute hand,

    You say you think you may be asexual. I have no experience of this or know of anyone who is asexual so wouldnt be able to say if you are or not.

    Like you say, there isnt the professional support for depression in China like there is here so I guess you feel at a loss.

    It could be due to the depression which has a knock on effect with your sexual appetite.

    Lots of people self diagnose and it could be something completely different to what you imagine.

    I dont hear you mentioning about hobbies or going out with friends. Maybe if you have some friends confide in them. A problem shared is a problem halved. Im not saying you need to go into personal details but it may help to offload. Do you exercise and get out and about? Are you under pressure with your studies?

    It could be that your body is still changing and that at some point you will be more settled and happy with your sexuality.

    I think you are thinking to hard about this. You could probably do with some advise from someone that is asexual who has had similar feelings. There maybe someone on the forums who can help.

    Try not to worry. Just communicate with the women you are in a relationship with, as i am sure they will understand.

    1339241737
    TTurtle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1149
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2010

    OK minutehand without a shadow of a doubt you're not turning asexual! Don't worry about that haha!

    I'm going to say pretty much that what you're having problem with is the depression..it's not whether you are miserable and moody or optimistic and moody..depression can cause all sorts of symptoms and unfortunately sexual drive seems to be one of them.
    When the chemical imbalances in the brain get upset it can throw you haywire, sexual drive being linked to a good balance between dopamine and seratonin in the brain - now unfortunately antidepressents increase the level of seratonin in the brain since this is linked to overall hapiness and wellbeing and in quite a few cases the dopamine level will drop and the sexual drive will drop off the cliff (google antidepressents sexual problems or something). I know you aren't taking antidepressents but I'm just giving you an example of how imbalances can affect you.

    I know exactly what you mean about "I feel the romantic attraction is there"..just before me and my ex broke up she was amongst other things depressed and on tablets, we were barely having sex and it (amongst MANY other things) sent me into a short term depressive spell just before (3 months or so) and after we split..the weekend before we split I basically had trouble 'getting it up' because whilst I wanted sex so bad in my heart, I just didn't feel it you know, my brain just couldn't link the two together. After we split I spent a good few weeks just ignoring sex all together but slowly it came back, in fact honestly with the help of this forum..talking to some very special people here and making friends with them has helped immensley (remember this point, I'll reference it in a sec), and then Wednesday night I had a very intimate encounter with err..a stripper haha and I knew my mojo was back then!!

    Now where do you go from here? It's a big shame there's no real support in China since you need to do something about this before it gets worse.
    *disclaimer* I am in no way recommending the following but I've just heard sometimes these herbal remedies can help: Ginkgo Biloba and Ginseng (especially for sex drive, meant to encourage blood flow to extremities such as the brain and genitals), St. Johns Wart (natural very mild antidepressive), Horny Goatweed.

    Now as I said about referencing the point above, a big thing is talking about this..whether that be professionally with counsellors/psychiatrists which seems like is impossible in your current location or just talking with like minded people, whether here, in real life, other places on the internet etc. just talking through your problems is a good thing, it may help you make sense of things and allow your brain to take the pressure off. The one thing I would do with absolute urgency is talk to your OH about it if you can, make sure she realises you have something up but you are WANTING it to change..it'd be different if you had this and didn't care about it and ignored it, which obvz you don't want to do..so she should understand good luck honestly, I'm sure you'll work this out mate.

    Also finally..really quite suprised you've reached this site where you are...are you proxying?

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.