• Is sex really the bottom line?

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    Lady.Gasm.X [sign in to see picture]
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    I am sure there are many other couples in relationships where the partner's have different sex drives. My partner has a very low sex drive... while mine is very high. I never really gave it much thought up until a few days ago when a friend commented on it.

    They told me that it is not possible to have a happy relationship without a happy sex life. They also said it would lead to one of ur straying if he didn't 'give me what I needed'. I know in my heart I would never cheat on him but do you think there is any truth in what my friend said to me. Is sex really the bottom line?

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    Kohaku [sign in to see picture]
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    As the one with the higher sex drive yes i can say i agree with your friend. If im frustrated in the bedroom im generally frustrated in my everyday life, especially at home when the other half is around. I wouldnt purposely go out to cheat but id be more inclined to do it if the situation ever arrived, it would however mean the end to my relationship.This must be the reason i have a drawer full of toys... :p

    Maybe thats just because i have a super high sex drive tho?!

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    You could also argue quite validly that it is not possible to have a happy love life without a happy relationship. It is important for us but not the whole world. My wife and I are slightly different in drives but since we are frequently separated it hardly matters. Where there is a slight difference I dont think it is an issue but some have posted here that they make love once every 3 months, for someone who wants it every night that would be an issue I would think. I sometimes wonder how couples so mis matched start living together, or maybe some things change, like children for instance.

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    Grimm [sign in to see picture]
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    You need only look at the number of married folk on adult dating sites who obviously aren't getting sex at home.
    For them it is the bottom line. But it isn't for their partners.
    Very difficult to find compatibility and it's not good to be driven to something just to feel 'normal'.

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    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    They told me that it is not possible to have a happy relationship without a happy sex life. They also said it would lead to one of ur straying if he didn't 'give me what I needed'. I know in my heart I would never cheat on him but do you think there is any truth in what my friend said to me. Is sex really the bottom line?

    In my opinion yes, sex is the bottom line for me. Its a way to communicate your feelings and show your love for each other. If that dies, then so does the relationship, again imo.

    Everyone is different and some people can go without sex for long periods, been there done that.

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    TTurtle [sign in to see picture]
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    Dee_licious333 wrote:

    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    They told me that it is not possible to have a happy relationship without a happy sex life. They also said it would lead to one of ur straying if he didn't 'give me what I needed'. I know in my heart I would never cheat on him but do you think there is any truth in what my friend said to me. Is sex really the bottom line?

    In my opinion yes, sex is the bottom line for me. Its a way to communicate your feelings and show your love for each other. If that dies, then so does the relationship, again imo.

    Everyone is different and some people can go without sex for long periods, been there done that.

    I agree with you Dee, it's different for different people but I believe too sex is an important way of showing love for each other..was the only time i really felt my ex opened up to me properly and really showed me how she felt about me

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    Dee_licious333 wrote:

    In my opinion yes, sex is the bottom line for me. Its a way to communicate your feelings and show your love for each other. If that dies, then so does the relationship, again imo.

    Everyone is different and some people can go without sex for long periods, been there done that.

    I think it frequently happens the other way too, couples stop communicating and enjoying life together and the love life drifts away too in time. Maybe its a chicken and egg situation.

    Strange thing for us is I worked in Saudi for two yrs which meant being apart for months (max was 5) frustrating but we came through it however if we were to live together and not make love for 5 months I am sure we would split up.

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    Naked_butler [sign in to see picture]
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    it is a factor but can be overcome

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    Strange Days [sign in to see picture]
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    Its quite simple, I think. Can you live with the difference - does it matter to you...? If it does, that could be a problem, maybe.

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    JakeH [sign in to see picture]
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    Is sex the bottom line? Well, anal would be...

    (groan...)

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    Lady.Gasm.X [sign in to see picture]
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    Some interesting points here... I think for me I am just hoping he will either change or I will get use to it.

    We use to be that couple that had sex 9 times a day (which is probably how I got pregnant so quickly) and throughout my pregnancy till the day he was born we had sex. I later found out he only did this to make life more enjoyable for me and he didn't really enjoy the idea of having sex with a heavily pregnant woman. Since my son has been born we have sex I would say about 3 times a week but for me it's not enough. I want it every day not only for my own sexual desire but sex is also a therapeutic mechanism for me to deal with my loneliness, unhappiness, desire and self esteem.

    Most of the time when I initiate sex and I know he's not really in the mood he will have sex with me anyway and I think it is because he worries I will stray. But regardless of the amount of sex we have it still isn't as fun, spontanious, heated sex that we use to have it's just boring routine sex. Even when we use toys etc I don't feel I can relax with him anymore and I think deep down it's because our spark has gone. I really want to try make things work with him but I just don't know what to try anymore and I won't pretend. I care about him deeply but I want so much more... my desires are so strong for the kind of sex I use to have and I don't really know if this is the life I want for myself especially at such a young age.

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    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    Since he has been born we have sex I would say 3 times a week but for me it's not enough.

    Wow, 3 times a month would be good for me!! But I guess also, that is a big drop from 9 times per day, god who does that anyway??? lol

    When you have children things do change as you know. Perhaps for your man, its not as important to have sex as much as you would like it and 3 times a week is a pretty healthy sex life if you ask me and he probably feels the same. Perhaps he sees you primarily as a mother now which for some men can be an issue as it can be for mothers. I really dont know but only speculating here.

    Sex changes from that once frantic, passionate, lusful sex we had when we first met our partners. I think it tends to be deeper, more meaningful sex as time goes by.

    Do you get much time together, alone? Do you have things that can or could distract you when you fancy a bit of fun?

    Most importantly have you spoken to him about this and your desires?

    I have been with my husband for 7 years, and for the last 3 to 4 years we have been having sex, making love once/twice per month. Similar to yourself, the fire, passion has gone and I have on more than one occasion, tried to talk to him about our slow decline of sex but I have my answer, he is pretty happy with the way things are.

    I have been buying myself sexy underwear, going to the gym to lose weight, suggesting things to try, like watching porn together, watching other people on cam together but to no avail.

    Maybe I have to keep making the moves and dress up for him but when i have in the past, it hasnt always worked or he takes the clothes off right away which spoils any fun imo.

    I hope you can sort something out, perhaps try some of the board games on here for fun.

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    Lady.Gasm.X [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes, when we decide to have sex it's very regimented... upstairs, clothes off, in bed... bam! Not very passionate at all and then I often have to pretend I am enjoying it although really I just think it's cringey! And you say meaningful sex, this kind of sex doesn't feel meaningful to me... it feels like a chore (he certainly sees it as a chore.) Haha yes he couldn't keep his hands off of me and I feel now that he doesn't fancy me as much anymore which hurts me quite a bit. I have tried talking to him and he says he will try but truth be told I don't want him to change who he is, I just want to meet someone who already has what I want. Does this sound selfish? I hope not, I am just being honest with myself. I also feel like he sees me differently since he saw me give birth... I wish I hadn't let him watch now! And I hope we both sort something hun... For me sex is one of the only things I feel I have held onto that's made me who I am and without it I am a frumpy mum... do you know what I mean?

    Dee_licious333 wrote:

    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    Since he has been born we have sex I would say 3 times a week but for me it's not enough.

    Wow, 3 times a month would be good for me!! But I guess also, that is a big drop from 9 times per day, god who does that anyway??? lol

    When you have children things do change as you know. Perhaps for your man, its not as important to have sex as much as you would like it and 3 times a week is a pretty healthy sex life if you ask me and he probably feels the same. Perhaps he sees you primarily as a mother now which for some men can be an issue as it can be for mothers. I really dont know but only speculating here.

    Sex changes from that once frantic, passionate, lusful sex we had when we first met our partners. I think it tends to be deeper, more meaningful sex as time goes by.

    Do you get much time together, alone? Do you have things that can or could distract you when you fancy a bit of fun?

    Most importantly have you spoken to him about this and your desires?

    I have been with my husband for 7 years, and for the last 3 to 4 years we have been having sex, making love once/twice per month. Similar to yourself, the fire, passion has gone and I have on more than one occasion, tried to talk to him about our slow decline of sex but I have my answer, he is pretty happy with the way things are.

    I have been buying myself sexy underwear, going to the gym to lose weight, suggesting things to try, like watching porn together, watching other people on cam together but to no avail.

    Maybe I have to keep making the moves and dress up for him but when i have in the past, it hasnt always worked or he takes the clothes off right away which spoils any fun imo.

    I hope you can sort something out, perhaps try some of the board games on here for fun.

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    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    I wish I hadn't let him watch now! And I hope we both sort something hun... For me sex is one of the only things I feel I have held onto that's made me who I am and without it I am a frumpy mum... do you know what I mean?

    Do you mean see you giving birth? I have heard of men who go off sex but your fella isnt going off it at all, just not doing it as much.

    Before you think the grass is always greener, it isnt. If everything else in the relationship is great then would you be willing to give up a great friend, great relationship and giving up the family bond you have created together with your little one.

    I know where you are coming from hun, i really do. Alot of relationships go through tough time. This is a trying time for you both. If you can come out the other side smiling then you will be a stronger more satisfied couple as a result. Best wishes x

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    Lady.Gasm.X [sign in to see picture]
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    Dee_licious333 wrote:

    Before you think the grass is always greener, it isnt. If everything else in the relationship is great then would you be willing to give up a great friend, great relationship and giving up the family bond you have created together with your little one.


    You are right... I wouldn't be willing to give him up just for a better sex life. I just feel like I am missing out on so much.

    Yeah I mean giving birth... it's like he is repulsed by my vagina now. He always reminds me of seeing our son come out of it and it just makes me feel horrible. I know I have toned back up and I do pelvic excersizes and use kegal balls... although I do have a few strech marks down there it's nothing horrific.

    I just need to stay positive... it's just very hard for me I have never known anything else you see. But thank you for the advice hun... this comment has helped a lot :)

    x

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    MissBoo [sign in to see picture]
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    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    And you say meaningful sex, this kind of sex doesn't feel meaningful to me... it feels like a chore (he certainly sees it as a chore.) Haha yes he couldn't keep his hands off of me and I feel now that he doesn't fancy me as much anymore which hurts me quite a bit. I have tried talking to him and he says he will try but truth be told I don't want him to change who he is, I just want to meet someone who already has what I want. Does this sound selfish? I hope not, I am just being honest with myself.

    I used to feel a lot like this. It took a lot of talking about and until I told him exactly how he made me feel when he'd physically sigh at the thought of having sex and how I used to cry myself to sleep some nights that he realised what he was doing to me. It still doesn't happen as much as I would like (!) but it's a hell of a lot better, and I took some time out to think about how he feels too cause I spent a lot of time thinking about how I want our sex life to be, I never thought about how he might want it. The relationship didn't have to revolve around me, as much as I wanted it to! Basically, what I'm trying to get at is compromise.. It's one of the most important things to a relationship.

    And like Dee has said, the grass isn't always greener. Sometimes you can't have it all. But through communication and compromise, you can get as close as possible.

    Edit: In answer to the actual question! Not necessarily the bottom line, but definitely a line nonetheless. When I'm not happy sexually, it tends to spill over into other aspects of my life. I went through a stage of despising my husband and even just looking at him disgusted me lol but it was all because I didn't feel satisfied!

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    S&M sexy times [sign in to see picture]
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    For me sex is a big part of a relationship, the grass is not always greener on the other side, I felt a bit unhappy with things with my partner & me from a sex point of view eariler in the year, partly because we haven't really tried anything new, (I also found myself thinking what fantastic sex lives most of the folks on here have not being pervy, just a little envious) sure we dress up every now & then & I enjoy dressing up for her, she also loves it,but we generally have sex about once or twice a week usually at weekends because that is when we are not working the next day, when we are on holiday & not working usually that's when we make up for it, the most important thing to remember for me is why we got together in the first place & that is quite simply because we found we were great friends.

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    Lady.Gasm.X wrote:

    Dee_licious333 wrote:

    Yeah I mean giving birth... it's like he is repulsed by my vagina now. He always reminds me of seeing our son come out of it and it just makes me feel horrible. I know I have toned back up and I do pelvic excersizes and use kegal balls... although I do have a few strech marks down there it's nothing horrific.

    I went along with the "father being at the birth" thing and in a way I am glad I was there. But My wife had a failure to progress and it ended up as a forceps delivery. It was a shocking gruesome and very frightening situation for a few minutes. Fortunately she doesnt remember anything and I would never discuss it but I could see why some guys may be turned off after childbirth, maybe in some cases we should return to the old ways where the man paces up and down a corridor waiting for news.

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    There have been several references to grass being greener, I have been unfaithful I am not proud to say and for me the grass is greenest on my side of the valley even if the sex isnt earthshattering the overall experience is the best.

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    Happy. [sign in to see picture]
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    Sex is important in every relationship but it goes hand in hand with good communication and sex really only becomes an issue when there is unbalanced appatites. Its just a matter of who values there needs less over love

    imo

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