• When the ex is a problem...

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    afraidnotscared wrote:

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    Fantastic, I only have that with a mate of 10+ years after we were both in a strange place and decided to give it a go... HUGE mistake even seeing him naked felt wierd *shudder*. Just shows over the years we always would go "one of us is always in a relationship" in reality it was mixing great friendship for feelings..... His Ex hated our friendship and I have a sneaky feeling his current OH has put a stop to it, which is fair enough as I'd be the same if my competition was someone as fantastic and hilarious as myself! ;)

    I can see you're point about the "memorabliia" I suppose my ex was such a twat, I deleted most things pretty quickly.

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    illumine wrote:

    occhiverdi wrote:

    afraidnotscared wrote:

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    Fantastic, I only have that with a mate of 10+ years after we were both in a strange place and decided to give it a go... HUGE mistake even seeing him naked felt wierd *shudder*. Just shows over the years we always would go "one of us is always in a relationship" in reality it was mixing great friendship for feelings.....

    I can see you're point about the "memorabliia" I suppose my ex was such a twat, I deleted most things pretty quickly.

    i can understand the memorabilia but I do feel there is no need to keep videos of him fisting his ex. I guess there is a fine line between some things.

    Good Point!!! I meant more photos of them smiling happily.... :D

    Luckily I was the one who violated my lovely OH and my slight interest grew when I met him, so I doubt (thankgod) theres no fisting pics.... (respect to her for managing it though!)

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    afraidnotscared [sign in to see picture]
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    occhiverdi wrote:

    afraidnotscared wrote:

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    Fantastic, I only have that with a mate of 10+ years after we were both in a strange place and decided to give it a go... HUGE mistake even seeing him naked felt wierd *shudder*. Just shows over the years we always would go "one of us is always in a relationship" in reality it was mixing great friendship for feelings.....

    I can see you're point about the "memorabliia" I suppose my ex was such a twat, I deleted most things pretty quickly.

    I did a similar thing with my best friend when we were 20 - like you it was horrible & awkward & just felt completely wrong. Somehow we let it destroy our friendship & we've only just recently (10+ years later) tracked each other down again thanks to Facebook.

    I'd love to know why I couldn't be friends with my exes pre-my-mid-20s - some of them were lovely people. Something in my head obviously just said "Right, you're not in love with them any more, so you must hate them." Bonkers!

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    afraidnotscared [sign in to see picture]
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    illumine wrote:

    occhiverdi wrote:

    afraidnotscared wrote:

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    Fantastic, I only have that with a mate of 10+ years after we were both in a strange place and decided to give it a go... HUGE mistake even seeing him naked felt wierd *shudder*. Just shows over the years we always would go "one of us is always in a relationship" in reality it was mixing great friendship for feelings.....

    I can see you're point about the "memorabliia" I suppose my ex was such a twat, I deleted most things pretty quickly.

    i can understand the memorabilia but I do feel there is no need to keep videos of him fisting his ex. I guess there is a fine line between some things.

    A very good point! I've always made a point of deleting anything vaguely risque.

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    afraidnotscared wrote:

    occhiverdi wrote:

    afraidnotscared wrote:

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    Fantastic, I only have that with a mate of 10+ years after we were both in a strange place and decided to give it a go... HUGE mistake even seeing him naked felt wierd *shudder*. Just shows over the years we always would go "one of us is always in a relationship" in reality it was mixing great friendship for feelings.....

    I can see you're point about the "memorabliia" I suppose my ex was such a twat, I deleted most things pretty quickly.

    I did a similar thing with my best friend when we were 20 - like you it was horrible & awkward & just felt completely wrong. Somehow we let it destroy our friendship & we've only just recently (10+ years later) tracked each other down again thanks to Facebook.

    I'd love to know why I couldn't be friends with my exes pre-my-mid-20s - some of them were lovely people. Something in my head obviously just said "Right, you're not in love with them any more, so you must hate them." Bonkers!

    I think both situations are quite common.

    1338555628
    littleminnie [sign in to see picture]
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    afraidnotscared wrote:

    Hi Minnie,

    First off, I really don't think you've got much to worry about - you've said yourself that your boyfriend is the best partner a girl could want - and as other posters have said, he's chosen to be with you and not with her.

    What exactly is it that worries you? Is it that his communication with his ex differs from the way he communicates with his other friends? For example, is he in contact with her much more often than with other people?

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    My girlfriend is also in regular contact with her ex & I'm comfortable with the situation - in fact unlike me she's often met up with him without asking if it's okay beforehand.

    I seem to have whittered on a bit longer than I planned to - sorry!

    Thankyou. Yes I know people keep things and I am sure there were fond memories shared so I can't expect him to remove her fully from his memory. What bothered me recently is he has all her emails saved meanwhile he appears to delete most of mine which makes me worry he doesn't see me in the same way he saw her. One of the photo's on his email is one of them kissing, I suppose its more my boyfriend is in a picture kissing someone else.

    As for the communication, he communicates with most of his friends on a daily basis including her. I have never asked him to be honest but from what I gather they are in regular, frequent contact but any communication I have seen could be a to a friend, apart from the kisses at the end which I suppose everyone does these days.

    I just find it annoying that I am 36 and finding this bothersome. I am a laid back person and always smiling but this gets to me at times. I'm sitting here thinking about what to say and I actually feel he wouldn't see my point of view as men do think differently. Also, I don't want to make this a huge issue as I am happy and secure with him. I would like to hear him talk about his feelings for me more, as he rarely says anything and ignores my declaration of feelings or responds with something I consider less emotional but thats another conversation.

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    ZombieCpl [sign in to see picture]
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    Can i state for the record that the images and videos were on a cdr which was in a box off about 250 cds which were in a box taped up in a cupboard under other boxes . And I just did not know they were there untill illumine stumbled accross them if i had known about them they would of not come with me or been destroyed. simple

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    dkelly wrote:

    Can i state for the record that the images and videos were on a cdr which was in a box off about 250 cds which were in a box taped up in a cupboard under other boxes . And I just did not know they were there untill illumine stumbled accross them if i had known about them they would of not come with me or been destroyed. simple

    aww i'm sure you're not the first to make that boo boo!!!

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    littleminnie wrote:


    Thankyou. Yes I know people keep things and I am sure there were fond memories shared so I can't expect him to remove her fully from his memory. What bothered me recently is he has all her emails saved meanwhile he appears to delete most of mine which makes me worry he doesn't see me in the same way he saw her. One of the photo's on his email is one of them kissing, I suppose its more my boyfriend is in a picture kissing someone else.

    As for the communication, he communicates with most of his friends on a daily basis including her. I have never asked him to be honest but from what I gather they are in regular, frequent contact but any communication I have seen could be a to a friend, apart from the kisses at the end which I suppose everyone does these days.

    I just find it annoying that I am 36 and finding this bothersome. I am a laid back person and always smiling but this gets to me at times. I'm sitting here thinking about what to say and I actually feel he wouldn't see my point of view as men do think differently. Also, I don't want to make this a huge issue as I am happy and secure with him. I would like to hear him talk about his feelings for me more, as he rarely says anything and ignores my declaration of feelings or responds with something I consider less emotional but thats another conversation.

    As for the feelings about the ex, I totally get it, I used to (and sometimes still do) feel very much in her shadow at times, but again I do think that is me and my own fear of being hurt again rather than anything else. Don't start thinking he is still in love with her, that will drive you nuts!!!! I've thought similar and simply tell myself that if he wasn't happy with me or wasn't ready to move on he wouldn't be here. :D I've spoken to male friends about it and they say the same as us on here, that if it's upsetting you so much talk to him and if he loves you he wil put you first. (you're not alone in thinking he will put her first, trust me) !!!!!!!

    As for the friends, I encourage my OH to see his mate as they work in the same area and he can vent more to him than to me. As much as I can listen to him, I don't get his daily stresses as someone in a similar job would get!!!!! I know he probably feels the same about my job when I come home and rant about things that only another teacher would get. It's not bad, it's healthy to have friends that you don't share.

    Just sit down and be honest with him, tell him how it makes you feel and I am sure he will listen. I'm not the best at talking but try and bring something up if it is really upsetting me :) Men don't talk about feelings, trust me!!!!!! My OH isn't the soppy mooshy time as much as I would like to hear it sometimes, I accept that is how he is. I just assume he thinks I'm fantastic and that he loves me to bits!!!! (even when I drive him nuts!!)

    ok after 2 hours of wasting time online, I am not vanishing to pack for my holiday and tidy the flat!!!!

    Good Luck talking to him x

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    Catastrophic [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm still friends with my ex, there is absoulutly no romantic feeling between us. It's quite strange because we were friends then had a 4 year relationship then when it ended we went back to being friends (after two months of not talking to eachother). Although me and my ex-girlfriend are still friends as well so it might just be be my personality and the people's personalities I go out with. I think it was because my parents didn't have the most civil divorce and and didn't talk after and I don't want to be like that. My sister is the same as well; her and her ex both have new partners but are in the same friendship group and sometimes just hang out together because they like eachother as friends but not being in a relationship and her boyfriend does the same with his ex girlfriend.

    I don't think it's a big problem to be honest, I wouldn't care if my boyfriend was still friends with his ex as long as he wasn't keeping anything from me and was totally open about it and didn't flirt with her obviously.

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    Catastrophic wrote:

    I'm still friends with my ex, there is absoulutly no romantic feeling between us. It's quite strange because we were friends then had a 4 year relationship then when it ended we went back to being friends (after two months of not talking to eachother). Although me and my ex-girlfriend are still friends as well so it might just be be my personality and the people's personalities I go out with. I think it was because my parents didn't have the most civil divorce and and didn't talk after and I don't want to be like that. My sister is the same as well; her and her ex both have new partners but are in the same friendship group and sometimes just hang out together because they like eachother as friends but not being in a relationship and her boyfriend does the same with his ex girlfriend.

    I don't think it's a big problem to be honest, I wouldn't care if my boyfriend was still friends with his ex as long as he wasn't keeping anything from me and was totally open about it and didn't flirt with her obviously.

    I agree 100% if he wasn't telling me when he saw her etc etc I'd be really upset with him!!! I don't do lying or information ommitance!

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    ZombieCpl [sign in to see picture]
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    facebook and phone were normal pics of my kids and ex and yes i agee the 1's with her should have been deleted and the harddrive was the same as the cdr i could not use it untill i got a pc then i hardly did use it and just did not realise what was on there.

    and i have said SORRY many times and if you have the right to speak about me IN PUBLIC i have the right to answer .

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    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    I think also that it is in our nature that we dont want to think of our partner with any one else other than us. And sometimes it rears its ugly head and its not nice to have it in front of us so it is more in our thoughts and seeing it sometimes in black and white just puts it to us we wasnt the only person ever to be with them.

    As for the whole email thing im with you on that, my OH works away from home and from time to time we email dirty pics and these get deleted on his side, but yet i find him googling for nude pics of celebs etc which i find hurtfull but yet again if i have his full attention at home i can simply ignore this detail x

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    littleminnie [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks guys, I will talk to him tonight and let you all know how it goes.

    LM

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    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    Good Luck :) x

    1338561958
    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    mybadx wrote:

    I think also that it is in our nature that we dont want to think of our partner with any one else other than us. And sometimes it rears its ugly head and its not nice to have it in front of us so it is more in our thoughts and seeing it sometimes in black and white just puts it to us we wasnt the only person ever to be with them.

    Totally agree... I don't think I'd react well to seeing emails or anything similar (I think i'd get quite upset if I knew OH carried pics of his ex on his phone!). To be honest, I think you just have to tell yourself that it's in the past... past is past and people fall out of love as easily as they fall in!!

    Good Luck Littleminnie

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    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    occhiverdi wrote:

    mybadx wrote:

    I think also that it is in our nature that we dont want to think of our partner with any one else other than us. And sometimes it rears its ugly head and its not nice to have it in front of us so it is more in our thoughts and seeing it sometimes in black and white just puts it to us we wasnt the only person ever to be with them.

    Totally agree... I don't think I'd react well to seeing emails or anything similar (I think i'd get quite upset if I knew OH carried pics of his ex on his phone!). To be honest, I think you just have to tell yourself that it's in the past... past is past and people fall out of love as easily as they fall in!!

    Good Luck Littleminnie

    Thats it but we are humans sometimes its easier said than done to tell yourself that, sometimes so nice reasurance from you OH is all it takes. On both sides offcourse :) x

    1338562922
    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    mybadx wrote:

    occhiverdi wrote:

    mybadx wrote:

    I think also that it is in our nature that we dont want to think of our partner with any one else other than us. And sometimes it rears its ugly head and its not nice to have it in front of us so it is more in our thoughts and seeing it sometimes in black and white just puts it to us we wasnt the only person ever to be with them.

    Totally agree... I don't think I'd react well to seeing emails or anything similar (I think i'd get quite upset if I knew OH carried pics of his ex on his phone!). To be honest, I think you just have to tell yourself that it's in the past... past is past and people fall out of love as easily as they fall in!!

    Good Luck Littleminnie

    Thats it but we are humans sometimes its easier said than done to tell yourself that, sometimes so nice reasurance from you OH is all it takes. On both sides offcourse :) x

    Yeah, my OH is a bit quiet when it comes to talking about his feelings.

    I remind myself he was hurt just as much as I was and I have to take that into consideration at times especially when I get a little annoying trying to squeeze soppy things out him (when I feel i need to hear it) . Yeah reassurance in a huge thing in relationships, I think too many people don't say something until it's too late. :D

    I have had to learn to talk about feelings, my ex used to cut me off and use my words against me so I suppose its why I make it clear that I love OH to bits. It would be nice to hear more but in general is doesn't bother me too much :D x

    or is it Actions speak louder than words?!

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    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    mybadx wrote:

    My OH has quite a bit of his x's on fb etc and it didnt bother me till one of them messaged him and started asking how i was etc, i said to him she wasnt asking how i was but simply if we was still together etc and him being a bloke was totally blind to this, she evan went as far as not realising we had a daughter together. So long story short i then took over the messaging to her through his account and low and behold she was all for meeting up in a hotel and i didnt need to know. It then resulted in a huge argument and her being swiftly deleted off there.

    I do get on with one of his ex's and it dont bother me as we had a friendship before i evan new about them years before. But evan 5 years down the line i still get a little insecure on why he has them on there as to me my ex's are left in the past.

    I don't wish to sound critical of anyone else's life, but I have to admit, of all the posts, this one sticks out for me. You say it was his ex wanting to rekindle things with your OH, how much did you talk to him bout this before taking over his account? And did he know you were doing this?

    In my opinion, different people break up for different reasons, and whether they stay in contact or not depends on the circumstances. As far as me and my gf are concerned, I know which of her ex's she is in contact with, and am even on friendly terms with onem, having only met them through her.

    If I felt I couldn't trust my partner, or at least talk to her if I had any suspicions, (and there have been a few suspicious moments between us, all of which we have both been honest about, and sorted out there and then), then for me, I'd be wondering why they were my partner.

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    redjellybean [sign in to see picture]
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    I had this problem when I first started dating my OH. He had been split up with his ex-fiancee for about 4 months when we got together. At the time, she was STILL treating him like her skivvy. I tried talking to him about it, but in the end, it was only when I copped a strop that he realised just how upset I was!

    I'm fine with the ex-fiancee now, but still don't like some of his other ex's. Men can be TOTALLY oblivious at times... He didn't understand why I was upset at him being the photographer at an ex's wedding; he had cheated on his ex-fiancee with her as well!! MEN!

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