• When the ex is a problem...

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    littleminnie [sign in to see picture]
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    I was wondering if anyone else is in a relationship with someone who is still close friends with their ex. I had a search and most of the posts are more focused on cheating.

    My current boyfriend of 3 years is. I know people can end because they simply turned into friends which is what I think happened as it was a relationship of 5+ years. My worry is he still has photos of her on his phone and has kept a lot of her texts. He is nothing but loving with me and he isn't the most tech savvy, so I do wonder if he's just not deleted them as he's lazy. He also seems to have all her emails also which does unsettle me a little, but he always leaves his email logged in and open so its not a secret that they are there.

    Don't get me wrong, we're living together now and he's the best partner a girl could want but something bothers me about this. He is honest with me about meeting up with her and his friends (they share a lot of friends) and that doesn't bother me. The constant communication worries me and I know it is probably me being insecure but I'm not sure how to approach this conversation with him as it does upset me. I also have a huge fear he may still be in love with her and although we've been together a long time he's just not in it as much as me.

    Any opinions are accepted, I've noticed loads of great advice on here.

    LM

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    littleminnie [sign in to see picture]
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    hi illumine,

    Its not that huge an issue for me it just bothers me at times. I was in a very abusive relationship before him (mentally not physically) and it seems to crop up at times to upset me.

    They emails are from years ago the texts are too (from their relationship early days). The current texts are friendly and similar to what i'd send a friend. When I've mentioned it in the past he has told me that I am just being worrysome over nothing. I suppose I felt better knowing she was also in a long term relationship although this finished last autumn and she appears to have become more frequent in his group of friends. She does live in the same city as us and I accept we will see her. I do wonder if I met her (although I have no interest in her) it would ease my stress and unease?

    LM

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    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you and your boyfriend ever talk about the texts, emails, etc?? Although I'm in my first reationship, I have a few really close female friends, but my gf id fine about me being in so much contact with them, because I've always been honest about them, and even talking to them about our relationship, asking for advice etc,

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    god I am glad I am not alone!!!!

    First, relationships end for a reason and people are ex's for a reason. (this is something I tell myself when I start to wobble).

    My OH was in a LTR and his ex is very much in his circle of friends!!!! I am not a fan of it but for his sake I try and keep an open mind and accept that some relationships end as its just not to be. (I was in a very very volatile LDR so friendship isn't an option). I accept that ex's can be friends. I do get the insecurities, I have them but remind myself daily that he is not my ex and he wouldn't be with me if he didnt want to be.

    As for her, I have no interest in meeting her but i have a sneaky feeling we'd probably get on :D I have to admit I would be upset to find pictures/emails/messages from the ex but if they are old, I think you have to remember that is just the thing, they are from the past !!!

    I think also if there is a friendship there you have to see how they are together, do they still act like a couple or is it just another mate at the pub!!!! As for talking to him about it, I have mentioned it to him that i don't really get it but I am much happier knowing she lives in another city and has a live in partner. I think I would stress a little more if she was in London/single.

    and illumine, you crazy gal but I can imagine if she was in my face I'd have a VERY different attitude especially if they still acted very much like a couple.

    You've come to the right place for advice :) !!!!

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    TTurtle [sign in to see picture]
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    illumine wrote:

    its only when I went crazy and started smashing things up

    illumine wrote:

    I got arrested for assaulting her so you can imagine how I felt about her :)

    I don't even...

    anyway, it's a bit of a different situation I know but I have almost daily contact with my ex ex, since she's the mother of my son. Now obviously there is a reason there that I do contact her and without it I wouldn't do so but my point is that we are friendly and amicable and I'll still tell her stuff about my life etc. but I have absolutely NO feelings left for her whatsoever, not a cat in hell's chance that I'd ever 'go' there again.
    Is it possible your boyfriend is possibly the same but just valued the friendship element? I mean OK it's not quite fair I do agree with you but that fact that he's not trying to actively hide things from you is a good sign..if he had residual feelings and wished to act on them it'd be likely he'd take steps to delete messages etc.

    So, what you need to do is talk to your partner, explain your feelings to him - don't confront him just sit him down, say you'd like a chat and just talk to him calmly and maturely.

    1338549656

    [suspended user]

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    The only person my wife is really jealous of is my first girl friend, you would think after 32 yrs it would fade but it hasnt, I still cant mention her lol

    Advice? tread very carefully, if he loved her why is he with you and why did they split up. Everyone is different I still have feelings for my first GF maybe I would like to meet her I sure as hell wouldnt like to live with her though. maybe he is just nostalgic.

    1338549671
    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    I think many people are in TTurtles position. Luckily OH and ex have no kids just mutual friends!!!!

    I'm sure there are loads of people who simply are friends, I suppose after such a long time you do become friends more than anything?!

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    littleminnie [sign in to see picture]
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    gunther wrote:

    The only person my wife is really jealous of is my first girl friend, you would think after 32 yrs it would fade but it hasnt, I still cant mention her lol

    Advice? tread very carefully, if he loved her why is he with you and why did they split up. Everyone is different I still have feelings for my first GF maybe I would like to meet her I sure as hell wouldnt like to live with her though. maybe he is just nostalgic.

    He keeps a lot of crap from the past including his school uniform!! (hes 38). I agree with the others, maybe it's a friendship and I just take it wrong becuase I know there was feeling there. His best mate is hilarious but i secretly think he fancies my boyfriends ex.

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    TTurtle [sign in to see picture]
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    occhiverdi wrote:

    I'm sure there are loads of people who simply are friends, I suppose after such a long time you do become friends more than anything?!

    This is exactly it. We stopped loving each other about 6 months before we actually broke up..we didn't break up sooner because of our son but there could be lots of reasons why people stay in a realtionship even if the love has gone. In the end she left me for another guy but in all honesty the most overwhelming emotion I felt was relief, I wasn't sad (OK so a little bit when I saw my son but only because of how breaking up a family unit would affect him etc.) and actually felt quite positive. I lived with her for a further 3 months whilst I found a place to live and not once did I even consider asking her if we could try make a go of it again..everything just fizzled out in the love department.

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    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    My OH has quite a bit of his x's on fb etc and it didnt bother me till one of them messaged him and started asking how i was etc, i said to him she wasnt asking how i was but simply if we was still together etc and him being a bloke was totally blind to this, she evan went as far as not realising we had a daughter together. So long story short i then took over the messaging to her through his account and low and behold she was all for meeting up in a hotel and i didnt need to know. It then resulted in a huge argument and her being swiftly deleted off there.

    I do get on with one of his ex's and it dont bother me as we had a friendship before i evan new about them years before. But evan 5 years down the line i still get a little insecure on why he has them on there as to me my ex's are left in the past. (bar 1 who i have 2 kids to but its very limitd comunications ie i say hello when he collects them and thats it).

    I agree with other sit and talk to him, i left it too late to have a calm conversation about it and it landed in a huge row and things being said that should have been left as thoughts. We got through it tho and i have a good couple of close mates that let me talk to them too which helped a great deal x

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    cheer_up [sign in to see picture]
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    Speaking from the other side, if I may: I'm meeting up with my ex today for a coffee, and to give him some of his stuff back. I told my Bit O' Fluff Thingy on the phone last night and he just went silent. Might be a sticking point - I bloody hate possessiveness.

    I'm actually really excited to see my ex - we get on really really well, and we haven't had a proper chat since we broke up. I think being friends is going to work really well for us, and we broke up just over a month ago.

    From what you've said, this lady and your OH and very much over. Maybe he's just keeping the messages as harmless memories, or maybe he is, like you say, too lazy to delete them. My ex was still friends with his ex-fiancee when we were together, and he kept stuff from their relationship (there was an arty photograph she'd taken of him and framed and given as a present on his bedside drawers), but he made it so clear to me that they were over that it never bothered me at all; I actually got on with her better than he did.

    Obviously if it's bothering you, you need to have a chat with your OH, even if it's just for the reassurance that it's you that he loves.

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    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    illumine wrote:

    TTurtle wrote:

    illumine wrote:

    its only when I went crazy and started smashing things up

    illumine wrote:

    I got arrested for assaulting her so you can imagine how I felt about her :)

    I don't even...

    guess this kinda makes me look bad! lol what I did to her was in self defense after she broke into my bedroom and attacked me :S we both got arrested but it looked worse for me because I did more damage to her. The crazy person even had her parents come after us with a crowbar, attack us in the street and spread malicious lies about us. You can probably tell she was a tad jealous that her ex left her for me

    and the smashing stuff up? well he kept pictures and videos of sex and stuff that they got up to till two years into the relationship. I told him many times to delete them and he couldnt be arsed. so I tried a different tactic :)

    You sound like me lol, i like to take a more visable way to getting things done if they dont do as asked lol.

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    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    illumine wrote:

    TTurtle wrote:

    illumine wrote:

    its only when I went crazy and started smashing things up

    illumine wrote:

    I got arrested for assaulting her so you can imagine how I felt about her :)

    I don't even...

    guess this kinda makes me look bad! lol what I did to her was in self defense after she broke into my bedroom and attacked me :S we both got arrested but it looked worse for me because I did more damage to her. The crazy person even had her parents come after us with a crowbar, attack us in the street and spread malicious lies about us. You can probably tell she was a tad jealous that her ex left her for me

    and the smashing stuff up? well he kept pictures and videos of sex and stuff that they got up to till two years into the relationship. I told him many times to delete them and he couldnt be arsed. so I tried a different tactic :)

    Oh I see your point now!!! Love makes people do crazy things!!

    1338551107
    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    cheer_up wrote:

    I'm actually really excited to see my ex - we get on really really well, and we haven't had a proper chat since we broke up. I think being friends is going to work really well for us, and we broke up just over a month ago.

    From what you've said, this lady and your OH and very much over. Maybe he's just keeping the messages as harmless memories, or maybe he is, like you say, too lazy to delete them. My ex was still friends with his ex-fiancee when we were together, and he kept stuff from their relationship (there was an arty photograph she'd taken of him and framed and given as a present on his bedside drawers), but he made it so clear to me that they were over that it never bothered me at all; I actually got on with her better than he did.

    I have to agree with this, I think my OH and his ex are simply friends and like to catch up. They split up yeaaaars ago!

    Remember men are lazy and sometimes need a reminder as they seem a bit dim to quite a lot of things!!!

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    cheer_up [sign in to see picture]
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    illumine wrote:

    TTurtle wrote:

    illumine wrote:

    its only when I went crazy and started smashing things up

    illumine wrote:

    I got arrested for assaulting her so you can imagine how I felt about her :)

    I don't even...

    guess this kinda makes me look bad! lol what I did to her was in self defense after she broke into my bedroom and attacked me :S we both got arrested but it looked worse for me because I did more damage to her. The crazy person even had her parents come after us with a crowbar, attack us in the street and spread malicious lies about us. You can probably tell she was a tad jealous that her ex left her for me

    and the smashing stuff up? well he kept pictures and videos of sex and stuff that they got up to till two years into the relationship. I told him many times to delete them and he couldnt be arsed. so I tried a different tactic :)

    Remind me to never, ever get on the wrong side of you...

    1338551256
    littleminnie [sign in to see picture]
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    mybadx wrote:

    My OH has quite a bit of his x's on fb etc and it didnt bother me till one of them messaged him and started asking how i was etc, i said to him she wasnt asking how i was but simply if we was still together etc and him being a bloke was totally blind to this, she evan went as far as not realising we had a daughter together. So long story short i then took over the messaging to her through his account and low and behold she was all for meeting up in a hotel and i didnt need to know. It then resulted in a huge argument and her being swiftly deleted off there.

    I do get on with one of his ex's and it dont bother me as we had a friendship before i evan new about them years before. But evan 5 years down the line i still get a little insecure on why he has them on there as to me my ex's are left in the past. (bar 1 who i have 2 kids to but its very limitd comunications ie i say hello when he collects them and thats it).

    I agree with other sit and talk to him, i left it too late to have a calm conversation about it and it landed in a huge row and things being said that should have been left as thoughts. We got through it tho and i have a good couple of close mates that let me talk to them too which helped a great deal x

    I've heard this happen quite a lot and I do honestly think girls are worse than men at times. I think my boyfriend is totally honest and he tells me he loves me all the time, but I do feel that is a word that is overused. As for his ex, I will have to work on accepting her and all your advice is great and makes me feel less insane.

    I will try and talk to him tonight about it especially about the pictures and emails.

    1338551305
    occhiverdi [sign in to see picture]
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    cheer_up wrote:

    illumine wrote:

    TTurtle wrote:

    illumine wrote:

    its only when I went crazy and started smashing things up

    illumine wrote:

    I got arrested for assaulting her so you can imagine how I felt about her :)

    I don't even...

    guess this kinda makes me look bad! lol what I did to her was in self defense after she broke into my bedroom and attacked me :S we both got arrested but it looked worse for me because I did more damage to her. The crazy person even had her parents come after us with a crowbar, attack us in the street and spread malicious lies about us. You can probably tell she was a tad jealous that her ex left her for me

    and the smashing stuff up? well he kept pictures and videos of sex and stuff that they got up to till two years into the relationship. I told him many times to delete them and he couldnt be arsed. so I tried a different tactic :)

    Remind me to never, ever get on the wrong side of you...

    Hahahahahaha Good Point!!!!! :D Illumine with a temper like that you could be latin!

    1338551618
    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    Yep im sure we are lol. But this "women" was married with kids. And she still didnt take the hint after she was caught out. She had one thing on her mind and that was him. In a weird way too it made me good to think i have something other people want but simply cant have :) x

    1338551886
    mybadx [sign in to see picture]
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    It sure is a good thought to have when in a relationship it works both ways to x

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    afraidnotscared [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Minnie,

    First off, I really don't think you've got much to worry about - you've said yourself that your boyfriend is the best partner a girl could want - and as other posters have said, he's chosen to be with you and not with her.

    What exactly is it that worries you? Is it that his communication with his ex differs from the way he communicates with his other friends? For example, is he in contact with her much more often than with other people?

    I'm happy to admit that I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend. I've been my current relationship for more than 6 years (and we've now got a child), but I'm still in regular contact with my previous girlfriend. It's simply because she's one of my best friends - there's no thought of going back to her. I like to keep up with developments in her life & to be honest, I found it really comforting to find out that I was now mature enough not to hate someone I'd seen naked.

    With regard to the old emails & texts, again, don't worry. I've got letters, emails, texts & photos documenting my entire relationship history. I like to have them because they are mementos of a different time, and something that helped make me the person I am today. What I've never, ever done is actually look at any of them - for me it's enough to know that they are there & I would no more want to delete them/chuck them out that I'd want to saw off my own foot.

    My girlfriend is also in regular contact with her ex & I'm comfortable with the situation - in fact unlike me she's often met up with him without asking if it's okay beforehand.

    I seem to have whittered on a bit longer than I planned to - sorry!

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