• How busy is too busy?

    1338068062
    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    My gf and I are in a long distance relationship, and lately we have (or rather, she has) found it hard to find time to talk, especially about us. She works in a pub and so can work rather long and odd shifts. Some starting at 5am and others finishing at 4am, which gives her a rather irregular sleeping pattern on top of this.

    Added to this she has been getting some grief from co-workers, is moving house, and generally just rather stressed, which means her libido is practically nil, and so it's been even longer since we used webcams together. Last time I tried to intiate things like that, she said that I made her feel like a wanking aid.

    I do sympathise with her, and don't wanna make things worse by complaining, but everytime I try and talk about stuff and tell her how I feel (mainly online chat, as the walls in my student house are far too thin to be able to have private conversations) she either just apologises and says how she's a rubbish gf (which makes me feel guilty for adding to the stress), or says how busy she is and that she needs to go to bed, or do whatever else needs doing.

    Basically, at what point does being understanding become being too passive, and how do I make her know how I feel in a way that will make her listen without being selfish?

    Bit of a rant I know, but hope it all makes sense . . .

    1338068623
    absolutely [sign in to see picture]
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    Is there no way you could go to see her to discuss this? Do you feel like she is avoiding you or is genuinely that busy?

    Usually when I have been in similar situations the best method is to ease off on the contact, turn the chase around. Sometimes pestering somebody can make them close off more and more. Let her be the one to ring/online chat you for a few days and you be the one to end the conversation first. This way she'll come running to you. Give her a bit of the treat em mean keep em keen treatment. It's a petty way to do things but it's difficult to see a better way round it if you can't see her in person.

    1338077445
    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    ToyingAround wrote:

    Often I have found writing an email or letter is great, because you can get how you feel out without feeling bad, without her interrupting and saying she needs her bed or something and she will have to read the email because its sat infront of her! You can tell her exactly how you feel in an email or letter, probably things you cannot usually tell someone in person or on the phone.

    Doesn't sound like a bad idea . . . as long it doesn't make her feel too guilty and add to her problems that is.

    1338077619
    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    absolutely wrote:

    Is there no way you could go to see her to discuss this? Do you feel like she is avoiding you or is genuinely that busy?

    I've already booked a ticket to go and see her in about two weeks time anyway. I understand she's busy, but at the same time it does feel like she chooses not to talk about stuff as well.

    It's my last year at uni, and we've started making plans about moving in together when I finish in September, but it somehow seems like the nearer we are to the end, the worse it gets.

    1338112158
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    In a long distance relationship myself, I can sympathise with your situation. We actually have a private and "secret" FB group that we use to keep in contact when we're not together, either on the phone or skype. On here I send him links, photos and comments.

    Although, we aim to talk to eachother every single day it can at time become a bit of a chore but also it can be unfeasible. When I was working my long 12/13 hour shifts, I was shattered and I'd either send a message or tell him beforehand that I would be working. If I had time I'd make a quick call etc.

    To be frank though, even at my busiest, I've always made sure he knew how much I thought of him (then again I'm fairly obsessive lol).

    I really do think you need to have a talk with her about her feelings. Maybe she's getting cold feet? I find it a little surprising that it is getting to the part where you will be getting closer and yet seemingly drifting. This is why communication is very important so you know what the other is feeling/thinking! I'd suggest sending her an email or even a letter describing all of your thoughts and feelings. Her response would indicate how she feels about things. This is not about being pressurising but about being open. I don't think being busy is a reason to not want to talk, there would have to be other attributes, however it could just be other stresses in her life.

    I hope things work out soon. I know how much effort and love can go into these relationships.

    1338160315
    ShaftMaster [sign in to see picture]
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    So we've just been talking online again, things were starting to get intimate, until she turns round and says shes tired and she's going to bed. Again!

    The letter does sound like a good idea, so she can read it in her own time, but I've tried explaining how I feel so many times before, I don't know I can write my feelings down that she'll suddenly understand it this time?

    1338201087
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    The point of a letter/email/message is to put down all your feeling, thoughts and concerns. Her response should indicate how she feels and gives her enough time to gather her thoughts

    I think with online it is so easy to misinterprate a lot of things and miscommunication happens so easily. In this way there is a lower chance of this error.

    I've had lots of highs and lows in my LDR, but that's expected in all relationships but with long distance it can be even harder and lonelier especially when you don't have that constant physical contact.

    As for understanding- there's a difference between not wanting to and truly not understanding. If there's something that's unclear- the person usually asks "Is this how you meant" etc. Don't know if that makes sense but I really think the answers will have to come from her. I also think it isn't about being pressurising- more of a confirmation that you are both on the same level about the relationship and future. The thing is it's ok to want that- busy or not. Good luck!

    1338251484
    Miss-C [sign in to see picture]
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    Being understanding your offering an ear to listen, some reassuring words, some compliments and wheneverpossible some solutions.

    but relationships are a 2 way thing so your OH should try and do the same. It is hard when your in a long distance relationship, I am too so i know where your coming from because both me and my partner do really odd working hours and at the minute he's 3 and a half hours in front lol. But you still have to make time for eachother to make things work.

    If i were you i'd tell her how you feel as best you can even if itsan email at least then its all there for her to read when she can get on the computer and reply. your just got to be honest really.....

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