Ignoring the safe word?

 Well this conversation arose between me and my partner last night after a long session and though we only talked hypothetically he said he would like to try it at one point, however this would mean if he said no or to stop or whatever I would ignore him and continue.

So I thought I would throw the idea on here to see what people thought? (I see before it begins this could become a heated topic and ask people to be civilized)

I think it can be tricky. Ignoring the safe word on request. You would have to be very very attentive to his body reaction and all sounds etc to see if he is just not sure (like bit worried, and thats why he used it) or whether you just hit a hard limit and he does not like it anymore. I guess it can work, but it could be a think ice, you would be moving on.

Me and my partner do not have a safe word, but then we only do spanking and tieing of hands, or blindfold, so basically very very mild bondage. And do not experiment much, as neither is into something harder. If we experiement, it is more about role playing etc.

I personally wouldn't do it. Our safe word is "penguin", because we really can't see any possible scenario where that would come up in a bondage conversation. For us, the safe word is the one word we have that really means stop. We say no and things like it and sometimes it can be ignored as part of the scenario, but the safe word for us is the one word we have that means stop because something is wrong and we have to stop, no questions asked.

I wouldn't want to put my partner in a situation where he had no way to make me stop if something was seriously wrong.

I would always listen to my OH if I did go out with a lady!

I am a strong believer in consent and at anytime in any sex!

We could have 10sec into intercourse sex, if she said please stop I am not liking this, then I will stop even if she agreed to have sex!!! But I know some bloke would carry on even if she doen't like and try to intimated her by saying she consented first!

even in BDSM we have a way of communicating! If its part of the plan fine, but if she/he truly wants to stop then I will!

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding here, but I thought that the idea was to agree a safeword which wouldn't normally arise during a session, in order to open up the possibility of continuing with implied consent even when one's partner is yelling "Stop!", "Please don't!" etc.  To me, that seems sufficient for any scenario.

Cuddly Hubby wrote:

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding here, but I thought that the idea was to agree a safeword which wouldn't normally arise during a session, in order to open up the possibility of continuing with implied consent even when one's partner is yelling "Stop!", "Please don't!" etc.  To me, that seems sufficient for any scenario.

The idea is so that it means that you truly surrender your self to someone so basically it's more real and you genuinely like in a real situation couldn't say no which means you can truly experience new levels normally that you might never experience because of the safe word I think it's one of those mental things you either understand yourself or it just sounds crazy? 

The reason he said he wanted to do it and the reason I also like it is that we both grew up and physical fighting was common place and the sort of adrenaline you get from the pain and what not is rather addictive though I can see many people not understanding I assume someone will? 

As for the whole consent issue I see this being the big problem for most when it comes to sex and normal bondage and what not then of course it's vitally important but the idea here is to hand over all control and freedom don't get me wrong I would never ignore it during sex but if he says he wants to do it before hand and we set out some clear boundaries if any then I'm cool with it obviously not doing anything to crazy but taking him beyond his normal limits.

But to clarify we are not talking about sex here take that out of the picture and just think BDSM stuff.

 I wouldn't recommend it to be honest, the safe word is there for a reason. I rarely use mine but I am glad it's there eventhough I trust OH 100% there are times when I can see he gets a little over excited! 

occhiverdi wrote:

 I wouldn't recommend it to be honest, the safe word is there for a reason. I rarely use mine but I am glad it's there eventhough I trust OH 100% there are times when I can see he gets a little over excited! 

The problem we tend to have with the safe word is he tends to use it then decide imediately he wants to continue which is how we came to the idea.

Ork wrote:

occhiverdi wrote:

 I wouldn't recommend it to be honest, the safe word is there for a reason. I rarely use mine but I am glad it's there eventhough I trust OH 100% there are times when I can see he gets a little over excited! 

 

The problem we tend to have with the safe word is he tends to use it then decide imediately he wants to continue which is how we came to the idea.

I think that's your problem then. I've never once had to use my safe word because normally tone of voice is enough. I think it's very important to have a word which is reserved for "seriously, stop". Without that, you could do some serious damage without realising it.

I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation where my OH could do whatever he wanted with no way of me telling him to stop and I wouldn't expect it the other way around either.

I think the issue is more him not cracking it out every time it steps up a little bit. As I said, I've never once had to use my safe word, but it's there if I need to.

Ork wrote:

The problem we tend to have with the safe word is he tends to use it then decide imediately he wants to continue which is how we came to the idea.

That's why I like the old 'traffic light' system, so he can call Yellow, let you pull back a touch and be aware he's not perfectly happy, but not stop completely unless he bumps up to Red after having a chance to breath and think.  As long as he feels safe that Yellow will mean he can get out same as a more final safeword, but without actually stopping everything altogether, he should be able to use that as a panic reacon, and save Red for when he knows he's done in a less knee-jerky way.

awww Bashfulbabe! I never thought of that! traffic light system! thats a good Idea!

What's the point in having a safe word if you ignore it? "No" and "stop it" aren't safe words it has to be something completely unrelated to sex whatsoever that when spoken, you know to stop! There should be no way in which it can be taken to mean something else.

 Haha my safe word with my ex was Koosie La Goop a Goop after the Dexters Lab character. I like the idea of traffic lights system though

What's the point in having a safe word if you ignore it? "No" and "stop it" aren't safe words it has to be something completely unrelated to sex whatsoever that when spoken, you know to stop! There should be no way in which it can be taken to mean something else.

I can understand the reasoning (but don't want to explain) but agreed that no and stop are not safe words

Kinkygentleman wrote:

If I were ever in a BDSM situation, I wouldn't even want to have a safe word

I guess that's why I've never been in a BDSM situation!

Why not?

Kinkygentleman wrote:

The only times when I have been dominated, it has been psychological and there has been no escape. That's where the thrill came from. If I felt that I had a means of escape - i.e. a safe word - then the experience would be lost on me. I would need to feel completely and totally trapped for it to have any kind of effect on my state of arousal.

I think you nailed the reason behind it right there  and I understand what your saying.

Kinkygentleman wrote:

The only times when I have been dominated, it has been psychological and there has been no escape. That's where the thrill came from. If I felt that I had a means of escape - i.e. a safe word - then the experience would be lost on me. I would need to feel completely and totally trapped for it to have any kind of effect on my state of arousal.

This is a very intersting point.

But as a dom or domme, you would have to be very careful and know precisely what you are doing and know your sub well enough to determine when enough is enough, which is actually a bit more complicated than it first sounds.

I can see the appeal of having no safe word, though personally I think it's a good thing to have, especaiily in the type of phyisical relationship you seem to be talking about. Do you think it's possible you are pushing for this a bit as you are sick of him constantly using the safe word then changing his mind? Have you considered a spot of retraining, stopping completely when the safe word is used, then he will learn it means an end to play, and maybe won't be so keen to say it. I also love the traffic light idea.

We dont have a safe word mostly due to the fact I feel no need to say stop or no.  Plus there has never need a moment where I instantly thought that's too much. I often think I'll give it a moment and I either end up liking it or my OH stopped what is was.

Because of this I usually just say, that's too much now, and that's enough.

 So what you're atually saying is that you want to do some intense play without a safeword (because if your ignoring it then its not a safe word is it? You could try something psychological like tell him he has to name the last 5 Prime Ministers or 5 members of the EU eg as a safe word so he actually has to think about it. It can then be up to you if he starts trying to determine whether you need to stop straight away or push him a bit further. 

If you play without a safeword then you need clearly defined limits before you start. 

My Master and I don't tend to use safewords, but if I screamed "RED" during something, he'd sure as hell stop.

I think the obvious (to me, as a sub) way around his safewording issue is to get him to check in using the traffic light system (Red = stop now, Amber/orange = this is borderline/use caution, Green = I'm totally happy with this) and get him to totally understand that if he REDS out, the scene will end, right that minute, and no, will not resume. So if he wants to pause, you could say, use amber instead - but stand firm that if he outright safewords, then all play WILL cease.

Just a thought.