• sexually frustrated with partner

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    DontGetEnough [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi All,

    i know this has prob been asked many times and have read through the previous posts that i could find (that i thought were related) but hoping to get advice from you.

    i have been going out wif my gf for cpl yrs now, i do love her lots but im not getting the sex that i crave (kinky dirty sex), she knows what i like but wont do it and its making me feel frustrated and unhappy.

    Do i sound selfish and should just put up with it (not really waht i agree with) or just realise it not meant to be

    thanks

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    Justlikerabbits [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey DGE, I was in the same situation a year or so back, it is so so frustaring because I loved my her so much but it was just not working in the bedroom, it's almost as if she didn't care about satisfying me. I tried to talk about it but things never changed, have you tried to talk to her? If so what was her response? I do not reckon that you just put u with it, as it will come out in other ways in your relationship.

    Also, I know this might sound odd but do you almost feel the need to cheat? I did but never actually did.

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    [suspended user]

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    Do you watch a lot of pornography, if so do you think you are being realistic? Can you live without the sex you crave?

    My wife wont do many things I have thought about but then most fantasies dont match the reality. in general are you happy together?

    sorry to answer a question with a question.

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    DontGetEnough [sign in to see picture]
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    hi rabbits, sorry im tired and think i reported your post instead of reply to it so i appolgise now if u get into trouble. her responce is pretty much "it aint happening and to drop it" but no cant say i feel i wanna cheat or want to.

    Gunther - i don't think i been un-realistic but that why asking on here lol, i'm talking abt things like swapping dirty pics, cum in mouth, anal play

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    DGE

    my wife doesnt even like none dirty pics of her and she is very attractive ..some women are like that

    Eventually after years she now loves giving a good BJ and swallows

    Anal play is something some like and others dont, we do to a very limited extent.

    I like all of the above but not as much as just a bloody good long warm hearted energetic and loving screw.

    dont judge realistic by what is posted here judge it by the person you are with. I ask again if you ae happy together, sometimes sex becomes a focus of things outside of the bedroom

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    mrsarthur [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with gunther my OH has no where near the sex drive i have it leads to me being frustrated and angry. He is not as experimental or open as i am but , he is slowly trying things that i have thought about but i also remember a time years ago when he was the one wanting to try new things and i felt a bit embarrased, slowly i tried them. At the end of the day we were togeather for 3 years before we married and his sex drive has always been the same so i knew what i was signing up for but i LOVE him sec life is just one of many parts of our relationship and we have been togeather over 11 years now

    Sorry its not an answer to your quetion but more an insight into another relationship we are not all at it every day in 20 different positions, id suggest mentioning to you partner what you would like to do and try and leave it at that if you keep going on at her you will push her further away but if you give her time to mull over your thoughts she may in time be willing to try new stuff . My OH gets embarrased at times so i wrote him a letter not just about sex but all the things i appreciate about him and also the sexual things he does that i love and would like to try also :)

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    Sexpert Rebecca Dakin [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Dontgetenough, I think the point to note here is that you say she know what you like but 'won't do it' - which implies to me she doesn't like the kind of sex that you like. It sounds like whatever she has done in the past has been to satisfy your kinks and your needs. She may be starting to resent you, and resent having sex with you.

    What do you do to make sure she has the sex that she likes?

    How in tune are you with the sex that she desiries?

    Your post is all about what you want, and does imply a somewhat selfish attitude.

    If there can be no compromise then clearly you aren't suited in the bedroom and it would be better for both of you to be able to find better suited partners.

    To compromise I suggest you ask her about the type of sex she likes, and commit wholey to giving her the sex she desires, she then may be more inclined to induldge in the dirty, kinky sex you desire.

    If neither she nor you, can fully participate in exploring and enjoying the sex that each of you desiries, giving satifaction to both of you, then the sex side of the relationship will never be fulfilling for either of you, and you will have lost any intimacy and connection - which is essential for a healthy relationship.

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    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    DontGetEnough wrote:

    hi rabbits, sorry im tired and think i reported your post instead of reply to it so i appolgise now if u get into trouble. her responce is pretty much "it aint happening and to drop it" but no cant say i feel i wanna cheat or want to.

    Gunther - i don't think i been un-realistic but that why asking on here lol, i'm talking abt things like swapping dirty pics, cum in mouth, anal play

    I think that if she has said no then you are being unrealistic, from a woman's point of view.

    I have a reasonable sex drive and am willing to try some new things BUT

    I don't do oral, there is no way my OH is ever going to cum in my mouth. He knows that and respects me enough not to ask or push me into doing something which makes me uncomfortable.

    I always said no to anal but with patience he has introduced me to it, slowly. It is a very personal thing and there are a lot of women that would consider it beyond their boundries.

    Finally pictures, I am like Gunther's wife I hate having my picture taken, it has taken a long time and a lot of confidence building for me to allow a camera into the bedroom. The guys on here have had a big role in that, the positive reactions help. Again my partner respects that I dont like some of the shots and they are deleated without question. To be honest I agree with Rebecca

    Your post is all about what you want, and does imply a somewhat selfish attitude.

    It boils down to three things respect, trust and communication. If any one of those is missing then the relationship isnt going to fulfil either of you.

    I didn't mean this to come across as a lecture but having been married for 13 years with a boring sex life I can understand where your gf is coming from. For me the difference came from a new man. Maybe you need to consider if you are compatable enough to last.

    xGGx

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    naughtyrider [sign in to see picture]
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    DontGetEnough wrote:

    Hi All,

    i know this has prob been asked many times and have read through the previous posts that i could find (that i thought were related) but hoping to get advice from you.

    i have been going out wif my gf for cpl yrs now, i do love her lots but im not getting the sex that i crave (kinky dirty sex), she knows what i like but wont do it and its making me feel frustrated and unhappy.

    Do i sound selfish and should just put up with it (not really waht i agree with) or just realise it not meant to be

    thanks

    It sounds to me like you are perhaps fantasising too much about the kind of sex you want with your girlfriend rather than enjoying the sex you have with her. Perhaps you should talk to each other - talk to her about the kind of sex you want and listen to what she says about the kind of sex she wants. Trying something new is a slow process. Are you really frustrated or just disappointed!!??Are you doing sexual things that she wants?

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    Chamelian [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi DGE,

    Am fairly recently with new gent, and we have been experiencing a bit of a clash of worlds but now honeymoon period over things are a little odd, we are discovering that the things I like done to me he thinks are a big NO for him, so we have had to discuss it which got me thinking..

    to find out what a partner might like we tend to do to them the things we want done to us and hope they get the idea, not a grand plan really, so talking about it out the bedroom seems to be moving things forward for us. He is still a little unsure that I'm not going to return the favours he does with the kinky and dirty for me back, but I have re assured him - unfortunately he's difficult to gauge and doesn't really tell me what he would like done!! too dirty, too normal - I don't know how he sees it, but I just keep asking gently we're getting there.

    May it's the same for your lady, maybe she wants to please you but is worried that what will please you she might have to have done in return? May be a chat about what she would like done to her and you would like her to do TO you could open the door, that way she doesn't need to fret that it's all going to be done to her and needn't be so uncomfortable?/ Good luck

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    Chamelian [sign in to see picture]
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    Ps. I don't think your being selfish but there may need to be compromise!

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    morefun [sign in to see picture]
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    DontGetEnough wrote:

    i don't think i been un-realistic but that why asking on here lol, i'm talking abt things like swapping dirty pics, cum in mouth, anal play

    I think alot of people wouldnt be up for trying those things tbh. Have you asked her what she is willing to do??

    I wouldn't do pictures- 2 reasons, one I am highly unattractive. 2 I would live in fear of someone else getting hold of them, or what if my partner or I died and then one of our parents found them whilst sorting through one of our things?

    But I might be persuaded by an agreement that we use a camera, delete the pics straight away afterwards and destroy the memory card so nobody could use a program to retrieve deleted images. Or that the images didn't include faces or anything else identifiable like a birthmark or something.

    I've tried letting my partner cum in my mouth but I really didn't like it. To be fair he never asked me to, I just did it. Maybe suggest just the once and if she doesn't like it you will never do it again. I think its important to find out why she doesn't want to do it. Fear of taste? the consistancy? bad experience? Those things can be worked around, maybe by tasting a little after you've come elsewhere. So now I've tried it I'm not willing to let him come in my mouth or around my face but I am willing to let him come anywhere else he wants.

    With anal I think you need to try find out why she doesn't want to, does she think its dirty? that it will hurt? etc. My partner wants to try it, I've agreed but set out a few boundries like using condoms, getting lube designed for anal and going really slow by using something smaller first. So far he hasn't taken me up on that offer cuz he doesn't want to use condoms, but he knows the offers there.

    Anyway I don't think your ideas on what you want to try are unreasonable but I don't think you can just expect her to say yes to them either any more than she could expect you to say yes if she asked you to do something you didn't want to. That said I don't think each others needs/desires should be ignored either and I think couples should always try to find a compromise if they can. Obviously there is the odd thing where compromise can not be reached because of a persons beliefs. If my partner suggested a threesome for example it would be a flat out no, there is just no way round that one for me. Sometimes you just have to respect the other persons wishes. She needs to give you the chance to talk about what you want or suggest things herself, without telling you to drop it.

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    absolutely [sign in to see picture]
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    It's important to compromise and meet in the middle somewhere which obviously isn't happening here. It doesn't sound like there is very good communication between you two, do you argue instead of talk? Try not to let the conversation descend into an argument. Ask her if there is anything she would like to try in the bedroom and then explain what you would like to try. If she says an out-right no then ask her why not, perhaps she has worries that you could dispel. You may feel like putting pressure on her by saying "well if you don't want to do it then I don't think I want to be with you" but that will only push her away further and make the sex less enjoyable. Be very complimentary about her...perhaps buy her some sexy lingerie or something naughty like a whip. There are also games on here like "truth or dare" etc. with little suggestion cards, maybe if you turn it into a fun game it will be less of a chore and more exciting. I see that you are in a very difficult situation and I don't think that you are being selfish exactly, but hopefully if you approach the situation differently you may get a better result.

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    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you sound exactly as you say in the title. Frustrated. BUT I also think you sound very selfish and if you are taking the 'this is what I want and I expect you to oblige me' attitude with your OH I completely understand why she'd shut down. It also sounds as though you have not been having balanced discussions and the only way you'll get anywhere is by showing her respect and seeking to understand the reasons behind her refusals. Very few people refuse without a reason. I've been with my partner for nearly 6 years now and we suggest things to each other (although his recent purchase of a wevibe 3 was less than subtle). There is no way I will ever entertain the idea of anal play, not a chance, but I have reasons for this and have slowly been learning how to engage in HIS anal play. Re swallowing, what is your diet like? Do you smoke? Are you on any medication? Do you lack certain nutrient? If you taste vile or are dehydrated so thicker consistency that could cause her to refuse you and that's just 3 things not even including past experiences. I do not like fingers. Fingering is common, vanilla and most people enjoy it but I HATE it, OH still sometimes forgets, again I have my reasons.

    Find out what your partner likes, take the focus off yourself for a bit. and start trying to remember what you do enjoy with her, what she is willing to do and when you are able to do that without thinking about what you are NOT getting start trying to GENTLY and slowly introduce things, one at a time and slowly. No one learns everything overnight. If it helps try and think of yourself as her teacher and her as your pupil. You don't EVER try to force someone you care about into sexual activities they don't want. That includes guilt tripping and emotional manipulation. Temporarily you may just have to kink yourself- buttplugs in public maybe? or music triggered cock rings.

    The letter is a good idea. You might also try sending loving, sensual (not horny) texts and emails. Encourage her to open up and build self esteem- sometimes there are buried cracks) The games are also a good idea. Good luck.

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    DontGetEnough [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all, sorry have been at work all day and just sat down so getting through your replies.

    sex isnt a problem, she would have it nearly all the time, and i do give her what she wants, sometimes i wish she would want more different things lol (her her orgasms i mean)

    morefun - when it comes to oral i do ask her why as there are ways round it and am willing to try what it takes so that hopefully she can enjoy it as well

    absolutly - your right, there aint much commication, mainly my fault i aint the talkative type in relationships but am trying to change that for her, she has a lot of demands lol

    rowan, i don't make ultimatems (unlike herself) but i wish she would tell me why not and see if we can work out things to make her feel safer, more comfertable, and hopefully enjoy it as well.

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    naughtyrider [sign in to see picture]
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    No need to say sorry DGE

    It sounds like you just need to be patient....take things slowly. As you are not the talkative type it is good that you are trying to change that. You clearly both need to communicate more with each other. Good luck

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    DontGetEnough [sign in to see picture]
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    thanks naughty rider

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    Rowan [sign in to see picture]
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    DontGetEnough wrote:

    Hi all, sorry have been at work all day and just sat down so getting through your replies.

    sex isnt a problem, she would have it nearly all the time, and i do give her what she wants, sometimes i wish she would want more different things lol (her her orgasms i mean)

    morefun - when it comes to oral i do ask her why as there are ways round it and am willing to try what it takes so that hopefully she can enjoy it as well

    absolutly - your right, there aint much commication, mainly my fault i aint the talkative type in relationships but am trying to change that for her, she has a lot of demands lol

    rowan, i don't make ultimatems (unlike herself) but i wish she would tell me why not and see if we can work out things to make her feel safer, more comfertable, and hopefully enjoy it as well.

    First part highlighted- half the men out there would be envious of you right there! Honestly it sounds like you're doing pretty nicely for yourself with that.

    Second- Can you clarify for us what ultimatums you have been given? What was the context and do these relate to your frustration?

    Thirdly- Communication is absolutely vital for sustaining a relationship as opposed to expecting sex to do the job, and that is her responsibility too! Lust might tide you over for a while but to make it last you need to learn to communicate clearly with each other. Otherwise at the very least misunderstandings creep in and often resentment develops. Good luck x

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    spud1610 [sign in to see picture]
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    Patience is a virtue my friend, when me and my partner started dating we waited 8 months to go the whole nine yards. Communication is everything and also the prelufe, take her out for a movie and dinner, be spontaneous and buy her something nice - make her feel really wanted and appreciated, like a princess. Even if this doesn't translate into your sex life it will improve your day to day relationship, it will make you both happier and relaxed. Don't give up, it can be a long road - but just talk, talk, talk !

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    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
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    Although there is always a chance that one day she will change you need to think about and decde if you can be happy with your relationship as it is, sex and all, or if you need to end the relationship. If you know you cannot be happy long term with the sex as it is now it's unfair to stay in the relationship.

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