• An unhealthy relationship with sex?

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    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
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    I need to get this off my chest. I have a high sex drive but I also very strongly relate sex to intimacy. I have always prefered sex within a relationship and I'm not very good at being single. I went through a break up last year which really hit me hard. I was totally in love with someone and we agreed to an open relationship which I wanted. The first girl we slept with he started letting stay round at his house all the time which upset me as he said there was nothing going on but I could see otherwise. It came to a head and we talked about it and I agreed to try poly. It was a complete disaster and I ended it as I could clearly see he was far more in love with her than he ever was with me. He then put it all back on me (it was my fault for saying we could have an open relationship). He was also the first person who gave me an orgasm and made me squirt. I felt/feel very unsure of myself and angry. I didn't walk away earlier, that I allowed him to treat me like that and I was such a bad judge of charater. I don't trust my own instincts any longer. So I have had a few dates and I have had sex. I've been seeing someone very casually but I really feel I get a big come down when I get home and I'm back on my own. I miss having someone to cuddle up to, someone to trust and and turn to :( Ive been single for 7 months now which is a long time for me (the longest I was single before was only about 10 weeks).

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    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
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    Not meaning to sound harsh Lilac, i guess this is a risk you take when you have an `open relationship'. Even so, you were hoping for it to improve your sex life and you had his best interests at heart.

    Sorry to hear it hasnt worked out. You will be able to trust again, if you allow yourself some time but its probably never going to be in an open relationship.

    Im sure for some, an open relationship works fine but there is that risk of either of you meeting someone you fall in love with beside the current partner.

    Sometimes its good to have `me' time ... to sort yourself, your mind out. I dont think it would be a good idea to get too deep into another relationship on the rebound, especially if he hurt you so much, you may take those bitter feelings into a new relationship without realising you are doing so.

    Talk it over with some of your close friends or any lovehoney friends you have. This is a good community for getting things off your chest and getting some good advice.

    Best wishe in the future x

    1335310369
    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
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    Well I don't think the risk is any higher within an open relationship than any other TBH and I have friends who's partners have cheated on them etc which hasn't happened to me. I guess maybe it feels similar because its just the though I wasn't good enough or that I felt so strongly and I was able to walk away even though I really could have stayed and just allowed it to continue because I couldn't bear to give him up.

    But I've been through break ups before and a just feel weird still after this long. I don't want to get into another intense relationship I just get this feeling of downness after sex, because during that time I'm with someone I feel connected and secure and then it's gone. :(

    1335311212
    Syd [sign in to see picture]
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    I think "open relationship" is a bit of an oxymoron.

    If my girlfriend suggested it, I would have to call it a day and accept she wasn't happy.

    Its a very strange concept for me.

    I'm either single and "playing the field" or in a relatioinship. Monogamous.

    What's the point of being in a relationship if you both want to go around having sex with other people?

    It may still be possible to have a relationship of sorts, but a diluted and "cheaper" one.

    A very strange lifestyle choice and not for me.

    I think open relationships are most likely to be favoured by one half of the partnership, whle the other half puts up with it.

    1335314207
    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    to be honest, don't feel like it's all on you: part of the sticking point with open relationships is that ye have to trust each other, and if he was essentially allowed to sleep with someone else, and still felt the need to be sneaky about it, then change the goalposts after the fact to suit what he'd been up to means he was the one who failed there. Yes, you 'own' the opening of it, and the agreement to try poly, but he abused your trust and thus undermined the whole thing: that's on him 100%. And even if he wasn't getting emotionally involved with her or going outwith the rules ye had, the fact that you were mistrustful of him should have made him want to back off and spend more time working on the two of ye, at least temporarily. The fact he went in the opposite direction means that either he was already too emotionally invested in this other girl - something he should have raised and/or dealt with before it got to that point - or that he wasn't interested in putting you and the relationship ahead of his own wants.

    Sex as a surrogacy for intimacy is never going to end well. I went through a period after a bad break-up of sleeping with pretty much anyone who'd let me, just because I needed it. And, for a time, it was good, because it gave me what I needed, but after a while I felt like you say, just more lonely and longing for someone to connect with on a deeper level. The big risk at this kind of point is getting a boyfriend just for the sake of having a boyfriend. You're liable to sell yourself short because you're so distraught at the thought of being alone for any longer that you'll pour your heart into the first guy that'll give any semblance of a connection.

    I found the best way was to stop looking; as Dee says, grab hold of that 'me' time and learn to love it. If you're not interested in casual, then talk to this chap. Either you see a real relationship with him, and you can talk about exploring that, or he's just a comfort filler, in which case you're better off stepping back and trying to find a way to be comfortable by yourself. It's not fun, and it's not easy, but in the long run you'll have more hope of finding a loving, equal relationship if you spend the time getting yourself into the right headspace for it. Cliched though it is, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you. And you do seem to be holding onto a lot of baggage over this past relationship (you see that yourself). You have to give yourself time to grieve it, and while you'll never forget it or be above hurting from it, get over it to the point where you aren't just looking for a replacement for the void he has left. However, if you do still want to date casually, then do go for it, but make sure you work on seeing the alone time as a positive space for you.

    Just believe, whatever you do, that you are a wonderful person who is fabulous company, and why the hell should you not want to spend time with such an amazing person? and remember that friends are there to fill that gap when you genuinely need another person to connect to: talk to them, maybe even have them stay over now and then if you're feeling especially lonely, and let yourself rely on them to be there for the support and comfort we all need at times. x

    1335315438
    wettongues [sign in to see picture]
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    Dee and Doorglass I think your both wrong, you risk your heart when you give it to anyone, monogomous or poly. Doorglass by your comment you obviously don't understand poly very well. I expect I have felt the same deep hurt from loving one bloke and being dumped as this young lady has. It doesn't make her feelings any less valid, and certainly shouldn't be given the 'well you put yourself in that position' lecture.

    Personally, I would be trying to find out why I felt like this when I was single. I do believe if you aren't happy by yourself then why would being with someone else make you happy, and sure as hell why would you make them happy. how about doing things that make you happier when not at work? so that your not on your own and your building your own conficende rather than relying on a bloke to be doing these things. You are a lovely lady, and have a fantastic energy about you! you must use this to your advantage. Go out make friends, flirt and build up YOU!! Your Pic shows you are capable of doing it!

    Could it be that you feel down after coming home from this bloke because either there is a connection that needs to be explored more, or that there isn't one and your just scratching an itch rather than feeing the connection. I think if I was feeling down after sex I would stop having sex with that person, at least for a little while to see which way it was, I think you already know tho :)

    I think you have been hurt, and hurt badly and that any new relationship will be slow to blossom whilst you feel this. I don't think it was your fault at all, I half expect you considered the prospect and thought your relationship with this bloke was strong enough to weather any tide or other person coming in. I believe your more disappointed and angry with yourself over anything this ex has done.

    You're stronger than you think, you stepped away when it would have been easier to stay and that takes balls of steel and a tonne of front! I know, I've done it too.

    Just pick more carefully next time and go with your gut instincts

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    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
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    wettongues wrote:

    It doesn't make her feelings any less valid, and certainly shouldn't be given the 'well you put yourself in that position' lecture.

    I wasnt trying to lecture Lilac.. who am i to lecture but this is a forum to advise and help and i was giving my opinion which i am entitled to but i did state` there is a risk' of your partner falling for another.. neither of us suggested lilacs feelings were not valid because it was an `open relationship'.

    I certainly wasnt blaming lilac at all for the breakdown. Her partner broke that trust. I am pretty sure most of us have been hurt in one way or the other in relationships.

    Time is a healer as is having lots of good friends close to hand.

    1335384591
    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks :) I am just not in a great situation overall as I had to take some time off uni being ill, but because it wasn't a disability I wasn't entitled to any money from anywhere and got evicted so I'm just staying with a friend and finishing off my work placement. Most of my friends have moved away as they all graduated in November and I'm in a new town where I don't really know anyone. Because I only have half the amount of hours to complete for my course I'm only getting £190 month to pay for everything. My dad has helped me to keep my car on the road and I'm due to finish work placement in 5 weeks. I'll still be classed as a student and not entitled to anything until August so I'm just hoping I will be able to get a job. Got no money to do hobbies etc and not many friends to do things for free with. I've been through some bad breakups and I've always bounced back until now. I was never jealous of the sex in the open relationship I enjoy 3somes etc and it was agreed at the very begining of the relationship. I was jealous of his attention and feelings towards the other girl because I was working and at uni and she was going round and spending the day with him- because he was only doing a few hours and she wasn't doing anything.

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    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    I just want to pick up something in your original post - you said "we agreed to an open relationship which I wanted". Can I ask - it sounds as if the openness was primarily your idea. Is that right? If so, what was your reason for wanting that?

    1335467755
    lilac_vix [sign in to see picture]
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    I wouldn't say it was primarily my idea, I was just making the point that it wasn't something I did unwillingly. Given the context that we met on the fetish scene and that we were both interested in threesomes etc and that we discussed early on and he said to me that he was at a stage in his life where he wanted to try new things etc and we said the relationship would be open to having sex with others but we would check with each other first and stay safe and it would primarily be something we did as a couple (ie swinging). I am interested in all those things and I have experienced a lot of them but I want to do it with someone I can trust by my side. I find it a real turn on to watch my partner with someone else, and also that they can have anyone but they come back to me feels special- apart from when it didn't happen!

    1335608191
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    My experience of poly is limited to a friend who, for reasons far too complicated to explain here but made complicated by the impossibility of divorce for devout Catholics, was in a long-term polygamous relationship. As a complete aside it was totally weird the first time I visited his house (not knowing anything of his domestic arrangements) and spent half the evening trying to work out which woman was his wife and guessing wrong!

    While some blokes probably think it would be a great situation I have to say it didn't work out well for him with a nervous breakdown, alcoholism and the loss of his career thrown in. It seems to me that trying to run a relationship as 'open' from the start has to be difficult. I'm sure long-established monogamous relationships can add swinging to their repertoire and have the established bond hold firm. It seems to me that a new relationship may very well not have the strength of bond needed to hold when one or other partner has the opportunity to be very intimate with someone they may then find extremely attractive.
    1336011145
    Syd [sign in to see picture]
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    wettongues wrote:

    Dee and Doorglass I think your both wrong, you risk your heart when you give it to anyone, monogomous or poly. Doorglass by your comment you obviously don't understand poly very well. I expect I have felt the same deep hurt from loving one bloke and being dumped as this young lady has. It doesn't make her feelings any less valid, and certainly shouldn't be given the 'well you put yourself in that position' lecture.

    Personally, I would be trying to find out why I felt like this when I was single. I do believe if you aren't happy by yourself then why would being with someone else make you happy, and sure as hell why would you make them happy. how about doing things that make you happier when not at work? so that your not on your own and your building your own conficende rather than relying on a bloke to be doing these things. You are a lovely lady, and have a fantastic energy about you! you must use this to your advantage. Go out make friends, flirt and build up YOU!! Your Pic shows you are capable of doing it!

    Could it be that you feel down after coming home from this bloke because either there is a connection that needs to be explored more, or that there isn't one and your just scratching an itch rather than feeing the connection. I think if I was feeling down after sex I would stop having sex with that person, at least for a little while to see which way it was, I think you already know tho :)

    I think you have been hurt, and hurt badly and that any new relationship will be slow to blossom whilst you feel this. I don't think it was your fault at all, I half expect you considered the prospect and thought your relationship with this bloke was strong enough to weather any tide or other person coming in. I believe your more disappointed and angry with yourself over anything this ex has done.

    You're stronger than you think, you stepped away when it would have been easier to stay and that takes balls of steel and a tonne of front! I know, I've done it too.

    Just pick more carefully next time and go with your gut instincts

    Please read my post again.

    There was no lecture given.

    No "you have put yourself in that position" comment.

    Just my own perspective on that strange and unusual type of arrangement.

    If it was not strange and unusual, it would not be being discussed as a strange and unusual arrangement.

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