• how soon to try again after miscarriage?

    1332803355
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Those of you that have read my previous posts will know that I have recently battled with endometriosis and decided to try for a baby with my oh before it comes back and is too late. Gynae gave me 18 months after my op which is fast approaching a year almost already!

    I discovered I was pregnant late jan but I miscarried almost as soon as I found out a few days later in early feb. I now want to try again, but I am so scared it will happen again, or maybe happen further into my next pregnancy and be all the more disheartening. I have read the risk is higher if previous m/c is in your medical history but the chances of it being ok next time around are higher than the chance of a recurrent m/c. But this fails to put my mind at ease. I was 5 weeks pregnant when I m/c. I want to and sort of feel ready to try again and so is my oh (I think I should be/feel ready), but not only am I scared in case it may happen again, I feel I am somewhat still trying/maybe struggling slightly to come to terms with it, I have blamed myself, been upset, angry and in denial but now I have fianlly accepted it's true what has happend as I was still convinced I was pregnant and took further tests after the hospital and early preg unit, but I cannot help keep thinking what could've been?! Everywhere I go I see babies and/or other pregnant women and it gets me down, or I feel envious.

    I am scared that if it does happen, it will almost be near impossible for me to deal with and come to terms with again, I am a strong person but I don't feel as though I would be strong enough emotionally to overcome a second m/c. My oh has been good, but he says it just wasn't meant to be this time and it will happen again and that it's not my or our fault or anything we did/didn't do. I don't see this as any consolation and to be quite honest I don't feel I have had too much support from him over it. I feel he was too busy trying to stay strong for us both and that I could not show too much emotion about it myself, I don't easily show emotion anyway, but my oh is good at reading me and knows when I am not happy, but this time he failed to notice or act upon it. I keep on thinking how many more black clouds are going to come and hang over me before something finally goes right and works itself out?

    .After all, hasn't my battle with endometriosis been enough to deal with and bad enough luck as it is?! I suppose I should consider myself lucky I have any short term fertility left?!

    So, how soon is too soon or not soon enough? I know there's no set or right or wrong time, it's about what is right for me, but I don't know? I don't feel I've fully moved on, my family and oh think I have and I want to move on and want to try again, I know I can't live in the past, but I feel like somethings holding me back. And if I do fall pregnant again, I can never forget what happend, that little life, but I feel I'd be seen as silly for remembering something that wasn't if that makes sense?

    I never got the scan I was promised by a&e at the hospital for when they booked me in at the early preg unit to confirm my m/c. The early preg unit just judged and assumed based on my symptoms, and then a neg pregnancy test with a blood hcg level of 8 that I had in fact miscarried. They said at 5 weeks nothing would've been seen so a scan was unnecessary and would be a waste of time, the female gp was very unsympathetic then looked at me after delivering the news, like she expected me to break down and cry when I had already prepared myself for the worst anyway, my oh just looked at me and asked if I was ok? Um... well actually NO, I'm not ok! At the hospital when I rushed into a&e with my bleeding they told me they would see a sac there on the scan at the early preg unit if it was viable. I feel I was just robbed and fobbed off, I needed it to provide some sort of closure.

    1332805884
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello lovely lady. I can't tell you what emotionally you can deal with, only that I know we can sometimes deal with much more than we feel we can.

    For some women it helps to know what "milestones" there are during a pregnancy (as you said, your doc said there would be nothing on the scan - it may help to understand what exactly existed at that stage) but some women find that harder to bare. Everyone deals with things differently. One thing I will say - if you do try to get information on these milestones; avoid emotive anti-abortion information (they've been shown to use information that is scientifically wrong and I definitely think it would upset you a lot more).

    Another thing I will add is that pregnancy is really difficult any way - most women will lose a fertilised egg long before they even realise it's fertilised. Our bodies do everything against falling pregnant as a natural defence mechanism. I don't know if that helps at all, it might be comforting to know it's not your fault, you've done nothing wrong it's just nature.

    I understand you're stuck because you have a "time limit" so to speak but you also absolutely have to move at your own pace.

    Maybe it would help to look into what the alternatives are? Surrogacy, IVF etc. Maybe that would help take the pressure off and allow you to move at your own pace without the stress of having to be quick?

    It's hard to suggest things that may help you and I know I can't understand what you're going through but I do sympathise; I do have similar fears with my own suspected endo - the thought of infertility truly terrifies me and I do wish you all of the very best and I can't imagine much worse than what you're going through. Don't feel like you shouldn't grieve - don't feel like doctors think it's only 5 weeks so you should be ok - they are desensitised to things like this as they see it so often; only you know what you need. Put yourself first sweetie :)

    I hope you get some comforting advice from women more in the know than me, I just wanted to offer my kind wishes.

    *Hugs*

    Adxx

    1332806443
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Ad, thank you. I just feel so numb. I just don't know what to do? I want to move on and try again as I feel if I keep hanging on to the past, I will never move on and try again. Not long after it happened I found it so difficult coping but even harder trying to curb my emotions. I cosidered seeing my gp for some counselling or tablets or something, I wasn't eating or sleeping well either. But thankfully I didn't and have come a long way since, but still every now and then I find it creeps up on me and I feel all emotional and teary eyed. It's so unfair, you see these young girls barely adults themselves with babies, and silly people who do not deserve to earn the right to be parents, and yet theres people in my situation, or even worse-complete infertility. It's not right. I told my oh, we will try again but if it happens again then that's it, I'm not going through it again. You could be never ending trying and hoping each time, only to be let down and be a failure once again.

    x x

    1332807667
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Some people think I'm negative but I tend not to hope something good will happen until it's guaranteed. It's not something that's easy to do when there's life involved though, no matter how conservative you are about any positive tests, you can't help but hope you will go to term so it's always going to be heartbreaking if you don't.

    It isn't fair - but life generally isn't unfortunately. Often the risk of not having something is the thing that makes you realise just how previous that something is. Some people will take for granted that having children is easy no matter how sensitive they try to be because they've never experienced that fear.

    It sounds like maybe you still might benefit from speaking to a counsellor - I love the quote that goes something like:

    Depression is not a weakness, it's a sign you've been strong for too long.

    Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to ask for some support and maybe support from someone outside of the situation would help :)

    Other than working through the grief - there isn't a lot you can do; you're doing everything right and it seems you are deserving of the best situation but if that doesn't happen maybe you can help yourself to realise it's not the end of the world - I know it does feel like it, I do get that even if I can't imagine how it feels - but there are things you can try, surrogacy if scar tissue is the problem, IVF if it's egg reaching womb that's the problem, adoption if all else fails. It seems to me you will make a fantastic mummy and there are so many children who are desperate for one - if all else fails maybe you can give your time to helping a little boy or girl who needs a family :). As you mentioned - there are many parents who don't deserve kids, but kids who do deserve good parents and maybe you can give a child that :)

    I know it's hard but hopefully you can take the pressure off yourself by thinking about the alternatives, it's not accepting the worst by thinking about the backups but it might help get you into a more positive frame of mind.

    Adxx

    1332850992
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi mamanda, I have been taking all the supplements since I stopped mirena in december so I am doing something right at least. I was taking preganacare supplements and then had the m/c so I canged and am taking the centrum pregnancy + omega 3 now, they seem to be better.I was also told by the hospital that m/c in first time pregnancies can be as high as 50%, for what consolation it is. why do they think handing out statistics is going to make people feel better? we are not going to just turn around and say 'oh well, never mind then, sh*t happens!' are we?!

    xx

    1332860879
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you. Well, I'm remaining hopeful and in a positive frame of mind. aunt flo arrived today, and I can officially say that it's all back to my normal 27 day cycles, so am looking forward to trying again this month with the oh. It's changed somewhat now though, although it's normal for my periods and their flo ect... the bleeding is very much like when I had the m/c which wasn't like it before the m/c. Sorry if tmi, but I am referring to long strings of blood coming out when I go to the toilet- (urinate I mean) I only noticed this during my m/c and it still happens like this now when I bleed and it quite freaks me out, although I don't sense it's anything to worry or be concerned about.

    Fingers crossed if we conceive this month that this one sticks!

    xx

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