• Domination - a bit one sided

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    Gatecrasher [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a girlfriend who has been dating a guy for about three months. She mentioned something to me which I feel a bit uneasy about.

    Her boyfriend is into bondage, but only her being tied up. He has refused to be tied up or blindfolded himself.

    Personally I have always thought that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and I would never expect my partner to be subjected to something that I wouldn't accept myself (genitalia permitting).

    The fact that she has mentioned it to me shows that she has some issues about the situation.

    Is this a bit weird?

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    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I think that it depends on the dynamics of the relationship, and whether or not you are both happy with it.

    In 'normal'; relationships you would expect it to be a bit 50/50 (probably) but in more Dom/sub relationships you often find that one person takes the role of Dominant over the other partner, be in 24/7 or just in the bedroom, although sometimes they choose to switch and take turns.

    It is basically a case of what works for them and if she is not happy then she needs to speak up and let him know she is not happy, relationships work both ways. Our relationship is very like that, my Oh is very much a Dominant but I am more than happy with it as it works for us.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Not really that unusual - some people are totally dom and some are totally sub (and many more are switch). Whether you're one or another isn't a problem so I wouldn't say that's the unusual part.

    What your friend may be picking up on is him digging his heels in - if he's being really stubborn about the issue and doesn't like talking about it it could be indicative of a few things for example

    1) he may have some big insecurity about it - to me issues like this need talking a relationship especially one moving into sub/dom territory which is especially reliant on trust for enjoyment/relaxation

    2) he may be really closed minded - again, possibly not a plus point in a relationship

    3) he may be too controlling - there's a difference between dom and control and if he wants to control how she feels in a relationship without her consent then there's a big issue!

    He may have tried it already, figured it's really not for him and be comfortable in his own "role" in a sub/dom relationship which is fine, but he should be willing to discuss, explain and explore this with his partner. If he won't - I'd argue there's an issue there that needs resolving before sub/dom play is entered.

    I also think it's important to outline that just because he won't play sub, doesn't mean there's not equality in the relationship - things don't have to be identical to be equal and if members of the relationship are happy and putting equal effort in then it shouldn't matter but sub/dom play often needs lots of talking about before hand to outline boundaries and work out what each member is happy with.

    Adx

    1326320034
    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    i agree with boobaloo.

    Some people like to be the dom and refuse to act on anything like a sub would. If she's uncomfy with it, then she needs to say it. I have no issue with a guy being fully dom, not bothered if the role is shared.

    1326321941
    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    Personally, I don't read too much into the one-sidedness; I'm far more concerned about the implication that your friend has some issues that she isn't articulating to her partner (and which, presumably, her partner either isn't aware of or is pretending not to notice).

    It's clear that your friend's partner has a kink for expresssing his dominance, but that doesn't mean that he makes a good Dom. I'd suggest that the most vital qualities for a Dom are good communication, understanding the needs of their partner and taking care of these. In any case, it sounds as if your friend isn't entirely happy about regularly having to take a sub role.

    I think it's up to your friend to decide what she wants out of the relationship and whether her partner's bondage games can be an acceptable part of that. If not, then she needs to speak up. At the very least, I suggest that she ensures that there is a safeword in place which her partner clearly understands to mean "stop right now!".

    I'll admit at this point that I do like the concept of tying up my wife and playing sensory deprivation games with her (I'm quite imaginative!). Having tried it several times in different ways, though, it's clear to me that my wife just isn't comfortable with the idea. That means in turn that I don't enjoy it either -- it's no fun if you're not both having fun. Fortunately, this isn't a compelling need for me, so it's not an issue for our relationship.

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    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    Aye, people can be happy to play either role, or solidly set on only one side. You'd have just as many folk who are unwilling to be the dominant party, insisting on always being the one tied-up and done-to. So no, it's not weird in and of itself that he enjoys dominating and doesn't enjoy submitting; it's also not weird that you're comfy with the idea of playing it turn-about. Just individual preferences is all.

    However, as you say, her mentioning it could indicate she's not as keen as he. Maybe she was just gossiping about her love life, no hidden agenda, and is quite happy with the set up. But can't hurt to talk to her about it and see if she really is a little concerned.

    In the same way that we can't condemn him outright for considering himself "pure dominant", so too can he not be miffed if she turns around and says that that doesn't work for her. Whether it's that she's not into it at all, or that she wants to her her fair shot in, if she keeps her mouth shut, it will all go wrong, regardless of how good his intentions may be. Tell her to talk it out with him now. If their paths are too different, then better they end it rather than wasting time and energy being frustrated at the other person's unwillingness to change. And maybe he'd be happy to at least try things her way, even if it is just to humour her and not a desperate need to submit. But they do need to be on the same page, whatever's going on, and that won't happen unless she talks to him candidly about it.

    One thing to be wary of is not to let your opinion of how it "should" be colour her view. Maybe she seemed weird talking about it, not because she's unhappy, but because she knew you'd disapprove? If you want to help her, then you do have to accept that this is something that can work for people, with both sides being happy, and is in no way lesser or more iffy than your switchy way. Try to be as impartial as you can, assure her that you don't judge or suspect the set-up as it is, as long as she's genuinely happy with it. And try to trust her answers, don't look for signals where there are none. If she says it's fine, and you're still not sure, then better you show that you trust her judgement and are happy for her, and let her know you're there, as that way if it is all a bit fishy, she'll still be happy coming to you for help when she's able to: pushing her when she doesn't want to say anything's wrong will just make her feel like you'll be thinking "told you so!", and feel too embarassed to bring it up again until things are REALLY bad.

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree that one sided domination is perfectly normal as is being switch, but both partners need to be happy with the arrangements. If they are, I would not be concern about it.

    On the other hand if one of them is not happy, then they should talk to the partner. but the fact that she said it to you may not mean that she is unhappy. Some people like to talk about sex lifes and maybe address something new, if you talked about it in the past. But necessarily not because they are unhappy with the situation. You would have to ask her if she likes it or not. Also when I wanted to talk about one issue in my sex life few years ago, as I found out I like spanking, I felt incredibly shy about the issue and was scared my friends would look down at me with disguist. So she may fear your reaction too, I have to agree on this with BB. If she is happy, then you will have to accept it.

    If she does not, then she should talk to her partner and both should listen to each other concerns. There could be many reasons why he is this way, including hurted trust in the past, but something as simple like he is naturally dominant is also possible. Then it would depend on them, how they solve the situation.

    1326873985
    Gatecrasher [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the replies - some are a bit more reassuring.

    The fact that she mentioned it to me indicates that she is not quite comfortable with the situation. Normally she is pretty private on sex stuff.

    So far I haven't given her my opinion or advice, but she clearly has some doubts at the back of her mind, I might just tell her to listen to her gut feeling.

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I can understand if she is not completely comfortable with the situation, especially if she is new to it, although this can be for many reasons. To be honest, I remember how frightened or even disgusted with myself I was when I found out I like to be spanked! I am being honest with this. I am really disgusted with myself. it took me months to actually accept it and let myself enjoy it. And I talked to people about it just to get some reassuring that it is actually ok to like it, that it is part of myself.

    I think you need to find out before giving any opinion or advice where she stands. Is she just unsure about it? Because she thinks it is wrong to enjoy it? Or because it is too soon for her to get this far in sexlife? Or does she not really like it. When you know this, then it would depend on that on how you should proceed. If she is just unsure if this is right, I would tell her that it is, as soon as she is happy and comfortable. If she is not, than she should talk to her partner. If he respects and cares for her I am sure he would take things more slowly and let her get used to her wishes.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with the lovely Laveila.

    Submission is really taboo - we're told we (women) shouldn't let men dominate us, we should be feminist and and stick up for ourselves. We shouldn't do something we don't enjoy *just* for men and why would we enjoy submission - it's just plain wrong!

    Except it isn't - it's a natural thing to enjoy and as has been mentioned above, it can be enjoyed as part of an *equal* relationship.

    Of course it's even harder for men to admit enjoying submission but that's another matter.

    So she may feel uncomfortable because secretly she likes the idea - and she's come to you to gauge if it's "normal" or "acceptable" for her to like it! I'd tread carefully - let her feel comfortable in talking to you and secure that you won't judge her. Keep an open mind and encourage her to open up and tell you what she's worried about.

    Adx

    1326936370
    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    we should be feminist and and stick up for ourselves. We shouldn't do something we don't enjoy *just* for men

    And as an aside, imagine how hard it is for a man to figure out whether he's oppressing or liberating the woman in question! Communication is the key - open, honest, non-judgemental and encouraging.

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    [suspended user]

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    yeah every time i slap the oh arse or body pars she cry's out i'm not sure if it's in pain or enjoyment half the time

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    My partner claims that he can hear it in the way I cry. So he would know immediately if it is pain or pleasure. I apparently sound very different in each situation.

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