Can't masturbate, Won't masturbate...

Thought i'd run this one by some other folks, just for an opinion...

My wife and I have a varied and fun sex life, and within limits, will have a go at most things once...as you do. Mutual masturbation plays a big part in foreplay, and i'd say its one of the best parts of our sexlife, although it has taken quite a while for me to 'work out' what my wife likes as she's not too communicative on that front but its been a fun journey.

I'm the total opposite, i'm vocal, and very feedback orientated and have tried to help her help me out in the bedroom by playing fun little exploring games to discover what 'hits the spot' and have recently asked her to consider showing me what turns her on. A two fold approach, one for educational purposes and secondly as I find the thought of her masturbating for me highly visually stimulating. She loves to have me go solo for her and put on a show, but is violently against her doing it for me, to the point of having an argument.

I'm flummoxed by her really violent reaction against it to the point I dare not even discuss it again for the possibility of cutting off any amorous intentions that evening as it'd pee her off intensely and i'm really, really confused as to why....a real head scratcher.

There are issues with self belief and to a point, some body dysmorphia but has anyone else got this 'red-line' of not doing certain, innocuous things, with or for their partner??

I wont go on top. It's a body image problem and also very physically straining and near impossible for me to manage it. Even the thought of it makes me shudder. My man would love it if I did go on top, and we tried it not so long ago, but it just ended in tears! (really!)

It could be a body image problem with your wife, but it sounds like there is more to it than that. Some people (men included) hate to masturbate in front of another person, and it is actually quite common. I used to be like that as well, but I'm much better than I was.

Having a violent reaction tells me that it is likely that your wife is highly against it, but she isn't really sure why, and instead of just saying "no" she is flipping out because she is somewhat frustrated with herself at not being able to do something. It may feel alien and wrong to her, but she may not be able to give any reason except that her head tells her no.

But it is also possible that it is down to a post-trauma, perhaps with an ex boyfriend or something deeply rooted in her psych? eg. being caught masturbating at 14 or something?

Self body image isn't the only reason for someone to have problems in the bedroom. Masturbation is a highly private and personal thing. I'd probably say that is about equal in popularity of reasons as self image for being unable to perform mutual masturbation.

I think perhaps you should talk to her, ask her if everything is alright. If she wants to talk about it or is able to talk about it, she probably will, in her own time. But let her know that you are there for her if she needs to talk about anything. It may be very obvious that you are there to talk to and you wife should feel comfortable about talking to you about anything, but just saying it will confirm it and will rest in her mind until she is ready to talk.

Though, I think you are right that you shouldn't try to bring up masturbation again for a while, it is obviously something very sensative for her, (more so than most) even if she isn't really sure why.

Try to find other ways to open her up in the bedroom. Asking her to talk dirty might help things along a bit, or ask her to press her breasts or genatalia on your body. It's can be a big thing to ask a woman, but if she obliges then it may help to boost her bedroom confidence and self image (if it is a self image problem.)

If thats a no-go as well then it is likely it is a self image problem.

You could try to entice her by inviting her to do anything she wishes to your body (sexually, of course) or use the technique my partner used on me - I'd ask what he'd want in the heat of the moment and he'd say "I don't know... What do you want to do?" The obvious reaction being "I don't know" to which he would respond, "well, if you don't tell me soon, then I'm going to stop." and in the middle of everything I clearly don't want him to stop. Even if I just vocally said that I wanted him to carry on what he was doing, that would be enough. Just to get me to open up a bit to him about my desires and sexual needs etc. It might work with you.

Anyway. Good luck and keep us posted on how you get on.

My wife and I have the opposite situation. She's quite happy to masturbate in front of me (which I greatly enjoy) but I feel uncomfortable about doing the same in front of her. I'd much rather engage with her in mutual masturbation, which we both find very satisfying.

I think there's a simple reason for this difference. My wife can readily achieve multiple or even serial orgasms so, if she wishes, then her masturbation can be a lengthy activity which we can then top off with me getting my way with her, which delivers a final satisfying climax to us both. If I go solo, though, then there's no way that I can last as long, and my wife is left afterwards with her own needs still unmet. Perhaps I'm missing a trick here, but it seems to me that "her first" or simultaneous action works much better for us both.

Incidentally, my wife wasn't always as relaxed as this -- far from it. When we were first married, she claimed never to masturbate and refused even to try it. Things changed very suddenly, though, after we had to spend a week apart. When we were reunited, I confessed to my wife that I'd been getting very hot under the collar because I had watched a porn video in which a woman masturbated in the bath, and I kept imagining my wife doing the same thing. That evening, I showed the video to my wife, who watched it with an uncertain expression on her face. When I asked her if she wanted to try the same thing, though, she said "no!" in a shocked way, so I left it at that. We tucked in for the night, but I sensed that my wife wasn't comfortable, and I cursed myself for upsetting her. After an hour or so of restlessness, my wife nudged me and said "I really need to do this". To my amazement, she then positioned herself on the bed and masturbated in front of me rapidly to a satisfying orgasm. As she did, I told my wife how beautiful and sexy she looked and sounded. She's never been shy about masturbating since then.