Porn in a Relationship

Yes, ok. Another porn related thread from me. I have had this problem before, but have been making a point of not wanting to know about it. I did a thread similar ages ago, I think, but I can't find it, and it would be closed anyway. Also other related threads are closed too. And I could really use some advice to save my sanity!

Me and my partner have been together for over 5 years now, but the same argument has popped up between us in the distant past a few times. I even left him for a few days over it. Since then I have simply turned a blind eye to it, not checking, not wanting to know or find out what he has been up to. But I have been given a bit of a shock when looking at the internet history only because my ear phones were plugged in to the laptop when I got up yesterday morning, and was curious as to what he was listening to that he couldn't have the sound up on. It was just music, for the earphones, (I assume?) but when I looked up the history I also found a list of web pages from the same porn website.

I was quite annoyed and hurt, but thought "nah, I'm stronger than this" and left it. But I looked at it again this morning, probably a very stupid thing to do, and pulled up the website. It is actually a cam girl website with loads of different feeds coming in and so easy to pick and choose what you want to watch!

Now, porn, fair enough. I'm not so prim that I will refuse to let him watch any porn. There were google searches for Bukkake, which is fine, I suppose. I watch Hentai which is a form of porn, and that gets me off, so I suppose it would be hypocritical for me to be so annoyed at him watching porn.

Best to explain. Back when our relationship started, we would watch porn together, which was great. But then one day I woke up from my slumber to find him only 10 inches away, jerking off to online porn. I was really hurt by that and since then, porn has made me feel inadequate when he watches it by himself. Then he had the cheek to ask me to clean his computer for him due to a tonne of viruses coming in from porn sites! So I cleaned it and I showed him the list of websites the viruses had sorced from. "Bigtitsxxx, youngchicgetscumshots.com" etc etc. in an attempt to embarrass him in to not doing it as frequently.

Well, it worked for a little while, but after we moved in with eachother I found he was dowloading porn on to the laptop. And also on his mobile phone. Again, a bit of porn is ok. He actually had a couple of rather tasteful clips, one in particular was a woman in bondage using a sex machine (hot!). But I actually walked out on him when I found a folder filled with "Teenage girl gets f*cked" and Teenage this and Teenage that, and 13yo this and that! Now that was horrible!

Now, I haven't found anything like that on there since, and he told me that it was just the way the website uses titles to try and 'sell' the videos. I seemed to manage to make him understand that this stuff was illegal, and even if it didn't have content matching the title, then it would still look really bad having such titles and tags on his laptop.

Anyway, that was all done and dusted, and I decided not to look in to it anymore for fear of being dissapointed. But as I said, I discovered this new website that is 'live' cam girls (I don't know how live they are, can't tell by just looking, have no experience with this sort of porn at all.)

But the web pages from this website on the history are a bit concerning. Why is he looking up Pregnant women? I can't even imagine him finding that sexy. It would seem he has been looking up this website for quite some time, and I can see that it is a free membership (how free, I'm not sure.) and I have little doubt that he has joined to be able to watch the live cam girls etc. But it is all so horrid to me. He is watching real people and getting off on it! It frightens the hell out of me!

In porn, even amature porn it is mostly acting, and nothing is really specified as being for one particular person watching, however with a live cam girl or even a pre recorded cam girl it feels a lot different to me, almost a form of cheating, because it is a 'real' person who is on a one on one with my man!

How on earth do I confront him on this! How do I save my sanity!

HELP!

I'm not sure what you can do to sort this out AA, it seems you've tried talking to him and explaining how it makes you feel but he still has the 'need' to view this stuff. It sounds to me as if he's addicted to it and the only thing I can see helping is for him to get professional advice and learning to control his urges. At the very least he needs to talk to someone about why he feels the need to watch so much porn. 

My hubby went through a stage of looking at porn for a couple of hours every night (and all that's associated with it). One night when he came to bed at 3am I got very annoyed, lost it and started shouting. I have to say I handled it badly as I was VERY pissed off, it wasn't as though we weren't having sex, usually 4 or 5 times a week at least, and it ended up with me shouting at him and calling him all the names under the sun. It is hurtful to think that they constantly need such stimulation, especially when sex isn't lacking. The next day after I'd calmed down I said I had no problem with a couple of times a week but every night was too much and I explained how it made me feel. Luckily he understood what I was saying and has drastically reduced the amount of time he looks at it. 

All I can suggest is to try and talk to him. See if *he* thinks he has a problem and try to get him some help. If he doesn't think it's a problem there isn't anything you can do other than either accept it until he realises it's too much (if he does) or call it a day if it' something you can't ignore. He could quite easily clear his browsing history and I wonder why he doesn't... perhaps that's a way of him seeking help, he wants to be caught on some level. Either that or he has no consideration for your feelings. 

Sorry I can't be of more help but I hope you sort it out. All the best. 

I think he is just lazy.

I don't think he is addicted to it as such, but I don't understand why he looks up these more obscure areas that I would never have thought of him to be interested like pregnant women.

What annoys me the most is that I am right here, yet he would rather sit and watch porn than come to bed with me. Makes me feel rather useless. I'm at a point right now where I'm thinking, "well, if I'm useless, then I might as well stop trying".

Our relationship is already on thin ice since New Years. He doesn't even talk to me at the moment, but I confronted him on being so silent to me yesterday and he just said that he was feeling ill.

I was really horny last night, so I made sure he went to bed with me and we did some stuff in bed. He got a hand/blow job from me while I pleasured myslef, but he came much earlier than I did and all he did was just go "aww" and told me to go to sleep when I complained that I wasn't finished!

I'm really, really unhappy. Espesh since our sex life/relationship seemed to be going so well just before christmas! (Even if he was watching porn then, which I'm now sure he was).

I really don't want to break up with him. I want to make this work, but I don't want to have to compete with some blonde bimbo on live cam!! I Shouldn't have to compete with some blonde bimbo on cam!

At the moment I'm just thinking, "screw it, if he doesn't want sex from me, he doesn't have to. We have a spare bedroom after all!"

Aargh! He is still in bed just now. He doesn't go to sleep until about 5am now. At new years, we had a massive row, and he said that he was staying up at night because he had problems and worries, but he will not talk to me about them. I tried to get him to open up last night but he just refused and said nothing was wrong. I sense a massive blow out coming very soon.

So uptight! I don't know what I'm to say or do when he eventually gets out of bed!

I know what you mean about how you're feeling, I felt the same way too. 

If he can't talk to you can he talk to someone else? It might be best if it isn't you or a friend anyway as he's not likely to get objective advice. He'll see what you say as attacking him, even though it isn't, and a friend will be tempted to try and smooth things over. He needs someone who will listen to him who isn't involved in the 'problem' and who can give him constructive/objective advice. It does sound as if he needs someone to talk to... so do you as you sound stressed out by all this..

Have you thought about going to Relate? They may be able to help, either talking to you individually or as a couple. Even if you can't get him to go with you, you could try going on your own and seeing if they can offer any advice on how to deal with him.  Here's their website

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html 

ATB.

Hello AA

from a male point of view, firstly I would feel exactly the same as you if my girlfriend was constantly viewing porn instead of sleeping with me.but could it be a depression/confidence problem?

Because, as you say, a webcam girl is almost like being with a real person but without any emotion.Also with porn you dont have to live up to anyones expectations or 'fail to perform'.

With porn being just pretend and not real,might be an escape from real life

Thankyou for the relate website. There is a live chat thing there. Will have to go back to it another day, but seems helpful!

He is awake and up now. Trying not to expload with anger!

I know plenty of men that find pregnant women sexy, I'm not kidding when I say I had 5 male friends ask me if they could sleep with me, during my last pregnancy lol

Some people have their 'likes', with sex and specific that they have to watch it somehow.  It's not a reflection on you at all, it's a desire of his.  After all, if you wasn't his cup-o-tea, he wouldn't be with you.

I'm not a believer in you checking his history because he had headphones plugged in, I personally think you do keep an eye out.  It's a trust issue, that needs to be addressed, at the end of the day, is this relationship going to last if you carry on?  Lets face it, he ain't going to stop watching porn,w hich means you ain't gonna stop watching him.

Sit him down for a chat, tell him again how you are feeling and that if he is going to do it, not to watch when you are there and to erase cookies/history in his browser.  That is the only way I can see this moving forward.  He's not got a problem, he's just a male with a sex drive.

Some guys watch porn as well as have a relationship a good one too ,if you don't watch it with him tell him to stop it .It seems the only way if you don't want to watch it with him.Or start watching some yourself see if he likes it?If you don't mind him watching it while your not there tell him to delete his history as mentioned before and then you can sleep soundly maybe ,and get him to come to bed earlier more often

I be in the same spot too! live webcams with other women? thats wrong sorry, but you need to confront him! To most ladies eyes they may think his "Substitute" them for you

I remember my  brother, had a large cache of porn mags under his bed and locked away too! but more then half the pages where stuck together!! but he bin them with he got an girlfriend!

So you should try and talking to him about it and take no $hit! it a Substitution in my eyes! But mild porn pictures does not bother me!

But the above has got it spot on, try watching webcams of bloke and see if he likes it, or tell him to delete his history!

 Um... I think perhaps this thread should be ignored now. I confronted him this afternoon and he was more suprised than I was. He was genuinly distressed about it and so we had a closer look at this web history together. I showed him this cam girl site with loads of pages in the history and he was astonished, for a moment he said it was a set up!

We traced down the dates and approxamite times this website was used and I agree, it doesn't add up. (middle of the day, times when I have used it etc). He told me he has been getting a lot of spam mail from some porno site aswell, and that he accidently opened one up a few weeks ago. 

What we think has happened is a virus has gotton on the computer by this site/email and I have seen this sort of thing before, everytime it connects to the internet it gpes through all the pages of the website for hits. A lot of sites get money from hits and especially since this one claims absolutely free membership and access to vids/cam girls. Also its a competative industry out there, and more hits make it look more popular/safe.

So that would explain why there are 24 pages in a row of searching through the list of vids (I would guess any normal person would have clicked on a vid or tried a different search 

 Ack! Post fail there.. Continuing..

before reaching 24 pages) also explains the pregnancy kink and the brunette speciality and stuff that didn't quite seem right for him.

I do believe him when he says he hasn't looked up any of this stuff. It was just a horrible shock to find such stuff on there.

With the virus, it only works in the background so you aren't aware of it happening at all, but I must admit I have noticed it running slower and an occassional pop up from windows telling me that I am using an exceptionally high usage of mb's.

I feel rotton for accusing him now, and he really wasn't very happy that I bottled this up for over a day, that I should have just asked him before getting wound up about it.

I also believe him when he says that he hardly ever watches porn now, and he said he would do that to me, that our past problems regarding porn did sink in.

That is the only evidence of porn on there, no downloads, nothing from other sites, no membership details to anything in his email. I'm not really the trusting type, but I do believe him wholly here.

Our bad patch is being patched up now, we have agreed to watch a nice film while cuddled together on the sofa. Have already bought the popcorn! :-)

 I must say, its a big relief now, after a rollercoaster of emotions, espesh with my haywire hormones with it being my time of the month. I'm utterly exhausted from all this. Am more tha happy just to move on past this. Hopefully things can go back to how they were just a couple of weeks ago.

xx

cool hope all goes well enjoy your evening

If he was looking for teenagers which he must have been I personally can not understand what men see in bits of kids playing adults and having anything on the computer that indicated a 13 year old would have immediately made me question him. Even if he said its just how they sell items etc I would have then asked you must have been searching for 13 year old to have one on your computer
I like porn and like you watch the "cartoon" porn as its quite funny and exciting.
I completely understand your concern. I would not be worried about him jerking off to porn or about the porn websites in general but this sounds like he's a bit addicted as he's hiding it from you. My hubby tells me when he's gong to jerk off. He takes the iPad with him for porn sites and goes into the bathroom. However my guy tends to do it less because he enjoys it but because he gets really backed up. We have babies to sex is not very regular.

 The teenage thing was ages ago, and I actually left him for a few days because of that back then. Since then, he says he has done very little, if he were lying I reckon he would claim he watches none at all. So because of the things he has said and the evidence of viral activity - not him, I do believe him.

So he isn't addicted to it, there hasn't been anything in his behaviour that suggests he watches a lot of porn either. It just really hurts to find such things, but I'm so relieved that it isn't what I thought, and he seems 100% genuine too. (after 5 years you can tell the difference between lies and honesty.) I'll admit he can be a bit selfish at times though, like last night with the climax problem.. but at least I can work on that.

As long as you feel sure and happy with the responses he gave that's all that matters.

 Oh, and there has been no teenage titles or porn at all that I have ever noticed. Just to clarify. It was a very serious thing, but he seems aware of his mistake from back then.

People make mistakes and they should not be expected to pay for them for the rest of there lives.
As long as your happy
I've been married for 6 years and very happily and there have been mistakes but you just have to keep moving forward.

Glad you've sorted it, hope you've done virus/malware scan to sort computer cos you have no idea what else it might be doing....

 Yeah, doing a full clean out of the laptop this evening. Our primary antivirus didn't pick it up! Gah! About to get the popcorn out now. Just been watching the news and having a good shout at the bloke on the telly saying there is no evidence of any danger with these PIP industrial grade silicone implants. Bloody rotting so and so's they are! But nice that things are rapidly returning to normal between me and him. *Feels all fluffy*

Emotional exhaustion has fully set i though. Think I'll have a snooze on the OH's chest!