how to discuss fantasies and turn on's with my wife

As the title says how do I aproach the subject without feeling embarrased etc.I am not overly confident but would like to spice things up a bit in the bedroom,nothing too heavy.

 If you feel embarrassed, that is OK. It's something that's different to you and it's normal to feel concerned and anxious about how your thoughts would be received.

Yes I am concernd about her reaction,as I don't want her to think I am a perv etc,she is very body conscious at the moment.but I feel embarrased about bringing it up,our sex life is non exixstant at the moment for one reason or another.but I don't want her to think I am pressuring her,how do I suggest things without feeling a fool.

I would suggest that before discussing your sex life together you should focus on helping her to feel more secure in herself. If she feels negatively about her appearance it could impact on many elements of her relationship. She may already feel that she is at risk of losing you and telling her you would like to change your sex life may aggravate any insecurities she already has.

Help her to feel more attractive and sexy, remember to tell her you think she's beautiful and tell her she looks sexy. Offer to take her shopping and treat her to things which help her feel better about herself, but don't focus on lingerie. A nice dress you can take her to dinner in will do wonders, especially if you remember to compliment her often. Confidence building shouldn't focus on sexuality, focus first on making her feel better in her everyday life.

I really wouldn't suggest urging her to change her sex life when she's feeling this way, instead perhaps try to focus on helping her to feel happy and comfortable enough to resume your regular sex life together and take things from there. :)

I do tell her how great she looks and how sexy I think she is,but nothing seems to work,I know life is difficult we lost her mum recently and we have a 4yr old as well.but even before all this it was quite rare to have sex,all I want is a bit of excitement,like I said nothing too heavy,maybe a bit of dressing or role play(I have a thing for nurses) or sexy lingerie,or maybe watching porn together.but I feel embarrassed and ashamed to ask for it.

Lovehoney - Hella wrote:

I would suggest that before discussing your sex life together you should focus on helping her to feel more secure in herself. If she feels negatively about her appearance it could impact on many elements of her relationship. She may already feel that she is at risk of losing you and telling her you would like to change your sex life may aggravate any insecurities she already has.

Help her to feel more attractive and sexy, remember to tell her you think she's beautiful and tell her she looks sexy. Offer to take her shopping and treat her to things which help her feel better about herself, but don't focus on lingerie. A nice dress you can take her to dinner in will do wonders, especially if you remember to compliment her often. Confidence building shouldn't focus on sexuality, focus first on making her feel better in her everyday life.

I really wouldn't suggest urging her to change her sex life when she's feeling this way, instead perhaps try to focus on helping her to feel happy and comfortable enough to resume your regular sex life together and take things from there. :)

This is all very well said.

An alternative or in addition to following the above advice is to go over to her, grab her by the hips, lift her in the air and exclaim, ‘Oh, you are so damn HOT!!! I feel like a porn star about to shag his lovely sexy juicy porn star!’.

Some women (and men) get surprisingly turned on by such a display of passion and confidence.

My OH is still a little shy doing this but I love to hear what turns him on ,I encourage him to talk a bout our sex life even if we are in the car together and he is now a lot more open.

I often tell him how sexy he is and how much he tirns me on and is so much more relaxed  with telling me how he feels

Today he gave ame a great sexy surprise by coming home for lunch, before arriving home he sent me a text asking me to be ready for him...he would never have done this when I first met him.

I would love to hear what turns her on,but don't feel confident enough to ask,also I would die if I told her I would like her to dress up as a sexy nurse and she refused point blank,as I have never expressed that desire before.

You should feel that you can express the things you want in the bedroom, just like she should be able to say no. Neither of you should take offence but you should talk about it and come to a compromise.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship, whether you are just dating or married. You need to be able to speak to her.
First though as something who after 2 babies is very self conscious about how I look, I would probe gently about how she is feeling, what her insecurities are, what you can do to help her get over them. You need to bring these insecurities to the forefront so you can deal with them before jumping on her. If she is anything like me it will feel like your just telling "me" I'm sexy to get kinky sex. So you need to help her by dealing with her issues first and forget about your needs for a while (not too long though).
Little things go a long way, send her texts saying how sexy she is and that you miss her when your not together (sounds corny to some but really helps build confidence)
Leave little notes in surprising places for her to read ie underwear drawer etc.
These little things help to sustain the romance and excitement all day for when you get home in the evening making her more susceptible in trying new things.

Oh and I forgot, my husband at the beginning of my self conscious faze used to buy me one white rose and one white lily every weekend and bring me breakfast in bed. He would lay the flowers on his pillow while he went downstairs to get the breakfast.
To me that was a nice touch, as I love white roses and lilies. I remember all these little things he did and still does to keep me feeling I'm in his eyes what I think I am. But be aware that at first she may rebuff your attempts, when my hubby started telling me how beautiful I looked that day or how sexy he found me I would go "yeh right, I have a mirror you know". But after a while I really enjoyed the attention and the feeling that he still wanted me regardless of how I saw myself.
Sorry for waffling
But I hope this helps you. Good luck

Thanks mumof2 that is really good advice,my wife says the same thing when I say she is sexy,she just shrugs it off.I know she is not happy about her body at the moment,but this has been the same for 4 years since our daughter was born,and I do find her really sexy she is only a size 16 but I think she looks great and would look even better in some nice lingerie etc.we have been married 11 years and our sex life has been pretty straightforward,missionary,her on top(my fave),and that's about it,I would love to try other things (positions etc).maybe in time it will happen,just don't know how to aproach the subject without her feeling pressured.I did buy her a gift card for la senza which went down ok but then I bought her some flowers and she said she perferred them to underwear and that she feels bad for not having sex as it is obvious I am not happy and she feels she isn't being a good wife.

Ok this now makes sense, been there done that. She is obviously feeling she can't do these things because she looks like shit, and feels the same way. You need to do this really softly as the underwear gift card although lovely will feel like pressure to her. Do small things, the smaller the better and this may take some time with a 4 year gap from having a child. A size 16 is large to her, I know that's exactly where I was and I felt massive especially if she is not used to that much gain. Start by the texts, little notes, odd rose or two- not big bunches of flowers, on your way home from work pop into a florist and get her a couple of blooms. Then try to add a couple of clit stimulators (for herself) not for you to use together. Get her used to her body first, let's her start seeing herself as a sexual being first before introducing yourself into the mix. The problem is she seems stuck in a rut, she doesnt like how she looks and feels and doesn't see a way out. And now to top it off she is adding guilt at how she is treating you onto her pile of doubt.

The fact that she told you, that your not happy tells me your not hiding your feeling very well and it's obvious to her your unhappy. Therefore shes taking that as if your not happy with her which will then lead to he's not happy because I'm fat, hes not happy because I can't dress nice, he's not happy because I can't go out cause I've got nothing to wear. This woman is me! Scary
You need to take the lead or this gap will get wider, my hubby was great when it started with me but he made some mistakes along the way and you have to expect that you will also. It's even harder when you have no one to speak to about this.
The problem is that although I totally get your point, I also understand her and unfortunately in this position it will not be resolved until you both start dealing with her self image problems, unfortunately for you, your job is now to council and guild her through where she is at. She needs to stop feeling guilty about you or this will get so bad that she will convince herself you are going to leave her and where her mind is right now she'll turn it into leaving her because of how she looks.
Self confidence and women are a funny thing, you either have it or you don't. I'm so impressed by the women I read on this site, they are so sure of themselves, so confident, on many occasions I've wished I could be like that. Unfortunately not all of us are

If you don't mind me asking,how did it work ou for you in the end,I would never leave her,we have been through so much in our marriage,we have lost 3 parents and nearly lost our daughter after she was born.I just feel it is about time we had time for ourselves and had some fun.

Funny enough we also nearly lost our first born, they left me to long and both our hearts stopped. Really right now it's working out great, don't get me wrong, I'm still cautious as its still early days for us from having the babies. Your wife has been left to stew in her own mind for 4 years and that's a lot of thoughts and anxieties.
it's getting better, we are now having sex after a 9 month ban imposed by me as I was fat. I started at 16 stone and now I'm 12 stone. That's from feeling better about myself, losing the weight became about me in the end and less about him. I started concentrating on what I wanted and stopped worrying aut what he wanted which at the time consumed my mind, gave me guilt and made me thinking he was cheating on me. I became so paranoid. Which is def not me.
When a person is so low it's amazing how many mind games they play on themselves

If she had girlfriends to speak to about this who are going through or been through similar situations that would benefit her immensely. I didn't so it became worse because it was all in my head and I had no one to speak to

Wow,thanks for being so frank and honest,I don't have anyone to talk to about this,I think my wife and I need to talk about how we are feeling and try to work something out between us,we have been through so much together I am sure we can get through this,just need to summon the courage to talk to her about it without her thinking she is letting me down.

Exactly, the main thing you have to remember is she will be blaming herself already. To get this out in the open my hubby took me out for a meal and casually dropped in the conversation how i was feeling and if I wanted to speak to him about anything. It really put me on the spot and gave me no hiding place as we were in a quiet restaurant without the kids. Therefore I could not use them as a buffer which I had been doing up to that point to refuse to open up to him

Now I'm looking on sites like this, my hubby bough all the toys before as I am quite shy, now it's me doing the buying and getting us to try stuff we had not done before and I'm even getting him more adventurous with himself as he never really used male toys and just used toys on me.
How the worm has turned lol

Stick to the basic rules for getting around this
Don't buy undies, even gift cards
Don't talk about sex, it will immediately put her on edge
Don't talk about weight
Don't pressure for results ASAP
The best words my hubby ever said to me was....well take it at your pace, let me know when your comfortable.
Do give little loving notes
Do send loving texts
Surprise her with presents-obviously don't skint yourself in the process, a present can also be handmade, the most wonderful gift my hubby did was a collection of photos of me and our babies in a journal. It was amazing and made me realise I made those beautiful amazing babies, therefore I'm not that ugly.
Try to remind her as time goes on the body she has now gave you the most joy of your lives (your precious baby)

I am covered in stretchmarks and everyone I now look on as a sign I have two amazing children and without them my body may still be perfect but my life would be empty