My sex life is like Starting a Fire.

 My sex life with the wife is like starting a open fire and Iam fed up of it let me explain.

First I have to collect the logs then chop sticks clean the fire get it ready light the fire then wait for it to get going and when its roaring its great and the all the work is worth it.

Now the wife 

First the idea of sex may be fun this has to be mentioned very early on to give time for the thought to sink in.

Then keep working on the idea for hours without over doing it.

Then she has to have a long bath.

Still not in the mood maybe we could watch a horny dvd (now these a little flame)

Now she's warmed up to sex

But when shes hot shes hot and we have great sex.

But to be honest I fed up of Lighting Her Fire all the time I would like mine lighting for once.

I would like her to want Love and Sex  with me without out me having to put the idea in her head first.

The nearest to comes to it is she somtimes wants a quicky which is a shame as I enjoy the build up and the time before having sex.

Bit of a rant sorry .  :-(

Yes i have talked about it to her,their  is a long list of excuss.

I always tell her how good she looks and how much i Love her every day.  

I don't like how you say there are a long list of "Excuses". Are they not really reasons?

Being tired, working hard, working late, being stressed, having trouble outside of the domestic life, having trouble inside the domestic life, feeling down or depressed, not eating properly, drinking too much alcohol, using drugs, trouble with medication and side effects, using hormone based contraceptive methods, etc etc. These really can all cause a Fire to need extra stoking!

Unfortunately, just telling her how good she looks everyday often doesn't cut it when someone feels down or lacking confidence with their appearance or other things. The ears do hear what you say, but the brain processes it as not being wholey truthful or that "How could he possibly feel that way about me when I don't feel that way about me."

If the problem is her confidence, then it can be really difficult and extremely frustrating to make her understand that you really do love and care for her. She may know you really care about her and love her, but perhaps there is some gremlin in the back of her head shouting "This is too good to be true! Don't believe it!"

This is of no fault of your own, but equally no fault of hers either. It is just the way her brain has become used to being programmed and needs a factory reset. :-)

I don't know what the actual problem is here, and I am jumping to conclusions with the scraps of info you have given, so I must leave it there until I have a better understanding of the situation from you for fear of giving you bad advice.

Oh wow at least you got that off your chest on here.Yes I agree its more reasons not excuses.

Some women can be quite embarrassed about their bodies and maybe also take a little longer to "get going", your wife obviously knows how to relax herself ready for great sex with you and has got into this habit.

I used to be exactly the same, as I was quite a shy person I had a routine and if my OH tried to change that routine it made me almost panic as I wasnt ready. I knew what turned me on.He always instigated sex every time as he was always way more experienced that I was, so it was easier.

But as i got older my hormones have gone mad, now its reversed, yay something great from hormones.

I think you have to talk to your wife some more you obviously love her, dont dismiss her "excuses" ?The maybe deeper than you think.

She may have some body issues, us girls always have them, but some more than others. But as Ive got older I have got alot more open and have talked to my OH, I really wish I had talked many years ago, i feel Ive wasted so many years.

Communication is vital in any relationship but often sex can be an awkward one with so many reasons.Try bringing up subjects of fantasies, maybe some roleplay ideas that you may want to try , ask her if she has any and maybe then mention you would love it one day if she surprised you, wearing something sexy. Does she like dresssing up, maybe say youd love it if you get home from work and find her dressed up in a naughty maids outfit or something similar.

Maybe try some sexy games from lovehoney , most of them you pick a card and have to do what that card says to the other person, there are so many varieties, that way its the cards telling her what to do (or something similar). The games warm things up and encouarge you to try new things.You also lose a bit of shyness as the game has told you to do that....touch the others nipples etc.

Have a look here and see what you think may suit the pair of you.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/fun/sex-games/

Im sure youl get plenty of advice on here , dont get angry its obvious you love her, and maybe they are not just excuses, they are obviously important to her.Hope this helped a bit.

 I knew this was coming.

I don't like how you say there are a long list of "Excuses". Are they not really reasons?

Being tired, working hard, working late, being stressed, having trouble outside of the domestic life, having trouble inside the domestic life, feeling down or depressed, not eating properly, drinking too much alcohol, using drugs, trouble with medication and side effects, using hormone based contraceptive methods, etc etc. These really can all cause a Fire to need extra stoking!

Iam the one who works over 50 hours a week doing shifts inc nights sometimes only 4 hours sleep

I am the one who's stressed Iam the one who has used a condom for over 20 years.

Iam the one who's tired and depressed.

NO Drugs

I do my bit i help with the kids do the washing do the ironing do the shopping do the best I can to make things easy for her and its good that I do these things so that I understand what she has to do.

The wife works 16 hours a week.

Where's the reset button?

No there's No one else.

I need my Fire stoking!

Blondii wrote:

Oh wow at least you got that off your chest on here.Yes I agree its more reasons not excuses.

Some women can be quite embarrassed about their bodies and maybe also take a little longer to "get going", your wife obviously knows how to relax herself ready for great sex with you and has got into this habit.

I used to be exactly the same, as I was quite a shy person I had a routine and if my OH tried to change that routine it made me almost panic as I wasnt ready. I knew what turned me on.He always instigated sex every time as he was always way more experienced that I was, so it was easier.

But as i got older my hormones have gone mad, now its reversed, yay something great from hormones.

I think you have to talk to your wife some more you obviously love her, dont dismiss her "excuses" ?The maybe deeper than you think.

She may have some body issues, us girls always have them, but some more than others. But as Ive got older I have got alot more open and have talked to my OH, I really wish I had talked many years ago, i feel Ive wasted so many years.

Communication is vital in any relationship but often sex can be an awkward one with so many reasons.Try bringing up subjects of fantasies, maybe some roleplay ideas that you may want to try , ask her if she has any and maybe then mention you would love it one day if she surprised you, wearing something sexy. Does she like dresssing up, maybe say youd love it if you get home from work and find her dressed up in a naughty maids outfit or something similar.

Maybe try some sexy games from lovehoney , most of them you pick a card and have to do what that card says to the other person, there are so many varieties, that way its the cards telling her what to do (or something similar). The games warm things up and encouarge you to try new things.You also lose a bit of shyness as the game has told you to do that....touch the others nipples etc.

Have a look here and see what you think may suit the pair of you.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/fun/sex-games/

Im sure youl get plenty of advice on here , dont get angry its obvious you love her, and maybe they are not just excuses, they are obviously important to her.Hope this helped a bit.

 Yep its been bugging me for a while and I did need to get it of my chest Sorry.

I know what your saying about the body thing I love here body and I tell her I like it with or without cloths and its not just to get sex.

She would never dress up unless I ask or its my birthday LOL she does have a couple of things to dress up in but they dont come out unless its xmas or birthday.

Trouble is when she does she looks Fantastic and  stunning.

I have asked her if there is anything she would like me to dress up in or do Nothing is the anwser.

I enjoy when we do get to it and the foreplay means a lot to me Iam not just after the pop at the end. 

Just because you have it tough doesn't mean she's not struggling with similar things. We all have different coping levels so those things can still be reasons for her rather than excuses.

I can see this issue from both sides:

I also need a lot of  build up to get in the mood but because I'm aware of this, sometimes I take time getting myself worked up so I can pounce on the Mr. So I'll read a kinky story in the bath or spend some time just thinking about sexy stories. Then I can give my fella the build up he needs occassionally. And sometimes I initiate sex when I don't really feel like it because I know I'll love it when I get into it.

Maybe you need to have a long chat about whether there are a few things she could try once or twice a month. Tell her you really enjoy making her feel good, but you'd feel incredibly sexy if she initiated on occassion. Don't make her feel pressured. Maybe you could buy her a collection of short erotic stories that she can use to light her own fire on occassion.

There's a lot to be said for planned sex - planning a night and sticking to it, agreeing to alternate initiation each time.means that you can just remind her that morning and she can think about it through out the day - make sure the first week is your "turn" and you can pull all the stops out, give her an idea of how she can initiate the folllowing week.

Communication is really the key, but offering solutions to her in a tactful way might be the best way to get the ball rolling if just talking hasn't helped too much!

Adx

I Wish wrote:

Iam the one who works over 50 hours a week doing shifts inc nights sometimes only 4 hours sleep

I am the one who's stressed Iam the one who has used a condom for over 20 years.

Iam the one who's tired and depressed.

NO Drugs

I do my bit i help with the kids do the washing do the ironing do the shopping do the best I can to make things easy for her and its good that I do these things so that I understand what she has to do.

The wife works 16 hours a week.

Where's the reset button?

No there's No one else.

I need my Fire stoking!

I don't want to make you feel like we're ganging up on you and blaming you, so please don't read this like that.  But is it possible that she has that exact same list in her head, making her feel guilty for 'sponging' and letting you carry all the weight?  When there's a clear imbalance, with one party doing more tangible work than the other, then not only with the working party - you - feel like they deserve to be taken care of, but so too will the less-working party - her - feel like they're failing if they can't give you the attention you've earned.  And, while guilt will make her want to do it, it will positively crush her libido.

I'm not sure how you phrase it when you do talk about it, but if you reference your lives and respective 'efforts', it's only going to make her feel like more of a failure.  Instead of diminishing her stresses - "only 16 hours", "I help with the kids", it's great that you help, but don't forget how draining kids and housework can be, and 16 hours on top of that is horrific to deal with, certainly not like she's sitting watching soaps and sipping cocktails while you slave away! - then recognise that you both equally have a lot to deal with.  It's a communal thing, you both need the kids taken care of and the housework done and the money brought in, so who does what in that massive checklist isn't a competition, as long as ye're both putting your all into whatever task you're at.  As long as you're looking at it as you both put equal amounts in, then it's easier to say that sex should be the same: you're not demanding that she initiate sex because she owes you since you did the ironing or something so tacky - and while I assume you won't say precisely that, it'll be in her head, trust me - then it's just a case of two equals who owe each other an expression of love for no reason other than they both love each other.

Remember, you're not wanting to convince her to do it because she owes you or because you deserve it, you want her to want to do it because she loves you and is attracted to you and wants to show that.

Alicia D'amore wrote:

I also need a lot of  build up to get in the mood but because I'm aware of this, sometimes I take time getting myself worked up so I can pounce on the Mr. So I'll read a kinky story in the bath or spend some time just thinking about sexy stories. Then I can give my fella the build up he needs occassionally. And sometimes I initiate sex when I don't really feel like it because I know I'll love it when I get into it.

...

Adx

The reality is that not all women would take this benevolent approach as you do Ad! Some will go even further,  to initiate sex because their partner will enjoy it and needs it. But many initiate sex only when they feel horny, only when they  need it or they believe they will like it. 

This is something I discuss with my OH too. If I sensed that  she needed a cudle, a snog, a shagg, whatever and ignored it, that would be hurtful and  I would feel bad about myself. It won't matter how tired I might be, I will be ready for her always. Of course, of course, we are men and our sexuallity is different. Yet, she may see me (literally see me/my dick up in the ceiling), and just walks away or turns the other side to sleep as if there is no man in the house!

Yes, I get frustrated because it is not occasional, but could happen more often than having actual sex. Of course, I understand and do not demand, but at the same time, some women and perhaps some/many men need to realise that sex is not about them but it is about the other person involved.

The Bible itself (sorry if someone finds it inapropriate to quote from it here) says that every man should have his own wife and every woman her own husband and both should not deprive each other of physical intimacy unless by agreement for a short while, etc , etc. It is the duty, the pleasant duty of each one to look after, cherish and make  the other person feel good(until death do us apart).

So, 'I Wish' it is a hard job at times, I know, but be positive and never nag about your fire! Talk to her to find out what she thinks and wishes and try to find common ground. If sex is seen as an oppressive duty, this would ruin many other aspects in your shared life! Good luck!

Quote

 Remember, you're not wanting to convince her to do it because she owes you or because you deserve it, you want her to want to do it because she loves you and is attracted to you and wants to show that.

That's it in a nutshell.

I dont nag Iam not one of those men who expects tea on the table when i get in and i dont nag I dont moan if the place is a tip or things have not been done.

The kids come first and they are draining and can wear anyone down we both love each other very much and have been in love since we met in 83 she was 14 and I17 Iam now 46.

Iam just getting it of my chest.Thanks

 I Wish it gets worse mate!

Jo wrote:

The reality is that not all women would take this benevolent approach as you do Ad! Some will go even further,  to initiate sex because their partner will enjoy it and needs it. But many initiate sex only when they feel horny, only when they  need it or they believe they will like it.

You forgot about the ones who don't initiate sex, even when they do want it, but expect their partners to take the lead all the time, know exactly what they want without being told and work without encouragement or praise for their efforts.

And then complain when they feel they've missed out on a chance.

. . .and a lot of the time you just cannot change a person into something they don't want to be into something you want them to be. A lot of the time people have to just live with it, be happy and make the most of things and enjoy what they do have.

Who has their perfect partner/lifestyle?

I don't but I am blissfully happy and content and grateful for everything/everybody and the balance (even if it doesn't lean towards me most of the time!) in my life :)

Ps- I'm 43, single divorced (big payout to ex) Dad of two. 19 year old and 13 year old. Paying bills, mortgage, daughters student fees at uni, come home from work (sometimes shifts, 12 to 14 hrs, do nearly all housework, cooking, washing, cleaning, putting clothes away, garden, decorating, shopping (thank god for online!) help kids with homework, do all the parents evenings, doctor, hospital, dentist visits, all that stuff and would just love to shag on demand (i have a beautiful, sexy as fuck partner who also has two foster children! I spend time with them too) but hey! I'm alive, healthy and there's loads of folk a lot lot worse off/ work harder than me!

Sorry but I just see "woe is me" I wish. I do hope you find what you're looking for fella. SG

 Things are never perfect in a relationship and there is always a compromise to be made.

I haven't had sex for 7 weeks and would love to initiate things but my partner just turns away from me. 

I appreciate your frustrations because I certainly have some of my own. 

The only thing I can say is to concentrate on the positive aspects of your realtionship and not dwell on the things you no longer have or would like to change. 

Ultimately the initiation may always fall to you because your OH may be uncomfortable doing that but in the end you do have sex which can only serve to make you closer.

I would happily initiate things for the rest of my life if it meant my partner and I were regular bed buddies but unfortunately that does not seem to be an option for me. 

Think of the good things and dont dwell on the negative.

LMF 

Iwish, I'm sorry you're having a tough time, it can be really horrible when your libido isn't lining up with that of your partner. I often suffer the same difficulty - I initiate sex much more often than my partner, and he's often too tired to reciprocate. I can be left feeling very hurt and unwanted and unsexy. We've discussed it and things are better now - I hadn't realised how pressured he felt, and every time he gently turned me down he felt like a failure for being too exhausted to play. In a different way, he was as upset by the situation as I was.

I think there's something inherently sexist in a lot of the replies on this thread. I'm really uncomfortable with this ancient myth that only men initiate sex. Some of the replies to your post seem to be sugesting that the reason for the problems you're having is the fact that your partner is female, and I object to that!

Iwish, I'd say don't get caught up in a who-does-what-for-whom competition or get tied into some kind of slanging match about who has more "right" to be tired and fed up. Nothing good will come of it and it certainly won't make either of you feel any sexier. Just talk to her about it, but I'd say be very careful about how you phrase it. I'd suggest not in terms of "I need more sex, I'm frustrated" because she'll feel like a failure and that will make it worse. If you couch it in terms of feeling a little unwanted and unsexy because she never initiates things. Then it's clear the issue is about your emotional needs not just a desire to get your rocks off, and as someone who loves you I'm sure she'd want to change that. If it's clear that the issue is an emotional one then it should be easier for her to see how important it is to you.

Good luck.

SS xx

SweetSubmission wrote:

Iwish, I'm sorry you're having a tough time, it can be really horrible when your libido isn't lining up with that of your partner. I often suffer the same difficulty - I initiate sex much more often than my partner, and he's often too tired to reciprocate. I can be left feeling very hurt and unwanted and unsexy. We've discussed it and things are better now - I hadn't realised how pressured he felt, and every time he gently turned me down he felt like a failure for being too exhausted to play. In a different way, he was as upset by the situation as I was.

I think there's something inherently sexist in a lot of the replies on this thread. I'm really uncomfortable with this ancient myth that only men initiate sex. Some of the replies to your post seem to be sugesting that the reason for the problems you're having is the fact that your partner is female, and I object to that!

Iwish, I'd say don't get caught up in a who-does-what-for-whom competition or get tied into some kind of slanging match about who has more "right" to be tired and fed up. Nothing good will come of it and it certainly won't make either of you feel any sexier. Just talk to her about it, but I'd say be very careful about how you phrase it. I'd suggest not in terms of "I need more sex, I'm frustrated" because she'll feel like a failure and that will make it worse. If you couch it in terms of feeling a little unwanted and unsexy because she never initiates things. Then it's clear the issue is about your emotional needs not just a desire to get your rocks off, and as someone who loves you I'm sure she'd want to change that. If it's clear that the issue is an emotional one then it should be easier for her to see how important it is to you.

Good luck.

SS xx

I whole heartedly agree with SS's and SG69's posts. 

 My wife is going through hormone changes right now,am like a dog in heat and the OH is not as highly sexed now as she was. We are getting through it by talking and trying to stay calm. My experiance i would say show lots of love and be paitent. It's the small things that women like,kissing,cuddles. Try that a few nights but don't have penitration. Bet after a few nights of intamite touching and feeling she will be melting in your hands. Good luck with things. 

 Hi

Thanks for tips and advice.

Its not about who does what its more about being wanted for a good time in the bedroom.

When we do have sex its great I would just like a suprise ever now and then where the wife is chasing me for sex and not me chasing the wife.

I know she's a thinker and sex is the last thing on the list if at all.

I always give plenty of cuddles and kisses tell here how cute and sexy she is.

She's a fantastic wife etc for burning my tea last night as she was on the  way out for a curry with a friend.LOL