Got a Problem. Not sure how to go about this one!

Hello folks. I have a bit of a problem regarding another man. I have had problems with this man for quite some time, but I thought it had been sorted, but last night I saw the man again and the things he said have sparked the problem off again!

Ok. Where do I start. The beginning would be a good place.

About 7-8 years ago a friend of mine started seeing this man who quite randomly appeared in town. I didn't like him. I then began to really hate him and I really don't like him much now either. Things between him and my friend began getting a bit strained. I kept trying to tell my friend to get away from this man as soon as possible, but she didn't. They are still "Together" now, but not. He is sleeping around and she has cut all relationship between them, but she still hasn't got the strength to go.

Back about 6 years ago, before I met my current partner, I was going through a really rough patch of heavy drinking/alcoholism, and terrible money problems/homelessness. I would pop round to my friends place during the day and have a cuppa with her man and wait for her to come home from work for a natter and a drink. But one day, I was in a bit of a desperate state for money and my friends man offered me £20 for a blow job. Easy right? It seemed so very easy for me at the time. Just a blow job.

Yes, I'm horrible,

It became a regular thing. I went round to his place before my friend finished work, and would get money/cigarettes/alcohol for having sex with him. I did feel rotton about having sex with my friends partner, but it was just so easy to get the things I needed at the time when I had hit rock bottom. Sex seemed very easy work.

This man is very, very good at playing mind games. Planting words in the things he says. He can twist any situation to make it work for him. This is why I really hated him, why I really wanted my friend to break up with him, why she is having difficulty to cut all ties with him (I assume because he can just make her come back to him with a single word). At the time of having sex with him, it seemed like it was the right thing to do because he would twist the situation to make me believe that, but afterwards I would realise just how wrong it was. But I would go back again because I would see it as an easy job!

I feel bloody rotton writing this. I'm worried about how this will read to you. Feel free to judge me as you wish, but I do know it was wrong, but it also seemed like a safe prostitution. He was willing to pay, and I was willing to get paid. Just had to do some nasty stuff to get there. I'm not saying the sex was bad, but the fact that he was with my friend was very wrong indeed. I am highly aware of that.

I wasn't the only one though. He bedded many other girls too. Including three friends who were also friends of this mans girlfriend.

When I met my current partner, I cut all ties with this man. Unfortunately, I ended up sleeping with him one more time while I was with my partner near the beginning of our relationship. It only happened because I was genuinly going round to see my friend, but was an hour early because I wanted to tell the man that it wasn't to happen again, and I tried as hard as I could to make it clear that I wasn't going to sleep with him, but again he managed to inject these mind tricks and we ended up in bed. After that I gave up and just refused to go near that man again.

Since then nothing has happened between us. My friend (as far as I'm aware) doesn't know about me and her man all that time ago, but I know she does know that he is a man-whore. But I cannot go to visit her because I'm too scared of having this dilemma with the man again. So I haven't.

I have seen the man down the street a few times since and we stop to chat. It's weird the way he manages to twist your mind. I think he is Derren Brown in disguise! When I see him ahead of me in the street I think "Oh no" but then when he stops to chat I just cannot break free from the 2 foot proximity bubble he seems to have around him! He just talks and I just end up being like his best friend to him! Nicey talk to be polite is one thing, but I end up laughing and joking around with him like I am his best friend, and then when I manage to get away from him and I walk away I realise just what a twerp I have seemed!

In all honesty, I think this man is dangerous! He doesn't work, yet he seems to have an endless supply of money. From the little info I have gathered it sounds like he has twisted his girlfriends family in to giving him life savings and more than his fair share of the wills!

Anyway. Nothing scary has happened in our little conversations down the street. A little bit of silly sex talk, but nothing aimed at me.

BUT yesterday I went to the doctors, and on my way home I bumped in to him and a friend of his. His friend is a great big 6ft 5 bloke and quite a sweetheart but completely brainless. If he was cleaner, I think he would have no problem finding a lady to look after him. He really is a bit dumb, but has a quirky and funny wit, which somewhat makes up for it.

Anyway, I ended up chatting to them as I would normally, pleasentaries, but finding that I cannot escape quick enough and conversations keep going. Sex was the hot topic.

To cut to the chase it ended with him telling me that I was the best he had ever had, and if me and my partner were ever to break up then I would be in his arms and he would never let go. He talked about all this and not just about the sex being great, but going on about how I was partner material, being a good listener, caring, sensative, everything that he would dream about but can never get because he just keeps shagging everything that moves, but if I were single then I would be the one he would want to settle down with, not his girlfriend!

I was a bit struck by all this. Yes, I knew he really enjoyed the sex we had, but I never thought I was 'that' good, and I certainly never thought that he would have a 5 year long crush on me! I looked at his friend who is honest through and through, and he confirmed it and said "Yeah, he has talked to me about this too. He says he misses you". Now if he has said the same thing in confidence to this friend of his, then he must be telling some truth in this.

But now I'm worried. What if he tries to make moves on me again? I couldn't bare to cheat on my partner, and I never would. But his mind tricks are so strong he can pull me towards him with out me even thinking about it. Last night it kept going through my mind, and I'm getting worried about seeing him down the street again.

What do I do? I can't just say "No", because that doesn't work, he just keeps going on about it, and the "what if's". I really am worrying that if his girlfriend does finally leave then he will try to pull me away!

 wow! thats such a huge thing! AA i dont judge you as a bad person and can completely understand the mind fucking. perhaps you should tell your friend about it? or if she is no longer really with him or doesnt have any affect on his life, perhaps tell your man he is harrassing you (he doesnt have to know what went on between you) its a hard situation to be in, and i hope it works out for you

Awww AA - really feel for you.

This guy is bad news and its a shame you cannot get away from him. I have known men like him.... but never been in a rship with one like him. Hes a player and he knows exactly what to say to twist the convo to meet his needs. This guy has already admitted he shags everything that moves. Sounds like thats all he wants and cannot ever be faithful.

Is there anyway to avoid going to town when he might be there? late pm or wkends?

He sounds like hes a charmer too - and very believable. But that type of man is dangerous and can cause all sorts of problems for you and your friend. I dont know the answer other than to steer clear. x

Hi AA,

I've read your post and one of my biggest reactions is that this bloke is consistently causing unhappiness in the lives of everyone he gets involved with. Whatever contact you have with him, keep it to the absolute minimum. He clearly cannot be trusted, so don't fall for any of his sickly charm and flattery.

My other reaction, more importantly, is that everybody has things in the past which they regret. It sounds like you have learned from your experiences, so you need not feel bad about it now. It also sounds like you were very vulnerable at the time, and this nasty bloke was clearly taking advantage of you when you were at a low point.

He's an evil manipulator; stay well clear of him. You should try to talk to your friend alone, arrange to meet her somewhere safe and away from him, and try to tell her what this guy has been up to, may be not all in one go, but it sounds like she needs to be protected from him too. 

It must have taken a lot of courage to make such an honest confession; don't feel bad about it, you can do something good about it now.

Best wishes

Postillionager wrote:

Hi AA,

I've read your post and one of my biggest reactions is that this bloke is consistently causing unhappiness in the lives of everyone he gets involved with. Whatever contact you have with him, keep it to the absolute minimum. He clearly cannot be trusted, so don't fall for any of his sickly charm and flattery.

My other reaction, more importantly, is that everybody has things in the past which they regret. It sounds like you have learned from your experiences, so you need not feel bad about it now. It also sounds like you were very vulnerable at the time, and this nasty bloke was clearly taking advantage of you when you were at a low point.

He's an evil manipulator; stay well clear of him. You should try to talk to your friend alone, arrange to meet her somewhere safe and away from him, and try to tell her what this guy has been up to, may be not all in one go, but it sounds like she needs to be protected from him too. 

It must have taken a lot of courage to make such an honest confession; don't feel bad about it, you can do something good about it now.

Best wishes

LIKE this. x

i agree with all the above but also am thinking that maybe you have a soft spot for him, i could be totally wrong but reading between the lines the way you kept going back to him and the way you go giggly around him just when chatting and you are already worrying in case things happen again and you are thinking of him last night and writing this, perhaps your feelings towards him are more than you think, sorry AA if offended but its just how i read it

illumine wrote:

 wow! thats such a huge thing! AA i dont judge you as a bad person and can completely understand the mind fucking. perhaps you should tell your friend about it? or if she is no longer really with him or doesnt have any affect on his life, perhaps tell your man he is harrassing you (he doesnt have to know what went on between you) its a hard situation to be in, and i hope it works out for you

I don't think telling my partner would be a good option. I know he needn't know about what has been going on, but telling him isn't going to make any difference I don't think. He has met the guy before, and he knows I don't like him nor trust him, but what could he do if I told him?

I can't see that telling him would make any difference.

Dee_licious333 wrote:

Awww AA - really feel for you.

This guy is bad news and its a shame you cannot get away from him. I have known men like him.... but never been in a rship with one like him. Hes a player and he knows exactly what to say to twist the convo to meet his needs. This guy has already admitted he shags everything that moves. Sounds like thats all he wants and cannot ever be faithful.

Is there anyway to avoid going to town when he might be there? late pm or wkends?

He sounds like hes a charmer too - and very believable. But that type of man is dangerous and can cause all sorts of problems for you and your friend. I dont know the answer other than to steer clear. x

I can't really avoid him. He doesn't work, so he kinda wonders down the street at any time. I try to avoid wednesdays down the main street because he tends to do his shopping then as his benefits come in then.

It is always rather random meetings with him. And like I said, once he has enganged me in conversation, it is very hard to just walk away.

I know he would never be faithful. He is definately not to be trusted.

My friend knows about his antics, and has known for a long time. I'm not sure why she stays with him. Perhaps it is security since he has money and can sort things out on the finances and domestic things like housing and bills and stuff like that.

Postillionager wrote:

Hi AA,

I've read your post and one of my biggest reactions is that this bloke is consistently causing unhappiness in the lives of everyone he gets involved with. Whatever contact you have with him, keep it to the absolute minimum. He clearly cannot be trusted, so don't fall for any of his sickly charm and flattery.

My other reaction, more importantly, is that everybody has things in the past which they regret. It sounds like you have learned from your experiences, so you need not feel bad about it now. It also sounds like you were very vulnerable at the time, and this nasty bloke was clearly taking advantage of you when you were at a low point.

He's an evil manipulator; stay well clear of him. You should try to talk to your friend alone, arrange to meet her somewhere safe and away from him, and try to tell her what this guy has been up to, may be not all in one go, but it sounds like she needs to be protected from him too. 

It must have taken a lot of courage to make such an honest confession; don't feel bad about it, you can do something good about it now.

Best wishes

That is a great post. Thankyou for this. I feel a bit better for posting this now. I was pretty worried about how it would come across.

It is a good point about him causing unhappiness for anyone he gets involved in. I know a few people he has been involved with and they all regret it and feel stupid for it, and like me, they haven't quite understood how it came to happen - it just did!

I know fine well that he is an evil manipulator. I knew that from the very start when I met him before we even got involved with eachother in that way. I tried my best to warn my friend about him, but she didn't heed my concerns and went straight on in to a relationship.

I did all I could to protect her from him, and I told her many times, I even offered her a bed at my place if she was to be stuck for a while if she were to move out! I even just offered her a bed for a night or two just to be away from him for a short while and give her a little time to straighten her head out, but still she didn't take up the offer.

He seems to be around her 24/7 and I cannot phone her because he is always there, listening in, asking questions after the phone call and finds out everything that has been said. Texting or emailing is worse because he reads them. I can't meet up with her because on the off chance I do see her, she is always with him and he never leaves her side when she goes out, and she works night shifts a lot of the time at work so it is very rare that I do see her. However, she knows exactly what he is like. As far as I can gather, they are not together anymore except for show for family and some other people. Behind closed doors he sleeps around now like he is single and she seems to have just given up caring, but wont leave the house.

I managed to pull her away a few months ago when I saw her with him down the street, just long enough to whisper that there is a spare room ready and waiting for her if she needed it and she was free to pop down for a drink or meet up or something and just to phone me if she needed to. She has my number, but she has never phoned and she has never come round.

So there really isn't any more I can do in that part of the situation.

rach74 wrote:

i agree with all the above but also am thinking that maybe you have a soft spot for him, i could be totally wrong but reading between the lines the way you kept going back to him and the way you go giggly around him just when chatting and you are already worrying in case things happen again and you are thinking of him last night and writing this, perhaps your feelings towards him are more than you think, sorry AA if offended but its just how i read it

 Sorry, but this isn't the situation at all. I hate him. I don't find him attractive. He is absolutely not my type, he is all brawn and muscles in the way that women on the telly and films swoon over, but I hate all that. He is a nasty and very manipulative person and he is also a Gordie (which makes it even worse for me!!) he doesn't have a good sense of humour and he everything that I hate in a man.

So having feelings towards him is just a no, no.

The case you make is a reasonable one, and I can see how it could seem like that, but I am positive that this isn't the case at all.

Other girls I have spoken to who were in the same position as me also say that they can't understand it either. That they don't find him at all attractive but somehow he just manages to pull you towards him like a massive magnet! The other women and I agree that it is all to do with the mind games and the tricks he plays. And unfortunately it seems to work.

 AA, that is very disturbing indeed!

You have behaved in a way that you hate yourself for it, and perhaps rightly so, but never lose self respect! We all do lots of wrong things in our lives and no one can judge another person without accusing themselves of the same or similar evil trends! 

You are a fallible human being, enough said about your past! 

Now, about the guy:  he is a charmer, true, the devil in human flesh almost, and more importantly, he treats you as a prostitute. He plays those mind games, he pulls you with his magnets and he enjoys his influcence over you! Don't believe for a moment that 'you are his best one', he must have said these words to all other girls he's been with! He probably means ' you are  just like all others I have had, stupid silly girls who I can shag anytime I want, whether for money or just sleazy compliments' . That's way he sees you, you are a prostitute for him! Do not believe him! Cut off from your past, you have a partner now, be faithful to him and seek his help if needed. Your partner should be able to help and understand you, if he is trully your man!

Seek assistance from friends and family if you deem appropriate and necessary! In the worst case scenario, if the guy harasses you, you can report to the police too. They can prohit him from coming within certain distance from your house for example!

I hope you will be alright, there is nothing much that we at LH forum can do for you appart from feeling symathetic and offer our opinions!

x

Oh AA. I agree that the best thing would be to avoid him. I would just keep the contact to minimal. Be polite if he wants to talk on the street, but stay away from anything intimate and sex related and keep your distance. just remember why you are rather without him, why its better to be free of him and also about your current partner, who supported you in the past and sticks with you through the hard times. And the fact you love him, which is what you do.

Oh and my oh is not really attractive, but he has a charisma, so that may be it. Some people do have it and people would never understand why so many find them unresistable, or almost so.

Hugs and you have my mail, if you want to talk. I dont spend much time on LH, as I work a lot, but I am there for you.

I agree this guy is evil.  You also know it.  But he knows that when he sees you, he is in for another shagg.  Admit it, you enjoy the sex that is why you do not make sure that you avoid him. The mind games thing may be true, but is also an excuse to keep on playing this ball. My best advice is that when you get that urge to get out of your knickers, DO NOT go to town! Rather phone a friend with whom you can have sex without the pangs of conscience.  Your only real concern at present is that your friend will find out about you screwing her man.

Face it.  He has no "power" over you when you do not see him.   That is the time to think clearly and take decisive action.  The only way out for you is to get out of town if you really want to get away from him.  Up your roots and go live far away from this place where you are the victim(?) of a rotter.

And don`t worry, you will find sex there as well...better, more relaxing sex than you are having now.

Buddyboy wrote:

I agree this guy is evil.  You also know it.  But he knows that when he sees you, he is in for another shagg.  Admit it, you enjoy the sex that is why you do not make sure that you avoid him. The mind games thing may be true, but is also an excuse to keep on playing this ball. My best advice is that when you get that urge to get out of your knickers, DO NOT go to town! Rather phone a friend with whom you can have sex without the pangs of conscience.  Your only real concern at present is that your friend will find out about you screwing her man.

Face it.  He has no "power" over you when you do not see him.   That is the time to think clearly and take decisive action.  The only way out for you is to get out of town if you really want to get away from him.  Up your roots and go live far away from this place where you are the victim(?) of a rotter.

And don`t worry, you will find sex there as well...better, more relaxing sex than you are having now.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I am not having sex with him now, I haven't had sex with him in 5 years. I have a partner just now who has been around for 5 years and this man knows that I love my partner and that I would never want to cheat on him.

But things between him and my friend are strained. They aren't really together anymore, but they still live together and from what he was saying the other afternoon I get the impression that he is just waiting for her to pack her bags and leave. But when she does leave I also get this horrible feeling that he is going to try and pull me away from my current partner.

I live in the town centre, so I cannot 'make sure I avoid him'. I need to go out for shopping, appointments and errands and I'm definately not going to cancel my life for him!

The sex was alright, I suppose, but it was only the sex that was alright, not him. If it were someone else doing the same things sex-wise to me back then, who wasn't with my friend, then I suppose the sex was pretty good, but because it was him - and I seriously do not think of him as attractive. Not in any way. I tend to go for character than looks and I tend to see people exactly for who they are when looking for a potential mate, I think it's a sixth sense with us women, to know if character is a match for us or not. - but because it was him the thought of the sex feels wrong and dirty and not in the good way. I don't really know why or how it happened, but it just did. Even though he goes against all of my better insticts and judgement, and I suppose I knew that during sex with him too, but the sex already happening and little I could do about it, and the next time it would be the same thing, not quite knowing how we got in to bed, but we were in bed! It's almost like consensual rape!!

When I did go over there I had no intention at all to "Get out of my knickers", but I was being played for money, which I desperately needed. Though now I wouldn't do it for all the money on the planet.

But it's these mind games and trickery that are getting to me. If he could do that then, if he can still do that now, he may be able to pull me away, even though I love my partner so much.

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing. Maybe being aware of everything by typing it out here will help me be a lot more aware if I do see him in the street again, and then his trickery can't work when I am fully aware of what he is doing when he is doing it.

I think I am worrying over nothing. He is just an evil and wicked man, and he cannot break my love for my partner, surely!

To be honest, I don't see how anyone could have any "power" over you if you have no interest in them. And I don't mean that in a condescending way- I just don't understand it. I agree with the past posts that even though some awful things have happened it's obvious that this man did take advantage of you when you were at a very low place. The things to keep in mind now that you are NOT how you were then. So, maybe he did have something over you then, (Im guessing mainly the money) but now even with his charisma and talk he should have nothing on you whatsoever. You love your current partner and he's all you want. So even just seeing him on the street- what actually stops you from looking at him and thinking "oh, just F off". No need to be polite and make conversation. You don't need him in your life and he should have no effect over it. Even though you say he can't be avoided, I'm sure you could easily just not talk to him. Everytime you catch him just pretend you are in a rush or you're on the phone. Distractions like that can help.

It's also worrying that you seem to think this man can have an effect.. like stating how he can somehow tear you away from your partner. To be frank, I don't see how this can happen if you don't let it. Yes, people can become blinded with feelings like lust and even intoxication when drunk etc but you know what the consequences are and you know what position you're in. The way I see it, if my partner had someone that he felt like this about- I just wouldn't accept it. However manipulative and charming this person is...

I think you need to believe in yourself and in your relationship. I hope you can get over how this man had made you feel and is trying to make you feel now. Don't give into it and focus on yourself and your partner. Good luck.

As for the friend- It seems like there's no helping her. If she's aware of what's happening but doesn't seem to care then all you can do is wait and be there for her when she finally wishes to break free herself. You can't help people that don't want to be helped. Best thing to do yourself is keep away from it.

 I can second that Nymeria!

Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

I think I am worrying over nothing. He is just an evil and wicked man, and he cannot break my love for my partner, surely!

Most probably and hopefully this is the case! Be positive and strong and you will be alright!

x

AA, I am a dead simple Virgo bloke, black or white.... if you have to think about it so much then it can't be right(?) If it 'feels' right, then it's right... and no amount of what any of us say, it has to feel right.

 You need to learn to put up emotional barriers against this man. Don't converse with him. If you see him in the street, cross over. If he tries to force himself on you, say NO and tell him you will call the police and report him for sexual harrassment. Tell him in a way you can record eg via letter or recorded phonecall that you do not wish to have any contact with him as you find his actions intimidating and feel sexually and emotionally harrassed. I would even recommend you go so far as to speak to a solicitor or womans worker for them to assist you with this. 

What you are experiencing sounds akin to stockholme syndrome. This man took advantage of you at your lowest when you where very vulnerable, and in your mind you developed an emotional attatchment to protect yourself from the true nature of your involvement with him. He gave you what you needed at that time, when you got your money and was able to satisfy your addiction, your brain related feelings of relief and gratitude to him, despite the situation (ie there was a chemical reaction in your brain, release of dopamine etc). Because of the situation you may have rationalised your actions by placing the blame at his door. Projecting guilt of your actions on to him. At the end of the day you made a choice. You should have said no and walked away but didn't. 

You need to really look inside yourself and uncover the truth about what went on, recognise your feelings, how they came about and challenge them. For you to still be so drawn to him tells me you have not truely delt with what happened.

Also consider when your blaming him, what drives his behaviour. He has learnt that doing and saying these things gets him what he wants from you (and lots of other women from the sounds of it), so he's repeating it. Other women are also reinforcing the success of his actions so it unlikely you alone will be able to change the way he is programed to function. He would probably say you took advantage of his weakness for woman by giving him what he wanted so easily (I am not saying thats a correct view, but most likely his view)

Once you have made it clear to him in a recordable (preferably official) way that you do not wish any contact from him, and why, do not engage him in anyway. If he tries to engage you, walk away and keep a record of it. If he continues against your wishes you will then have the option of a restraining order. You need to be prepared for questions as to why you are doing this and I think you should be aware what happened may be exposed (I am not saying the truth will come out because unfortunately may be someone elses version of the truth). 

If you don't protect yourself from him and deal with your feelings for him he will always have a lot of power over you and you will be living in fear. I know I am making assumptions. They are based on health care training I have done and personal experience of having this kind of attatchment to a man, I haven't just pulled them out of thin air, but it doesn't mean I'm definately right, I just want to really make you think. I do however, feel strongly you take my advice with regards to the solicitor/womans worker and officially dealing with his harrassment of you. 

 I am disagreeing with those who have said there is no reason for you to let him have this kind of power over you when you are not in that situated. There are compelling deep seated pschological and biological reasons for his power over you. You were at a time in your life where you were more vulnerable to issues becoming very deep rooted in your psyche and they are not easy to deal with and get out of your system even if you are in a much better position in your life now. You do need to deal with it though. 

 Thankyou for those posts lilac_vix. That is a lot to take in. I didn't really know such a thing could occur in that dramatic way. Sounds very much right with my situation.

Going to have to have a think about the best way to deal with this. Don't know how to get in contact with a womans worker, is that provided by social services?

Perhaps counselling could be a route to take too, in regards to this.

The fact of the matter is that I am scared of him. Not so much afraid but scared of what he seems able to do to my head.

It's wierd because everything I have said seems like black and white truth to me, and if that isn't the truth it's going to be difficult to find what actually is the 'truth'.

Hmm.

But thankyou for shedding some light for me. It makes a lot of sense, I suppose. Just need to think over what to do with this new angle on the situatiin.