Scared of sex, yet loves to masterbate.

So I am 23 will be 24 in 2 months. And I have a kinda fear of sex.

I lost my virginity to my then first love at the age of 20 after being with him for 4 months. I was going really well, or so I thought. I was discovering what I liked and didn't like sexually. He was not able to make me cum but I had only just discovered how to do it myself.

Then after 10 months he started to change and became grumpy and was only wanting sex to please himself and he didnt pay attention to me. Things got worse and he started calling me stupid so enough was enough I decided to break up with him.

A few months later I started having very bad abdomin pain so I went to the doctors and found out he had given me an STI and it had led to pelvic inflamitory disease. I have been trated and back to full health but the mental scars are still there.

I did not trust guys so pretty much just stayed away from them but at the begging of the year I started to get really close to a guy I work with and it was going really good and I thought ok he is a really sweet heart and hasn't pushed you for anything phyisical. So one night we were at his and we were kissing and we started to undress eachother and he went down on my which was ok but wasn't as good as it was before, then when we tryed to have sex I just froze and could not go through with it. It happened a couple more times. I was so embarrist I ended it with him.

I just can't understand why I don't enjoy foreplay as much as I use to and can't even go through with sex, yet I masterbate 2 or 3 times a week and really enjoy it. wither it is using toys or just my fingers.

Sounds like it's not the physical side of sex, but the emotional/intimate side of things. You said you finished it with this guy because you were embarrased, I''m guessing that means you didn't discuss it with him?

I did talk with him, but I just felt it was better for him. Also I was moving away for a job and didnt want a long distance relationship.

I think it was good you talked about it, but i also think you should not presume the decisions you make are best for him, its all about understanding each other and respecting each other and if he wanted to still work things out, give them the chance, if you still like them.

I do think you will get there in the end but sometimes emotional worries can take time to resolve. be possitive and strong you will get there

 I much agree with Man of pleasure.

Also, I agree that it sounds like the emotional side than the physical side of things.

I can understand your trust in men being a bit battered. I'm sure you can see not all men are like that, hence seeing this other guy. Your freezing up with sex may be just down to not feeling comfortable with sex when your trust isn't fully there with the other person. Working on trusting a partner and feeling safe enough with them will help you forward with sex matters. And if the partner is fine with waiting, then it would seem it would be right to place your trust there. Of course, nobody can predict the future and put 100% guarentees on life, but trust is different. You could ask for both you and a partner to go and get an STI check before you decide to have sex, it may help put your mind a little more at ease and have faith in him for agreeing. Explaining your situation and feelings and being honest with eachother is very important. Don't seize up and worry over what he might think of you, don't get embarrased or ashamed about being unable to perform. Sex is only one aspect of a relationship, and lucky you will be more likely to find a relationship that lasts because you will be looking for factors in a man that aren't based on sex, but on honesty, faith, trust and understanding.

Good luck hun. You will be fine. You just need a bit of time with a partner and a slowly, slowly approach. But it will be worth it, I'm sure. :-)

 If you go to your local clinic they should be able to refer you for some psycho sexual counselling which may be a good idea so that you can deal with these issues before they ingrain further in to your sub consious. 

I would also recommend before you have sex again it's with someone you feel comfortable to talk to about this beforehand, as Avrielle_Aniko says, get STI tests and be with someone you trust. You may also find putting in place a plan for protecting you against STI's before hand (knowing condoms are there and will be used etc) will give one less thing for you to worry about. 

lots of hugs, Good Luck :D

 Next time you are with a man, don't go onto a full blown sex! Take it easy step by step every time a little further, until and only if and when you feel comfortable to allow him to penetrate you. 

Talk to him about that before hand, so he knows he should not use your aroused state as a licence to go further than you have agreed. You will have lots of foreplay, lots of sensual touchings but no penetrative sex, let your mind be calmed and you will know when you are ready! 

You'll be alright!

PS. It's great in France, I love it too, lucky you!