feel selfish about sex drive

I don't usually post about anything involving other people but this is making me really miserable.

I've been with my OH 2 and a half years, we started sleeping together after 6 months- it was me who wanted to wait as I've had bad experiences before with men and my current partner is the only man I've ever wanted to sleep with I'm suprised I waited that long. He said he was fine with waiting and he understood my reasons.

 About a year ago we went from doing it twice a day to practically nothing, looking back it was always me who initiated sex but he always used to say 'how could i refuse you'  I've tried talking to him to see if he is stressed/tired/doesn't fancy me anymore/if im doing things he doesn't like etc but he just says I'm tired and thats as far as it goes.  I tried to point out that I have never refused him when im tired/sick and I do other things for him when I cant give him full sex at totm. I usually end up crying myself to sleep cuz I want him so bad and he makes me feel so rejected. I've always made a huge effort for him, wearning nice undies, asking him what he wants etc.   For a while he occasionally gave in and we had sex but then that just made me feel so selfish and it only lasts a minute or so so just as im warming up he is done. I've never come with him cuz even by myself with toys it takes ages but when we were having sex alot I came close a couple of occasions but one he has come thats it he wont carry on. He says he cant cuz he cant get hard again so i suggested other ways but he still never does. Oh and he now denies we ever did it more than once in a day??  He doesn't have difficulties getting hard so its not that, he can be hard and still reject me.

Im actually under psychiatric treatment for something at the moment and she reckons I should still keep trying cuz if I dont we will end up never having sex agin but I can't anymore because it makes me feel like such as bad person and everytime he rejected me it hurts more and more. Also he has a go at me for putting pressure on him so I said ok fine and completely withdrew from trying a couple of months or so ago. Don't get me wrong I expect to get turned down sometimes but he doesnt care at all that we dont have sex in fact I don't actually want it anymore either but now its gone beyond that, he wont kiss or cuddle me properly anymore beyond a kiss on the cheek or a quick hug but I'm finding more and more that I'm, just cold to his brief displays of affection to the point where I freeze if he does.

I love him to bits but I cant stand this any more and  its hindering my recovery from my illness. I don't feel close to him anymore, i feel like I've lost him and the fact that I freeze when he touches me scares me.

Sorry for the essay , I just needed to say it to try and clear my head a bit.

 Oh gosh! That sounds awful!

Me and my partner were like that for a while, but he had health reasons and it was literally too sore for him to do it. It took a long time and I got really upset about it. Like you, I even cried myself to sleep on a couple of occasions. It seemed so unfair because he wouldn't do anything, even just touching me. Getting worked up about it made it worse because of pressuring him, and trying to explain my needs to him ended in arguments. I ended up just calming myself down about it. Just got it in my head that we were one of those couples who didn't have sex. But I ended up getting excited about the prospect of the male masturbator sleeves and bought a Tenga Egg.

He could just lie there and have me do the wrk for him and he really enjoyed it. It breathed a bit of life back in to our sex life. I didn't think he would want anything to do with it, but he was really enthusiastic about it. But sex was still a big struggle for us.

It was only in the last few months I found dirty boxers covered in his cum 'hidden' under the bed. When he comes he suffers a terrible cramp in his hips. So bad that I would be crying in shock while he would be screaming in pain and not knowing if to get an ambulance or not! But these boxers under the bed that he had used to clean up with was concerning me. I thought he didn't want me and that for him, masturbating was better than having sex with me. I ended up confronting him on the dirty boxers. He didn't want to talk about it.

But the last couple of month, our sex life has been reigniting! We are cuddling more now, and snuggling in bed each night, we are talking more and being more 'couply' than we have in the last 2 years!

Turns out that those dirty boxers were because he was 'training' himself! He cares so much for me that he had been practising his stamina and learning how to orgasm without getting the cramp and pain! We haven't had the cramp pains since! He is lasting longer, he has more stamina, and our sex is much, much better now! Brill!

Thats enough about me though.

If your partner has no clear reason for his withholding of sex, then I reckon you should just ask him. Be tactful. Don't ask so that he knows you are asking about sex, but ask if he is Ok, ask if there has been anything bothering him. Try and have him open up. Just say you have noticed he has been a bit different lately and you are concerned for him.

Be nice to him. If you do all the work in sex, like giving him a blow job while touching yourself, things like that, does he mind or does he try to stop you doing it? Do you ask him to lie back while you do the work? Whats the response?

If you can't get anywhere after a couple more months with this, then it sounds like a dead end to me, I'm sorry to say.

Guess its a dead end really and I have to put up with it because I tried talking to him on many occassions and he just doesn't respond no matter how I put it. Its now got  to the point where we argue whenever it is mentioned so I just dont bother anymore. Even in the past when we did have sex I did all the work 90% of the time while he just lay back as you put it.  I can live without sex but I don't know if I can put up with no intimacy at all. I feel like his sister or something when he only kisses me on the cheek :S

If he is in pain all he has to do is tell me he is in pain and I'll never ask for sex again lol, I don't want him to suffer but when he wont give me a reason for it i turn in on myself and think its my fault. He knows how much its hurting me but he just doesn't seem to care.

morefun wrote:

Even in the past when we did have sex I did all the work 90% of the time while he just lay back as you put it.  I can live without sex but I don't know if I can put up with no intimacy at all. I feel like his sister or something when he only kisses me on the cheek :S

If he is in pain all he has to do is tell me he is in pain and I'll never ask for sex again lol, I don't want him to suffer but when he wont give me a reason for it i turn in on myself and think its my fault. He knows how much its hurting me but he just doesn't seem to care.

If he doesn't care about how you feel, or even that it is him making you feel the way you feel, is the problem just sexual, or is there something else underlying that?

I'm not saying this to offend, and apologies if I seem to be going too far, but I've seen friends in relationships that reached about 2 1/2-3 years, but then ended. For whatever reason they got to a point where the relationship wasn't what it once was and they just drifted apart

 i hate to suggest this but perhaps he is getting it somewhere else? im not saying you should get ultra paranoid about that but it could be a reason he is not having sex. 

It sounds like its not just sexual where he is rejecting you but in general.I am not trying to upset you but has your physical appearance changed at all(added/lost weight,not as much attention to your appearance,etc).Its a  brick wall you seem to have come up against if you can't get him to admit whats troubling him but unfortunately most men are not good at speaking there mind on this until its to late

I dont know if this is any help, but me and my OH have been together for 2 and half years, and you sound like you have the same relationship as us.

I constantly feel rejected when i initiate anything sexual. but whenever he instigates it i do always oblige, same as totm and when i dont feel like it, to make him happy. iot did have a 'sort of' bad effect on the relationship, but not entirely!

i too have health problems, but regarding the downstairs area, as i have problems with my kidneys which affects down below, and im always getting uti's. BUT, i still do it when i can.

he was the one that pulled away, if that makes sense. i nearly ended it a few times because of how rejected he made me feel, but he hated the fact he was doing it. he always said, im tired, it hurts, well do it later/tomorrow...

until, eventually, unbeknown to me, he went to the doctors, because he felt awful. he described his tiredness, lack of mojo etc etc. the doctor checked him out below, no problems, but the diagnosed him with something along the lines of 'post adolescent...' something, i cant quite remember the actual name, but its something to do starting puberty early and ending it late. so like a prolonged puberty i suppose. ad the doctor said its comman, but people dont know about it, but it will sort itself out in time.

our sexlife dwindled for 10+ months.

but now its getting back on track. its still not how it was, but were getting there.
~patience is a virtue~

maybe a trip to the doctors wouldnt go a miss

hopefully our experience will help

let us know how it goes

butters x

If you feel like you've done all that you can verbally, how about writing a letter revealing exactly what you're thinking. Something similar to this. It's so easy to withdraw and hurt the perosn closest to you without realising. Even if you think he knows and doesn't care- unless he's said that you won't know.

It really is all about you both and communication, it could be he's having issues with stress which can be a huge turn off by the way for anything sexual, it can be he's cheating, and it can be just that he's not into you, etc. It really can be anything! Best way to find out is through him. I know you feel rejected and upset by it all but if you're thinking about ending the relationship atleast you can say you've honestly tried and found out the root to these issues.

Sometimes people can just fall apart and re-initiating something as simple as affection can take work. It doesn't mean it's gone just that it needs some spark in it again.

Hope you can fine out what's happening and that it works out.

It could be any number of things. Some you can work on, some you can't. But without being able to talk it through with him, without either of you taking offence or starting a row, I don't know how you'll be able to find out what the problem is, let alone work on a solution.

IF he's stressed or depressed, don't expect an overnight recovery. These things take time and effort and often a change in circumstances before the person begins to feel their old self again.

IF he's unhappy, unfulfilled, or just wants out of the relationship, I don't think there's much you can do.

IF there's something physiological or psyhological underlying his reluctance to engage with you, it's possible to work on it, either on his own with support, or the two of you together.

Whatever, communication is the first step.

Im not going to comment much as Its kinda a sore subject for me at the moment.

Im in the same place basically and I honestly thought I was reading one of my own posts there!

My fiance has health issues which I undeerstand can effect her libido etc.

For us its been 9 months nearly and before that 'once' 9 months ago it was 6 months before that, And like you its a quick peck on the cheek or a quick hug.

I get bollocked for "Going on and on about it"

Its not important! She doesnt care. etc etc etc.....

She feels more lika a sister or something than my fiance!

JESUS, I just realized Ive had sex ONCE in 15 months, And with my hypersexuality I dont know how Ive coped to be honest :/

I really hope it get better for you, I really do, Fingers crossed :) xx

So yes I understand the hurt/rejection/lonliness!

The thing that bothers me now, Is it almost seems like every day theres an excuse.

Either shes too sore, Or too sick, too tired, too cold, too hot, too itchy etc etc etc etc blah blah blah....

Sorry Off on a rant there! Like i said - SORE subject!

Sounds like a difficult situation, but it's also impossible to give you much advice apart from that offered here without knowing much much more about you both.

Seduced wrote:

So yes I understand the hurt/rejection/lonliness!

The thing that bothers me now, Is it almost seems like every day theres an excuse.

Either shes too sore, Or too sick, too tired, too cold, too hot, too itchy etc etc etc etc blah blah blah....

Sorry Off on a rant there! Like i said - SORE subject!

Poor Jade  iknow how it feels to have low libido and not be able to satisfy your partner especially when they really want it.

you shouldnt be so harsh with her- the more stress and pressure she feels under, the less likely she is to want to have it or enjoy it.

hope everything improves x

My OH and I have very mismatched drives. Mine is ridiculously high and his is so low. There have been times whn the rejection that I have felt has been unbearable and I can get quite emotionally self destructive over it. One of the biggest problems that we face is that he is absolutely rubbish at communication, so I get lots of mixed messages and that makes things worse. I can cope with being self- reliant when he is going through a patch where he isn't interested as long as he is honest and up front about it. You have to work on your own self belief too, so that you can take him not wanting sex as being about how he feels rather than as being a rejection of you - it's hard but you can get there.

Good luck. xx

Im not harsh with her V :) Its just me bein bitter and venting :(

It's a very difficult situation to be in and sadly I've been in this position too. It's so very hard to work out what the other one is thinking while dealing with your own emotions and daily life stress but at some point you both have to address the problem. if you withdraw from it, therefore avoiding the issue it will creep into other aspects of your relationship and before you know where you are you're strangers.I know you say you've already tried to talk to him about it but the only way to find out is to sit down and talk about it  and what may be behind it. Together. Maybe in a neutral place., or perhaps writing something down for him to read. The truth is hard to hear sometimes but if I learnt one thing from my experience it's that communication is the key whatever the answer and outcome. It could even be something as simple as he doesn't know how to get things back on track. Lots of luck. x

From your posts it sounds more than a sex issue. I hate to say it but i think u have some relationship problems that need discovered, talked about and cleared up. 

I don't know if u live together or apart but a little distance from what can only be a stressful and unhappy place might do the world of good. And from this distance you can discuss your issues with him in a relaxed and calm environment. Have you weighed up the pro's and con's of being together or calling your relationship a day? 

because you love somebody doesn't justify you maintaining a relationship that is making you unhappy, feeling unloved and cold when the person you love touches you. 

I feel for you sweet and wish u all the best x x x

Seduced wrote:

Im not harsh with her V :) Its just me bein bitter and venting :(

Sometimes we all need to vent better to vent on here than at your fiance x

I feel for you! I have been there before and it's horrible.

With my last partner we went 9 months without anything, wouldn't even let me touch him and would get annoyed if I tried to do anything more than a peck on the lips. We didn't last, but we had a lot more issues that we couldn't work through.

He is obviously feeling pressured which can make someones sex-drive almost dissappear, but you are obviously becoming more and more horny (and desperate) as time goes on. The only thing that worked for me was by trying to enjoy myself by spending time with friends and dressing up to go out as it made me feel better about my self and my confidence while taking the pressure off him at the same time.

Good luck to the both of you though x