• what is wrong with me?

    bexiswetnow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 19
    • Joined: 3 Nov 2009

    ok i have been with my hubby since i was 16, im 34 now.

    we have always had fantastic sex, i would always cum everytime and i always couldnt wait to go to bed.

    now for the past few months or so i cannot get into the mood. he will be kissing me, kissing my neck, my breasts etc and nothing.

    even if im feeling in the mood it just does nothing for me. i lay there like a sack of spuds wishing he would just get off me and go to sleep, on the odd occasion he has done just that and then i lay there feeling unwanted!!!

    sometimes after he has been kissing me all over he will work his way down on me and then go down on me, even though im not turned on it sometimes gets me going and i will cum, but other times nothing.

    and sometimes even if i am turned on and i mean really turned, i wont cum at all, i will have to push him off cos he is wasting his time completely. i mean i will be wet and all but it just wont cum.

    we have tried different techniques, slow fast.long short circles etc but its like my clit switches off. it will be good for a while and i will be nearly there then it just goes away!! what gives?

    whats really bothering me though is that i dont seem to get turned on anymore. no matter what he does. even using my fave fantasy doesnt work. all other aspects of our marriage are good as is everything else, so i have nothing weighing on my mind. i just seem to be able to get into it.

    am i a freak? have i become frigid? what is wrong with me????

    Amelie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    • Joined: 29 Jul 2009

    Hey hun, if you're particularly stressed at the moment that might be affecting your ability to climax, as a lot of it is in the mind. Also there are many medications which can affect your libido. Though to be honest I think this is something most women go through at various times in their life, I know I certainly have.

    Just put less pressure on yourself, as anxiety really doesn't help. My personal favourite is to take a night out, have a bath with the OH, pop the cork on some bubbly, have a massage, but not put the emphasis on sex -rather relaxation. The less stressed/worried you are the more likely your libido is to return, so instead of getting down to it when you're really not in the mood, use that time to be more initimate, a foot rub, a back scratch (HIGHLY UNDERRATED IMO) and anyhing else that is sensual but not necessarily sexual should help relax you, and hopefully get the passions burning again!

    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010


    stress, tireness (eg. working too much long hours and getting home exhausted) can kill libido easily. I went through October without feeling any real desire for sex, simply because I was stressed at school, working 60 hours a week at times,only had 2 days off for the whole month and in the end I hit bed and only wanted to go to sleep and even was falling asleep during sex talks with my partner on skype, something I never did before, but I am serious. I was so bad. And I am only 25, yet I lost my libido for a month, until the situation got better.

    Another reasons may be medicaments, including the pill from what I heard. Some women experience lessening of libido after them, antidepresives are another common reason. Any hormonal change can also influence it.

    The first step is to identify the cause of the loss of your libido and then you can see what you can done.if its medicaments, you can always speak to your doctor about possible change, stress, then about ways how to relax, etc. Dont feel bad, it does happen, for both men and women! both sexes can go through loss of libido. Also talk to your partner, about your feelings, always helps to prevent hurted feelings. me and my partner talked about lack of mine and he was very understanding, but if I did not tell him, he could possibly feel bad about his ability to please me.

    Good luck!

    bexiswetnow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 19
    • Joined: 3 Nov 2009

    hi thanks for the replies.

    im not stressed or tired or on any medication at all.

    the thing is and this might sound odd, i know it isnt right, sometimes when he tries to kiss me in bed i literally feel sick, so i push him away, but if he kisses me during the day im fine!?

    i still fancy the pants off him, still adore him, and i am still very much in love with him, i just cant seem to get into the mood anymore.

    its really upsetting me, i mean this evening we went to bed and he was kissing me etc all over and i felt nothing, all i felt was that he was a pain in the backside, whichi s really odd because when we got into bed i was the one who initiated it!!! the thing is he didnt respond immediately so i straight away felt that he didnt want me.i turned over to go to sleep feeling all rejected and then he turned me back around and started kissing me, by that point though i was being all pissy and hurt and thinking well how come you didnt react when i started on you????

    i also think when we are having sex that he doesnt really want me, more just a convienient hole. i know he loves me, i know he would do anything for me, as i would for him, and i know im being irrational, i just cant get past it. what the hell is wrong with me?

    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    Talk to him about the problem, or to a professional. Communication is the key. It can be you are feeling rejected on some level, or something in the past caused your current mental block. I cannot help you, but i guess finding out when it started, how it started, would be the most useful thing to do.

    bexiswetnow [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 19
    • Joined: 3 Nov 2009

    the thing is he is a very considerate lover, he is always really upset if i dont cum, its not that he is using me as a hole, he isnt, i just feel like that and i dont know why.

    so we talked. i told him what i told all of you (thankyou for replying)
    he said he had no idea i was feeling so unhappy, but he had noticed how distant i had become in the bedroom. i told him i thought i was broken and i needed him to fix me.
    i said to him that it must be very frustrating to have a wife who just lays there, but he said that he didnt take it personally, that he knew if he keeps going i will eventually start to get into it. which is sometimes true and sometimes not like i said in my op.
    well tonight after the kids were all asleep (13, 12, 9 and a 19 month old foster baby) he went off upstairs, when he came down he brought our box of "toys" with him and said maybe we should change things up a bit. we giggled like a couple of kids as we chose a few to play with.
    we went off to bed and started kissing, i was thinking i cant get into this, its not me anymore, and he said stop thinking and just feel, go with the way it feels, stop analyzing everything, i told him i couldnt. so he went and ran a bath for both of us, he washed me, then after the bath he gave me a massage, saying if nothing happened it didnt matter we would just see where it took us. well one thing led to another and i was into it, really into it, he got me close several times then stopped deliberatley, he said was building me up so i wouldnt lose focus. anyway he got me there eventually and half way through the baby woke up and started screaming. mood killed.
    it was my fault she woke up, i was being noisy. i cant help it, i am a noisy lover. thing is i then felt bad as he hadnt finished and the baby wouldnt settle again, it took ages to calm her down and by then he had fallen asleep. i tried to wake him up but he must be exhausted because i couldnt wake him.
    so now im thinking im a rubbish wife. i told him how i felt , he tried to make it better, but then i ruined it by being too noisy. (he said he likes me noisy which is good cos try as i might i cant be quiet)
    it was the first time in so long that i felt able to relax and let go and just enjoy without my mind going into overdrive or having a mental block. i wanted it to be a long night you know. i wanted to show him that i could be how i used to be but then i destroyed it. why cant i do it right?
    it feels like i cant do anything right anymore, so even though he was asleep i said "you would be better off without me" and i think its true.
    he deserves to be with someone without all this rubbish, someone who can go to bed with him and please him the way i used to. someone who isnt a sexual freak. someone who will just go with how it feels, without needing all the crap that i do to get me in the mood.
    as for the toys, we didnt even get a chance to use them.
    is it normal for the mood to die that quickly, that easily? i mean how did i go from red hot to stone cold in a second?

    i dont know what to do anymore, i honestly think i should leave him and let him find happiness with a real woman, because at the moment im not one.

    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 15 Sep 2010

    Oh, bex, I know how you feel.

    Or more to the point I know how your OH feels. We have only one child, 3 1/2 yrs, and I've lost count of the number of times we've been interrupted.

    It's great that your OH took the time to get you loosened up, and it sounds like it really worked well! I'd imagine he was fairly relaxed about everything, so when you were interrupted, it was late, he was tired and he just crashed out. Don't take it personally. You didn't destroy anything. OK, maybe you need to invest in a good gag or some soundproofing, but you weren't responsible for killing the mood. Small kids do that all on their own...

    If you thank him in the morning, I'm sure you'll get a repeat performance. Just don't let him think you feel bad because of what he was doing - that'll be harder for him to recover from. And you can't decide for him whether he would be better off without you, so don't even try to use that excuse! If you are having problems with feeling sexy, it sounds like he wants to help you solve them. It doesn't sound to me like giggling, playing with toys, denying you orgasm and wanting it to be long night are the actions of people who are struggling with emotional baggage - it sounds more like a loving couple with FOUR kids trying to find the energy to express their love for each other!

    He's shown you that you CAN feel good about sex, and that he is prepared to put in the time and attention to give you the kind of sex life you seem to want. I really think the two of you should be able to work through this.

    All the best, I'm here on chat most nights if you want to talk more about it.

    Mr Monster.

    Dee_licious333 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Bex - I think alot of women feel how you feel. In answer to your question about killing the mood, yes you can go from hot to cold .. ive done it a few times, usually silly little things can spoil the mood, i,e if hubby accidently hurts me usually a chinese burn lol - or something he says or does... so dont feel bad about that.

    Please try not to let it get you down and you shouldnt feel as though you are not a woman just because of how you feel at the moment. If this was all very sudden you feeling this way .....so, then, things can suddenly change again but dont try and rush it. You have a busy life bringing up the children together but dont let get in the way of your sexual fullfillment. Your hubby sounds fantastic .. but so are YOU for trying so hard to make things work .. despite not feeling like you want to be kissed or touched when you go to bed. The toys were a good idea too. So talk about your feelings .. and find out why it is you are feeling this way, if you know what the answer is.

    I hope things work out for you x

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