is this wrong and selfish?

My girlfriend gave birth to a wonderfull baby boy 3 months ago and all I can think of is sex although she clearly doesn't yet. Suppose I just have to be patient 

This blog post may be helpful, coincidentially it mentions babies up to three months in particular!

I've heard that sex disappears after a baby arrives. Is it true – and what can we do?

There are a lot of parents on the forum who I'm sure will be along soon to share their experience and give some helpful advice.

 thank you soo much Alice

Hi Robin

I had 2 babies within 16 months, high risk pregnancies but normal deliveries with no stitches. I was so tired and hormonal that sex was the last thing on my mind. Having to cope with a baby and very disturbed sleep along with the physical changes to your body can have major effects on your sex drive.

It isnt wrong or selfish for you to want sex as long as you are not pressuring her. Have you tried to talk to her about it?

xGGx

 Hi GG

I am not pressurising her as that would be selfish and wrong. I have talked about it. She said it will come back just not now. She has even been apologetic about it, for which there is no need to. 

there are more important things in life. Am just being a teenager I suppose, even though I've passed 40. ;-)

Ok give her some time and try to give her some 'me' time as well. See if you can arrange a baby sitter so the 2 of you can go out and spend quality time as a couple.

It takes a while to get used to being a mum and I suffered from post natal depression which also lowers your sex drive. But it does come back.

xGGx

Hello,

I dont have babies yet, but some women can be bit sore for longer time while others can be fine very fast. She can also be influenced by hormonal changes and lack of sleep, depending how demanding the baby is.

My advice would likely be talk to her about her feelings. If she is sore and some women can be sore for months, you have to wait, not much else you can do. If she is tired, then you can try to help her a bit. I know some babies dont sleep too much and some are lucky to get hour of sleep before the baby wakes them up again. I think that sharing intimacy is a good start and it can go from there when she is ready. Massage is something most people would enjoy getting.

A baby sitter is also excelent idea for you to have some time off.

I do think things will improve in time. But every woman is different, so it take various time for us to adjust to the new situation

 Hey Robin,

Its not wrong or selfish and it sounds like you've done everything right meaning u haven't bugged her for sex but have expressed how u feel to her. 

I defo think  some 'me time' for her will let her have a well earnt break from both beautiful baby and well you :) U should have a look for some discount spa treatments  - she will love u for not only giving her time to herself but also the fact u've made an effort to get her something useful that will double the relaxing time! 

Also try and have a meal out just you and her - make her feel special and appreciated (which im sure u already do but a little extra is always nice).

If you don't have a budget for this why not get hands on - buy some products from lush, run her a bath with a glass of wine and then treat her to a nice relaxing massage.

I think u should concentrate on creating a relaxing stress free environment and the sex will follow when she is in the right place mentally and physically.

And BTW congrats on your new addition - Daddy Robin x x x

thank you all for your posts!

 Try giving her pleasure if that is pleasurable to you too. Leave the penetration aside for as long as she prefers.

Fondle her, kiss her all over her body, massage her back, buttocks, legs, boobs...

She may respond in a surprising way!

I have a horrible amount of stitches and so it did take a while (10lb ish baby burst out of me in a hurry, like when a rugby team bursts onto the pitch through a big paper doorway), but what was really annoying was the boob thing. If anyone had've touched my boobs they'd have got milk in the eye.

I hated my saggy stomach (still do!) so that and any kind of lighting was off limits. I suppose I felt crap and frumpy so being taken out or treated in some way would have helped.

Men are frequently unfaithful after the first  child is born.

It's difficult to explain, but I remember getting an immensely powerful urge to have sex (with anybody) after seeing my first child born.

It's difficult to reestablish the sexual relationship after children arrive. The child keeps you up at night, and the mother is nearly always dog tired most of the time. The man often finds himself feeling neglected and no longer the centre of his partner's attention.

It's tough. Try to look to the longer term. Do what you can to help. Be patient. Kids eventually grow up and leave home and finally you get your wife back. What you do during the 20 or so years it takes to bring them up has a huge impact on your later years. So try and enjoy them, be supporting of your wife. and grin and bear it.

 Blimey Atlanta, that's quite a negative slant you gave to it. Yes, she is tired but I don't see myself as neglected. the child and her should be in the centre of attention. I almost feel bad bringing the subject up

I lost my sex drive for about two and a half years after both babies. I felt really guilty. My husband however couldn't be more supportive, understanding and patient. Because he has been so supportive it has made us closer than ever. I trust him more now than I ever did.

My sex drive normally is very high, dirty and adventurous, just not after having babies.

It's not just hormones, it's also a huge mind boggling and exhausting thing to have and look after a baby/toddler.

For you I would advise you fully immerse yourself in her world and her feelings so you share what she is experiencing. Believe me this is worth doing. Support her and help her rest as much as you can. For the natural urges you can't help having I suggest you aquaint yourself with your hand, some porn, and maybe a male masturbator (although my husband didn't fancy the latter).  Make sure she constantly knows that you still desire her and fancy her, but never ever by putting any pressure on her. Just by being nice and flattering. Still be physical with her by giving cuddles. If she fancies more she will show you.

I think I may be unusual in the length of time I lose my sex drive, but I also think our experience shows that this can be a strengthening and positive thing in a relationship rather than negative. Our relationship is stronger for being shown that we can be very close without the sex aspect. I have talked about all this with my husband and this is how he feels too.

I've got two children (now aged 3 and 4 1/2) and I completely understand what you're going through.

One thing I found helped me was to write down my feelings for my wife in letters to her and write down my fantasies about what I'd like to do with her for my own "personal time" () - you can always share these with her when you feel the time is right.

If you are going to use porn as an "alternative", check how your wife feels about that first - it's not an easy conversation to have, but it's far better to be told "actually I don't want you to watch that now that we have children" than "WTF are you watching that for? Don't you love me anymore?".  Even if it was OK before kids, it may well not be OK now.

If you do want to "improve your chances" (awful as that sounds when spoken out loud!) then follow much of the advice above about giving her space, but also try to save up to take her to a health spa (Champneys is expensive by well worth a visit - romantic walks, sauna, steam room etc.) or take here away a romantic hotel break.  You'll probably only get away with one night at first because she'll be nervous about getting back to the chlidren, however I can almost guarantee that she'll be far more impressed (and more likely to be relaxed enough to want "intimate time" with you!) with that than if you took her on a dirty weekend in Brighton with a trip to Ann Summers and the local strip joint to try and "rekindle" her sex drive!

Good luck...

I don't agree with the taking her away to a spa thing, or massaging or anything like that, because I think that equates to pressure. You shouldn't do anything that looks like 'I'm doing this because then you might give me sex'. Do you want her to have sex with you because she feels obligated because you spent lots of money on a fancy spa? Not nice.

Try to understand that losing your sex drive is losing your sex drive, it's not something you can be persuaded back into.

Just being too tired/not having time is different of course but I'd be very careful about establishing if that is the case.

Sorry, didn't come over as well as I had hoped.  The sex was a "welcome side-effect" of her being relaxed, not the reason I took her away!

Berry is quite right (and this is where blokes have the opportunity to completely stuff things up again!) what you have to do is work with her and help her recover from what she has done without putting pressure on her *and* without doing anything that might be seen as putting pressure on her.  This is far easier said than done and I've not got it right by any strech of the imagination, even after nearly 5 years!

Her sex drive will recover as long as you stay with her - and if anyone tells you to leave her if she's not giving you what you need then they are a complete ass...

 All i can say is women love to be pampered - the fact that you r giving her space and time to relax and de stress from the new family life style will make her feel appreciated, loved and just a little special.

Very few women actually see being pampered as being pressured for sex it actually shows u understand and love her. 

But this is my personal opinion on this - i just know that after having a baby i think these r the things i'd want my OH to do for me

x

Berry wrote:

I lost my sex drive for about two and a half years after both babies. ..

I think I may be unusual in the length of time I lose my sex drive, ....

You aren't unusual, some lose it for longer than you did! On the other hand, some women experience new sensations after giving birth, sexual sensations that they didn't have before or at least were not aware of those. But it may take time for her to realise about those changes for the loss of libido.

Ultimately, if family is formed for the purposes of having sex only, that is the wrong reason! And if there are legitimate reasons why one or the other have low or no sex drive, it would be immoral, hurtful and egoistic to start cheating. I am saying 'legitimate reasons' as oppose to what some do, using sex deprivation as a weapon against their partner. Not that the latter can justify going astray, but it is deffinitely a reason to talk seriously about it.

 I must admit that I masturbate and watch porn online secritively so not to make her feel guilty (which she would be), which is making me feel guilty. Is giving in to my urges being disrespectful?