• Playing with fire

    1317767850
    Only the best! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
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    • Joined: 29 Dec 2009

    Hi everyone. I was just wondering if anyone had experienced the same as me, as I am ver y confused right now.

    My husband and I are in to Dom/Slave type sex. He dominates me and I like it! We've been together a long time and the sex has always been like this in one form or another. The probelm that I am experiencing is an emotional one. We generally keep all role play to the bedroom. And in fact I am probably in charge in our daily lives. After sex, especially pure filth, I start to feel quite vulnerable. The play usually increases our feelings for each other and I get a little needy. (Usually I'm the exact oppposite). Last weekend we wnt away and had an amazing time falling in love all over again, and the sex leaping on a few stages. He wanted to become master of anal sex. I am not against it but it does seem to invade my soul when he tries it. It seems to need such levels of communication and trust between us.

    I got really in to it and he loves it. However everything came crashing down when the daily grind started to get to him and he started to find it difficult to unwind. He rushed the anal -leaving me sore, and didn't really use any eye contact. Now I feel really used and incredibly angry. Not about this incident specifically, but about the entire thing. He seems to compartmentalise a lot. Away on holiday he made me feel loved and special. But back home I feel like I've lost everything. Now I don't want sex at all. How can I help to stop my vulnerability turning in to anger and is this a usual result of playing these games?

    Or is my husband not the right partner for this? In all honesty I don't seem to get excited about anything else.

    1317769332
    shellyboo [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 16 Apr 2008

    These games require a LOT of communication, a lot of aftercare, and a lot of attention from your partner before and after the act itself.

    I find after a heavy D/s scene that I'm very needy/vulernable, like you said, but even the next day I need a lot of care and attention from my Sir or else I get quite weepy and upset. This is part and parcel of D/s play -- as your Master, his number one priority should be your wellbeing and happiness, above all else. Protect the property, as they say!

    This is also, in part, your responsibility -- if you're feeling needy, or feeling used, it's up to you to communicate that to him before it turns to anger and let him know what you need from him to be ok. He's not a mind-reader and never will be, so it's communication all the way.

    Now, if he's reluctant to do any of these things -- cuddling and praising you after sex, taking care of you the next day, making sure you're ok, and listening to your needs -- then maybe he's not the right partner for this. It could just be that he doesn't realise how big an effect it has on you, though.

    If he doesn't have time for foreplay or aftercare, then you shouldn't be doing anal at that time, or anything else that puts you in subspace. Full stop, no exceptions. Me and my partner often leave big, involved scenes for the weekends for exactly this reason.

    So basically: communicate. Be aware of the effects of your play, and plan in advance for them. Make time for foreplay and aftercare... and communicate some more! :)

    1317769839
    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 535
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2009

    shellyboo wrote:

    These games require a LOT of communication, a lot of aftercare, and a lot of attention from your partner before and after the act itself.

    I find after a heavy D/s scene that I'm very needy/vulernable, like you said, but even the next day I need a lot of care and attention from my Sir or else I get quite weepy and upset. This is part and parcel of D/s play -- as your Master, his number one priority should be your wellbeing and happiness, above all else. Protect the property, as they say!

    This is also, in part, your responsibility -- if you're feeling needy, or feeling used, it's up to you to communicate that to him before it turns to anger and let him know what you need from him to be ok. He's not a mind-reader and never will be, so it's communication all the way.

    Now, if he's reluctant to do any of these things -- cuddling and praising you after sex, taking care of you the next day, making sure you're ok, and listening to your needs -- then maybe he's not the right partner for this. It could just be that he doesn't realise how big an effect it has on you, though.

    If he doesn't have time for foreplay or aftercare, then you shouldn't be doing anal at that time, or anything else that puts you in subspace. Full stop, no exceptions. Me and my partner often leave big, involved scenes for the weekends for exactly this reason.

    So basically: communicate. Be aware of the effects of your play, and plan in advance for them. Make time for foreplay and aftercare... and communicate some more! :)

    ^^^^^ this!

    Well said Shellyboo.

    Only the best, a serious chat with your OH/Master is the only way to go. Good luck with it. Let us know how you get on. x

    1317939517
    Only the best! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 29 Dec 2009

    Thanks for that, it makes me feel better to hear I'm not the only one! He finds it hard to get into sex after being wound up with the kids etc. So after 2 or 3 hours wind down there's only every a couple of hours in which to have sex. I find this kindof stuff takes hours! I guess it was my mistake in a way as we had such a nice weekend away, so I couldn't come down, just wanted more and more!

    He does need to be free of distraction and that isn't going to happen a lot at home. We're going to have a chat about it this weekend apparently- we even have to schedule conversatiuons.

    Thanks again

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