Relaxing for anal

 I really want to try anal sex but i have always been too scared and can never relax. can any of you give me any advice?

Thanks :) x

Hi Emily,

This question comes up frequently, so you've come to the right place for some advice!

I've bumped an old thread "Is it just me?" (it should be near the top of the list for recent posts) in which I posted a long section of advice there which I think might be helpful for you.

There are plenty of other threads on this subject which you may find helpful, but basically, take your time, slow things right down, use plenty of lube and start small and gradually increase the size and make sure you're comfortable at every stage, otherwise, take a break or go back down to a smaller size again.

Have fun :-)

As I have mentioned before, the problem is that you are only partially in control of the anus so the trick of relaxation is much like the trick of wiggling your ears - initially you just can't do it. What you need is a butt toy (or preferably a series of graded sizes). You can then learn the trick by gently inserting the toy (well lubed of course). To start with the trick is to push down slightly as if you are trying to go to the loo. With a gently inward push on the toy you will feel it start to enter as your anus relaxes. At this point (while the toy is still very much on the outside) try tensing the anus and feel it push the toy back out. Then relax and push down again and feel the toy slide in again. If you repeat this cycle a few time you will feel each time that the relaxation occurs a little quicker and is a little more complete. You may want to add more lube to the toy from time to time while doing this. Eventually you will reach the point that, with a steady insertion pressure, the toy just slips in. If using a butt plug make sure it does not go in too fast as this can cause you to tense up and feel pain.

I found that a modest size butt plug (such as the Tantus Ryder) was good both for learning how to relax for the insertion and also for getting used to the sensation of something up there. Initially you will find that an urge to go to the bathroom is the main sensation you get with a butt plug inside. If you keep a butt plug in for a gradually increasing time (initially you may find keeping it in even for a couple of minutes is difficult) until you can go several hours with it inside if needed. By this time the more pleasant sensations will have taken over.

 i am going to try it on my own before we actually do it as a couple. if i feel confident doing it myself that i well feel ok about doing it with him.

he just gets too frustrated when i cant get into it and then gets bored and goes the other way lol

You'll defo have to teach him to be patient or it just won't happen. I find anal foreplay is a great way to get there. Start with a finger and move your way up. Once you're relaxing around a finger width, everything else follows smoothly. 

emily1989 wrote:

he just gets too frustrated when i cant get into it and then gets bored and goes the other way lol

Another reason, as suggested in the other thread, to make this a mutual exporation. He won't be in any rush when he is on the receiving end!

Just ensure you use plenty of lube and push down.

If done correctly, you will receive one heck of an orgasm

Newbies to anal play can benefit from playing alone.

First find a dildo that appeals to you (not too big, reasonably flexible, double ended or with a big flat base, and not made of "jelly") and a good slippery lube (I can recommend Pjur).

Find some time you being a bit slutty with yourself.

Some people find taking a nice bath helps you warm up and relax. In the bath you can use a bit of soap and your fingers to explore down there.

After your bath, off to bed with your dildo friend.

You might like to spread a towel on the bed just in case you leak or spill lube.

Arrange the pillows so that you can lean back nice and comfortably.

Place the dildo between your legs.

Apply the lube both to the dildo and your bum. Ideally you should squirt a little lube inside your bum using a "lube shooter" or a small syringe.

Gently masturbate while lying on your back to make yourself feel hot.

When you feel you are ready, try placing the tip of the dildo against your bum hole. Pull your body more to the vertical and place the dildo so that the tip is pushing gently against your back door. Keep masturbating. When you feel like pushing the dildo inside bear down on it. If you can feel it going in, try pushing it out as if you were going to the toilet. But keep own weight bearing down on it. Pushing out opens the sphincter muscles.

If you find it going in but that the sensation is too painful, gently draw back so that the dildo is no longer inside. Put more lube on your back pussy and more on the toy. Try again. The second time is nearly always less painful.

The first time don't try going deeper (unless of course it feels wonderful) but just leave it in place while you masturbate to orgasm. When you orgasm your anus will again relax and the dildo will almost automatically slide further in.

Afterwards remove the dildo and rub a little face care cream into your bum as a reward.

Repeat as often as you can so that you learn to enjoy the different feelings you get from this part of your body.

Don't feel like the odd one out, Emily - anal sex *is* very daunting for most people, but if you perservere to the stage when you can experience it, the effort will be really worthwhile. You'll be amazed how much pleasure you can experience from your anus, and Penny is right - the orgasm is beautiful.

Hella make a good point - start with a finger, and it's probably easiest to do it with your partner. It's actually quite difficult to put your own finger, or anything, up your own bumhole, both psychologicall and practically.

Have a good wash all around there first so you'll feel clean and fresh and not worry about being smelly there. Try first either masturbating or having sex - your orgasm will help not only relax you mentally but also relax your sphincter.

Get your partner to put a little lubricant on their finger and then around your arsehole, and then have them gently stroke around your anus, slowly and gently, then touching it and smoothing a finger tip against its pucker.

Hopefully, this will feel really nice for you, and help begin to associate anal play with sexual pleasure, without any need for penetration or anything you might fear will be painful. You could try masturbating while they play with you bottom, or have them stroke your clitoris with their other (it must be the other, for hygiene reasons) hand.

If you enjoy that, then you can progress to them carefully insert the tip of their finger. It's all about going slowly and gently - your anus can open up perfectly wide to accommodate a penis, dildo, and things even larger, but it's much easier and more comfortable if you let your sphincter muscle have the time it needs to relax and dilate.

All the talk above about trying to let yourself open up, pushing out with your bum muscles as if you were trying to poo - well, that does work, but I think in a first time situation it will be confusing and distracting, and feel a bit gross, to try that. Instead, just breathe deeply and focus on the nice things you can feel from all the lovely nerve endings around your anus.

Good luck, and hope you enjoy the experience.