Wife doesn't like cunnilingus (or toys) : (

Don't really think there is a definitive answer to this, but any advice would be good. I've been married 20 years - our sex life is good (in terms of frequency), but somewhat dull, tbh. I've always really enjoyed cunnilingus, and we used to do this a bit, though my wife never got to orgasm. Eventually she confessed that she didn't like it - mostly, I think from a hygiene point of view. I tried to reassure her that she tasted wonderful to me, which is true! But I am no longer allowed "down there"... Actually, she seems to prefer to orgasm on her own. I have brought her to orgasm a few times with my fingers ( which I also enjoy very much), but usually she stops me because she really wants to be penetrated. I have tried asking her to use toys, but she just says that she doesn't like them. I think that possibly her clit is very sensitive - would using dental dam be helpful, possibly? May also help with the hygiene issue... It just seems odd to me that she can get so turned on during sex, but doesn't feel the need to come! I have only ever been with three women in my life, so am not vastly experienced, but I consider myself to be reasonably skilled, also gentle and considerate. I have also read an awful lot of sex manuals etc! Any advice, please??!

Hello,

there may be many reasons for why she does not enjoy receiving oral sex. From being worried about hygiene to simply not enjoying it! Some women dont like it, I have a friend who finds it boring, simple as that. She does not worry about hygiene or anything, she is just completely bored and prefer penatration. There are women like that.

As for toys there may be many reasons. Sensitivity is one option, but you really need to ask her exactly why she does not like them, there may be many reasons. Also what sort of toys did you suggest?

 its only boring if she isn't getting mentally turned on by it or you dont have the right technique - Firstly have you tried talking about what turns her on? I mean REALLY talking about it from the little things to the nitty gritty about what she doesnt like (see my bullet points below - it may help!).... also have you tried watching porn together? Each find a porn movie you like and just watch them together.... also having porn on in the back ground..... I have a "Whole Lesbian Sex Book" which isn't just for lesbians but shows you a lot about women.... there is a good exercise in there - do three spider diagrams each:

1. All the sexual things you've ever heard about... absolutly everything (use a big peice of paper)

2. All the sexual things you've ever done (with everyone, not just current partner) this can be 

3. All the sexual things you've fantastized about or really want to do....

this is a major eye opener to yourself if you let it be... I admitted things to myself through this method and subsequently was able to tell my partner this!

You can't push her into anything - and telling her your worries may hinder things - I would try actions, try different techniques... lick from her vagina to just under her clit and side to side under her clit if she is sensitive (don't touch her clit at all until she pushes down onto your tounge) if she's worried about hygine, make a candle lit bath part of the warm up/turn on process... if she's worried about hygine still maybe discuss why she feels like this (she may have more vaginal discharge than most and feel its unclean)... if she wont let you lick her - try to take a more dominate approch... and just go down on her unless she is explicitly unhappy or says no - it may be that she doesn't feel you want it.

Does she get wet from oral? Does she get wet from fingers? does she get wet from sex?

p.s sorry for the spelling! My mac doesn't seem to spell check on LH!!

chels, there are even guys who dont like oral sex, it does little to them. And so there are women who find it boring, some are even round on this forum. And the friend loves giving oral sex, yet she finds boring being on the receiving end - it does basically nothing regardless how horny she is. It may also to do with the fact some women prefer G spot stimulation and dont like clitoral stimulation. Every woman is different. So it is possible she may find it boring and she would want other form of stimulation.

But I agree they have to talk and find out what they like and dont and exactly why.

Not everyone likes oral sex... I'd be the same in that if my boyfriend was giving me oral or using his fingers on me, it's pleasurable, but it just really really really makes me crave penetration more than anything. I *can* come that way and it feels great, but for me it's better to come with him inside me.

Instead of focusing on getting her to like things she doesn't like, why not focus on things she does? Explore them and enjoy them and the rest might come with time!

i'll be honest- with my ex-husband i hated all things sex related, and even when he did go down on me, i'd find that he could often be down there for a good 30 mins and I wouldn't be in the least aroused - i'd be thinking about shopping or shampoo or where i was going to meet my friends on friday .....

point is - i hated all things sex related because ultimately, i had a very poor (abusive) relationship with my husband, and it didn't matter what he did for me ... it would never have any effect because i was never mentally connected with him after that.

But - my life turned around after I left him - my ex-bf (on our first night of dating blush) treated me like a sex-goddess, and i have never been so aroused in my life.  in fact - that night still brings tingles to me.

I'm not sure what to suggest - with me I had huge emotional barriers up.  Is there anything underlying that needs to be resolved?

You just need her to be honest with you.

Truth be told, I don't really enjoy oral - and if I felt like I *had* to orgasm in order to show my OH that I enjoy it when we do it, I'd feel so pressured I'd stop wanting it all together.

If she only likes oral a little bit or finds it difficult to orgasm from it then she needs to learn (and for you to understand too) that orgasms aren't the important part of sex and she can have oral for as long or as little as she likes as long as she enjoys it. If it's not her favourite thing it can be a stepping stone to other forms of sex but I suspect if she feels comfortable about opening up to you on her reasons then she may enjoy it enough to let you indulge her once in a while. But she still may never love it and that's ok too.

I don't really like oral because I find it hard to switch off and added pressure of proving my enjoyment to the OH would just kill it completely for me so she needs to know you don't mind how much she enjoys it because you're completely confident that she loves your sex life together anyway!

The sensitivity thing could be a factor - I'm over sensitive so oral can be a completely different situation as I feel tense and prepared to react to sudden "catching" of a sore or sensitive bit.

You just need her to understand that:

1) orgasms don't matter

and

2) her enjoyment is important to so you'd appreciate her being honest and telling you what she likes so you can focus on the things she likes.

Hopefully she can open up and explain why she dislikes oral and maybe try it again with no pressure for her to love it or orgasm!

Adx

I agree with a lot of the advice here, especially with Ad's post!

Communication is key- only she can tell you why she doesn't "appear" to enjoy oral sex. She may just be embarassed and the hygeine issue is a worrying issue for any woman at first. If this is the only reason why she doesn't like it then you can introduce specialised products for that particular area and flavoured lubes help! However she may just genuinely not like the act, if that is the case then you'll have to respect her wishes.

As for sex toys- again, for some people it can be a big leap and the introduction to this area can be quite "out there" for some people. From what you've said she does appear to be quite sensitive. How about buying an innocent cheap cock ring for your benefit and try a vibrating feature once. If she doesn't like it then you can easily not disable the vibrations. You can either buy this little cheap one separately or bought in the bundle linked in the next paragraph. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=14798

I'd recommend purchasing this great value sex toy bundle and see how it goes by slowly introducing it. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=15585 It's cheap enough for a good starter kit and they're disposable. For example use the bullet as foreplay and as a light teasing massage. Sex toys don't necessarily have to get in the way of intercourse itself.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. =]

I also agree. Everyone is different. I love giving oral sex to a woman, think it's lovely, and not many complain. However, I have had oral sex preformed on me, this is my most serious girlfriend, and she wasn't really interested, because she had one eye on Eastenders on the tv?? Then there has been some good times when you actually feel your partner enjoys it and it is fantastic. Tough one really.

Thanks, all, for the useful (and detailed) replies! I am new to LH, and just starting to discover how much great stuff is on the forums!

As I thought, there is no simple answer. I don't expect my OH to suddenly enjoy c/l, but it would be nice if we could do it for a few minutes, as part of foreplay. She quite often gives me oral as foreplay (never to orgasm), but I would rather be the giver!

Thanks again...

really agree with those above, particularly trying to go under the clit when you try it if sensitivity is an issue. I am a hygiene freak and must have a bath before hand so def think about building that in too.

In terms of branching out generally: I'd really highly recommend the We Vibe II which is sold here. It's on the expensive side but it's a fantastic toy which will give her a great gentle vibe (clit and g-spot) while you are penetrating her (I hear it's a great feeling for the guy too). This toy has completely changed my sex life with my partner of 9 years. :D

Would I be right in thinking that, although your post centres on the CL issue you are really looking for any way to inject some new interest into your sex life? If so, perhaps you could gradually introduce toys starting with cock rings. These are so main-stream these days that supermarkets sell them so can't be seen as too kinky. Also, they can be viewed as a toy as much for the man as the woman. If your wife really likes penetration then the somewhat enhanced girth and stiffness rings provide might be well received. You could start off with a ring that doesn't have any clit stimulator or vibe and gradually progress from there.