Help and advice on a possible over reaction from my oh

Hello all, hope everyone is well

I don't suppose this is really advice I just need to get this off my chest and see what people think regarding something that happened a couple of weeks ago

long ish story short my oh was away at a conference .. She went on the Sunday night and was due back on the Thursday night, it was the Wednesday night and she came home early as the conference had finished a day early but didn't tell me ( suprise I guess) well she came in and caught me well you know over a picture... She went spare, and was I guess as it turns out more gutted that it was over a picture ( only of. Celeb type not her sister or friend or anything) but now over two weeks on she is very off with me, has taken it for more than it is for me and has built it up in her own head I think, saying I shouldn't do it.. Which I feel is an over reaction..

I kinda just needed people views? Men or / and womens views.. How would you feel?if it was the other way round or she did it over someone when she was away that week I genuinly wouldn't mind, it's fantasy?? It's not a problem as far as I see it?

Anyway I'm warbling on now I think

Many thanks

 I think you need to sit her down and talk to her about this. Even if it wouldn't be a problem for you, it evidently is for her. Maybe she's not feeling that confident about herself at the moment or something, and needs your reassurance that you think she's the most gorgeous creature on the face of the planet.

Even if that's not the case, you do need to talk to her about whatever it is that's bothering her. You might find out it's not even about the photo, but about something else, work stress etc. 

Sorry, I don't feel like there's much to say except discuss it with her. I hope it all gets sorted soon. Keep us updated :)

I personally wouldn't be that bothered if I had caught my oh doing what you were doing, but thats me, I am clearly a very  different person to your wife.

You need to speak to her about it, find out exactly why she is as upset as she is and work from there. You may see it as an over reaction but she might actually be very upset, the only way to work through this is to talk to her.

Personally, as a girlie, I wouldn't have any problem if I caught my man wanking over a pic of a celebrity.  I would actually expect him to masturbate and would be worried if he wasn't!  I personally do think it's over-reacting to say you shouldn't masturbate, and for me it would be hypocritical as I do it all the time!  It doesn't mean you love your partner any less and to be honest I think it's healthy and natural to do so.

We all have fantasies and maybe it was just a huge shock to actual see the reality of this, as fantasies are normally in your head.  I think you should try and find out the reason why she's so upset - was it the act that upset her, or the person in the picture?  It may be that if, for example, the celebrity had huge boobs and she's self-concious of her boobs, she felt a bit upset that you were wanting someone with bigger boobs - this is just an example.  Best to get to the heart of the problem and reassure her that you love her.

You could always ask her if you can take some photographs together so that next time either of you are left alone you have a bit of visual stimulation that's personal to you both?

MrsPx

Personally I'd be more confused that a static picture was more stimulating than your own imagination, but different strokes for different folks.

A lot of people are incredibly sensitive about this sort of thing and you have to accept that it has upset your partner and make amends for it so she doesn't continue to feel these negative emotions. You should try talking to her about it to find out why she's upset and reassure her that it has no effect on your relationship or how you feel about her. Ensure you tell her how you feel about her sexually and explain that it's a poor substitute in her absence.

If she doesn't like the idea of you using photos of specific people to get yourself off, then you should accept that out of respect for her. Either you don't do it again or you accept that you'll hurt her if she ever catches you doing it again. Is it really worth causing that upset? Whether or not you think she is justified in feeling that way,  her feelings are just as valid as yours.

She's also more than likely annoyed that you 'ruined' her surprise of coming home early by being mid-pleasure with a picture of some random. Hardly the homecoming she would have built up in her head. Doing something nice for her would probably help smooth things over.

Please don't think I'm taking this lightly and telling her to brush it off.. We have talked but I feel she is being slightly ( again just being honest not being brash) unreasonable.. She isn't someone who ever lacks confidence, and we are a fairly ( I always thought before very) open couple.. But she seems to think doing it over other women is like cheating.. Is that everyones feeling? I don't feel it's cheating if she thought of someone else Especially a famous while doing it

 Love MrsP's suggestion of asking your oh if you could take photos together for you to use in the future, well worth asking!

My oh and I live in two different cities and so only get to see eachother at weekends, she always asks if I've had a wank and what I was watching or thinking about. She likes to know if the sorts of things I watch are the sorts of things I would like us to try. I worried that me watching porn would make her feel uncomfortable or something but she always tells me that it turns her on to think about me playing with my self watching all these sexy things. 

Perhaps your oh doesn't like the idea of porn, you could suggest you watch some together, when me and my oh do this we both get incredibly horny and end up trying out some of the things we're watching. This might make her see porn and masturbation in a different and more positive light for your relationship and sex lives.

I really don't want to appear that I'm an uncaring oaf here.. Iv tried talking it over day after day and have sent flowers to work .. Suprised her ( differently this time) with personal things for us..

We have always spoken about at times celeb types we fancy when messing around and chatting, I'm suprised it was such a shock in a sense

Well, I would not consider it cheating if I saw my partner masturbating over a picture of a celebrity or porn star or watching porn. But some people are bit different when it comes to things like these and some women may consider it cheating and be very upset about it (mildly said in some cases). You do have to talk about it and how you feel.

I think she's totally out of order. She's entitled to her feelings, sure, but she should also realise those feelings are (a) unfair and (b) somewhat irrational. And she certainly shouldn't be off with you about it after two weeks. Bearing a grudge isn't going to solve the problem, for you or for her.

While you can certainly make compromises to accomodate her on this -- not looking at pictures to masturbate if it's really going to upset her that much -- she should be doing some compromsing too, or at least agreeing to examine her feelings on this and trying to overcome her anger over what is, in reality, a harmless, meaningless act.

Talking to her about what upset her most about the incident might help you both to get to the bottom of things. Is is that she thinks you don't fancy her as much as the woman in the picture? Maybe she thinks you want her to look like that? Maybe she feels insecure about her body and seeing you masturbate over another woman compounded that? It's unlikely to be as simple as "I don't want you to do that", and if you can pinpoint her exact fear, you'll be a long way towards resolving the incident. 

With the whole idea of masturbation from a male and female point of view it's fantasy isn't it? With all due respect do people really think of their partners when they do that? Of course I do sometimes but generally it's a release and fantasy that is about something else? Or am I alone in that?

I have to say iv never cheated and never would I adore the woman with all of me, and when we have sex I can honestly say I always think of her and what we are doing and making her feel as good as I can but if I think random girl a or whatever is fit and I do that over them I didn't realise that was so odd?

I can honestly say that 95% of the time I masturbate I don't think about anything sexual. I stare at the TV, think about stuff I have to do...yaknow, normal non-masturbating stuff. I'm just after the physical orgasm and I don't need to engage my mind to get there. When I do think about something sexual, it's usually related to my partner.

Every now and then I dip into sapphic porn but it tends to make me feel incredibly guilty on a subconscious level post climax cos I know the fella doesn't like it. Honestly....not worth the guilt and I don't think I'll bother again. I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happens to other folks. Funny how the human mind works.

You think of nothing hella? Your mind doesn't need to be thinking of anything?

Nope, not usually! I'm often watching TV or thinking about what I need to get done, in all honesty. Purely physical orgasms via a high-powered toy. Simples. :)

Interesting... I honestly don't think iv heard that before..

From replies above then do people think it's strange to physically look at a picture of someone you think is hot? And do it

lol, high powered toy isn't exactly an option for guys usually!

Generally if I'm going to indulge myself I find a bit of imagination goes a long way.  Sometimes reading hot stories, looking at pictures or the odd video.  I think its pretty normal behaviour for a guy.

Its difficult if your OH doesn't like that you relieve yourself.  Is it just the fact that you were using a picture, or the masturbating in general she didn't like?

There's a few things she's probably totally confused and shockd by , the fact that she caught you first off, I think lots of women don't even consider that their partner's masturbate when they're on their own. Then the fact that that shock effectively spoiled her surprise return, and then that you had a photo of someone may have made her feel a little insecure maybe as well. I think you're doing all you can to try and reassure her but keep talking about it and your feelings for her. Would it help if you suggested to her when she was away that you were wanking over her picture, sending her a txt to that effect? I have a friend who loves to tell me when he's doing it for me which I love. Hope you get it sorted tho.

I'm not sure where it's come from mate, she knows I do it and she does from time to time, we have spoken about it a few times, and we have had chats about famous type people we both fancy.. That's what I'm a bit suprised about, the fact that she knows certain celeb types I think are nice but she doesn't think I do that over them? She will often comment about women and never has been insecure about it..

Did you mean jass tell her I am even if it's over someone else? Or suggesting I do it over her?

 Just tell her when your doing it for her, ask her if she'd like you to tell her first maybe. If she's away it would enforce the fact that you're really missing her and give her confidence a big boost. We all love to know our OH's are thinking of us.