• Won't let myself orgasm!

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    Pretty-Nina [sign in to see picture]
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    This is kind of embarrassing but I'm really unsure about what to do or who to ask.

    About a month ago I bought one of the basic vibrators from here - which works perfectly well by the way. I have never had an orgasm so that's why I got the lady lust finger. The only thing is that as soon as I feel I'm coming close it scares the crap out of me and I have to stop.

    I don't even know why really - I think I find the intensity overwhelming? I don't have the vibe on full power and build it up gradually, yet I can't seem to make the whole nine yards. I also worry about breaking my neck in the process because I start going all over the place ha ha.

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    Dirty Red Angel [sign in to see picture]
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    The best thing I could advise is not to focus on the orgasm and just build up like you are.

    One day, just let the feelings take over. You say you 'go' everywhere; perhaps you could try bracing your legs against something......

    Everytime you masturbate just let the feeling go further each time, push your own boundries whilst you feel comfortable.

    Ultimately though, don't worry about the orgasm - it'll cum (pun intended ) when you are relaxed and just going with the flow. And it usually feels great when you've done it!!!

    Angel x

    1310761337
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello,

    I had the same problem for a long time. I got very close to orgasm, but never over the edge. As I could not react enough with fingers and when I got vibrator, I was just scared by what I was feeling and removed the vibe before I got there. I just tried to one day relax and go with a fantasy and suddenly I was there.I think the hardest thing is to let go the first time.

    The good news is when you get there for the first time, it slowly starts to improve. From bout 50 minutes in the beginning I am currently down to usually under 10 with toy. I can still need bit more time with a partner, but I am sure it will get better with practice, as I currently relax more.

    1310761714
    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Its all to do with how relaxed you are and whether or not you are able to let yourself go, Ads advice is fantastic and I dont really have anything to add, other than when you get there you will feel amazing and once you have done it the next time will be much much easier.

    1310762144
    Pretty-Nina [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks guys, I never realised that practice makes perfect with reaching orgasm too. I take quite a while too :) Maybe I will learn to relax one day.

    Also I'm not too great at fantasizing as it's difficult for me to hold the thought, my mind always wanders. Most porn films turn me off and I would read a dirty book but that takes up too many hands!

    I will have a go at thinking of some way to brace my legs.

    1310767950
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    How about a bath tub? Warm water to relax you and solid sides to brace against. Might do the trick. :-)

    1310778438
    sally 54 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way! The more I read about what an orgasm is like, the more I doubt whether I have ever actually had one, either with my husband or using a vibrator. Certainly I'm afraid to make a noise, have never felt a feeling of "release", and I get that "scared" feeling. Once when using a vibrator I developed such a dreadful headache that I had to stop!

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    Arkadia [sign in to see picture]
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    It took me quite a while to 'learn' how to orgasm - and yes, as others have said (and you've gathered), for many women orgasming IS a learned skill!

    I found that my main issue was I was concentrating too much on how I was 'feeling' physically and as a result was never in the right mood - anxiety over if I was 'doing it right', if I was going to orgasm or not, whether or not it felt really good... masturbation isn't just meant to feel good physically, it's best when it feels good mentally too.

    You don't need porn or erotica to constitute a good fantasy setting (although I do think it's worth putting in the time to hopefully find something you enjoy in one of those categories) but just take the time to explore fantasies or just concentrate on little things that turn you on. I think my first orgasm came when I intensely visualized two sexy young males discovering their attraction to each other - I was in the moment, caught up in the *idea* of what got me hot, not the way I was feeling at the moment, where the vibe was positioned, how wet I was, how relaxed, how horny, blah blah. For some reason until that point I had this idea that fantasies and visualizing were for men who masturbated, not women. I thought we were supposed to just 'feel good' without needing mental stimulation.

    Turns out, I can orgasm in minutes when I'm daydreaming about something that turns me on (I found simply visualizing my partner works pretty well). But no matter how hard I try (well, unless I'm using my magical Layaspot vibe) if I'm not in the mood mentally, or I'm not caught up in a sexy moment, using a toy is more of an annoyance than anything. Often if I can't get myself in the mood or keep a fantasy going I just put the toy away because I know it's not going to happen for me.

    Anyway, I'm just saying what works for me :) Try to avoid just switching a toy on or putting it in and going to work - watch or read something that turns you on, or just lie there fantasizing without getting physical, until you're desperate for release. That's when the toys are really going to make themselves useful! :D And yes, fantasizing and visualizing are also learned skills, or they were for me!

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    sally 54 [sign in to see picture]
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    That's good advice Arkadia, thanks.

    I've been married 27 years ( no other relationships and a virgin until I was 26!) and I never used to be that bothered about sex. For some reason I've become more interested in recent months and have been doing a lot of research into orgasms. I've concluded that what I've been feeling is the "plateau" - that stage just before the actual orgasm- but not the orgasm itself. I now feel that I'd like to experience at least one "proper" orgasm before I die! I don't know where to start with my husband who didn't even know what the word "foreplay" meant when I tried to discuss it so I'm trying on my own first. I'm probably trying too hard to achieve my goal as you've suggested.

    There are times though when I wonder why I bother! I was far more contented when I wasn't so interested in sex, and now I'm obsessing!

    1310896676
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Well, another option is to use some of the female orgasm enhancers Lovehoney sells. I have one and sometimes when I am struggling to get there I apply it and well... I am there usually within a minute afterwards. It helps me to push me over the edge so to speak.

    I dont usually plan masturbation. I do it when my body is feeling aroused and I can feel the need to do it. Sometimes my body feels soo much full of sexual energy, that I have to get release without my mind actually thinking about really strong sexual fantasies beforehand. I usually add them during it. Although if my body is begging for the release I just wriggle and enjoy, without actual fantasy at times. But in the beginning, I did need the fantasy to help me get there.

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