• how do men initiate sex need serious help

    1305459242
    rlc321 [sign in to see picture]
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    hi guys i need some advice from men and women here.

    i am 4 months in a relationship and i need to initiatesex more as its really getting her down.

    but my problem is back in 2001 my ex wife tried to accuse me of rape when we were having a custody battle over our daughter which i won, but now that has stuck with me and i now have problems starting sex as i dont want to seem to pushy or being able to have that accusation again

    . i really love my girlfriend she is my soul mate, and i want to be able to initiate sex with out being worried of any comebacks. so what can i do to help this and how do i start initiating sex.

    any help and advice is allways welcome.

    thank you

    1305460247
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I know I am not a guy, but I think there are 3 ways how to get out of this:

    1. talk to her about what happened and how you feel. I know it can be not comfortable, especially after 4 months, but I had a real bad experience the first time I tried sex and I was still traumatised by it when I met my current partner. I was open, because I trust him completely and it helped to find the best solution for it.

    2. Talk to a professional. He may go through with you what happened and give you tips how to deal with it. I dont think seeking professional help if something bad happened is a weakness, but actually a strenght.

    3. Take it slowly, maybe first initiate a cudle, a moment for the 2 of you. And then pottentially seduce her and look for a no signs, I do personally say when I am not in mood and usually why.

    But I think telling her what happened or talking to a professional is the best option really.

    1305463333
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Laveila wrote:

    I know I am not a guy, but I think there are 3 ways how to get out of this:

    1. talk to her about what happened and how you feel. I know it can be not comfortable, especially after 4 months, but I had a real bad experience the first time I tried sex and I was still traumatised by it when I met my current partner. I was open, because I trust him completely and it helped to find the best solution for it.

    2. Talk to a professional. He may go through with you what happened and give you tips how to deal with it. I dont think seeking professional help if something bad happened is a weakness, but actually a strenght.

    3. Take it slowly, maybe first initiate a cudle, a moment for the 2 of you. And then pottentially seduce her and look for a no signs, I do personally say when I am not in mood and usually why.

    But I think telling her what happened or talking to a professional is the best option really.

    ^^ this says it all

    xGGx

    1305577074
    rlc321 [sign in to see picture]
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    Laveila wrote:

    I know I am not a guy, but I think there are 3 ways how to get out of this:

    1. talk to her about what happened and how you feel. I know it can be not comfortable, especially after 4 months, but I had a real bad experience the first time I tried sex and I was still traumatised by it when I met my current partner. I was open, because I trust him completely and it helped to find the best solution for it.

    2. Talk to a professional. He may go through with you what happened and give you tips how to deal with it. I dont think seeking professional help if something bad happened is a weakness, but actually a strenght.

    3. Take it slowly, maybe first initiate a cudle, a moment for the 2 of you. And then pottentially seduce her and look for a no signs, I do personally say when I am not in mood and usually why.

    But I think telling her what happened or talking to a professional is the best option really.

    thanks for the advice i have spoke to her about it but its still a problem for me, i would like to leave counsilling as a last rersort as i prefer to deal with things on my own. but thank you both.

    1305593126
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    ric different circumstances but I prefer to deal with things myself rather than seek help it has, in the past, resulted in me drinking too much, thinking about suicide and suffering severe depression. My children both suffered as well because it meant I wasnt being anywhere near a good mum.

    Please dont leave it as a last resort, I am doing much better now but only because i have admitted to myself and new partner that there was a problem.

    If you have spoken to your new partner you need to trust her, what your ex did was wrong but we all do things we are not proud of, but not every woman is going to turn on you in that way. We are not all capable of that kind of act. Your new partner is not your ex and if you hold back because you think she might do the same you will damage this new relationship.

    Do you want your ex and her actions to continue to ruin your life because not seeking help could well end up with her doing just that.

    xGGx

    1305596596
    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    OK, I realise there are a whole load of issues you need to address here, and there's some very good advice from other forum members, but leaving that aside I think the way you approach sex could be altered to help you feel a little more secure, and possibly more confident and sexy into the bargain.

    Negotiating sex is a great idea, and really should be done more. Talk before the session about what you're in the mood for, what you'd like done to you and what you'd like to do. Even if you're not into anything particularly kinky, this can let your partner know what kind of mood you're in and hopefully allow you both to pick a speed that you're equally happy with. Try using phrases like, "I'd really like to..." "Please could you..." "Could I please..." "I'd love to..." "Maybe you could..." "...if that's OK" "...if you'd like to" "...if you're in the mood".

    Having even a quick conversation like this will let both of you know what to expect. It's not a contract, but it does show your intent and let the other person agree in principle to what's about to happen. If things then change, you can at least both acknowledge that you're re-negotiating what you're both comfortable with - it's not just a case of guessing and mis-interpreting the other person's mood. Also, if either of you later says that they didn't enjoy what happened, you can deal with that sensibly without throwing blame around, so long as you stuck to what you had discussed.

    Needless to say, communication during sex is pretty damn important too. Even making the right noises if you can't string a sentence together...

    This kind of verbal foreplay is not a million miles away from the sort of thing recommended in the "How to be Dominant" blog entry. A subtle shift in emphasis and a little more confidence, and your negotiation becomes "guess what I'm going to do to you, you lucky girl..." Don't forget you're still negotiating, but if you get a feel for what your partner enjoys most then you should be able to start with those kinds of suggestions pretty confident they'll eagerly say yes.

    Hope this gives you some ideas, and that it helps you to move forward more confidently. From your original post, your OH sounds like she would be happy to try, at least.

    1305623266
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I think if she knows she can help you, if you do try to seduce you, then she may reply to it positively.I do like Mr Monsters ideas. They sound helpful in terms of trying to initiate sex more often, but you also need to deal with the insecurity which is inside you. It may help, but it may take far longer than seeking profesional to talk to.

    And professional help is not the last resolt. I had a friend who was "sucking my energy out" so to speak and I ended with 3 weeks migrane, I was forgetting thing like that I need to go to dentist. I slept for 12! hours a day and was still tired and thought of suicide and that I am the bad etc. Professional help was really important to get me out of this quickly! I normally also deal with things myself, but I could not back then, or I was very slowly, which meant a lot of problems. We also dealed with other issues from the past and I have to say it resulted in more confident, more happy me.

    1305624871
    Redtweet [sign in to see picture]
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    Just express all that to her. Then start asking more often after an understanding is established. I love it when the man wants to initiate sex instead of me having to do it.

    1305970669
    rlc321 [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you guys for all your replies, i will keep you guys updated.

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