• annoyed at myself

    1305410322
    abridgedlove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 2 Dec 2010

    right, been lurking for a while, introduced myself of sorts once but got shy, well now i just need to get something off my chest.

    a bit of back story - as i don't know any of you, this should be easier to say. when i was 15 my boyfriend took me out, we stopped at one of his friends houses and his friend gave me a drink, i assumed as he was my boyfriends mate he was ok, turns out that i shouldn't have trusted either of them, after just one drink, i was dizzy and barely made it to the toilet to throw up, anyway, i was feeling really weak and was very niave. anyway, i passed out and don't remember anything till i came around to find my boyfriends mate on top of me, i freaked out but just couldn't move or really articulate the freaking out, then my boyfriend came and took over. anyway, i managed to get away from him, but i never told anyone. even the man i met when i was 16 and married when i was 20, who i have 2 beautiful children with. but then i think i realised early on that he didn't really get me, I think i just wanted someone to protect me and he was big enough that walking down the street with him, i felt protected, and in the end he turned out to be mentally abusive anyway. And dispite us having broken up a long time ago and we are both with new partners he refuses to sign the divorce papers.

    anyway i am now with a lovely new partner and i plucked up the courage to tell him fairly early on in our relationship, and he was really nice about it, i'm still pretty scared from it all though and i know i'm wareing on his patience. He keeps saying that he's not them and that i should know that by now. and i get that, and i do try, its just sometimes its hard.

    I've managed to move past most of it sexually but not really emotionally.

    anyway, for the first part of our relationship we were doing the long distance thing and got naughty on webcam a lot, we decided to move in togetherish (it's complicated) when i moved. during the hunt for a place to live, it came out that he has IBS, which he's extremely embarressed about, it's not something that bothers me and i constantly reassure him that i love him and it really doesn't bother me. sometimes we'll be watching a movie and i'll turn and look at him and i'll have to tell him just to pause it and go to the toilet cause he's putting it off cause he's embarressed and thinks i'll be annoyed that we're in the middle of watching something. this seems to me a bit of a double standard though, surely if the above is true then he also should know that i love him and don't want him to be in discomfort.

    now there is more : - as i said above, i've managed to move past everything that happened sexually, and i actually don't remember there being a time while i've been with my partner when i haven't been horny to the point of frustration. well unfortunately despite him being horny enough when we first started out, his sex drive has dwindled, now i know that his IBS has gotten worse and that the dwindling sex drive is a direct result of that. and i don't want to pester him, and sometimes he does get horny and i'll wank him off and/or suck him, and then he'll say something like - do you not want to have sex, well yes but whenever we do i end up leaning on his stomach and then we have to stop, or i concentrate really hard on not hurting him and he moans at me that i'm worrying and not "enjoying it" .

    He snuggles me lots and he likes touching my boobs and bum but i'm wondering if maybe it's not the IBS but that he just doesn't really fancy me, i've said this too him before and his response makes sense - why would he be involved with a mother of two children, actively involved in their lives, moved to another country, if all he wanted was sex, but i can't help but feel like this, surely there is something he could do, he could ask a doctor, change diet. there are lots of people with IBS - they don't just avoid sex do they?

    this is how i feel, but on top of that i'm angry with myself for feeling this way, being selfish like this.

    1305411158
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1236
    • Joined: 26 Mar 2010

    Have you tried counselling to try and get over that traumatic experience? That really wasn't right.. It must have been awful to go through. They could have been arrested for that kind of behaviour..

    Anyways, I don't think there's anything wrong with a partner feeling quite embarassed of something like IBS. They probably see it as a hindrance and I know that it actually can get bad to the point where it can affect your sex life. I hope he's trying to make changes to his diet and also try seeking help from the Doctor. There isn't really a cure for it (that I'm aware of) just ways of minising its effects.

    How about trying different positions so that there isn't much pressure on his lower abdomen etc. I'm not sure if there is a direct link to IBS and lower libidos though. Although, I'm sure some other members may confirm a link, if any. It could just be that he's embarassed to show other signs of the IBS not necessarily a lower libido.

    I really do think it's a case of communicating with your partner. Talk to him about your insecurities and your worries. You can only get that reassurance and confirmation of feelings from him. Plus, I think the affection he shows like cuddling etc shows a lot. Usually those that are "put off" don't show much affection.

    Let us know how it goes. *hugs* You come across like a strong person and that's an attractive trait. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little insecure. Every woman goes through it.. >.<

    1305411465
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2341
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    Hi,

    I am sorry for what happened to you in the past. If you cannot manage to get over it emotionally by yourself, try a professional help. I had a problem myself, a serious one, and i would it extremely helpful to have someone to talk to and who listened and gave me some advice. I do believe it changed me in a good way. I feel more relaxed and I finally managed to put some things in my past behind me. But I admire you went a long way with it by yourself. Still, asking for help is not weakness, but does require strenght.

    As for the problem with your current partner. I dont know much about IBS, but I guess that it is with like other illnesses out there, that there are better and worse times and in worse times it may be possible they do avoid sex. Talking to a doctor is a first step. Change of diet can help, but not entirelly. From what I briefly read it only helps some people with this problem. Also sex is not only about penatration, if thats not possible, there are other ways to enjoy each other - oral sex, toys, etc. But you need to be very open to each other and open to compromise. It is not going to be easy i think, so caring for each other and communication will be crutial.

    I wish you good luck.

    1305412507
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 869
    • Joined: 26 Sep 2010

    Kirst, firstly hi and welcome to the forums you will know from lurking that this is somewhere you can get honest advice.

    As x X x and Laveila have said you need to speak to someone professional to help you with dealing with the past. You sound like a strong person but we all need help sometimes even if we don't want to admit it.

    The key to your current issue is communication, he needs to know how you feel about him and how much you want to help him deal with IBS, maybe you could visit the Dr together? Before either he goes on his own or you go together try writing a list of questions that you want to ask so that when embarressment takes over you dont forget what you wanted to ask.

    Good luck with it

    xGGx

    1305412509
    abridgedlove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 2 Dec 2010

    thanks for your replys, i was actually not expecting them to be so supportive, i'm glad now that i just put it out there.

    anyway as for another position - he's not interested.

    i do try to talk to him, i do feel more comfortable talking to him than anyone else ever. I'm just not that good at putting how i feel or think across to him. i think he always feels that i'm attacking him, when i'm not, i'm struggling to explain, i've told him i'm not attacking him, but it doesn't go well anyway. i do and will keep trying though.

    and yes, i know its not all about penetration, one of my favourite things in life is sucking his cock.

    anyway, thanks for listening/reading.

    1305412889
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2341
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    If he feels like you are attacking him, maybe try to put it to rest for a bit and take it more slowly and easily. Living with some illness is hard, I know it myself. I am suffering from itching skin, I am on Zyrtec daily to even survive, doctors found nothing wrong with me. It does make you more even feeling a bit sorry for yourself at times, when it is bad, it does take strenght to go on at times (while writing this my skin on hands is giving me hell, seriously). Maybe if you have needs sort them yourself and try to slowly get to talk to him. And try to get solution. You may have to adjust it a bit, because of the illness.

    1305413054
    abridgedlove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 2 Dec 2010

    hi GG, thanks.

    yes i know your all right, i need to see a professional and deal with my issues.

    ghostgirl wrote:

    The key to your current issue is communication, he needs to know how you feel about him and how much you want to help him deal with IBS, maybe you could visit the Dr together? Before either he goes on his own or you go together try writing a list of questions that you want to ask so that when embarressment takes over you dont forget what you wanted to ask.

    Good luck with it

    xGGx

    this is something that hadn't occured to me. i know he gets embarressed and clams up and says everything is fine so i went to the doctor with him before, and with some prompting the doctor got some of the story but i felt like i was mothering him doing this and shut up after a while. actually writing things down, questions and stuff would clearly be a great way forward. thank you.

    thank you all

    1305413312
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1236
    • Joined: 26 Mar 2010

    I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment too so communication is very important. We have had issues where my partner thought I was "attacking" him too when I simply wanted to talk about a subject he wasn't comfortable with. I think the best way to get round this is to express yourself wholly on the matter is via something like a letter or email. That's if you can't seem to get through conversing in person. Try to think of it from his side too (I try and do this as often as possible).

    Some people are quite set in their routine but it does slowly take time for them to try new things and accept it. How about trying out Lovehoney's sex games in order to innocently try new things (like positions)? Or even like a role play type evening where you can blindfold him into submission role. Perhaps experimenting slowly may open up his mind to new things.

    For example, with positions- If you're on top you can try the reverse position. I think it's called the reverse cowgirl.. http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/carnal-counselor-reverse-cowgirl That's the first link I found typing in google. There'll be less pressure on him.

    Good luck!

    1305413459
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 869
    • Joined: 26 Sep 2010

    Glad that you feel supported, visiting a dr can be tough, I know when my husband was diagnosed with cancer there were times I walked out of the hospital wishing I had asked different questions. I got into the habit of writing them down and that helped.

    If talking to him is difficult have you thought about a letter, it gives you a chance to read and rewrite. Better than saying something out loud and instantly regretting it?

    xGGx

    1309038352
    abridgedlove [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 9
    • Joined: 2 Dec 2010

    so i thought i should give you an update.

    tried talking, it didn't go very well. tried leaving it, then was away one weekend like usual and we actually started talking and understanding each other via email. we are still working on it but things are going great.

    1309038857
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2341
    • Joined: 8 Nov 2010

    Hello,

    I am glad if you are finding a way to improve things between you. Sometimes it really needs time and patience and also trust until you sort relationship problems. For some people it is easier to actually firstly talk using notes or mails, as they feel it helps them to formulate thoughts better. I hope you will sort it out fully in time.

    1309042798
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 869
    • Joined: 26 Sep 2010

    good to hear that you are communicating and things are going better

    xGGx

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.